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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

713 replies

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:25

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub? Confused

OP posts:
Hassled · 20/10/2011 20:50

Another FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T GO WHAT ARE YOU THINKING WOMAN vote here. Just don't. Enough of the "after the hen I'll draw a line" bollocks - the line needs to be drawn now.

KittyFane · 20/10/2011 20:52

imperial No, I don't think many people would go and I bloody well wouldn't.
I was just saying that OP has been put in a horrible position.
She sounds like a nice person.

duvetdayplease · 20/10/2011 20:53

Hi, sorry as i can sense its not what you want to hear but you should not go. I would not pay for the do, I'd pull out. But even if you do pay out of a sense of duty - YOU STILL SHOULD NOT GO.

Why on earth would you go? If you can't bear to not pay, at least text and say 'sorry can't make it' and just go somewhere with real friends or your partner or something instead.

Triphid · 20/10/2011 20:55

I want to chuck tomatoes at the bride.

She's
not

a

nice
person

Blackduck · 20/10/2011 20:56

Another do not go. Plead poverty/illness/indifference. This is not a 30 pound curry on a Friday night, it's 200 pound from someone prepared to have your dh take photos (was she going to pay?) but hasn't invited you to the wedding. Personally I wouldn't give a stuff - let her pay your share...

HestonMoomintroll · 20/10/2011 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 20/10/2011 21:02

For god's sake, do we have to resort to calling the bride a 'bitch'?? Get a grip.

twooter · 20/10/2011 21:04

Have you checked yet that you're not invited? invitations do go missing, or the bride may have assumed you'll be there anyway if your dh was going to do the photography. I don't think you have anything to lose by speaking to the bride.

Putrifyno · 20/10/2011 21:04

Popcorn, but I am lovely and highly unjudgey when it comes to NON piss takers. Wink

Oakmaiden · 20/10/2011 21:13

I do wonder if the bride thinks she has invited you AND thinks you are definitely coming (since you are coming to the hen do, had promised to keep the date of the wedding free (admittedly for the photos) and haven't said you won't be at the wedding). It is very awkward though, to check....

Also not going to the hen night at this stage would be a bit awkward. I am thinking particularly of the other woman who you know who is going, and who will be alone if you don't go too. I think I would be inclined to just go along and have a good time with her.... Or to both not go.

I think you should find some way of asking if you were meant to be invited to the wedding though.

corriefan · 20/10/2011 21:15

I can't believe you were originally invited for free photography which is a huge ask, and then when this wasn't needed you were uninvited! shows how they regard you both- free labour and money and not close enough friends to come without the benefits.

You do not owe this woman anything and she sounds like she'd make a huge fuss and drama if you did pull out, maybe that's stopping you, don't let it, unless of course you actually do think you might have a good time.

TartyMcFarty · 20/10/2011 21:16

Someone mentioned that the organiser has probably not paid yet, if you haven't been asked for the money.

Have you considered that the reason they don't want you to cancel at this point is because it will bump up the cost for the rest (attendees)? In which case you'll be subsidising the humiliation by hen night fun and games?

Send the email and copy it to the bride for good measure. Better still, phone the bride yourself and tell her that she'll have to find the shortfall herself.

HestonMoomintroll · 20/10/2011 21:18

Sorry, bitch was uncalled for. I stand by and nasty grasping however.

HestonMoomintroll · 20/10/2011 21:19

? Nasty and grasping!

Secrecy · 20/10/2011 21:20

Am Shock by the bride asking for a present when she hasn't invited you to the wedding. Just Shock

Understand that you want to go anyway. But no more! Stop there!

Ifartrainbows · 20/10/2011 21:22

I am cringeing - do not go ! She only invited you to get the free photos and now she doesnt want/need you to go ! Dont go feign illness- DO NOT GO!

abbierhodes · 20/10/2011 21:22

I have to agree with everyone, OP, that you shouldn't go. If you really, really feel you must pay, then pay, but spare yourself the humiliation of going.

I had a similar situation with a work colleague a while ago, I was the only one who'd have been going to the hen but not invited to the wedding. I didn't go, I just couldn't bear it. The worst bit was when a member of agency staff who'd known the bride for a matter of weeks was invited last minute to the evening do 'because everyone else is coming'...I'd known her for 5 years. I get on well with her, there's no bad history, she was, and still is, perfectly pleasant to me. I've still no idea why I was snubbed. And tbh, it still hurts at times.

ColdSancerre · 20/10/2011 21:24

Please don't go, you seem far too nice to have to put up with someone like that and waste £200 on her. Have a nice night out with someone you care about and who cares about you with the money.

CitizenOscar · 20/10/2011 21:26

If the organiser would be out of pocket & the hen activity was something I wanted to do, I would go. If the activity wasn't something I wanted to do, I wouldn't go. If I still had to pay then at least I wouldn't put myself through the humiliation.*

NO PRESENT.

FWIW I had to tell DH he couldn't invite people to his stag do that he wasn't inviting to the wedding. He didn't believe me at first. So it's possible she has just been thoughtless.

  • I am aware that I can be a bit too worried about "making a fuss" but want OP to know she isn't alone! Smile
Fixture · 20/10/2011 21:34

That's true. She might just be oblivious to the usual expectations and will have no idea you're upset unless you tell her.

"it's possible she has just been thoughtless"

WestYorkshirePudding · 20/10/2011 21:34

I'm sorry but apart from the other uninvited "friend" you don't know any of the people going on the hen weekend! Why would you want to go? Confused

And I'm someone who loves a girls weekend away!!!

thefurryone · 20/10/2011 21:48

If you really aren't invited to the wedding then you should definitely pull out of the hen do. However, the bit about your DH doing the photography makes me wonder whether the bride is actually under the impression that you are invited and have accepted, hence why you weren't on the need to RSVP list.

I don't know how you'd broach this with her though as I'm socially inept Blush

HavePatience · 20/10/2011 21:52

Wow. Are you sure you aren't invited? Maybe she assumes you are coming because she asked you about the photography? It's just really unkind to blab on about a wedding to a friend who isn't invited but previously was but only for a favour... Confused

Blueberties · 20/10/2011 21:53

For Pete's sake don't go. What's the point. The bride is not going to be embarrassed when people ask what you're wearing. She won't give a hoot.

HavePatience · 20/10/2011 21:53

X post with furry. That's what I was thinking.