to not have step kids while I have Chemo?

[bessyboots]

AIBU to have emailed OH's ex wife to tell her we will be unable to have his children (we have them every other weekend) aged 12 & 14 for at least 6 months while I undergo Chemo for breast cancer?

She relies on us to have them as she works full time, but I am worried about catching an infection from them. I have my own DS who is 8.

[skybluepearl]

dose the kids up with vitamin c and a multi vitamin and then carry on as normal? any sign of even a cold - they stay away.

[AlexandraPeppernose]

My children's father has stage 4 bowel cancer and he is happy to see the kids unless they have a major bug. Usually the chemo knocks him out for a couple of days and I would never expect him to have the children if he was poorly but 5 mths into treatment we haven't had to change any arrangements at all.

Maybe see how you react to your first few treatments before making any rash decisions.

We try to be as open with the children about the situation so if they don't see him it's not because anything they have done. I'd like to think this would be no different if step children were involved as well.

I hope you make a speedy recovery.

[2rebecca]

I think that excluding stepchildren from the house is as unreasonable as excluding children. If you marry someone with children you should be willing to treat them as favourable as your own children.
If my husband had cancer and expected my kids not to visit MY house whilst his could I would be angry.
This is the OP's husband's house too. Why shouldn't his kids be as welcome in the house as his wife's kids?
Also 14 year olds don't pick up as many viruses as young kids.
I don't like the "my kid is welcome in my house but your kids aren't" tone of this.
The OP could ensure when her stepkids visit that her husband does most of the cooking and housework and entertaining. Teenagers generally need less entertaining than younger kids anyway.
I can't imagine me or my exhusband ever banning our kids from either of our houses.

[Ormirian]

Yes, she has to be the biological mother. It's a reverse reveal! Must be,

[ledkr]

toptrump Its awfull about your mum but if you read back on the thread many of us have had first hand experience of actually being the sufferer and looking after our children whilst having treatment which is more relevent in this case.
Op will still be able to rest up as dh will be looking after all the children including hers.

[clam]

Toptramp, with the greatest respect, I think you might be projecting here. The OP (if in fact it is the OP with cancer and not the ex-wife posting) has no idea at this stage how her treatment will affect her. People react in different ways according to the type of cancer they have, dosage of chemo and so on. My MIL felt rough at times, but at no point did she say she couldn't see or look after her grandchildren. We tried to limit it on her behalf but she wanted to see them - she said they cheered her up and took her mind off things.

I think the unreasonable thing here is that the OP took it upon herself to email her husband's ex about arrangements for children that are not hers to make, based upon an assumption about how she might feel over the next 6 months. She should have let her partner deal with it on her behalf at he very least.

[Faithless12]

Toptrump sorry you lost your mum but your argument is ridiculous. What if the op ruins her OH's relationship with his children and then the worst happens? Believe me if they have minimal contact for six months she will have ruined their relationship.

[fluffythevampirestabber]

But the stepkids are her DP's biological children and as such have every bit as much right to be there as her child.

She's actually said the kids aren't welcome in the house and they should only see their Dad out of the house.

It's understandable that she's panicking with chemo and being ill, I'm not downplaying that but to stop the kids having a decent amount of time with their father, when they only see him every other weekend to start with, is just unfair.

And those kids have already had to deal with their mum being ill and the OP didn't step up and help and now she's expecting the ex to do so. Double standards.

And the OP should never have got involved between her DP and his ex WRT access and how much he should see his kids, that's really not anything to do with her, she should have left it to her partner to discuss with his ex, once the situation had arisen and she saw how she felt.

But like I said the OP is long gone. So it's a pointless discussion and I'm bowing out of the thread.

[Faithless12]

Toptrump- that is ridiculous her OH is biologically related to those children you know or do fathers relationships not count, I dare you to tell my DS that he'd much rather be with DH than me. The op is fine for banning her step children from their home, it's their home every other weekend, but her biological son is find because he's hers. So that must be why the op and her OH refused to help out the step childrens mum when she was ill.

The step children are teenagers they hardly need entertaining.

[toptramp]

I just lost mum to cancer so my sympathies are always going to be with the patient. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and the whole family does HAVE to adjust. You can't just go trotting on as normal; it dosn't work like that. It is awful for everyone involved and i wish the op all the best. And the kids for that matter.

[toptramp]

Because the son is her biological son. If she has a poor relationship with the step kids mabe she feels stressed at having to deal with them. I do feel sorry for the step kids too of course (very sorry) but more sorry for the op.
I didn't realise their mum was ill too.

[fluffythevampirestabber]

And the op is long gone anyway so it's all kind of pointless.

[girliefriend]

My guess is there is more to this than we know, if the op loved her step children and valued their relationship with their father it would not have occurred to her to not see them or restrict their visiting.

I can also sense the panic as the reality of having to have chemo is beginning to sink in.

yabu but when you are scared that happens.

[fluffythevampirestabber]

She is making a difference between them and her own child and really it should be the stepkids home equally as it is her child's iyswim?

Toptramp - why should the stepkids be shut out when her own child isn't? They are her DP's flesh and blood and should be treated equally to her child in the family. And they're only there every other weekend to start with and her child is there every day, so it's already unequal.

And I reckon you'd catch more from an 8 year old than a teen as well.

[toptramp]

It dosn't mean her OH can't see the kids on a regular basis. Mabe the kids could come round for the day when her immune system is on top form but adjustments are going to have to be made and if teh kids have a cold then they can't come to stay and yes; they will have to understand that it is too dangerous if one of them has a cold.

[Faithless12]

Of course she is making them 2nd class citizens; they aren't allowed round but her own son is. Why the difference?

[Faithless12]

Toptrump you obviously have no experience with being a stepchild and just plain lack empathy. So these children should miss out on a proper relationship because of their dads OH?

[toptramp]

How exactly is she making them 2nd class citizens? She is putting down boundaries as she is going to go through chemo.

[Ormirian]

Curious to know why you weren't supportive to her when she was ill?

So... kids have had to cope with seriously ill mother. Now seriously ill step-mother and banishment from familh home.

That's why I feel sorry for them. I can find sympathy for both the OP and the kids you know.

[Faithless12]

Toptrump, the op is not getting a hard time she is being told she is being unreasonable to expect her OH to not have his children at the times he should be. I for one have watched close family members die from cancer so no I'm not just being blinkered. It's not nice but you get on with it the best you can. None of my family members needed help going to the toilet so why op expects to need help is beyond me it seems like an excuse to push the children out.

[toptramp]

Sure I was gutted when I couldn't see my mum when she had chemo but she was simply too scared she would catch something and she felt sick. You know what? I got over it because I love her and knew she needed to go it alone.
Op; find out from your doctor at what points during chemo your immune system is strongest as it does recoup somewhat but at no point feel you HAVE to see people if you don't want to.

[toptramp]

I don't feel that sorry for them. they need to learn about serious illness and cancer and the effect it has on people. I feel sorry for the op.

[toptramp]

She's not getting rid pof them as an inconvenience though is she? She's frightened of getting an infection and frightened that she will have to do a lot of the caring when seriously ill. I am sitting here wondering how much dad pulls his wieght in terms of child care. TBH when one has cancer one has to be selfish IMO.