to not understand why people leave their babies to go on holiday

[poppygolucky]

Ok flame me if I'm being judgey mcjudgey pants, but two of my friends have recently left their young babies to go on holiday abroad. In the case of one friend, her DD was just seven weeks old and she went away for 5 nights to Amsterdam.

I know it's none of my business and I wouldn't dream of saying anything in RL, but just wanted to know if other MNetters would find this a bit odd. I don't want to judge them but equally just can't comprehend leaving my baby at that age for that length of time.

I shall don my hard hat and await your replies :)

Well I couldn't do it because, a)I breastfed and b)I would've been on the phone every 2 minutes checking up on them and c)would be having ridiculous panics about our plane crashing and leaving child an orphan.

But I don't see anything wrong with it if that's what you feel OK doing.

Incidentally just as a point of accuracy, it's quite possible to breastfeed and go away without your baby. You would need to build up stocks beforehand, and continue expressing while away to keep the supply going. I imagine a lot of people might not want the hassle of that, which might influence their decision on whether to go away or not- but it is entirely possible. I just think it's important to be accurate because the next thing we know, mothers who go away will be slated as formula feeders!!

Likewise it is entirely possible to return to work while exclusively feeding breastmilk. My dc was 12 weeks when I returned to work, I expressed milk and in fact continued bf til about 18'months.

My 11 month old daughter spends weekends with me and her dad, 2 days a week being cared for by her dad solely, 2 days by a nanny (shared with another family with a daughter the same age) and one day with my husband (who pops in and out doing chores) and our cleaner. She is kept in exactly the same routine every day, has slept through the night since she was 8 weeks old and will happily be looked after by anyone and everyone. She is smiley, laid back and totally content. Probably because that is howher parents are!

I enjoy doing dinner and bath / bed times when I get in from work. I love spending my weekends with her. But I also very much enjoy the occasional weekend or night when my husband and I can pack her off with her granny and fantasise that we are childless and fancy free.

I think DD1 was about 7 weeks old the first time I left her with my mother (at our house) for the night while husband and I headed off to dinner and a hotel down the road. It was fabulous to get some time to ourselves again and feel human having had a miserable pregnancy.

The children add to our lives and their needs necessarily direct it but they do not dictate every aspect of it, nor every aspect of how my husband and I spend our time. I don't see the need to be with my children every second of every day, nor do I WANT to spend every waking moment of my life with them, any more than I want to be with my husband every single minute of every day.

I spent a great deal of time with many relatives and family friends growing up while my parents did their own thing and it did me no harm whatsoever. In fact it made me an independent and sociable child who was happy to go on girl guide camp, sleepovers etc. without having a melt down like so many overprotected insulated kids. At no point did I feel 'neglected' because I spent the occasional weekend with my grandparent or a night with the next door neighbours.

I agree with callmemrs. I returned to work when both my kids were 4 months. Dc1 was ebf till one year and am planning the same with dc2 (currently 5 months). I avoided long overseas trips (longer than 2 nights away) as expressing is just a hassle and didn't want to affect my milk supply but did (and will) do the odd night away with no problems at all. After I finished bf dc1, I did do longer trips (5/6 days). It was harder on me than her, as her routine didn't change, she had daddy and her nanny and she thought it wildly exciting that she had bedtime stories with mummy on the tv in her room (skyping on a laptop) and kisses from daddy. We do the same when dh travels. So would the judgers judge dh for travelling or just me? Or is it that age old sexist argument that our dcs need me more and therefore they are to be metaphorically attached to the tit forever more?

I think 'you nail the point novice, with the comment about some things being problematic for the mother, not the child. I do think this is the point that many people get confused over. They see something which would be problematic to them - it might be going on holiday without the child ("oh I couldn't bear to be away for that long", "I couldn't deal with the hassle of expressing"). Or it might be going back to work ("oh I would miss my child too much", "oh I couldn't cope with running a family and working too")

The important thing is to recognise those things for what they are- ie about the mother. Absolutely nothing wrong with how you personally feel. The danger comes with trying to make spurious claims that someone elses decisions are harmful to their children, or mean that they don't have a bond or some such crap. Just be honest - if you don't want to have holidays without the children/ go to work/ use a nursery or whatever the issue of the week, just say so. Don't confuse it with thinking you're a superior parent though, and don't imagine your children will turn out any different or thank you for the choices you've made. And let's do away with the martyr style attitude too. If you don't want to go on holiday without kids, or you don't want to return to work, don't make out it's some major sacrifice because it is what you want to do!

^^

Good post!

I had a family member who thought I was out of order going to NY with my mum to visit my cousin for 6 days leaving ds 3 and dd 6 with my hubby, their father!

She then went mental when dh and I went to London for the weekend and then 2 days after we got home I took the children to York for a few days. This was because all holidays should be family holidays.

But dd who is 11 guilt tripped us for having a night away on Friday night. She had a fab time with granny but still makes us feel crap for wanting 24 hours to ourselves.

Each to their own but try not to make mum or dad feel guilty just cos you wouldn't do it.

We seem to have agreement here really. Also as stated above it is very sexist when people say women can't be away from a baby but men can.

I should also say as with calmh I also went back to work very quickly and exclusively breastfed for a year and expressed milk at work. I didn't like it and when I had the twins babies 4/5 and was workign for myself instead I worked mostly here and had them brought to me for feeding which was much better, but it is certainly possbile. Given i was having to express at work though it was such a relief to get home and feed and feed in the night I don't think I would have wnated in addition to go away socially and have to do get more expressing. In fact my body when I'm breastfeeding wants to be with the baby an d have a proper feed not an expressing session. In 1983 before I had daughter 1 I bought ab ook called working and breastfeeding which was very useful and planned all that before she was born. It worked out very well. She's 27 and ran the London marathon this year. I'm sure the breastmilk helped and also sure that the fact she had secure working parents and good childcare has helped her be happy and independent and successful all those years on. I expect she will be older than some of those posting.

I wish I had the balls to go away, dh has done since they were babies with his work, he hated going, more so since he became a dad but it was the nature of his job. He has also gone on trips abroad with the lads.

I would love to go, but I have a fear of flying alone. I've managed 2 nights in London with the girls, but I knew I could get home if I could. My kids would be totally fine with their dad, I am a self confessed wimp!

Dh wants us to go abroad for a long weekend, infact he nags me every year, I really want to do it, but I doubt I will.

callmemrs wins the thread! :)

Bows, graciously accepts round of applause, bouquets, wine, chocolate ........

zooms in.... steals bouquet.... zooms out again... >>>>> [hgrin]

Every 'passed from pillar to post' baby I've ever encountered is quiet and non-fussy - but I wouldn't put that down to contentment

I've never seen a baby 'passed from pillar to post', I've seen them taken care of by parents, grandparents, siblings, other family members, friends or paid professionals.

Babies cry, sleep quietly, gurgle, grizzle, laugh... all of it - whether it's with its parents or not. A parent's job is difficult enough without sneery put-downs from people who have no idea what other people's circumstances are - and who will quickly change their views should their own 'parent model' change. Hopefully they'll receive compaionship and understanding when that happens and might even have the grace to feel a bit ashamed... maybe not though?

Why go on holidays without your children? They're a part of your family unit - you can't just cast them aside for your own enjoyment. I mean did your friend REALLY need a break from her child after SEVEN weeks? Selfish stupid woman.

I work 24 hour shifts in my job, so I have been away from my children for a full day once a fortnight from when each child was 7 months old. And that has been hard. I couldn't do this at 7 weeks old!

Now they are 11, 9 and 5 and I am going away on holiday for a week - to Australia! I'm dreading being away from them and I hope nothing happens to me so I'll get back to them in one piece.

...it's a whole thread full of sweeping generalisations isn't it?

7 weeks is maybe too young, you're still bonding with a child when they are that age so personally I don't agree with that. My mum went on her first holiday without children when I was 17. But I would spend every other Friday night at my grandparents so I guess that was her 'holiday'. I certainly don't tut anyone who goes on holiday without their children, if they feel they need that then fair play to them.

What's wrong with this thread is that instead of saying something like, "I just couldn't face leaving my baby/child, I'd miss them too much" or somesuch - it has to be turned around to project feelings of disgust that ANY parent would countenance such a thing and if they do, well, they're barely parents....

So annoying and so unnecessary. Are some posters here so very insecure that they're needing to bolster themselves up by taking pot-shots at other mothers? How pathetic if that's the case.