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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my DP he can't spend an evening a fortnight with his female friend?

323 replies

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

My DP has a friendship with a woman he has known for about 10 years (they are along each other's best friends). There is absolutely nothing 'untoward' going on between them. His friend is in a relationship and has two DCs and nothing sexual or otherwise is going on between them.

However, DP goes to see this friend once a fortnight and they spend a couple of hours hanging out. I have told him I don't want him doing this anymore, because he commutes to work every day and if he goes to see this friend, I won't see him on this night until we go to bed as he often doesn't get home until about 7 (I see him briefly before he goes, but that's it). I would be happier if he saw this friend maybe once a month or less.

He thinks IABU because I see my friends more often (though I get home from work by 5:15 and go out with them straight away and then get home by 9, he won't come home until about 10). He also thinks I'm jealous.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
iscream · 23/10/2011 01:41

My husbands wishes come before any old friend of mine's wishes. If he didn't want me to go over to a male best friends place because he felt jealous, I would respect his feelings. Especially if it were a family member that they did see anyways from time to time.

Spouse trumps old friend every time. That is how it should be. Doesn't matter if you think it is unreasonable, it is his spouse's feelings that matters.
You can always find friends, but a spouse for life, not so much.

I think you are being unreasonable top think you matter more than his partner does. Maybe she is possessive a little, but maybe she has reasons. You sound possessive to me. Relationships change with friends when people marry and settle down. Doesn't mean the change is bad, and in your case, you are family, so no reason you can't fall into the roll of understanding sister in law, your jealousy is going to raise a few eyebrows, so try and deal with it.
Just try and realize people do have their own feelings and idea's, and roll with the punches, she is not being unreasonable.

It is his choice, he will do what makes him happy. That may be making her happy, and staying in with her more often.

iscream · 23/10/2011 01:43

My reply reads more critically than it was meant....just trying to explain, it isn't always about you. (said in kind voice)

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 01:55

I really don't think I'm more important than her. It's not a case of either me or her, I haven't meant to leave that impression on the thread. I'm not posessive or jealous either, honestly! It's a bit difficult to explain succinctly, but it's not so much that I don't want things to change, because I don't care if they do, it happens you know? But the way this is proposed is what concerns/bothers me. It's sad for my DS as much as me (DD too young to care!). It's also sad for my friend because I don't think he wants this either. I don't know the ins and outs of what exactly she said to him, he laid it out bare and that was it. I'm not into discussing it at great length with him, as I've said, this is his choice to make, I am not forcing his hand.

Never did think this was about me.

OP posts:
LeBOOOf · 23/10/2011 02:09

Can't you just blow off the rigid fortnight thing and make it a bit more organic?

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 02:17

Yeah, we definitely could. It developed this way out of habit really, even before DP and I got together. It was a lot more hit and miss back then actually, it's only become particular because every other Wednesday, DP works late, so his brother comes round to do bedtime and stories with DS and then has dinner with me (and usually DD, little madam is almost always still up!).

He will sometimes pop in after work if he gets back at a reasonable time (our house is on the walking route home for him from the train station) so he could hang out one of those nights.

That's really no problem, as long as the DCs get to see him, the rest is flexible ultimately.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 23/10/2011 06:20

Insomnia is great - I get to read whole threads without interruption. This one being no exception.

I can agree with many of the points given from both sides but what occurs to me more than anything else is this: Friendships evolve and whilst you and your DH are happily settled, your BIL has yet to find this. A new relationship is a precarious time and as a friend, I'd back down and not be so rigid with arrangements. Regardless of what happens with his current GF, if your friendship is as solid as you say, then the foundation of that will never change.

While I have both a male and a female as close friends, I've always foreseen changes when partners come on the scene and out of respect for this potential marriage, our friendship has changed focus and with the arrival of weddings and children, my friendships have evolved to adapt to newer situations.

It's easy to depict this new girlfriend as clingy, demanding etc, it's probably more likely that she's extremely insecure and feeling vulnerable about your bond. Can't blame her. Until she realises that your hand of friendship extends to her, and not to the exclusion of her, then she won't relax.

Your related so your always going to be a part of BIL's life. He's always going to be uncle of your DC. This girl is still technically in a new relationship and still finding her feet with him and his family. It's nice that he's so close to your DC but I don't 'get' why it has to be to the exclusion of her. It's not as if he's joining you in pursuit of a really random hobby that wouldn't interest her - he's spending time with family and I get the feeling from all your posts that this girl is feeling excluded.

If I were that good a friend, I'd make it my mission to include her in your lives a bit more.

WelshMoth · 23/10/2011 06:22

You're related so you're always going to be a part of BIL's life.

differentnameforthis · 23/10/2011 09:47

There's 336 hrs in a fortnight, and you can't cope cope without seeing him for 2 or 3? How do you manage when he is at work?

I get the feeling this wouldn't be a problem if his friend were male.

MigratingCoconuts · 23/10/2011 09:57

[hgrin] different

thegirlfriend is the girlfriend!!!!

Oggy · 23/10/2011 09:59

TheGirlfirend, although you say you don't talk about her, I don't think it's unreasonable that she might think or worry that you do talk about her/her relationshup with your friend. The reality is that a close friendship with another man is unlikely to involve dissection of the couple's relationship but a woman is far more likely to start down the whole "how are things with you and X?" route that could lead to relationship discussions that she feels uncomfortable with. The fact that you say this doesn't happen doesn't mean it's not a genuine and perhaps reasonable concern that she might have.

The feeling I'm getting is that there is an assumption that she is being jealous without exploring what her problem actually is. It's a pet hate of mine that where women are involved people leap to assume jealousy and by doing this it stifles proper investigation of any other feelings that might be more reasonable or understandable.

My feeling from this is that (regardless of whether she is correct) she either doesn't like you but understandably doesn't feel she can tell her partner this or feels you don't like her and is concerned about your influence on her partner in their relationship because of your closeness.

Yes she does sound insecure, hardly crime of the century though, and I think her partner needs to be proactive about trying to help her feel more secure rather than both of you taking a bullish "what's her problem, this is all innocent" approach. I suspect there is a bit of a communication breakdown here really.

thunderboltsandlightning · 23/10/2011 10:00

"He will sometimes pop in after work if he gets back at a reasonable time (our house is on the walking route home for him from the train station) so he could hang out one of those nights."

You're still wanting to see him on your own aren't you. There's no "I could meet up with him and his girlfriend".

Maybe calling yourself "TheGirlfriend" wasn't that far off. It's kind of coming across that that's how you see yourself with regards to him.

Also you were talking about her behind her back - he was telling you how he thought she was jealous.

MigratingCoconuts · 23/10/2011 10:04

because they are best friends and she is a girl who is his friend

I have to give up on this thread, its just doing my head in [hgrin]

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:07

Well now that you mention it, thunderbolts, no, that's not what I'm saying. But don't let that stop you! And FWIW, I don't see why I shouldn't want to see him alone anyway, it's hardly a crime is it?! I have said repeatedly that I would like to see them together, or that I would like to spend time with the girlfriend.

Some people really can't get past that my friend is male. It really doesn't matter.

Talking about her behind her back....nope. He informed me of what happened, you imply we we gossiping about it. Again, nope.

Stop seeing what you want to here.

I do not want to have to continue to correct bullshit about my friendship or my motives or whatever today. So please stop writing stuff I have already stated to be untrue.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:08

I know the feeling MC, some people just don't want to understand, do they?

Maybe I'm giving them an opportunity to vent about all those evil female friends in their partners lives who secretly want to screw them.

Grin
OP posts:
thunderboltsandlightning · 23/10/2011 10:09

They both sound like a pain in the arse actually, and if it was his real girlfriend posting here I'd advise her to start checking out the horizon for better offers. She could begin with fortnightly trips out with various male friends.

thunderboltsandlightning · 23/10/2011 10:10

Telling someone someone else is jealous is indeed gossiping. Repeating it, like you did here, is gossiping even more.

You've got an answer to everything though haven't you TG. I bet that bugs the real girlfriend too.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:11

Right back at you thunderbolts! It's a PITA having to correct you.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:11

Not at all, he didn't say she was jealous. Try reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:12

When people ask questions, I answer them. That's not having an answer to everything, that's being courteous. I'm not going to just not defend myself because you think I have an answer for everything. FFS.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:13

If you're referring to what's in the OP, I had to write some of that to get an opinion, I have not repeated that under this guise.

Sorry if you made that incorrect connection.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 23/10/2011 10:14

GF I think you hit the nail on the head earlier on. People read what is written on a thread and then fill in the gaps with their own misconception/experiences and then peddle that as the truth from which you are obviously hiding.

I would hide the thread and stick with your own feeling on this.

From my own experience, I think my friend's wife felt happier about me becuase we started meeting up separately. Our own friendship developed and that has probably helped avoid the insecurity thing. could you try that?

MigratingCoconuts · 23/10/2011 10:16

people post on here and discuss their issues with the people around them all the time. Isn't that one of the reasons MN is here?

GF, next time(!) perhaps post in 'relationships' where it wouldn't be reffered to as 'gossiping' Grin

Animation · 23/10/2011 10:17

"Telling someone someone else is jealous is indeed gossiping. Repeating it, like you did here, is gossiping even more."

Thunderbolt -

Don't understand your fixation on "gossiping" - and putting a derogatory label on talking about stuff.

We're all talking now - right! Or are we gossiping?

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:18

Yeah, you're right MC, things like this just draw out other people's insecurities. It's tragic. It's just totally demoralising to have to repeatedly defend myself when I'm actually a nice person who tried to welcome this woman into my house. I'm the only similarly aged female in DP's family, so I was actually quite pleased when DP's brother met her as he'd been single for a while, but here we are.

I am going to try meeting up with her. I think I will suggest coming out with the DCs to make it less of a me and her thing to start with. Hopefully things will go from there and it will all be solved. I don't think perpetuating this weirdness will help anyone. Though if she still doesn't change her mind after that, there's nothing I can do. At least I will have tried.

OP posts:
Animation · 23/10/2011 10:19

The Girlfriend - I hear you. [hsmile]

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