Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have step kids while I have Chemo?

273 replies

bessyboots · 22/10/2011 07:28

AIBU to have emailed OH's ex wife to tell her we will be unable to have his children (we have them every other weekend) aged 12 & 14 for at least 6 months while I undergo Chemo for breast cancer?

She relies on us to have them as she works full time, but I am worried about catching an infection from them. I have my own DS who is 8.

OP posts:
clam · 22/10/2011 13:00

tiredfatandneedmorecurry actually the OP mentioned her OH, i.e. Other Half, which doesn't not necessarily mean she is his wife.

clam · 22/10/2011 13:01

doesn't not? Blush

Where is the OP, anyway?

ToothbrushThief · 22/10/2011 13:02

Baiting and insulting a woman who has breast cancer. Calling her selfish, amongst other things.

Personally I said she was BU and I stand by that.

A reasonable course of action would be to inform the ex that you have a serious illness and there may be times when you don't feel up to SDC staying

How dare any of you presume to tell the OP how she will feel during chemo
To be fair if she'd posted asking how will I feel the same responses would have been helpful. in this situation I think it still adds perspective

Stepmothers will usually be flamed on here as there are many 'wronged' exes who will look for any opportunity to have a go at a stepmother.

It's nothing to do with being a step mother. It's everything to do with being a step child.

Please try to ignore the more vicious posters - most of them have their own angry agenda.
I'm not angry. You however sound over emotional and irrational

YANBU to want to scale back the visits from your stepkids while you are ill. She said stop and stop for 6 months...not scale back

mumatron · 22/10/2011 13:09

what toothbrushthief just said.

if the op had come on here saying she was scared and was not sure she could cope with the dc then she might have had a better reaction.

have you actually read her posts?

i'm not convinced this is even real.

bemybebe · 22/10/2011 13:13

"i'm not convinced this is even real."

Aren't you charming Hmm

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/10/2011 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessScrumpy · 22/10/2011 13:21

So is your 8yo moving out for 6 months? When you got with dp you took on his kids and you cannot just drop them, no matter what the reason. They are old enough to understand how ill you are and perhaps be able to even help, but by not seeing them it will look like dp has chosen you over his kids - something you should not expect him to do.

I think it would be reasonable to aks them to stay away if they are unwell, have alcohol gel for anyone who comes to the house etc but they are family and "live" at your house, even if it is only for a weekend.

It's probably not what you want to hear as you don't need the stress but the children will need support and may even be worried and upset about your illness - cancer has a tendancy to scare people, especially children.

mumatron · 22/10/2011 13:28

bemybebe it's called an opinion this would be a mighty dull place if we didn't have them.

bemybebe · 22/10/2011 13:32

same here, same here... an opinion

ToothbrushThief · 22/10/2011 13:37

Regardless of my opinion I have to say I'm thinking of the OP. She must feel overwhelmed by the response of this thread and I hope she can take the support that is there as well.

I would personally retract my e-mail and tell the ex that you're concerned by your future but would hope to keep the contact continuing.

Then focus on keeping yourself well. Talk to the DSC and ask them for some help?

mumatron · 22/10/2011 13:45

yes, but I didn't criticise yours did I?

if the op is genuine, then she has my deepest sympathies. I've not had cancer myself, but i am in the position of the other mother in the op. my dc step mum is going through it. she had a double mastectomy two weeks ago. she has dc and they have mine every other weekend.

my dc's dad would never have said our dc could not go there. as it is the visits have not changed by more than hour. yes, she may not be affected the same way, but if there was a time she was not up to my dc going there, it is something ex-p and I would have discussed. we have a turbulent relationship but even she would not just email me that all visits were off for 6 months.

I just cannot comprehend how anyone could be so blunt about the whole situation. the unprompted details about the ex's health problems etc. it just does not ring true.

clam · 22/10/2011 14:54

The subject of this thread, whether it's the OP herself or she's actually the ex-wife posing the question, has been diagnosed with a dreadful illness. She deserves our sympathy.
But I don't see that that means we should condone her undertaking a completely unjustifiable stance with her DP's children.

pink4ever · 22/10/2011 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/10/2011 15:24

I can see both sides of this, though I do tend slightly more towards the YABU side. Clearly this is a very stressful and traumatic time for you, and you do deserve extra consideration, OP, but your OH's dds are important too, and they will probably feel very hurt and upset by this apparent rejection by you and more importantly, by their father.

So my advice would be to take a middle ground - say to your dsds, your oh, and his ex that you will carry on having them at the weekends, unless you are having a particularly bad time with the chemo, in which case your dh could go and spend time with them, or unless either of them has an infection, in which case it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask them to stay with their mum.

You never know, they might prove to be a real support to you, your oh and your ds at this difficult time, and you might find it makes the relationships stronger.

frumpet · 22/10/2011 15:24

Rather than saying no contact , why not speak to your consultant about your regime , they will be able to tell you when your neutrophils are going to be at the lowest post chemo and when you are most risk of infection . So say your regime is every 4 weeks and your neutraphils are at their lowest ten days post chemo , there are going to be times when you could still see the children IYSWIM. Obviousley if they have stinking colds or chicken pox etc , then it would be better for them not to come round as you dont want to catch a cold and have to delay your chemo .
Good luck with your chemo , some regimes are tougher than others and they will try to alleviate the worst symptoms with medication . I know plenty of people who were able to happily work through their treatment .

tiredfatandneedmorecurry · 22/10/2011 15:31

pink4eva -'Cancer is scary and it can be tough but doesnt give you carte blanche to act like a selfish twunt.'

Jesus. Just horrible, honestly. Have you had a bad experience with a stepmother or something because you seem pretty angry!

In your opinion, pink, the kids come first. In YOUR opinion. There is no rule book. I personally believe your partner comes first when they have cancer. And it was my post you were criticising not bemybebe's. I stand by what I said - stepmothers get a flaming on here, often unreasonably.

smee · 22/10/2011 15:43

I can't be faffed to get involved with all the hysteria on here, but OP I've had chemo for BC. Sorry you're facing it, but I'm wondering if you're thinking you're going to be in bed for the duration, so unable to cope with the step children?

When I was told I'd have to have it, that's what I assumed, but it wasn't like that at all and I managed to carry on most of life as normal. Not saying there weren't tough days, but it really was doable. If you want to ask anything about how you might feel nip over to Tamoxifen thread in General Health. A fair few of us on there have juggled kids/ chemo, so we might be able to help you work out what's possible and what's not.

mowbraygirl · 22/10/2011 15:47

I feel you are being rather harsh with the OP.

My BF and a friends sis where both diagnosed July last year with breast cancer although my BF also has it in some bones. They both started chemo treatment about the same time and had absolutely horrible side effects. It was for just over 6 months and was once a week for 3 weeks and then a weeks break.

Friends sis had uncontrobable diarrhoea her energy levels were absolutely zero spent most of the time lying down terrible mouth ulcers so found eating if she ever felt like it so difficult and I could go on and on.

BF had the diarrhoea as well plus loads of other symptons. She barely went out of the house for the 6 months except to her chemo and the blood tests. She got fed up with people telling her that various friends of theirs had had chemo and still carried on their lives as normal and that there are pills today that stop all the side effects.

She spoke to her consultant at length about this and he explained that everyones body is different and they react to things differently and yes the pills don't work for everyone. It also depends what strength of chemo and how frequent and long you have it for.

She was also told that she must not mix with her 3 step grandchildren who ranged in ages from 4 -16 as they may be carrying infections. She had to make do with speaking to them on the telephone and on Skype. The consultant said if she had had a young DC of her own would have been different for some reason or other which I cannot remembr.

The OP doesnt know how she is going to be usually takes one or two doses for the side effects to really take affect. I would hate to have other children in the house and suffering with diarrhoea not getting to the toilet in time or panicking if it is not free. Is alright if you have an en suite or a couple in the house.

I presume the OP does a lot of arranging i.e. beds meals etc. when the step DC's are staying with her and her DH so would her DH be willing to do all this if she is laid low? It is all very well saying they could help out but I feel wouldn't be long before they get fed up with that. So in my opinion I don't think YANBU.

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 22/10/2011 15:55

I'm with KurriKurri. Some fucker upthread even said "playing a cancer trump card" for fucking fucksake Shock

You know what? If I had cancer I would do whatever the hell I needed to do to get through it. None of you, not even the op herself knows how the treatment will affect her. For people to sit on here, not in the OP's position and trot out meaningless platitudes whilst calling her all the names under the sun makes me sick. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

smee · 22/10/2011 16:03

I've just flicked back through, as didn't read before I posted. Am shocked by what some on here have said. So vicious and unnecessary. She has cancer fgs. It's terrifying, as is facing chemo. She might be fine on it, or she might not, but it's bloody awful either way.

clam · 22/10/2011 16:06

I think you'll all find that defending the OP against nasty mean MNers on here is not necessary. I'm laying money on this being the ex-wife posting, posing as her exH's new partner.

Sirzy · 22/10/2011 16:06

Any the vast majority of posters have expressed sympathy for her situation. However, having cancer doesn't all of a sudden mean people have to start using kid gloves. She posted in aibu and people told her she was.

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 16:13

where's the father in all this? if my partner emailed my ex with a unilateral decision like this without our having talked about it (and my being the one to discuss it with my childrens' mother face to face not some fucking email or text or Facebook) i'd be incandescent, cancer or no.

bemybebe · 22/10/2011 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

wannaBe · 22/10/2011 17:05

you know what, having cancer doesn't suddenly turn someone into a saint incapable of wrongdoing. If you are a selfish person before you develop cancer you will still be a selfish person. Cancer isn't like the confessional where you are resolved of all wrongdoing and can behave however you like and no-one dare say anything.

The op (if she is real) deserves every sympathy with the fact she has cancer and has to go through chemo.

That doesn't mean that people should be blind to the fact that she is using her illness to justify cutting contact with her stepchildren.

If these were resident stepchildren no-one would say it was ok for the op to ship them out for six months. The fact they do not live with the op and her dp permanently does not change this fact.

You can't pick and choose when to be a parent - and if you marry a man with kids that still applies regardless of whether those kids live with you or not.