to not have step kids while I have Chemo?

[bessyboots]

AIBU to have emailed OH's ex wife to tell her we will be unable to have his children (we have them every other weekend) aged 12 & 14 for at least 6 months while I undergo Chemo for breast cancer?

She relies on us to have them as she works full time, but I am worried about catching an infection from them. I have my own DS who is 8.

[Northernlurker]

mynewpassion - she has breast cancer. That's blooody scary - nobody would be at their best!

[HenriettaFarthingay]

I've had cancer twice and chemo and radiotherapy twice. I continued to look after my 4 children first time around with no help (breast cancer), as my husband worked away from home. Second time (lymphoma), just husband and grown up daughter at home, and I continued life more or less as I had been. I don't remember any time needing help to the toilet or anything like that.

You're being silly saying that you can't see your stepchild for a couple of days every fortnight, unless you intend to keep yourself shut away from the whole world in between time at the hospital - you could just as easily pick something up passing someone in the street. If you think you're going to pick up an infection, just avoid the few days in the middle of chemo sessions when you are at your lowest.

Effects of chemo last about a day or so (nausea, tiredness, etc), and then you just get on with life till the next dose.

[Andrewofgg]

HenriettaFarthingay please don't generalise from your experience to that of others. I found there were three days per cycle when I was seriously unwell and three when I was liable to infections. Everyone is different.

[ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern]

Ledkr - I like your style Yes, I'd forgotten that she was also the OW - that just adds fuel to the fire doesn't it?! What a shame you didn't say you aren't keen on the new born phase earlier - I could have had her for the first year then kept her handed her back not bloody likely.

[HenriettaFarthingay]

Oh dear Andrew.....what I failed to make clear in my post is that it is most unlikely that she will be laid low for six months. In fact, I hoped anyone with any sense would infer that from my post. Obviously I'm hoping for too much round here.

Now pop off and calm your beans.

[Andrewofgg]

Henrietta If you look at my first post (18.48) you will see that I entirely agree with you; except for the last line of your post.

And my beans are calm, although I am not entirely sure what that means!

[mynewpassion]

Oh, Northerner, I know she has breast cancer but she's still not very nice to ban her stepchildren to come over when she has her son living there FT.

Sorry, but I am not sympathetic to being mean just because you have cancer.

[Northernlurker]

Serious illness - either chronic or possibly subject to a cure - messes with your head. I agree the OP isn't behaving brilliantly but she is dealing with something vicious and some people cope better than others. You cannot disregard the seriousness of her condition when considering her behaviour.

[frumpet]

How about we say you are not unreasonable to think' i dont think at this moment i can cope with any more people other than OH and DS whilst undergoing chemo , but that i can see that that may actually be unreasonable . So i shall have a chat with my consultant/specialist nurse about how best to avoid infection at crucial times of my treatment and include the stepchildren in as much of our lives as previously , where ever possible . ' There that sounds like a compromise , that might suit you OP.

[lisad123]

my DH has been having chemo for the last 2.5 years and we have 2 children, one who was only 18months when he was dx.
You dont know how you will feel when you are having treatment, HOWEVER, advice is to aviod people when they are sick, not to lock yourself away for months at a time.
If the kids are sick, of course you cant have them BUT if they are well, I really cant see the issue.
One of my friends is going though chemo for breast cancer and she is always up at the school, droppping her dd off, I have offered countless times but she says while she is well, she will do it.

YABU to email the ex, it was a converation that should have beeen between ex and your dh!

Your dh has 2 children, that he needs to see, and spend time with.

[lisad123]

sorry forgot to say, dh spends as little time with the girls when they are sick, and of course things like chicken poxs means extra tablets, but generally he spends normal amounts of time with them

[JamieComeHome]

I can imagine that I might feel exactly as the OP does, as frumpet says. But that with support and reassurance from other people I might be persuaded to see another way

[porcamiseria]

I am so so sorry you are going through this

But life has to go on and I dont think you can NOT see them for 6 months

You have very sympathy but you cant use this as an excuse to stop life as normal, sorry

[2rebecca]

If my husband refused to have my teenage kids in the house with him for 6 weeks because he was having chemo I'd be moving out with the kids. To me kids and stepkids are part of your family if you marry someone with kids. You wouldn't kick your own kids out so why is it OK to ban stepkids?
A completely mad suggestion. My kids are far healthier as teenagers than they were age 8 as well.

[toptramp]

YANBU imo. My mum had chemo and it is highly dangerous to be exposed to infection. You need to reduce the risks as much as possible and if that means not seeing your stepkids then fair enough. My mum wouldn't even see me when she had chemo. Your own dd is your own so why shouldn't you see her as much as you want at this difficult time? And why on earth should you have to look after them when battling cancer? Chemo is fucking exhausting.

I have no idea why you are getting such a hard time op. Unless everyone has been through cancer or watched a family member battle cancer especially through chemotherapy they cannot understand your concerns. I totally disagree with the they are your stepkids suck it up argument. Surely your OH can come to some other arrangement. He can still see them and take them on outings etc, etc. The stepkids have to suck it up tbh as you are the one with cancer. God- it treally pisses me off sometimes how indulgent we all are as a society. grrrrrrrrr.

[toptramp]

really sorry

[toptramp]

Mabe not seeing them for 6 months is a bit extreme but you certainly shouldn't have caring responsibilties for them during this time.

[toptramp]

Also op I hope you get well soon and make a full recovery xxx

[toptramp]

Mabe once a month would be better IF you are feeling up to it.

[toptramp]

Cancer is a terrifying and draining and kids are exhausting. I don't think you are selfish at all op. It's up to your dp to pull out all the stops here. He needs to expalin to them that mabe every other weekend is too much but he can still see lots of them. He can still see them every other weekend but they need to learn that when you are fighting cancer you need to chill as much as possible and are therefore not going to be as hands on as you were when you were well. It will be a valuable lesson for them. Dad can still be as hands on as possible and I think that the biological mum needs to get on board and support you too.

[Ormirian]

So sorry to hear you are so ill.

Do you really think that email was a good way to broach the subject?

I don't know the answer but I feel really sorry for the kids in this.

[toptramp]

She's not getting rid pof them as an inconvenience though is she? She's frightened of getting an infection and frightened that she will have to do a lot of the caring when seriously ill. I am sitting here wondering how much dad pulls his wieght in terms of child care. TBH when one has cancer one has to be selfish IMO.

[toptramp]

I don't feel that sorry for them. they need to learn about serious illness and cancer and the effect it has on people. I feel sorry for the op.