to not have step kids while I have Chemo?

[bessyboots]

AIBU to have emailed OH's ex wife to tell her we will be unable to have his children (we have them every other weekend) aged 12 & 14 for at least 6 months while I undergo Chemo for breast cancer?

She relies on us to have them as she works full time, but I am worried about catching an infection from them. I have my own DS who is 8.

[KurriKurri]

sorry I meant DBF

[KurriKurri]

And despite feeling very very emotional and involved in this topic, and disagreeing with most people on this thread, I would like to wish everyone who has been, or is going through cancer all the very best in their treatment and recovery.

[DogsBeastFiend]

ARGH! I said I wouldn't do this!

The kids are NOT being "sent away". The OP has suggested that they see their father still over these weekends. Why is everyone trying to make out that the wicked stepmother is refusing to allow the poor little children from seeing their father for 6 months!

And you're damn wrong fluffy, if I were that bloody ill again you can bet your bottom dollar I'd be happy to "send my kids away" - though I repeat, this is NOT what the OP is suggesting - to someone with whom they would be well cared for in order to recover from life-threatening, heart, gut and soul wrenching illness. I was already divorced when I had cancer, I had very little help with my girls apart from the occasional day visit from my parents but by god I'd have jumped at the chance of peace and quiet in my own home.

Now I really am leaving this thread for fear I lose patience and say something that I shouldn't.

[ledkr]

kurrikurri I am sorry for your bad experiences but adjuvant chemo for primary breast cancer is rarely as aggressive as yours and as you rightly say your reaction was more extreme.
A lot of us have found it not as bad and our view point is just as valied as your own.
Nobody is saying the op wont experience a rough time, merely that have a 12 and 14 yr old for one weekend a fortnight when their father will be there will be just as possible as her having her own 8 yr old full time.
I the op reacts very badly to her treatment then obviously they would need to re think the situation as they will have to for the 8yr old also,but to pre emptively say the children cant come for 6 months is unreasonable.

[wonkylegs]

I'm sorry that you are going through this , it's not in any way ever going to be an easy or good period in your life.
I do think however you might have started off on the wrong foot in how you tackle this. Chemo is presumably a big new thing to you and you have quite naturally as you are scared reacted to the extreme and gone a bit far.
You would be better having a chat with the SC's mum (even if you can't stand her) admit you don't know how things will progress and that there may be some need for flexibilty in the arrangements and that it may mean that you will be unable to take the kids for whole weekends (I think actually you will find that being unable to physically cope, through feeling worn out, sick or just tired more difficult than catching stuff from them) but that you (all of you , you , her and DH) need to sit down and work out how to lessen or offset the effect of all this on all of the kids including yours. I know it's difficult when you are already going through so much but it is an essential part of how you as a family cope with this.
I haven't been through Chemo as such but I am immunio suppressed due to treatment and have been for many years. I'm now under treatment that means even coughs and colds can be very dangerous, I have a DS who is 3 and through nursery is a prime germ breeding ground I seem to spend my life going through yet more checking and treatment to ensure that the next lergy he brings home doesn't end me up in hospital (don't get me started on Chicken Pox)
So I know where your thought patterns are coming from however as mine is likely to continue for life I've been forced to think in a very different way and work around it as I cannot put life or even certain people in my life on hold indefinitely
I hope you can have a go at looking at this in a slightly different way and that you can find something slightly better for everyone.
I also hope that your treatment is better than expected and that you get through this quickly , hugs for you all at this difficult time

[fluffythevampirestabber]

Howzabout the OP just waits and sees how she feels then? Since she doesn't know how she's going to feel with the chemo at this point? And doesn't organise or unorganise anything until she sees how she feels and just plays it by ear?

(And DBF I didn't mean to upset you - sorry if I did)

[ledkr]

How dare anyone stop children seeing their father.

[fluffythevampirestabber]

Oh and what she said was he can take them out for a few hours - so presumably the kids are not welcome in the house at all?

[KurriKurri]

ledkr - thank you for your post, I am feeling awfully worked up about this for some reason, I don't want to suggest anyone's view is less valid than mine, and I agree I was unfortunate. I apologise for the swearing and emotiveness in my post, although I stand by the general message of it.

But I'm not being objective here, so I will take a step back and let the debate continue without me, I've have my say. The last thing I would want is
to get into a 'suffering' type argument with anyone who has gone through this illness. Its a bugger and a bastard for everyone.

Best wishes, and a sunny weekend to all

[4madboys]

another one saying i am sorry you are going through this but YES you are being unreasonable!

also these kids are 12 and 14, am sure i am not the only one htinking they could actually be HELPFUL, my 12yr old makes a mean cheesecake and can cook spag bog etc, at the least they should be able to make a cup of tea and heat up a can of soup, ditto helping a bit by runnign hoover round or hanging out washing. i am NOT suggesting you use them as slaves/unpaid help but they could and should be helping a bit housework wise and then you could treat them with a trip out to the cinema or bowling.

they may also be able to play with your ds on days you are feeling rough, maybe take him to the park so you can have a rest? again dont take advantage or expect too much but there is no reason why they cant do little htings to help out.

also i think its important that they see you and that they can see how you are doing, they may well be scared/upset etc that you are going through this and just blocking them out of your life for 6mths is NOT a good thing to do imo. they ARE part of your familiy and they need to be involved!

[4madboys]

have caught up now and see there are alternative pov! i think to say straight out you dont want them staying is unreasonable, but you could just see how it goes, have them over hwne you can and make sure the kids and their mother is aware that there MAY be times when you cant have them. you may react badly and be very ill, you may not, but you cant start out as thought it will all be terrible, you do have to try and see how you go i think?

[ledkr]

kurri kurri Yes it gets me a bit worked up too. hope all is well with you too. Vile evil disease.

[AuntieMaggie]

I think although there is a lot on well meant criticism of the OP here none of us know how much treatment the OP is going to have and the comment about her having to be helped to the loo makes me think that maybe this is quite advanced or she is going to have quite aggressive treatment. I don't know first hand what its like to go through something like this, though I did have major sugery and tbh I didn't want many people around me either.

She isn't suggesting that her DP can't see his DC just that they can't have them to stay which I don't think is unreasonable though maybe the suggestion of 6 months is, but that depends on what the OP has been told by the hosp about her treatment.

This must be a really hard situation to be in and I hope that the OP finds a compromise.

[Conundrumish]

OP. Maybe AIBU is not a good place to post - perhaps the health forum might have other sufferers who can advise how ill you are likely to feel and what you are likely to be able to manage. Sorry you are going through this.

[lubeybooby]

DBF and if it were my DD I'd be telling her to get round there and muck in, help look after the younger ones, cook, generally help out. Like FAMILY do at a time like this.

[SmethWitchBelle]

From the kids perspective retaining normality is important so if the visits stay the same this can reassure them of that.

From my (single parent) sister's experience of chemo absolutely you can feel rough at times but they prop you up with steroids and anti sickness drugs for other points on the cycle so it isn't necessarily 6 months of crawling about - she had her kids most of the time by herself, (ex H took them every wednesday night and every other weekend), she moved house, organised a Christmas for the whole family during hers. Not saying I wouldn't want to focus thoroughly on myself in your position but I don't think it sounds possible and with your OH around to help you won't be on your own.

I know my sister's Ex H did not move one jot from the planned routine which was bad when she was struggling - but like I say she was a single parent - and so I'd take the offer of flexibility as a positive - that's something worth having but she won't have to move more than that in the circs.

Really hope it goes quickly for you. I won't say you are being unreasonable as I'm sure you're just trying to get your head round things.

[SansaLannister]

I still can't believe their dad hasn't stepped up to the plate here.

[tiredfatandneedmorecurry]

Wow. Just wow. Mumsnet really has hit a new low today. Baiting and insulting a woman who has breast cancer. Calling her selfish, amongst other things. How f*ing dare you all?? Some of you literally have the empathy and sensitivity of an amoeba, you really do. How dare any of you presume to tell the OP how she will feel during chemo - I notice some of the nuttier more paranoid posters are actually accusing her of inventing the whole thing! Am truly, truly revolted by some of you.

OP, I am so sorry for you. You have definitely posted this in the wrong place. Stepmothers will usually be flamed on here as there are many 'wronged' exes who will look for any opportunity to have a go at a stepmother. I thought that they would draw the line at someone who has cancer, but apparently not. Please try to ignore the more vicious posters - most of them have their own angry agenda.

YANBU to want to scale back the visits from your stepkids while you are ill. You are your DH's wife and as such he has in my view equal responsibility to you and his kids, but in these circumstances you do come first! The kids have a mother who they can stay with, and it's a time when everyone will just have to adapt. Your DH is not weak or a bad man, he's doing the right thing and putting his ill wife first; the kids are old enough to understand this.

Please ignore the absolute horrors on here - and if I were you I would find a more sympathetic forum, as on here all you'll get is abuse. Some support from people who actually have a shred of decency, but mostly people who think it's ok to have a go at a sick woman and insult her. Disgusting.

I wish you luck.x

[bemybebe]

Excellent post tired

[Esta3GG]

I had an awful time on chemotherapy. Hospitalised constantly with zero neutrophils. Meanwhile my friend had no problems at all - and apart from the hair loss her 3 kids didn't even know that anything was up.

You really don't know how you are going to feel on chemo until you have it.
Just take time to see how things map out - you might change your mind once you get started on your regimen and get to know when your good and bad weeks are.
People are particularly moronic about the neutrophil issue - if they are flatlining and you get an infection it is life threatening.

You really shouldn't have posted here and unleashed the full bonkers judgementalism of AIBU. Use proper breast cancer forums where you can discuss the issue freely with women who have a broad spectrum of DIRECT experience of breast cancer and its treatments.
I wish you very well. x

[fluffythevampirestabber]

I haven't done any biting. Or insulting.

Neither has anyone else on the thread.

But the question isn't do we have sympathy for her being ill, the question is should she email the ex and demand that the stepkids don't stay over for six months and their dad sees them for a few hours out of the house every other weekend.

[ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern]

tiredfatandneedmorecurry - what an utter load of bollocks.

OP - I agree with everyone else. I am really sorry you have cancer and have to go through Chemo.

However, these are your husbands children, not a hobby. The pair of you cannot pick & choose when you can be bothered with them

I think he ex is being remarkably understanding given how little you supported her last year.

She is not the one being selfish here.

You could send your DS to his Dad's for the 6 months plus that you don't want any infections being brought into the house.

[clam]

What has made this seem a little to me is the calm admission about not having been very helpful when the ex was ill previously. Who would admit to that unprompted?