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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have step kids while I have Chemo?

273 replies

bessyboots · 22/10/2011 07:28

AIBU to have emailed OH's ex wife to tell her we will be unable to have his children (we have them every other weekend) aged 12 & 14 for at least 6 months while I undergo Chemo for breast cancer?

She relies on us to have them as she works full time, but I am worried about catching an infection from them. I have my own DS who is 8.

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/10/2011 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 22/10/2011 18:27

bemybebe with the greatest respect, I think you might be projecting your own circumstances on to this thread. Your situation was horrendous, but slightly different to this one.

bemybebe · 22/10/2011 18:28

you were barking up the wrong tree darling

pink4ever · 22/10/2011 18:29

Is that to me bebeConfused

clam · 22/10/2011 18:34

Well I hope she's not calling me darling!

ledkr · 22/10/2011 18:36

Sorry am i mistaken or did the op ask if she was being unreasonable?
She has cancer so are you suggesting that we actually all cowtow to her and say there there of course you arent if we think otherwise? Lots of us who have experienced chemo whilst having children to care for are in a very good position to comment on this as we have experienced it first hand.To suggest that nobody can suggest how chemo will affect people based on their own experiences is suggesting that a lot of support systems are useless such as the threads on here and people like me who go to see newly diagnosed woman to reassure them that life can go on.
As i said before i would have been horrified if when i was ill people felt they couldnt be honset with me.I remember my own Mum telling me i was being too grumpy with my 3 small ds's one day.
The fact remains that if you are responsible or choose a life with someone who is responsible for children then they are there through thick and thin and not cast aside when the going gets tough.We have answered the op in our opinion and made examples of why such actions would probably be unecessary.

Maryz · 22/10/2011 18:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ll31 · 22/10/2011 18:37

I would have thought that tbh u won't know how u feel until u start chemo so would have been better to explain situation and say that there may reasonably be times when u can't have them - but the idea of not having them for 6 months seems unreasonable - esp when you don't know how yoju'll be. Have friends with breast cancer - some have had v few issues from chemo, some a lot. Also, think it should be their dad discussing this with the children and their mother not u. Hope ur treatment goes well

Maryz · 22/10/2011 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/10/2011 18:39

"AIBU to have emailed OH's ex wife to tell her we will be unable to have his children (we have them every other weekend) aged 12 & 14 for at least 6 months while I undergo Chemo for breast cancer?"
I'd be interested to know your OH's take on this. Did you discuss it before sending the email? Did he agree with you? Why did he not send it himself or pick up the phone?

And why are you so certain that you will be UNABLE to have the children there? At 12 and 14 they should not require that much input, and be largely self-caring. Your OH will be there to care for them to, you will not presumably be on your own. They may even provide care to you themselves, and be a comfort.

You say that your 8 year old will be there, so I really do not follow your argument that this is to prevent infection. My 13 year old has far fewer colds etc now than he did when he was 8.

On balance, YABU. Actually, very unreasonable. Maybe you are in a bit of a panic if you have been recently diagnosed, maybe you are trying to plan for worst case scenario. Wouldn't it be better to play it by ear and see how it goes?

Try and see it from your OH's children's point of view. They are being disallowed from seeing their father as much as usi=ual because they may be harbouring germs. They are to be left in no doubt that the come second to you in OH's eyes. Do you think that is a good message to send to his children? Do you think it is acceptable? You might argue that he can take them out for a couple of hours, but that's hardly the same, is it? By sending this email, you are letting them know in no uncertain terms that they are not welcome in your/his house or your/his life. That is likely to cause a damn sight more damage than your cancer.

Kayano · 22/10/2011 18:42

MN bingo? We have already had 'viper nest'

Andrewofgg · 22/10/2011 18:48

First and foremost, all the very best from one who has survived cancer to one who is going to.

Now: at the time of my chemo my DS was 8 and my DW worked part time. Both came home with any bugs they might have picked up. I had to risk that. So do you.

The step kids ought not to lose contact with their father or their younger brother so no, you ought not to cut back contact more than you can help. If there are points in your cycle of chemo when you are especially vulnerable of course you must avoid those if you can. And if you are very tired DH must do all he can.

What are they like? In particular how mature is 14? You may find that they can even help you cope. Please try.

Like many on this forum who have been there I am with you in spirit. Good luck.

ledkr · 22/10/2011 18:51

Oh alright maryz Ill go and get some wine from the shop. I just saw my dd's face on Monday when we saw her Dads gf in ASDA looking fine after she couldnt let exh take her to his house cos she was ill the dy before. "she doesnt look ill now" said poor dd.Kids from first marriages dont become less important.
There i go im off again.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 22/10/2011 18:56

ledkr - go and get the Wine There is just no point in getting upset over a poster who probably doesn't actually really exisit isn't going to come back. There really isn't :(

Poor DD - I hope she text her Dad and told him that she was hurt. Bastard.

TheBestWitch · 22/10/2011 19:00

I think maybe the OP is just panicking. I assume she hasn't been through this before so she doesn't know how she will feel.
I do think it is important for your partner to keep up as much of the relationship with his kids as possible. And if they can see he is doing that it should stop any resentment on their part. I think it would be entirely reasonable for you and your partner to keep away when they are actually ill - which isn't often in teens but otherwise I would try and continue as normal. Obviously if you are feeling really bad and need rest/privacy/help etc then alternative arrangements can be made. Whether that be switching the days your oh sees the kids or him taking them out somewhere.
Good luck and I hope you have a speedy recovery.

ledkr · 22/10/2011 19:06

i know chippinyou are right. DD didnt as she is only 9 but just carries the bloody hurt as she has done for 8 yrs.It will be worse when she goes on facebook when older and she can read all the lovley stuff he has done with his nice new dd and how much he loves his little baby girl,oh and also show off the tatoo he has of her name and not our 4 children.
Dont get me wrong,we will be fine but i do fet so annoyed when i watch dh and how much he supports them all in what they do even the older ones when she has apoxy cold and cant have her there for a few hrs.
Right im opting for a voddy,im abit tired of wine. Baby is already asleep so ill be up at dawns crack Grin

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 22/10/2011 19:23

i agree with bonsoir you emailed the wrong person and if i were you OH i would be furious that you had done that. my children are my responsibility and it is up to me to organise them if i cant have them. teh same with your OH. what has he said about you totally undermining him?

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 22/10/2011 19:37

Ledkr :( Your heart just breaks for them doesn't it. So, they have a dd, but the ESM was too ill for DD to be there as well Hmm Hopefully Facebook will self combust before they have to see it ... crap, just crap that he can treat his children so differently. How do they do it? Really? How???

Voddy sounds good :) How's the baby doing?

Maryz · 22/10/2011 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pranma · 22/10/2011 19:52

When I had chemo I was in a very bad way but,you know, your step children will probably help with your ds and keep him entertained.You are most unlikely to need help going to the bathroom.I would play it by ear.They are old enough to be told the situation and not to come if either is unwell.You are presumably having chemo every 3 weeks.Why not avoid the weekend when your immunity is lowest[around 10 days post chemo I think] and just try the rest of the time.If you are really rough[and I was towards the end] just have a weekend in bed while your dh has the children.
Good Luck with your treatment.

ledkr · 22/10/2011 19:56

Thanks Smile yes and the dd who couldnt go is 9 and changes nappies feeds her etc as she does with her dsis. She is no bother at all.Instead i came home from my birthday treat of a weekend away to find ex here with his baby and my dc's trashing my house Shock
My ds's hardly see him now but ds2 now needs a kidney so im kind of hoping he's amatch he may as well do one good thing and its not as if hes usefull in any other way.
Agree re fb too,i dont touch it,the ds's do tho and get angry.
maryz I do have to watch it yes although im not backwards in coming forwards and do tell him how it is,she will i hope see it clearly as she gets older.
Baby is delicious thankyou.She can fake burp now at only 8 months. I am very proud Grin

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 22/10/2011 20:27

Ledkr - you came home to your Ex, his DD and all of your kids at your house Shock OMG did you hit the roof? What was he doing entertaining the kids in your home? Well, I think that next weekend you should take all of your kids over there and spend the day at their house - all of you. Fucking cheek. Yes, a kidney is the least he can do, let's hope he's a perfect match. My Aunty has a couple of kidney transplants, the difference in her was amazing. I am sure that your DD (with a little help from her big brothers) will, in time, see him for what he is - sad though that is.

Lovely that the baby can now fake burp - is that in a desparate bid to get you to stop winding her, or due to the fact that she has 2 very big brothers?? Grin

One question... how did she get to 8 months already? Surely it was only a couple of weeks ago you had her Hmm Where does the time go???

ledkr · 22/10/2011 20:44

I know,but im not one of those mums who likes the newborn phase so not sad.Im not too keen on the night wakes tbh Grin
She fake burps cos she did one and everyone fell about,so she now does it for attention.I do it myself often dont you?

Yes he was sat on my sofa with his dd playing with mine and enjoying the toys.I didnt say anything cos dd loves her but rest assured it will not happen again.When he rings tomorrow im going to suggest we all go there for a nice roast cooked by his lovely partner-who was the ow btw. Its not the kids fault tho is it?She is sweet.I managed to make a kind of hacking sound when i saw them in Asda in a very ab fab esque manner.Twas funny Grin

Northernlurker · 22/10/2011 21:12

OP - a few points:

  1. Don't EVER e-mail this sort of thing. Doesn't end well.

  2. Could your dh take the kids away for a few days at all whilst you have a friend/relative to stay to help you. A little time focusing on one each other would go along way for your dh and the kids I think and would help with the times you can't have them over.

  3. Can you use the cold cap treatment whilst getting your chemo? Do ask about it if it's not been mentioned. It isn't particularly pleasant to have, I believe, but it does work really well at hanging on to hair and that will help all of you hold on to some normality.

mynewpassion · 22/10/2011 21:20

The OP and her DH are not nice people. I wanted to say worse stuff but I won't stoop to her level.

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