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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand why people leave their babies to go on holiday

190 replies

poppygolucky · 21/10/2011 21:16

Ok flame me if I'm being judgey mcjudgey pants, but two of my friends have recently left their young babies to go on holiday abroad. In the case of one friend, her DD was just seven weeks old and she went away for 5 nights to Amsterdam.

I know it's none of my business and I wouldn't dream of saying anything in RL, but just wanted to know if other MNetters would find this a bit odd. I don't want to judge them but equally just can't comprehend leaving my baby at that age for that length of time.

I shall don my hard hat and await your replies :)

OP posts:
laptopwieldingharpy · 22/10/2011 01:18

7 weeks maybe a bit young. And I would have gone to a spa rather amsterdam.
I certainly would have have welcomed the opportunity of taking a break and to this day am very Envy at the thought of trusted family babysitting on call.

WitchesAreComing · 22/10/2011 01:19

Not around? Is that good, bad or joking?

It was really difficult for me when I was a lone parent to DD because there were TWO extra good guys therefore I had to be the bad one all the time. "No you can't have a Double Decker, Mars Bar, oversized packet of crisps AND a bag of popcorn just because Granddad has turned up with them on a Sunday evening just before bedtime - you are only two years old" Hmm

AnxiousElephant · 22/10/2011 01:24

Both dds aged 5 and 3 now went to DGPs for 10 days in summer and loved every minute (not for us to go on holiday, started a new job and childminder couldn't start) but we felt weird ........ probably would have been less weird if we had been away ourselves Hmm

AuntiePickleBottom · 22/10/2011 01:25

at 7 weeks i would 'trust' my husband to care for our baby.

even now there is only a handful of people who i would trust to care for my children who are 2 years old and 5 years old

FreudianSlipper · 22/10/2011 01:32

i was in a daze still at 7 weeks

my friend had a spare place to stay in a beautiful villa in the south of france for 5 days and invited me. looked fantastic but i declined, she took another friend and had a wonderful time, i am sure i woudl have enjoyed the first 3 days but after that i would have been a grump as i would be missing ds too much

we may go to rome for a long weekend that will be ok (i think)

MrsRetchingBloodAndGuts · 22/10/2011 01:38

You mean the poster up there ^^ Frankenstein? Grin

I have a 6 week old (stopped bleeding at 2 weeks so ok there Hmm ) I'm going for a night out next Friday for a friends bday and will leave her with my mum for the night but would miss her too much to leave her any longer (I doubt she'd miss me though!)

I do know a mother who left her 5 DAY old baby with her mum for 3/4 days so she could 'have a break'

..yes I judged.

Stupify64 · 22/10/2011 01:46

I don't think that they're referring to toddlers in most cases

kipperandtiger · 22/10/2011 01:51

If the baby is left with a DH /DP who is very good at caring for the baby, and has a close relative like her mum or his mum coming over to help and who are good with the baby, then actually it isn't as bad as it sounds. That said, Amsterdam seems mentally a long way away from home (although it could well be nearer than attempting to get back from Cornwall to the north!) if something were to happen, eg if baby were to get very unwell. Then again, some new mothers do have a really hard time dealing with little sleep and getting depressed or just really down with it all and a break for 5 days may be a good idea for the whole family! It really depends on whom is looking after the baby while she's gone.

But for me personally, doing that would be torture for me - not a holiday!

Charbon · 22/10/2011 01:52

I'd say good for them! It's great that they feel healthy enough to go away and as long as the babies are being cared for by people who love them, what's the problem?

It's not clear whether their partners are looking after their own children, or whether they are accompanying your friends. Would you judge the men for going away on their own, or with their partners, or is your problem just with mothers who leave their children?

If the men are looking after the babies, I'll guarantee that everyone will regard them as absolute heroes, commenting that they are so good to look after their own children. Bet no-one would say that to the women, if the situation were reversed......

callmemrs · 22/10/2011 06:55

I personally wouldn't want to do it, but that doesn't make it wrong. And while YANBU to not understand it, its a bit odd to feel the need to start a thread on it. If these are your friends, and you don't Wish to be judgemental, then why not just think 'horses for courses'? The fact you have started a thread suggests 'you want others to agree with you to validate your position.

As a bit of an aside, although I wouldnt have left my babies for a holiday, because id rather they came too, one thing this thread has highlighted is that there is a big variation in thinking and practice in how things are done, just depending on when you had your babies. For instance, I was happily leaving my 12 week old baby with a childminder because when she was born, it was routine to return to work then. It struck me because many posters have said things like, god, I couldn't leave them anywhere until they were at least a year, or I was still in my pjs all day by 7 weeks. Its a very recent development that women can have a year or even 6 months off work after giving birth, so I think that's bound to affect how people feel in a broader sense too. Believe me, if you'd had your babies 20 or so years ago and were returning to work, there would be no way you'd still be in your pjs at 7 weeks, you'd be up and about and getting used to expressing milk. And it wouldn't seem unnatural or a big deal because thats just what women did. So- bit of a long way of saying, don't judge, and people would do well to remember that the way 'you raise your baby is usually a reflection of the snapshot in time when you happened to give birth. Things have been done very differently in the past,no doubt they'll be done very differently in the future and the babies grow up into healthy well adjusted adults!

Thzumbazombiewitch · 22/10/2011 07:05

I couldn't have done it. I mean physically couldn't - I had no one to leave him with, he was still bf'ing, oh and at 7w he had a hernia op at St. George's hospital with overnight stay and I stayed in with him.

Even if I could have, I wouldn't have though. Had no issue leaving him for an hour or two at even the earliest age; but not overnight and certainly not for multiple nights! Have done so since of course: perforce when I was in hospital for 2 nights (without warning too) but he had DH; and a couple of times with MIL overnight at ours when we've had to stay out all night (2h drive home so haven't bothered). Still wouldn't go on holiday without him though (he's 3.10).

ssd · 22/10/2011 09:16

I couldnt leave mine that young, so op YANBU

this thread is all about leaving kids/babies but the big difference is having someone to leave them with that you trust and are happy about

we never had that choice so really I cant answer truthfully because its a situation that never arose for us

one thing I will say is that i had friends who left their babies/toddlers to go on holiday and i poo poo'ed them and tutted under my breath, but was secretly v. jealous as I didnt have the choice/money to even consider that option

now their kids are older, it did them no harm at all, they are nice pleasant kids, just like mine

so ladies if you are lucky enough to have healthy willing gp's/in laws/amazing friends/sisters who will let you have a few nights away with your other half, take them up on it and enjoy yourself, please dont become a martyr unless you are in our position and have no bloody choice

KCEHNR · 22/10/2011 09:26

YANBU - I secretly feel a tad ashamed for friends who have done this... & post photos of themselves chilling out without their bub on FB for instance.

lazylula · 22/10/2011 09:34

I have left mine for a night, but they are no kore than a 15 min car journey away. Ds1 is nearly 6, ds2 3 and dd nearly 6 months. I left dd with my mum at about 8 weeks for the night, that is the youngest I have left mine and was a one off. I wouldn't go on holiday without mine, but if someone wants to that is up to them. I am happy to wait until they are alot older to do the couples holiday thing again.

callmemrs · 22/10/2011 09:41

Good post ssd.

When your kids are older, you get some perspective on it all. All the work/stay at home/ nursery/ no nursery/ holiday without kids etc etc issues don't seem to be so 'make or break' when you see that these children who have experienced a whole variety of different things turn into happy and successful teens and adults.

People should be free to make their own decisions- the overwhelming majority of parents are loving and caring and act in their families best interests. They aren't out to abuse and mess up their kids!

I think the problem arises when people need validation of their own stance, and this often takes the form of wanting to see irrefutable 'evidence' that their way is best- eg 'if I don't leave my children to go on holiday/ use a nursery/ go out to work then my children are going to be happier/better adjusted/ cleverer/ closer to me than the children of other people who do things differently'. It's a strange kind of 'reasoning'. The fact is, it wont make your children 'better'. Do what works for you as a family. Just don't assume that you will get some sort of 'pay back'. All of us could probably do things a bit differently from the choices we've made and our children would probably turn out just the same.

wonkylegs · 22/10/2011 09:53

DS (3) goes a couple of times a year to spend a couple of days with PIL - not for us but for him & them , they have a whale of a time unfortunately we hardly ever seem to manage to arrange it so we can go away so more than often it's him having a holiday not us.
I did leave him with DH for a week aged 2 to go on an exhausting business trip, I was too busy to miss him too much
I don't think we left him before 7mths as he was still breastfed and it was too much of a faff

Birdsgottafly · 22/10/2011 09:59

I couldn't have left mine, but that was my choice.

What has saddened me by this thread is the perception that only females can look after babies. As in 'as long as DH had a mum/sister etc on hand'.

From a childs POV who was left regulary with GP's, i loved the relationship that i had with them and some of my best childhood memories are of the times spent with them. I grew up listening to stories of my nans and her friends childhood, some of whom were older, so ineffect a living history lesson.

My DF, as was many, was in the Merchant Navy and away for weeks, because of that you form relationships and friendships with others, but still have your parents, which does make you well rounded.

Original poster
poppygolucky · 22/10/2011 10:05

callmemrs For me, it wasn't actually about the baby, surprisingly! I have no doubt the 7 week old in question is loved, cared for and will not be somehow 'damaged' by this in later life.

I think it's more that I'd worry/miss them/be unable to relax. I don't doubt at some stage I will leave my DD with her very loving grandma who I know I'm fortunate to have. However, to be separated from her at such a young age to supposedly 'relax' abroad just seems alien to me.

OP posts:
ssd · 22/10/2011 10:05

thanks callmemrs

and its true, pay back never comes!

I'm still waiting for my kids to say "thanks for never leaving us with a childminder mum, thanks for working shit paid jobs so you could always be around for us, thanks for having one night away in 13 yrs and looking after us so well, we are so much better adjusted than so and so who went to nursery since he was a baby and was left regularly"

well guess what, they dont think that and never will!!

these kids who go into nursery from a young age, are left whilst parents go out and about when it suits them, and arent automatically the first thought a parent has in all situations-well they grow up into lovely, well adjusted kids who are nice in their own right!!

trust me its only taken me 13 years to see that, I hope others arent as slow as me!

chimchar · 22/10/2011 10:10

ssd...i agree with callme..good post.

i feel narky and judgy about people who leave their kids to go on holiday...sometimes i feel my judgyness is deserved (friend and her dh left their 3 kids, all under 6 with her mother to spend christmas and new year in sydney with friends) and yet generally it is bourne of jealousy because i don't have that support....

me and dh would love a night off from the kids, and yet in 11 years, it has happened once. not through our lack of trying!!

ragwort...your post has made me quite annoyed. you are assuming that those of us who have never left our children are precious about them and unwilling to. some are, yes, but others of us are just not lucky enough to have had people to leave them with for many reasons.

Tuppenyrice · 22/10/2011 10:19

I never used to think I could but now I've got 3 of the little treasures all under 7, I'd jump at the chance!! Wink

jesuswhatnext · 22/10/2011 10:36

i couldnt have done it at such a young age but my dd was 'easy' iyswim? - i, otoh, was a screamer and my dgm realised my parents were at their wits end by the time i was 3 months and took me for a week - m&d went to a caravan at dymchurch (this was nearly 50 years ago! Shock) and slept for most of the time! Grin im told i did not sleep through the night until i was five!

barnowl · 22/10/2011 10:39

I had to leave my 10month old ds2 to go on a residential course for a week and although I enjoyed the course I hated being away from him so long. It also took him quite a while to adjust when I got back he was really funny with me for a some time after it did seem to have a real impact on him so I would absoloutely not do it for that long through choice. The only time we have been away sans kids scince then was for 1 night to Paris to celebrate our 10th anniversary when dd1 was 8months old our older 2 slept at grannys the night before but we dropped dd of there at 6am on route to airport having given her her morning feed so as to leave her for as short a time as possible.

NinkyNonker · 22/10/2011 10:44

I'm such a blatant softie I think, for me it wasn't about whether dd would remember, but whether she was happy at the time, if that makes sense? If she wasn't happy I wouldn't have been. At 7 wks I don't think I was still bleeding, but was very anaemic, recovering from a reasonable pph and a quite badly done episiotomy...ouch!

We're pretty laid back with dd and have taken her most places in a sling...meals out, pub afternoons, days out, bbqs, parties etc so I guess that reduced the feeling of needing to break free.

GreenMonkies · 22/10/2011 10:47

Honestly? I think that if you ditch your children at the drop of a hat, especially that young, I start to wonder why you bothered having them in the first place.

I didn't leave mine until the youngest was 4. They are only little for a few years, and if you can't give up your "single-child-free" lifestyle for that long then perhaps you weren't ready to have children.

It's not acceptable to dump your kids, especially babies. Yes. I judge. Hmm