to not understand why people leave their babies to go on holiday

[poppygolucky]

Ok flame me if I'm being judgey mcjudgey pants, but two of my friends have recently left their young babies to go on holiday abroad. In the case of one friend, her DD was just seven weeks old and she went away for 5 nights to Amsterdam.

I know it's none of my business and I wouldn't dream of saying anything in RL, but just wanted to know if other MNetters would find this a bit odd. I don't want to judge them but equally just can't comprehend leaving my baby at that age for that length of time.

I shall don my hard hat and await your replies :)

I have said I'm trying not to judge and just can't understand how either parent would do .this. It isn't aimed specifically at the mother.
However, i'll happily take the criticism although I can't help feeling as I do, and in my head was far better I discuss it in AIBU, than say anything to these parents in RL.
I wish I could be the type of person who never occasionally passed judgement on another person. Alas I'm not.

I wouldn't do it, either; I guess to each his/her own, but I want to have holidays WITH my DCs...I kind of like them! They love both sets of grandparents, and love to spend nights/weekends with them, which is enough. They're only 5 and 4 at the min, so we might feel differently when they're a bit older...

To each his own certainly. But here's another thought. Most of us are used to families where mum does the majority of childcare, dad chips in a bit, and mum and dad do family activities together at some if not all weekends. But other households by necessity are different. There are some dads who are primary carers - mum disabled/terminally ill/died in childbirth. Then some households are split up by work - dad has to work abroad or in the armed forces abroad, mum is pretty much a single parent much of the time. And in some uncommon but not rare scenarios, it is mum who has the job/career that pays more or is a more stable form of income and has to work abroad or in the armed forces, and there isn't always a mother/sister to help with childcare; the dad just gets on with it as either an SAHD or WOHD with nursery/creche.
But sadly I also know of several mums who should have gone on a holiday when baby was little and didn't - with sleep deprivation, money worries, a couple of older kids around to look after as well, it just got way too much for mum, and she nearly ended up topping herself or the kids. There would have been help available if they had asked, and the dad would have coped for the five or six days- but because she/they stuck to the norms of "mother must invariably be at home with the baby" it was a horrendous time for all. Lucky for one family it was just a few broken pieces of furniture and windows to contend with, but for another, mum is still ill and in no fit state to look after the kids.

I am a Granny and I would just like to say that I would be happy to look after my grandchildren while their parents had a holiday, it would do them good and I would spend quality time with my grandchildren.

Good grief, what harm is it going to do for the little buggers to stay with grandparents for a week or so? I'd happily farm mine out as often as the budget allows! My parents managed not to kill me over the first 18 years of my life so I assume they will be capable of keeping my kids alive for 7 days. Besides, looking after babies / children isn't exactly rocket science is it?

Lets face it its not much of a "holiday" when you're still having to get up at 7am, stay in every night and stick to the kids routine like at home. And how many small children enjoy being dragged round tourist attractions? My idea of a HOLIDAY is getting away from the stresses and strains and usual drudgery of every day, not taking it with me!

I don't see the point of wasting exorbitant sums taking small kids on exotic foreign holidays they won't enjoy or remember when I can leave them wth Granny and Grandpa and they will (all) have a fabulous time going to the park, feeding the ducks, getting taken to the zoo etc etc etc.

Then H and I can get away, recharge our batteries, do the things we, as adults love to do on holiday (city breaks, dinners out, going to the theatre, visiting interesting places, drinking the local beverages etc.) have lots of sex and feel like we have had a real break. I love my babies but that doesn't mean I enjoy being tied to them 24/7 nor feel like I HAVE to be.

callmemrs, I do holiday without my children, once the youngest was about 3.5/4, not 7 weeks.

To me, if you can leave your 7 week old for a week to skip off on holiday and not fret about your tiny baby that you only just gave birth to then there is something wrong. I would've struggled to be separated from my babies for a day at that age, and certainly couldn't have relaxed and enjoyed myself.

I'm not saying it should never be done, but if you can't wait a year or two before you want/need some time off

I still havent spent a night away from my 9 month old, my dd1 stayed over night with GPs when she was about 18 months

Some friends of ours regularly leave thier son with Gps to go away for 1-2 weeks.
They missed his first steps and first words while they were on holiday without him.

That's fine for you then greenmonkies.
What isn't fine is to state that women who do things differently have something 'wrong' with them or aren't bonding with their baby.

I didn't holiday without my children until they were about ten, and even then it was just a weekend away- but that's because we've always had the sort of holidays where its easy to take children along and I wanted them to be part of it.

However, I did leave my 12 week old in childcare because in those days that's how long ML was - which I guess you also cannot understand because you personally can't get your head round Being apart from a young baby. Maybe the secret is to stop trying to get your head around it and live and let live. I have never come across a child' who is damaged by having stayed with grandparents or other loving relatives while the parents have a holiday. So until I do I'm quite content to not judge others decisions

YANBU. Its completely selfish imo. Yes parents need time to themselves-a night or a weekend away when the kids are a bit older is good for parents. But I dont understand posters who say they want to enjoy their holidays without dcs spoiling it. Surely you enjoyed those kinds of holidays before you had children? When you have dcs then holidays become for the family imo.

Tbh, it's not something I get. I'd never go on holiday without my children, but then for us, weekends are precious and I want to spend my time with my DC. Its the same with putting them in holiday clubs or shoving them off in a crèche for a few hours. It's not personally what I would do, but I wouldn't judge those that do.

And having said all that, my DC have been on holiday without me. Their grandparents take them away each year and the Dc love having their own time with their grandparents.

So no, it's not something I understand particularly because it's not my mindset - but it's not something I'd get all judgy over either.

What lyingwitch and ssd said.

Some posters would save a lot of energy if they simply posted "BAD MOTHER!!!!" then c&p'd it a few times.

They could then spend the time they've saved posting reams of judgemental nonsense gazing at their DCs.

Lyingwitch - I seem to have touched a nerve with you. I wonder why.

I am saying what I said as I have a reasonable academic understanding of child development and their needs for healthy attachment - not because I have plucked that thought out of the air.

Haven't read the whole thread but I see nothing wrong with not taking your children on holiday assuming of course that the DCs themselves get a holiday at some point.

But I wouldn't leave a baby particularly a newborn baby. I have just read an article about Danielle Lloyd who left her weeks old premature baby recently whilst she went on a girls clubbing holiday in Ibiza. I thought what the fuck?

How do u know this trip was not planned before baby was born? How do you know she will not fret every moment of the trip? Do you know if they will have a good time? Do you know why they are taking the trip?
No. You don't know the answers do you? If you were a real close friend you would have a chat with her to understand the scenario & find out how she is feeling about the trip.
This is a very complicated area and as women it is our duty not to judge other women so harshly & unfairly. There are enough people out there to do that. Leave it to this poor family's immediate family & friends.
Enough said.

flippinada

greenmonkies sorry, can you finish that sentence? If you can't wait a year or two to have a break... what? you're a bad mum? you shouldn't have kids? what?

Bollocks. I had a terrible pregnancy, 6 months of utter sleep deprivation, and I needed 3 days off. TO SLEEP. And feel a bit human again.

Do you really think that's so terrible? Because I can't imagine being so unempathetic to a fellow mum.

It depends on so many factors doesn't it: who is caring for the baby, the reason for going away, the length of the separation, the age of the baby, the temperament of the baby, the temperament of the parents (interesting that this is nearly always assumed to = mother, since many fathers have to leave their babies for a few days because of business travel, etc and everyone accepts that as perfectly normal).

In fact it depends on so many variable factors that I'd say it's impossible to know whether someone's motivations are reasonable or not, and since most parents (of both sexes) generally do love their children and want what's best for them, I'd say that most decisions to leave a baby are probably valid.

Speaking as someone who's had 1 night off in the last 5 years, I'd have ripped someone's arm off if they'd offered to have my DTs for a few nights when I was coping on less than 4 hours sleep in every 24 hours and never in more than 45-minute stretches. Better a 'bad' mother than a 'good-but-bordering-on-the-insane-because-of-sleep-deprivation' one.

a) I find this sort of judginess really pathetic.

b) You don't win parenting points for saying things like 'I could never ever leave my bayyyybeeee'/'We didn'y leave our precious bayyyybeeeez until they were 18' etc

c) You are ;probably gagging for a break ypurself and jealous. C'mon. Why else would you even bother getting so het up about what Other People Do.

i left my twins at 2 years old and my 5 yr old son for 2 weeks on Tunisia.

i didn't miss them either

What I really struggle to understand is why responsible grown adults devote so much energy wondering about the decisions made by other responsible grown adults.

Just madness.

I wouldn't leave a breastfeeding baby for that long - ours breastfed for over a year.

we did leave when I was pregnant with number 3 the 1 and 3 year old with their daily nanny grandparents and aunt for a week's holiday. I felt when we got back it had been a bit too long. It was a nice break but I didn't repeat it.

However as said above people differ. If the care is good there's no problem. I would most people on here think it was wrong I went back to full time work when my babies were 2 weeks old having used 2 weeks of my annual leave to give birth and working until I went into labour. However I was and remain content with those choices and the children have benefited so much from it.

Once I was back at work - three and half months - I was away for five nights at a time on average every four to six weeks. I was, I hasten to add, working, however no doubt I am selfish and ds will grow up to be feral (if he is not already) :)

:) screamingbohemian

Yes, tedious judginess aplenty on here.

Pinkpannetone... No, not really. Actually, Greenmonkies judginess just blew yours out of the water. She waits until her children really miss her until she leaves them... some mother, huh?

I saw on another thread this morning....Happy parents = happy kids... What a CROCK! On this board Happy parents = hoiked judgeypants and competitive one-upmanship... ad nauseum.

Yes, studies show that children react best to parents who are happy. If you go into them in terars because you have to go away for work and say how will we all cope and cry into your hanky they are going to be sad about it. If they are cared for and you minimise absences they tend to be fine. Perhaps the most important thing I learned in 27 years as a parent (and my youngest are now 13) is that children tend to mirror your mood and what I think our greatest achievement here at home is calm, peace, happiness, no trauma, acceptance, tolerance. I think you can engender that whether you work or don't.