to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

[IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove]

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub?

[IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove]

It's too late now to send the email I think and I don't want to embarrass the woman who's organising the hen as she's been chatting a lot about what she's wearing.

At the do, I'll mention that the two of us aren't invited (what we're going to wear is bound to be asked!) and see what the bride-to-be says.

Aaagh, I don't want to embarrass anyone. I wish I'd just declined the hen invitation now.

[bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe]

Can I just say I ADORE your username, op.

[ShroudOfHamsters]

Yes, making up the numbers sounds about right.

I'd say sod it - her problem. If she makes a fuss, say innocently that you don't feel it appropriate to attend hen parties unless you're invited to the wedding itself, and that you agreed to the booking on that basis. Just say it - no more than that is needed - hows' she going to come back at you from that?

[thefirstmrsrochester]

Outrageous cheek to want you to celebrate with her at the hen do but not invite you to the actual wedding. Not even the evening do? And to ask for cash as a wedding gift from you?
Your 'good' friend is brazen, entitled, and rude.
Do not go to the hen do and don't give her a gift.

[oldraver]

I think you need to ask her outright, as she seems to have no qualms about talking about the wedding you have presumed (quite rightly) you are not invited to. This is really just not on.

Next time she waffles on about the wedding I would just tell her it is bad form/pity you wont be there hurtful to you that she is basically rubbing your nose in it. Self absorbed ?

[mycatoscar]

no you dont have to go along with anything at all

just say sorry I am not coming to the hen party and I am not giving you money for your honeymoon.

What have you got to lose? She doesnt sound like a friend to me and she's already majorly snubbed you by excluding you from the wedding so what's the worst that could happen?

My SIL invited one of my friends along to the hen night (to keep me company really, I dont know her friends too well) and she immediatly invited them to the evening reception too and told them not to buy a wedding gift as well when they asked. You simply dont invite poeple to the hen and ask for gifts and then exclude them from the wedding - unless there is a very very good reason (like getting married abroad or a long way a way or if its a very very intimate wedding)

[whackamole]

Cheeky mare!

So basically she ups the invites to an expensive hen do so she has more people she can ask for a gift?

Definitely a snub. I wouldn't go. I would probably grudgingly send a card but damn well not a present.

[SquelchyBodyParts]

Huh? You mean she wants a gift of cash for her honeymoon at her hen do? But has not invited you to her wedding?
Well I've heard it all now.
DO NOT GO!

[LemonPeel]

You can still decline the invite. Say something expensive has come up and you just don't have the funds.

[Fixture]

IMO it's not the done thing to

• invite someone to the hen do but not the wedding
  
• requst gifts from anyone who hasn't asked for a list
  
• request a gift from someone who's not invited to the wedding
  
• request money as a gift
  
• discuss a social event in front of others who are not invited

[storminabuttercup]

I'm surprised also that she keeps discussing it with you if you aren't invited! She sounds like a right cow! I would tell her I wasn't going! If you mention it on the hen-do you may get an awkward invite and then you will feel worse!

[IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove]

If I don't go, I must pay because I agreed to do so with the woman organising it. I think she's paid for it and I certainly don't want to leave her out of pocket.

Yes, I have been a doormat. I suppose I was presuming that at some point the bride-to-be would realise that we haven't been invited and say it was a mistake. She isn't going to do that though. Just this morning we met for a brew and she was talking non-stop about the wedding and who's staying in which hotel.

Because she's being so blatent, I was confused as to whether this is a snub or normal behaviour!

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe, it's something I remember my mother shouting at me when I was trying to convince that I was old enough to go into town without her to meet my mates.

[ShroudOfHamsters]

'Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't. I always think that hens are for close friends, certainly not people not even invited to the wedding! I wouldn't want to dilute the day for you, Henzilla darling.'

[Bunbaker]

I don't understand why you feel beholden to this woman to go to her hen do. Just email or text her and tell her you can't go. Don't make up any excuses or explanations.

[ShroudOfHamsters]

See your problem OP. How about getting in touch with the venue (spa?) and asking if they'll refund?

[OriginalGhoster]

Why would you want to spend time with this person? She sounds completely toxic.

Has she ever done anything nice for you OP? I certainly wouldn't go to a hen if I wasn't going to the wedding. That's just plain bizarre, surely [hconfused]

[OriginalGhoster]

Maybe you're a bridesmaid and she's forgotten to tell you?

[5Foot5]

Well in the past I have been to a couple of hen does when I wasn't invited to the actual wedding. Usually when it was someone from work who wanted a night out with the girls. In neither case did I expect an invitation to the wedding. However, they certainly weren't £200 does. Generally a Chinese meal and a few drinks.

Expecting you to but a wedding present though is very very cheeky

[mycatoscar]

I can see why you feel you have to go now, as it's not the bride to be who will be out of pocket but the lady kindly organising it.

But, fgs dont give her any money towards the honeymoon, just a card and wish her good luck for the day, if she dares to comment on the lack of present you just say "oh I assumed that request was for people invited to the wedding itself?!?!"

[LucyGoose]

Sorry, there is still time to back out....if its in a few weeks, you have time for them to find another er, "friend" to attend.
And what exactly has the woman organizing it paid for?

This happened to my husband. He was invited to a bachelor party and then we didn't get an invite to the wedding. And another couple who didn't go to the bachelor party got a last minute invite!

[Chandon]

it is a snub.

And I would not go to the hen do.

Unless you think it would be the best fun you could have for 200!

I don't get people like this.

[IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove]

It's not a spa and I can't mention it in case it outs me. It's a bit unusual. Someone dropped out last week and the woman organising was very sorry but she had to still pay because the venue wouldn't budge.

My own fault, I should have asked where my invitation was, and then said straight away that I wouldn't go to the hen, rather than sitting her twiddling my thumbs wondering what was going on.

Won't be making this mistake again!

[mycatoscar]

and why didnt you say something this morning when you met her????

[zipzap]

Are you good friends with any if the other people going to the hen do?

Could any of them be primed to ask either what you're wearing so that you can reply on email that you won't be wearing anything as you haven't been invited or to bring it up at the hen do if you decide to go?

And I would send a card for their wedding but no present if you ae not invited. Or maybe send £5 or 50p a very small token amount so she knows that you haven't forgotten to give her something.

I hope that they are not expecting you to contribute towards the brides costs for the hen do!

And I would also work out a nice line to use if you get wedding present demands reminders again along the lines of 'oh sorry I thought that those were just for the wedding guests not to everybody in general'

As an aside have you seen the thread where somebody put a request for cash as wedding presents from everybody on their Facebook list not even their wedding / hen party list!!! Needless to say that op was one of the recipients rather than the poster of the demand. Sorry on phone so can't post a link to it.