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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my DP he can't spend an evening a fortnight with his female friend?

323 replies

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

My DP has a friendship with a woman he has known for about 10 years (they are along each other's best friends). There is absolutely nothing 'untoward' going on between them. His friend is in a relationship and has two DCs and nothing sexual or otherwise is going on between them.

However, DP goes to see this friend once a fortnight and they spend a couple of hours hanging out. I have told him I don't want him doing this anymore, because he commutes to work every day and if he goes to see this friend, I won't see him on this night until we go to bed as he often doesn't get home until about 7 (I see him briefly before he goes, but that's it). I would be happier if he saw this friend maybe once a month or less.

He thinks IABU because I see my friends more often (though I get home from work by 5:15 and go out with them straight away and then get home by 9, he won't come home until about 10). He also thinks I'm jealous.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
scruffybird · 22/10/2011 19:51

Who did you meet first? Dp or his brother?

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 19:59

I met his brother first. We have known each other for about a decade, maybe 11 years actually. I did meet DP about the same time (give or take, introduced by his brother), but we weren't really friends and didn't get together for a few years.

OP posts:
SweatTart · 22/10/2011 20:01

Bloody hell, I'd never have worked out the twist.

I'm so bloody dopey!

Well impressed with those who outed the girlfriend in just a few posts! Shock

scruffybird · 22/10/2011 20:04

If I was the girlfriend, I would feel more comfortable with him visiting on one of the nights his brother was not at work.

fuzzynavel · 22/10/2011 20:05

Two women fighting over a man? Smile

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 20:06

fuzzynavel, nope!

OP posts:
gothicangel · 22/10/2011 20:14

sorry but i think your being twat about it all, let him see his friend!

what are you worried about?

MigratingCoconuts · 22/10/2011 21:04

Well, I see this hsn't moved on much in my absence [hgrin]

I still think everyone would be reacting totally differently if the bloke was a female friend.

what a shame.

What is true is that it is up to your friend to decide what his priorities will be...

2rebecca · 22/10/2011 21:12

too many twists for me. A married woman decides to call herself the girlfriend, then post about being an unhappy wife, then she's the longstanding female friend, then she just happens to be his SIL.
Why not just post the "truth" at the beginning? Why turn it into a story with twists and turns?

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 21:22

2reb

because it is manipulative, that is why

why not just ask a straight question, indeed

it smacks of wanting validation for something, not sure what, tbh

I do know the faceless gf of this bloke isn't coming out too well

that may be deliberate of course

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 21:31

I explained why I did it the way I did. I can't help it now if people don't get that. I wanted opinions not based on my perspective, rather that of the girlfriend. Being involved in this daft situation, I didn't know that I had a great handle on the realities of it, so I wanted to ask from POV that wasn't mine. I really wasn't sure when I started this whether her request was unreasonable. Don't know what thread you've been reading 2rebecca, but there's no wife involved here....! But I know you wouldn't be keen on my friendship if you were the girlfriend, so it's okay, I get why you don't get it if that makes sense!

No hidden agenda WRT wanting to paint the girlfriend in a poor light, AF. Wanted perspectives, that's all. Not manipulative either, I didn't flip this for any other reason than to get opinions.

OP posts:
Dexifehatz · 22/10/2011 21:32

Anyone else wondering if the child he puts to bed is actually his?

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 21:34

oooo controversial dexi Grin

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 21:34

Oh do fuck off Dexi.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 21:35

ok, TheGirlFriend

have all these "perspectives" had any influence on you at all ?

MigratingCoconuts · 22/10/2011 21:35

sorry girlfriend but I don't think you are going to get some posters past the fact that your friend is a bloke.

I am just bloody lucky my friend's wife is not so short sighted

hope it works out for you.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 21:39

Influence, AF?

I know, MC. :( I'm still finding it hard to believe this is what it may come down to. It's just so unnecessary really.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 21:40

AF, if you mean have the "perspectives" changed what I might do about this? I don't know. I didn't really have any firm thoughts on it to begin with. This isn't a dilemma.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 21:45

what you might "do" ?

what is it you think you might have "done" ?

I meant have you reconsidered your opinion about his thought processes at all ?

maddy68 · 22/10/2011 21:49

I havent read the whole thing BUT I STAY at my male friends once a week, we go the cinema then out for something to eat and I stay over so I can have a few glasses of wine.
Any man that tells me that I couldnt see my friend (TOTALLY non -sexual) then he would be on his bike - mates before dates lol

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 21:49

I haven't "done" anything. I meant how to handle this, that if this was a case of something I had in my control, what the best way of dealing with it was, if there was anything I could do to make it better.

No, I haven't reconsidered my opinion about his thought processes, because it was never about that.

OP posts:
MrHeadlessMan · 22/10/2011 21:55

Update: there is still no alcohol at all next to my fridge. I would have even settled for a cider but no.

Girlfriend (in my head it's Girrrrrrl-friend) there is nothing you are going to do about this. It's his life. If he feels the same way as you he will figure it out, otherwise he is not the friend you might think.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 21:57

Maybe my Halloween name should've been TheGhoulfriend. Wink

OP posts:
grubly · 22/10/2011 22:09

I am still fascinated by the idea that some of the posters think that having a male friend around for dinner while your OH is out is a bit suspicious. How does that play out in long term relationships? Do you just stop having male friends or do you just only see them as a couple? I just cant imagine how we would live if we had these parameters in our house. My social life would be severely curtailed and I would find it very dull and restricting (and actually I think it would make me really angry). I cant see any positives to being suspicious like that and I think those sorts of reactions to genuine friendships should be addressed early in a relationship or they could lead to big problems further down the line.

2rebecca · 22/10/2011 22:14

Unhappy "partner" then if you aren't married to the father of your child. Don't see what difference it makes as you said the bloke was effectively your BIL. You are effectively married and unhappy that your not quite BIL has decided to see less of you to please his girlfriend.
If my sister came round to see my husband once a fortnght always when I was out, choosing to see him and not me I would find it weird.
If my mum had had "Uncle Harry" round every other Wednesday when my dad was out I'd have found that odd as well, and a bit creepy.
OK that may be my hang up and I'm not bohemian enough but although I have blokes I like and see alone without my husband making a regular dinner date to see them and them alone just seems weird to me.

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