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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

713 replies

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:25

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub? Confused

OP posts:
LucyGoose · 20/10/2011 22:02

OP - I also want to know why you enjoy being taken advantage of?? You need to stick up for yourself woman!! How ridiculous are you going to feel on that hen night when all they will be talking about is wedding stuff and you know you aren't going??

It seems you work with this person, but that is not a friend you want in your life, you already said so!

saladsandwich · 20/10/2011 22:03

i haven't read all the posts - i personally would ring up the one whose organized the hen do and tell her exactly why you aren't going, she as been taken for a mug by spending out a fortune for this hen do don't do the same

bottlebank · 20/10/2011 22:14

I think that the bride will look rude rather than the OP looking a mug.

She's paid the money. I know how these things go and have indeed been to a £200-a-person hen do (I actually ended up dropping out but paid anyway).

There's not a rule that hen do invitees have to be invited to the wedding or anything and dropping out and saying why will make the OP look like a flouncer. "Why didn't she say anything sooner", they will say.

I think the OP should go, if she can't get her money back.

I think she should be completely open about not being invited. She can do big-eyed "well, when I agreed to come of course I thought I'd been invited to the wedding... but, I guess I'm not. But this is about bride, not about the wedding, and I didn't want to be a drama queen"

The other invitees will think less of the BRIDE, not the OP. And if there's then some sort of "oh no of course you are invited" mess then it'll get sorted out.

The fact that another hen do-er isn't invited to the wedding makes me think it's not a crossed wires thing though.

FWIW I have been invited to a hen do but not the wedding. I didn't go but I didn't like the bride much and the hen do was one of those virgin vie makeover things and we were basically invited so we'd buy stuff for the bride. I think the money already spent means the OP should try to get something out of this, even if it's just a sense of being atop that moral high ground.

Ivegotabrokenphone · 20/10/2011 22:23

I would go to the hen night and insist that your dp did the photography on the big day, I would then make sure he lopped off the brides head on all the pictures.

In reality, I just would not go, let the other lady know your plans so it gives her the option to back out as well, the remaining 10 or however many would then have to swallow the extra cost.

Angelico · 20/10/2011 22:26

This sounds really bizarre! Whatever you do don't get the lunatic a present, unless it's something really horrible, like a lime green plastic photo frame for the wedding photos! Grin

CannibalBitsArrrgh · 20/10/2011 22:30

Jaysus! I was only having a little lurk when I saw this thread and felt compelled to log in and say my piece.

OP you are neither legally or morally bound to attend this hen night, you might feel bad that the onus of the £200 'fee' will lie with someone else but when all is said and done, the person organising the hen night is probably well aware that you are not invited to the wedding and is equally as guilty as the bride of being a prize arse and taking advantage of your better nature

Keep your £200 and tell her to fuck the fuck off but have a lovely wedding day Grin

Actually if you would like to give me her email I will gladly do it for you

AWimbaWay · 20/10/2011 22:42

I'm quite surprised how many people think it's odd to be invited to one and not the other.

If you think you won't enjoy yourself and therefore don't want to go don't, if you think you might have a fun weekend then go!

I really don't think it's necessarily a snub, but then only you know your relationship with the bride. As I mentioned earlier I've been to hen nights of friends but not their wedding. It was people I like and tend to socialise with in groups but wouldn't really meet up with on my own. Even hired halls have number restrictions and it can be a stressful nightmare trying to keep numbers down. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you, just that she has family and friends she is closer or feels more obliged to.

I do think the photography and present points are bad though and I can see why that might be swaying everyone's opinions as it doesn't paint her in a good light.

NorfolkBroad · 20/10/2011 22:43

OP, i really hope you don't go. I actually think asking people to shell out £200 for a hen night/weekend/extravaganza is too much even if they are invited to the wedding!

Original poster
IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 22:49

GULP! I emailed the organiser and said that it looks as though I won't be able to come and that I was very sorry. I said that I'm not invited to the wedding/reception and so I presume that bride-to-be won't be disappointed at me not attending. Lots of apologies etc.

I'll do similar email to my 'friend' now.

Thanks all. I have been a doormat, but no more! ROAR!

I'll let you know if I receive responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 22:50

BTW, I agree with those who think that £200 is too much to spend on a hen/stag do, even if you have plenty of dosh. I don't like the idea of expecting friends to pay a lot of money to celebrate something happening to me, particularly when there may be wedding outfits, travel, hotels, drinks etc and gifts on top.

OP posts:
catsareevil · 20/10/2011 22:51

Well done Smile

natashakaplinkyplop · 20/10/2011 22:53

Well done op

Ivegotabrokenphone · 20/10/2011 22:55

Yeah, really glad, If I had a cap/hat, not sure,which I would doth it to you.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 22:56
Oggy · 20/10/2011 22:59

Oh wow. Just read whole thread start to finish thinkg FFS don't go and then find you've just emailed - YAY!

If it wasn't for the other friend not going to the wedding I would think that the friend was just assuming you were going but the other friend being in the same position makes this seem unlikley to me.

senua · 20/10/2011 23:00

Nice bit of passive/aggressive there.Smile

ColdSancerre · 20/10/2011 23:00

Well done

Original poster
IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 23:01

I've text the other friend to say that I'm not going because I think we're being snubbed. I hope I'm not dropping her in it by not going and leaving her with a lot strangers talking about the wedding. Perhaps she'll also make her excuses now.

Thanks again for giving me a much-needed push!

OP posts:
hester · 20/10/2011 23:04

Go OP.

DitaVonCheese · 20/10/2011 23:05

I'm another one wondering if she's assumed you're coming but guess we'll find out now Grin

Also intrigued as to how she asked you for money for her honeymoon if you're not invited Confused

Incidentally, I have been to the hen night of someone whose wedding I wasn't invited to, with at least one other in the same boat. I (and the other girl) did think it was a bit odd but wasn't particularly put out by it - was a fun night out and was nice to be included (was better friends with the rest of the hens than the bride if that makes sense) - might have felt differently had it been £200 though.

Also a friend of mine had two complete strangers for part of her hen (which I co-organised) Confused - we needed to make up numbers (for pole dancing Blush) and one of the other bridesmaids said she had a couple of friends who wanted to try it, so they just came along for that bit. Tbh I thought that was really odd but didn't want to argue with the other bm, meant we could do the activity and cut the costs for everyone a bit

whojimmyflip · 20/10/2011 23:05

Hurrah!!

caramelwaffle · 20/10/2011 23:06

Well done.

DitaVonCheese · 20/10/2011 23:06

'k I need to know whether everyone involved is likely to read messages and respond tonight, meaning I have to sit here hitting F5, or if I can safely go to bed now Wink

OpheliaBumps · 20/10/2011 23:10

Well done, read the whole thread going 'noooooo'! So pleased you found the courage to say no.

pigletmania · 20/10/2011 23:10

Well done, thats fantastic. She sounds very rude and grabby tbh. Only people she invites to the wedding should be given a gift list/request. I would not feel comfortable with the whole situation tbh.

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