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AIBU?

to not have step kids while I have Chemo?

273 replies

bessyboots · 22/10/2011 07:28

AIBU to have emailed OH's ex wife to tell her we will be unable to have his children (we have them every other weekend) aged 12 & 14 for at least 6 months while I undergo Chemo for breast cancer?

She relies on us to have them as she works full time, but I am worried about catching an infection from them. I have my own DS who is 8.

OP posts:

Report

NatashaBee · 22/10/2011 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 22/10/2011 08:05

I am really sorry that you are ill and I can't begin to imagine what a frightening time this is for you all. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

But. You have your own child. Unless you are planning on sending that child away, or keeping them at home all the time so they can't bring infection home - what's the difference? Do you think that your child will somehow be immune to carrying infection? No. So clearly the 'infection' argument is an excuse that you have developed to justify locking these other children out of your life during this time.

Tempting as it is in very difficult times to pull up the drawbridge and huddle behind the walls with what you see as your family - these children are your family too. They come as a package with the man you are with and you cannot shut them out in difficult times. They are always his. and therefore always yours. You can't pick them up and put them down again to suit. You just can't. When you take up with a man with children, you have to accept that they are there - always. If a person isn't able to do that, then they aren't suited to be with someone who has children.

If your partner is a good man, he will be taking everything on while you are ill and when you are weak - housework, childcare - everything, so naturally he will be handling his children when they are there.

They are his children every bit as much as the child you share is his child. You should ensure they are treated how you would expect your child to be treated. Imagine being told he could barely see his father for 6 months. Would that be fair to your child? No. It would hurt him. And you. So don't do it to his other children.

mumatron · 22/10/2011 08:06

are you for real? you didn't help her out when she was ill, but she has agreed to be flexible with you and she is the selfish one? and how dare she bring up your lack of help. of course she should just forget everything now you are ill.

has your dh agreed to all this? is happy with virtually no contact with his own dc?

bessyboots · 22/10/2011 08:06

The children know that he loves them, he's explained to them that as they are fit and well I am his priority atm and he'll see them when he can.

OP posts:

fivegomadindorset · 22/10/2011 08:08

And your DH is agreeing to this?

Un fucking believable.

pinkytheshrunkenhead · 22/10/2011 08:08

I am sorry for because you are in a horrible situation but you are being very unreasonable. You actually have no basis whatsoever for not allowing these children to stay at your home if you already have a child there full time.

I think the ex is being really reasonable by saying she will be flexible,if you are struggling and unwell during the cycle of treatment then of course having extra children in the house is daft but otherwise your position makes no sense at all.

Being as you let her down when she needed you when she was ill I do think you need to take a softer stance on this. Why should these children suffer and not spend proper time with their Dad?

I have to be honest with you, I do think it is a bit of stealth on your part: the first thing you mention is the effect of the Mother not how the children are going to feel (which would have been my concern).

You need to be careful playing this card (forgive the term) before you have even started treatment, you may really need her help at some point and you have already made things hard for her when she needed you.

camdancer · 22/10/2011 08:09

Is this one of those back to front AIBU's when you are actually the ex?

fivegomadindorset · 22/10/2011 08:09

And be very careful otheriwse you and your DH will find that actually his children may not be bothered to keep up a relationship in the future.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 22/10/2011 08:11

And the child you share? Will he 'see him when he can'?

You can't justify this.

needanewname · 22/10/2011 08:13

I'm afraid I also think yabu, though in understand why.

What does your dh think?
Have you spoken to your step children?

Sending that email was really bad form, as others have said, your dh should be discussing this not you. Even worse when you say that you did little to help when she was ill.

I do hope all goes well with the chemo and that you resolve things with your dh ex, hopefully she will understand that this was your initial reaction

pinkytheshrunkenhead · 22/10/2011 08:13

The children know that he loves them, he's explained to them that as they are fit and well I am his priority atm and he'll see them when he can.

Oh dear, you really are out of order to let this go on. Your husband is scared because you have cancer and you are being manipulative. Cancer is an illness and not a carte blanche for getting your own way.

Sirzy · 22/10/2011 08:14

This is so unfair on his children, there relationship with there father shouldn't be compromised because of you.

They are more than old enough to understand what is happening, so agreeing with them that they should maybe not come if they are ill is one thing but banning them outright is so unfair on them

bessyboots · 22/10/2011 08:14

We don't have a child together, he is my son and his dad lives abroad so he has little contact with him. I have an older DC who has left home.

OP posts:

ToothbrushThief · 22/10/2011 08:15

I'm really sorry you are ill

However YABU.

Children are not weapons to be used to piss off the ex who you don't like. I can't help feeling that you want everyone to support you and were looking for an excuse to do this rather than it's actually necessary.

The relationship between parent and child should not be damaged - your SC need to see their Dad as normal.

There are loads of single parents who wouldn't put their kids into care when ill. Step children are just as important. They are not 'for christmas' .....

Trying to mess up the ex's life (work and her relationship) is not going to make you happier.

mumatron · 22/10/2011 08:15

camdancer thats what i was thinking.

if my ex did this to my dc, they would not be in a rush to see him again after the 6 months were up. they are children, not toys to picked up and dropped whenever you and your dh feel like it.

how would you cope if you had 3 dc that lived with you full time?

macdoodle · 22/10/2011 08:15

Well there is certainly one selfish person here but it isn't your DH's ex, poor kids.

ledkr · 22/10/2011 08:15

Im sorry for your illness but i also had chemo and a mastectomy when i was 27,i had 3 boys under 8 and as my dh was self employed had to do all childcare.The chemo isnt as bad as you imagine and the side effect drugs are fantastic. Tbh i even worked as i had anice easy lunchtime bar job and enjoyed the "normality"
As for your step children the only persepctive that i have is this-i am now remarried and my dh is step father to my dc's.If he was ill he would still have to have his step children around him,i would clearly take over their care when he was ill as i would our own dd but they wouldnt have to move out.
My other point is that last week my exh dp refused to have the children for the day cos she was ill and they were quite upset cos it looked as if their dad was putting her before them.
Im afarid that if you marry someone with dc's they are as important to him as your dc's are to you.
Hope you will be ok,if you do need any support pm me,good luck.

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 22/10/2011 08:16

So you get to see your DC, but he can't?

Nice.

lenak · 22/10/2011 08:17

Sorry you are ill but you are being very unreasonable.

How does your DH really feel about this? If he is in full agreement with it and not just going along with it because you are insisting, he sounds like a not very good dad. If that is the case, hopefully while the kids are on your imposed moratorium on vistis, they will rethink the contact they actually want to have with you both.

How does your DS feel about it - will he miss his step-siblings?

How would you (and you DS) feel if it was your DH that was sick and he insisted that your DS went to live with his dad for six month while he had treatment.

Also, given you were unwilling to help DH's ex when she was ill last year, I really don't think you should be calling her selfish because it sounds very much like you are the selfish one.

needanewname · 22/10/2011 08:18

Camdancer - I thought that

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 22/10/2011 08:19

Oh, sorry. I assumed that the child was your together.

But it doesn't really change the facts, does it? You have a child in the house. You want to ban his children from the house. You are wrong to do so. You have no right, even when ill - and I am really truly sorry that you are ill.

Send your own child to live with someone else for the 6 months. Your other child, a family member, a friend. Hell, put him in care for 6 months. If your concern is stress, infection, etc to the point you can't have these two children on weekends, there is no way you can have your own child full time, is there?

TimeForMeIsFree · 22/10/2011 08:20

YABVVVU

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Fuctifano · 22/10/2011 08:20

Firstly, I'm very sorry about your cancer and hope that chemo is not too hard on you.

Your SDCs have watched their DM and now will experience their DSM being ill. How very difficult for them. I totally understand your desire to focus on getting well and avoiding infection as you undergo chemo.

But, children the age of your DSCs are very emotionally vulnerable, it will be really important for them to see you and understand that the treatment is helping. If you normally have them every weekend then you must have formed a bond with them, infection risk aside - won't you miss them too? I'm a secondary teacher and frequently see young people in bits because of worries they have over the adults whom they love, they are not able to contextualise and rationalise - six months will feel like a life time.

I can also understand your concerns re being helped to the toilet but they are old enough to be spoken to about taking a mature and sensitive approach to this.

My DCs are 14, 12 ,9 and 7 and it is the younger ones who have far more coughs and colds and winter vomiting viruses - the older ones having suffered these when younger and now have a more developed immune system. As an aside could DH maybe enquire about flu jabs that might reduce their likelihood of infecting you.

Sorry but YABU if well intended

hairylights · 22/10/2011 08:21

Yabvu. Very, very, very. It's hard I know but his commitment to them has to over ride everything else. You will damage
their relationship with their dad immensely if you do thi.

fivegomadindorset · 22/10/2011 08:24

And you give step mpthers a very bad name.

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