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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand why people leave their babies to go on holiday

190 replies

poppygolucky · 21/10/2011 21:16

Ok flame me if I'm being judgey mcjudgey pants, but two of my friends have recently left their young babies to go on holiday abroad. In the case of one friend, her DD was just seven weeks old and she went away for 5 nights to Amsterdam.

I know it's none of my business and I wouldn't dream of saying anything in RL, but just wanted to know if other MNetters would find this a bit odd. I don't want to judge them but equally just can't comprehend leaving my baby at that age for that length of time.

I shall don my hard hat and await your replies :)

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 22/10/2011 10:47

And DH is every bit the parent I am, I don't feel I am leaving her if she is with him if that makes sense.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 22/10/2011 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loserface · 22/10/2011 11:00

We have left our DS once to go on holiday alone together, DS was 14 months old. We'd never had a holiday together and had been through a fairly rough patch, the holiday was just what we needed. We both love DS very much but sometimes, in certain circumstances, you just need some time alone to be you.

Every couple of months MIL will take DS off our hands for a couple of nights to give us some time as a couple, I dont think this makes us bad parents or unloving towards DS. In fact it makes us a closer family unit IMO, every couple needs time to be a couple and not mummy or daddy for a little bit.

I can see why you were a bit judgey pants about leaving a 7 week old though, that is rather young. Each to their own though

longjane · 22/10/2011 11:04

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0124y50/Kennedy_Home_Movies/

this is story of kennedy children told not by their parents but their nannies

It real did make me think

screamingbohemian · 22/10/2011 11:06

callmemrs great posts

I went away when DS was six months so I could sleep. I was about to drop from exhaustion as he was a terrible sleeper. My parents were happy to stay with him for a few days, DH and I got a much needed break, and DS had a great time with his grandparents.

Why on earth would anyone judge me for that? Yes, I missed him, but I was at the physical limits of how much I could care for him at that point.

To say you shouldn't have children if you're willing to leave them is such bollocks. We will have years and years of glorious time together, 3 days when he's 6 months old doesn't matter at all.

One of my friends was really judgy to me about it. Meanwhile her DH works so much that he only sees his DC for 15 minutes a day during the week, I don't really see why that should be normal but a mum going away for 3 days is the end of the world.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2011 11:10

I think a baby that young really wouldn't care where it was as long as it was full, clean and warm, just as Grumplestiltskin says. Some women kid themselves that it's about the baby bonding/missing them but it's not - it's about them missing their baby. I don't know why they can't just say that instead of trying to jibe away at other women. Baffles me, in fact.

Is there evidence to suggest that a baby at 'x' weeks can't be without its parent or even has a preference? I certainly don't remember my life circumstances before 1 year old at least.

Your post is judgey, OP, as you meant it to be. Maybe read more and get a better understanding of the differences that we all have as that's what you're asking AIBU? about.

Charbon · 22/10/2011 11:14

I'd like to know how much of this is to do with not wanted to be judged as a 'bad mother' because I just don't think men get judged in the same way. Yet by posting threads like these that seek to reinforce those judgements, it perpetuates the problem of women not seeking a break when they need it and it means that a lot of the blatant sexism goes unchallenged. I also think a lot of these posts reinforce the view that motherhood is some sort of sacred thing and that men especially can't be expected to look after children as well as a woman.

screamingbohemian · 22/10/2011 11:26

lying and charbon I totally agree.

BrandyAlexander · 22/10/2011 11:32

Each to their own. I have a slightly different take on this. Not everyone is still in their pjs at 7 weeks and people recover at the same rate as our birth wonds are all different. Eg we all went away for 2 weeks when dc2 was 3 months but some might have said they werent ready for such a trip at that stage, others would have gone earlier.

I returned to work when dc1 was 4 months old and did my first business trip abroad when she was 9 months (I was breastfeeding still so challenging in many ways). When she was 15 months I went away on business for a week. Not long after dh and I had one night away at a wedding, and then another night in Paris when dc1 was 18 months old. Each of my business trips, she was left in the care of dh and her nanny. Skyped her every day and she was very happy. When dh and I went away, she was left in the care of her nanny for that night, and again, was very happy. For dd, it is normal for both mummy and daddy to go away on business. No one questions how dh can possibly leave her for a week so I wouldn't expect anyone to question me either.

I have just returned to work after dc2 and have managed to avoid 3 trips so far. I am however doing 2 nights away next month (dc2 will be 6 months). We had an OMG moment last night when I told dh that I am going away for one night in 2 weeks time, told him where. Dh said "Ah, I am going there too". Turns out we're booked on the same flights. Brief thought of a naughty night away from the kids and then common sense prevailed. We trust our nanny and very happy to leave baby overnight with one another, but would rather wait until he's a year before leaving him with our nanny so (lovely!) dh has offered to reschedule his trip because his is flexible and mine was more important. Some folks might still have both chosen to go away and leave a 6 month old and 2 year old with the nanny for the night, that would make us uncomfortable but doesn't mean that I would judge them. I think we each have to do what makes us and our kids happy and comfortable.

NinkyNonker · 22/10/2011 11:37

Oh it was all about me/us, I would have missed her...and the (to me, certainty) that she would be on some level missing us would have tainted time away. But we went and did what we wanted anyway, just with her. I don't really care what others do, very few people do things purposely to hurt their children and most want the best for them...so why would I want to judge that?

I was surprised at my friend as I said earlier, as he works away 90% of the time and talks of how much he misses his 10 month old, how sometimes he doesn't want to be held by him etc and yet when they are invited on a family holiday his instinct was not to take him. But again, everyone is different. We enjoy doing things as a family and involving dd in our life, they obviously like to keep things a bit separate at times. C'est la vie.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2011 11:41

OP wants to judge, NinkyNonker, and she'd like some 'chums' to join in.

It really does bother me, this penchant some mothers have for wanting to make other mothers feel as if they've done less somehow. Morons.

NinkyNonker · 22/10/2011 11:43

Ahhhh, I'm not a very chummy person!

Charbon · 22/10/2011 11:47

I agree. It's so self-defeating when women do this, because as long as other women tutt about eachother's choices, fewer women will get to do what they want and need.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2011 11:48

Me neither; I hate this kind of thing so much. We all have our different views on things. Sometimes we'll agree and feel a connection with somebody here - or not - but there's something nasty and cowardly, almost, about threads like this that are dressed up as one thing when they're really something else.

It's really true, there's nobody who can hurt a woman as much as another one (or twenty) can.

screamingbohemian · 22/10/2011 11:49

Ninky maybe he was intimidated about traveling with a baby? It does sound really difficult until the first time you do it.

We were invited to a wedding when DS was 3 months old, we could have brought him and had a lovely time, but we were so exhausted and it just sounded so daunting traveling with a baby. (Of course we got judged for that too.)

callmemrs · 22/10/2011 11:52

In response to greenmonkies post, saying she doesn't understand why people have children if they are going to leave them while they go on holiday.... Perhaps those couples had children to nurture them, love them and raise them? Probably the same reason you had yours. And theres every chance those children will grow up to be happy, confident people- just as your children no doubt will. Now, obviously that will seriously piss you off, because you'd LIKE there to be some measurable difference, so you can congratulate yourself on your decision not to holiday without your kids. Much in the same way that some judgemental non working mothers harbour a secret wish for working mums' children to turn out less confident and happy.
Sorry to disappoint you- but other parents are allowed to do things differently and their children will be fine too!

screamingbohemian · 22/10/2011 11:54

This last page of posts really makes me want a LIKE button Smile

Conundrumish · 22/10/2011 11:59

Don't new babies need their mums specifically for their psychological well-being? They don't even know they exist as a separate entity at that age. I certainly wouldn't be doing it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2011 12:02

Good for you, pinkpanettone... but that's about the mum and HER need to connect with the baby, there's definite evidence for that. Babies have physiological needs - eat, sleep and poo... rinse and repeat.

Charbon · 22/10/2011 12:05

No, there's no evidence to support that. There is however plenty of evidence that as long as the care-giver is loving and nurturing, babies will be fine, whoever they are with. That doesn't have to be the person who's given birth to them.

Conundrumish · 22/10/2011 12:07

Have read last few threads now. Surely it's not just about judging other parents, is it? Most of us would judge a mother who couldn't be bothered to give up smoking, so is it not OK to be just a teeny bit judgy about a parents doing something that could cause a negative reaction in their child.

vividgingerchilli · 22/10/2011 12:11

I can't understand how people can do this, but each to their own. I personally would never do it, for me it is not on. Likewise, when people go on holiday and put their children in the holiday clubs.

BrandyAlexander · 22/10/2011 12:12

Oh do me a favour! Anything could cause a negative reaction, including never separating from them. Unless you have a signed certificate somewhere to say your parenting way is the only way to raise the perfect child? If so, do please expand as am all ears?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2011 12:19

pinkpanettone... I personally think that very judgey people would do better to not have children at all. It's better for the child and better for everybody else in society. I mean, it's one thing to be anonymous on a chatboard to judgemental clap-trap but a child who learns this from their mother is going to suffer at school. I understand it's a terrible affliction that can seemingly never be recovered from...

GalaxyWeaver · 22/10/2011 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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