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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my DP he can't spend an evening a fortnight with his female friend?

323 replies

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

My DP has a friendship with a woman he has known for about 10 years (they are along each other's best friends). There is absolutely nothing 'untoward' going on between them. His friend is in a relationship and has two DCs and nothing sexual or otherwise is going on between them.

However, DP goes to see this friend once a fortnight and they spend a couple of hours hanging out. I have told him I don't want him doing this anymore, because he commutes to work every day and if he goes to see this friend, I won't see him on this night until we go to bed as he often doesn't get home until about 7 (I see him briefly before he goes, but that's it). I would be happier if he saw this friend maybe once a month or less.

He thinks IABU because I see my friends more often (though I get home from work by 5:15 and go out with them straight away and then get home by 9, he won't come home until about 10). He also thinks I'm jealous.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 23:19

'If she doesn't like me, that's fine, but I wish she would at least say that! She has never given me any idea that she might feel that way.'

Maybe she doesn't dislike you. But c'mon, even if she didn't like you, she's hardly going to go off to her partner about his SIL 8 months into it.

But I do agree with Morloth, for whatever reason, he's chosing to cancel the arrangement you have and spend the time with her. Your relationship has changed.

Since you are laid-back, let it go, go with the flow. If you feel like spending more time with her, because you like her as a person, ask her and see how it goes, but not as a means to get things back like how they were before he met her.

It can't be like that anymore just now. He's with someone, sounds serious, maybe.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 23:23

He's not choosing to change it, as he is saying. She has asked him to change it, that's as far as it has gone. I don't know what will happen right now. It's really up to him. I don't believe he is lying to me, I think if he wanted to spend less time with me/us, he would come up with either the truth or something that didn't 'blame' someone else. I'm sure I'll be accused of lying about this, but I feel most sad for my DS. DD is too young to know the difference.

I will ask the girlfriend if she would like to spend some time with me/us, just don't want to drop BIL in it if she realises he has said what has been said. Might leave it a week or so and then ask.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 23:25

if you would like to take any notice of my advice at all...leave it longer than a week

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 23:27

Honestly, just back off and see how it pans out. This being a family relationship, tbh, if he'd told me, 'My partner asked me to cancel the fortnightly dinner dates,' I'd just be like, 'Well, you do what you gotta do, what you feel is right. Just let me know,' because I trust my friends to do what they feel is right.

I wouldn't bring it up with her or try to get buddy buddy with her beyond the usual.

I mean, if this is how you roll, it doesn't sound so laid back to me.

BelfastBloke · 22/10/2011 23:27

I know I like Reality. I can't remember if I've ever clashed with Malificence or AnyFucker before.

But I know they're all fucking infuriating on this issue. Their poor, poor partners, dictated to about who their friends can be.

And as for RedRobyn saying that he knows "what goes on in mens minds", all I can say is how dare you presume to know what I think about anything. You immature .... person.

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 23:29

Hey, Mal's husband is cool with it or he would have knobbed off long ago, IYKWIM.

People can only have who their friends are dictated to them if they allow it.

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 23:30

BB, does it matter if you have clashed with me before ?

my partner would be the best person to ask if he feels "dictated to"

not for you to say, dude

you are presuming which you just took major issue with

think on

MrHeadlessMan · 22/10/2011 23:34

I dont see AF saying anything about dictating who to spend time with. Pretty much the opposite in fact. I think the point is that BIL should decide for himself.

Not sure what Mal has said so no comment there.

fuzzynavel · 22/10/2011 23:35

GF just try to stop taking it all so personally and step back.

Dynamics are changing here and you seem to be getting a bit wobbly about it.

Very understandable.

fuzzynavel · 22/10/2011 23:40

Are the boys doing fisticuffs here? Grin

BelfastBloke · 22/10/2011 23:40

You're right it doesn't matter if we've clashed before, AF. Just curious. I don't keep a spreadsheet -- wish I did.

Reverse AIBU's are not suspicious and manipulative, as you seem to imply. They're interesting, and as far as I can tell in the OP's case, attempting to be fair-minded.

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 23:44

that is your opinion, BB

in my opinion, some are, some aren't

this one is not fair-minded

and FWIW, we haven't

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 23:45

< hands MHH a beer >

fuzzynavel · 22/10/2011 23:45

Second that BB with the reverse AIBU's

and another thing, what is all this drip feeding about.... The OP comes on with an initial statement and the story unfolds.

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 23:45

sorry MHM

Morloth · 23/10/2011 00:05

I dunno, Mal has been happily married for 30 years or so. I would think her advice on stuff like this is at the very least worth a listen. Proof of the pudding etc.

If he does choose to drop the dinner dates, unless she has him tied to a bed, then it is his choice. Though I suppose he might prefer to be tied to a bed rather than at his brother's house. I know I would. Wink

BelfastBloke · 23/10/2011 00:12

And I've been happily married for 20 years, and both my DW and me find Mal's following sentiment anathema:

"My DH has a few female ( and male) aquaintances/friends, if he wanted to spend time with them (without me) regularly, it would be over my dead body , if he's not at work, he's with me, simple as. Possessive and controlling? maybe, but that's how I am and he accepted it long ago. If your partner isn't the single most important person in your life, you're with the wrong one."

Maybe the next 10 years are where it all falls apart, but I'd still prefer my marriage to being with someone who said 'over my dead body'. Marriage is about supporting each other and allowing them to have a rich friendship group - regardless of gender.

AnyPhantomFucker · 23/10/2011 00:20

BB

get over your distaste of an individual poster for a moment, and think about a scenario

your DW wishes to spend an evening at your brothers house every fortnight, but only when your brother is not there

you are asked to tag along, but not in a serious way, not in a way that makes you feel welcome

your DW and your brother discuss you behind your back

your brother posts on the internet, posing as you, in order to engender negative comments about you ...inviting comments that you are controlling, you are needy, you are insecure, you need to get over yourself

how would that make you feel ?

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 00:29

So many assumptions and untruths in that, I can't be bothered to go through them all.

Don't know and don't care why this bothers you so much, but at least get the facts right. They are there in front of you. It's either lazy or just trying too hard to be rude. Either way, just makes you look bad.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 23/10/2011 00:33

it doesn't bother me at all

it bothers you more "TheGirlfriend" that someone questioned your motives behind this thread

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 00:36

No, it bothers me when people continue to post lies or assumptions about me, despite my correcting them multiple times. Interestingly, it only seems to happen when it suits the posters agenda to do so.

Doesn't make such an effective argument for you if you were to accept that I am nice to the girlfriend, does it? Or that my motives for posting this thread in the way I did was to gauge opinions, not solicit bad comments about the girlfriend?

I don't care if people question my motives, but I don't appreciate my corrections on that score being ignored because the other explanations make you a better argument.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 23/10/2011 00:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 00:40

I'm flabbergasted too tbh MoFo. Didn't anticipate this going on so long. I'd be happy for it to die a death now.

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 23/10/2011 01:02

'So many assumptions and untruths in that, I can't be bothered to go through them all.

Don't know and don't care why this bothers you so much, but at least get the facts right. They are there in front of you. It's either lazy or just trying too hard to be rude. Either way, just makes you look bad.'

But the truth is that you talked about her with your 'BIL' behind her back and then posed as her on the internet to start a thread about her, drip-feeding along.

That's what's in front of all of us. It's not lazy or trying hard to be rude, it's reading the thread.

And there's only one person who really looks bad by it.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 01:07

Sansa, you and I have been through this already. We did not talk about her behind her back. My reference to us talking about everything didn't mean we get together to gossip about her, that meant we can talk about everything if we want to. I don't talk about DP with him, he doesn't talk about his DP with me. And the 'discussion' about this wasn't a discussion at all, it was him stating what had happened and me going 'Oh. Right. Hmmm.' or something like that. I don't think that really qualifies as a discussion. He left with DP shortly after that, don't know what's been said between the two of them as DP is not home yet.

I have corrected the numerous mistakes in that post previously, so it is lazy or intentional to keep repeating them in order to make a point. If you cared to read the thread properly, you would see that too. It's long now, I get that you might not want to, but please don't feel that it's okay to reiterate or reinforce untruths anyway.

OP posts: