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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

713 replies

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:25

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub? Confused

OP posts:
Blueberties · 23/10/2011 20:45

I agree with verlaine: head held high, you are the winner here.

Wrt your friend, I think it will all be smoothed over when she has withdrawn successfully too - she's obviously rather worried about that still, and will eventually be grateful that you have led the way.

I think, my view is, that she's slightly miffed because you had the gumption to go it alone and she didn't, even though she was the worse treated party. But I think it will be ok in the end.

I don't feel the "how can you not pay" brigade were annoying or morally wrong. They were nice, and decent and pretty idealistic really which is not a bad thing. It's almost a shame there are such horrible people in the world to disabuse us of our misconceptions but I hope the nice optimistic ones will not suddenly turn into cynical people who don't trust anyone. We need people with standards in this scuzzy old world sometimes!

JajasWjolef · 23/10/2011 20:46

Well done Tights!!

I think you are right not to forward this on to anybody connected to the wedding as you would feel crap afterwards even though it must be tempting to let them know how HO and BZ have treated you.

Hold your head up and know that you are most definitely up there quite deservedly on the moral high ground [hsmile].

JajasWjolef · 23/10/2011 20:48

oops cross posts with Blueberties on holding head high [hgrin]!

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 23/10/2011 20:48

The best thing about checking out the deposit situation, is that Bridezilla and HO are now not going to be able to bad-mouth say much about this to other people.

All they'll really be able to say is that you pulled out and that's it. They can't say anything about the deposit, as it would mean admitting they tried to swindle you out of £80.

Blueberties · 23/10/2011 20:50

great minds jajas Grin no need to descend to the awful depths of these people though the impulse is great, the will must be greater !

KittyFane · 23/10/2011 21:08

Good for you tights, you've done the right thing! :o

MrsDreadfullyMorbidMausoleum · 23/10/2011 21:39

Well done Tights, this was an excellent piece of mumsnet ball growing.

The power of a nest of vipers should not be underestimated. [hgrin]

To namechange (although I luff your name) go to the Top blue bar and click on MyMumsnet.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 23/10/2011 21:44

Well your other friend has the perfect line now. As the only person going who is not invited to the wedding, it is completely inappropriate for her to attend. She can explain she didn't ever feel particularly comfortable about the situation, but i is now impossible.

Point out the the bride that, trust or not, you were right to check as you would have been £80 worse off if you hadn't.

Oh and if there's someone who pulled out but paid their £160 non-refundable "deposit" I personally think you have a moral obligation to tell her. It's fraud.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 23/10/2011 21:46

think of the HO as the dodgy boiler repair man who fleeces elderly ladies out of their pensions. Or the companies that come to "fix the roof"

PoopyFingers · 23/10/2011 21:50

Tights - did another person back out and lose their deposit? Sorry, I've read whole thread but missed that bit.

That really is a concern...

ScarahStratton · 23/10/2011 21:51

I agree with Stealth, there is a moral obligation to let the girl who paid know that.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 23/10/2011 21:53

In fact could there even be an argument that the OP knows a crime has been committed and is doingm nothing about it? in which case there's a legal obligation too...or is that too hysterical?
I have only read soemone else say that, assume the OP mentioned it but could be wrong

zipzap · 23/10/2011 22:58

OP I've just realised I've got a bit confused - was it your friend that tried to drop out and got told she had to pay the lot initially or was it somebody else?

I've been thinking that it was your mutual friend that tried to back out but was told she had to fork up the whole amount so decided not to drop out. And she is now angry at you because you didn't tell her before deciding to tell the HO that you were dropping out and effectively leaving her there only knowing the bride.

If this isn't the case then I've got in a hopeless muddle about this bit somewhere along the line in which case ignore this next bit.

However - If this is the case - then did the friend tell you before she tried to back out of it? Which - if she had been brave enough to follow it through like you have and discovered that no deposits had been paid etc - would have meant that you would have ended up at the hen do only knowing the bride instead.

And isn't that a little bit like the pot calling the kettle black?

All she did is what you were planning on doing originally - which was to believe the HO and bridezilla. She didn't have the hordes of MNetters cheering her on to practise assertive skills - she was just being nice and decent and assuming that the bridezilla and HO were treating her decently. But if she did try -and fail - to drop out of the wedding, it sounds like she didn't tell you before she did it, so why should she expect you to do it? It sounds like you have told her pretty quickly about what you were doing and providing update reports so she could see the way things developed...

zipzap · 23/10/2011 23:02

Oh and if your friend hasn't dropped out yet, you could let her know via the email list for this that you've checked with the venue and the deposit isn't yet paid and there is no comeback for dropping out so if she doesn't want to go with lots of strange unknown people and the nasty bridezilla it's not too late to do so.

Having checked with your friend that she is happy for you to do this and that she has already told the HO that she is dropping out. And making the email seem really nice so it's just another way of sharing info and signing off from the group of strangers list but also letting them know a little of what's been going on.

Not sure I'd be able to do this though!

CalamityKate · 24/10/2011 00:47

Tights I really think you've apologised enough times to your friend. How many times is it now?

Beckyboo4 · 24/10/2011 07:45

I especially like the bit where the HO feels like you don't trust her after she was caught trying to fleece £80 out of you - Of course she's upset she just lost £80 to spend on herself/wine /her deposit for the hen party

Teetik · 24/10/2011 09:41

Great resolution. Whatever they were up to - it needn't have been deeply nefarious, they could have been covering their arses financially because they've got it into their heads that everyone's paying a deposit and they can't be mentally flexible about it, lots of people are like that.

The main thing is that it isn't your responsibility! Not one thing here has been your responsibility. I'm forever being gobsmacked by the number of people who expect total loyalty and (basically) deference from their "friends" yet treat them like shit on their shoe. And then abuse them when they work it out!

Faffalina · 24/10/2011 09:43

Def wouldn't give a wedding present if not invited to the wedding. It's cheeky to expect that!

nickelbabe · 24/10/2011 10:19

glad it's resovled (after a fashion)

I'm not surprised the Bride-to-be is fuming - she's been well and truly slapped with a kipper.

PoopyFingers · 24/10/2011 10:52

I'm still concerned that some poor thing has actually coughed up been conned out of £160 and will not get it back. That is just horrible. Sad

PoopyFingers · 24/10/2011 10:54

Tights - please make sure and remember you still have to give her an huge wad of cash expensive gift for her Big Day Grin

Bluesue26 · 24/10/2011 11:17

Fantastic thread! Well done OP and pat on the backs for the good advice from mnetters. Sometimes these threads can get a bit too judgemental and bitchy for me but this was fab. All the best tights :)

MarthasHarbour · 24/10/2011 13:16

i agree with poopy it still doesnt sit right with me that someone has been conned out of £160. I would be inclined to email her as i said earlier on in the thread with a copy of the venue email

Teetik · 24/10/2011 13:29

Who has been conned out of £160? [lost]

MarthasHarbour · 24/10/2011 13:49

teetik one of the other hens (who the OP doesnt know very well) had emailed a week or two ago to say that she couldnt make it so the leech HO told her she had to pay the full amount regardless. Then when OP pulled out and questioned having to pay the full amount the HO dropped it to £80, when in fact no deposit has been paid at all.

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