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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

713 replies

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:25

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub? Confused

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 21/10/2011 20:17

Please phone the venue re the deposit.

We are all here cheering you on/holding hands etc.

Blueberties · 21/10/2011 20:19

Cripes, you really shouldn't pay, not the 80 or anything. Tell the organiser to get it off the bride - tell her you've been treated really badly and the bride will have to sort it out.

To be honest you shouldn't worry about being in people's bad books. They should worry about being in yours. Toughen up. Use stronger language. Show no weakness. The bride's a witch and if it costs her 80 so be it.

Bunbaker · 21/10/2011 20:29

I agree. Check with the venue. I don't believe any activity asks for 50% deposit. It sounds suspect to me.

TartyMcFarty · 21/10/2011 20:48

... a dated receipt ...

piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht · 21/10/2011 20:56

yes, WHO exactly? had £800 to put down as a deposit.

also I think slinkingoutsideinsocks summation is totally spot on.

Whatmeworry · 21/10/2011 21:09

I would hand over the £80 deposit, simply because I wouldn't want to give them any ammunition to bad-mouth me entirely to the rest of the hen group

I wouldn't, because you're going to get bad mouthed anyway and £80 buys a lot of healing wine :)

At the very least I would check with the venue, not the organiser.

And don't feel bad, she is a skilled manipulator.

bemybebe · 21/10/2011 21:23

Neither would I. (Hand over 80 quid) They can go and get stuffed. But then I am not too concerned how I 'come across'.

magentastardust · 21/10/2011 21:24

I would continue to be as dignified as you have been Op and pay the £80 (after double checking with venue that it has def been paid ).Be polite back to the organiser none of this is her fault.
I would email back your friend the bride asking if she really expects you to believe that she didn't think you would want to go along to her reception?? What friends don't want to go to another friends wedding? You appreciate that numbers were maybe a factor in you not being invited but she should have been upfront about that and politely explained that to you and you would have understood but with her asking you for a wedding present and for her being happy to get your Dh to take her wedding photos and then inviting you to her hen night you were a bit confused as to whether you were really invited or not.
Then apologise to your other non invited friend -you do sound lovely op but I can understand why she was a bit peeved -it was her that was disgruntled about not being invited to wedding and only to hen night and you should have said to her about your plans for not going as now her situation is worse as she at least she had you in the same boat before, now she knows no one and is the only one going who isn't invited.
Hopefully though she will forgive you see the light and follow your lead and do the same -give them the deposit and politely decline the invite now.
Good luck hope your friend comes around and that you and your Dh use your now spare £120 to go on a nice night out together on the night of the wedding reception Smile

bemybebe · 21/10/2011 21:26
PartyPooperz · 21/10/2011 21:26

Tights I bet the other woman is just kicking herself she didn't pull out of it too, knowing she hadn't been invited. It will blow over for her - I can see why she'd be pissed off at first (I might be too) but I would see sense shortly and confess my envy to you that you'd got out of it. Try not to feel bad in the meantime and do check with the venue to see what their approach is to refunding the deposit or using the deposit towards the total.

thunderboltsandlightning · 21/10/2011 21:27

If you don't feel comfortable checking out the particular deposit on this Hen Night Tights, then call the venue and pretend to be organising an event yourself and find out what they'd want as a deposit from you for example if you were inviting 10 people along.

hepcat · 21/10/2011 21:34

Does the venue have a website? If so, lots of information is usually available about things like the terms & conditions of booking an event and the amount of deposit payable per person.

storminabuttercup · 21/10/2011 21:51

OP - please don't pay anything until you know for certain that it has been paid! Im an old cynic but can imagine them using your 80 quid for drinks or what ever!

She sounds horrid!

Tigerstripes · 21/10/2011 23:04

I've been lurking and watching this thread unfold with baited breath for several days! Really, weddings and money seem to bring out the worst in people. I agree with others, I would grudgingly pay the deposit ONLY if I had confirmed myself with the venue that it was due. Don't give it to them without this. And why can't your friend back out? She could just do the same thing you did! Not your fault that you had the courage to stand up for yourself and she hasn't!

LucieLucie · 21/10/2011 23:28

OP - Given the bad attitude already being given out to you by these women, please bear in mind they are likely to bad mouth you after this anyway whether you pay the £80 or not.

Bride will no doubt twist your non attendance to her hen as a snub to her pals and will prob get the other non-invited woman on side with a 'oh of course you are invited' to get her on side too.

I have learned the hard way with hen weekends gone wrong in the past and no longer get involved in anything.

Group activity deposit has been allegedly paid @ £80 per head x 12 = £960
If you are not going then the activity deposit should be split x 11 and the extra cost absorbed by the people actually attending and enjoying the activity.(£25 extra) Thats my opinion anyway and is certainly the way it has worked in my experience.

Definately without a shadow of a doubt telephone the venue and ask what the policy is on numbers changing prior to the event, though usually numers have to be confirmed 48 hours prior to date.

Be strong...and get rid, you have been treated appallingly and dont enable them to use your money to fund part of their enjoyment, good luck! :)

LucieLucie · 21/10/2011 23:42

EDIT* My maths is poor at this time of night - the extra cost to the 11 attending would be £15 not £25

pigletmania · 22/10/2011 09:24

Exactly Tiger that's what I think. If the friends were talking about the wedding in front of you, and you feeling awkward and uncomfortable about it, think about what the hen weekend would be, a pile of poo tbh. I would have done the same, but first I would have held back confirming anything for the hen, until I knew details of the cost of the hen, what was happening, etc. You knew that you were not invited to the wedding before you agreed to the hen weekend, I would not have done this, and would have politely declined, as the hen would be focused on the wedding, excitement, what people are wearing etc, and that in itself would have made me most uncomfortable, and noway would I want to pay about £200 to feel like rubbish. You accepted as you thought that things might change, that is a big assumption. I guess lesson learned for next time, don't worry just be glad that you got out of what would be a crap weekend for you.

pigletmania · 22/10/2011 09:25

You have lost a friend, but not a good one tbh, good friends do not use people and make them feel rubbish.

KCEHNR · 22/10/2011 09:29

For 80 quid you will have a lovely facial. Treat yourself and forget this user.

pigletmania · 22/10/2011 10:06

And to keep talking about her wedding and plans in front of you all the time, when knowing that you were not invited how rude. If she did that, I would have said to her, well I am really looking forward to coming to your wedding, it will be lovely and really look forward to it, see the look on her face Grin

ColdSancerre · 22/10/2011 10:33

Did the activity need 12 people as a minimum?

AKMD · 22/10/2011 10:42

Am so glad I'm not friends with most of you lot who think it's ok to steal £80 from someone. I'll remember that most people think that next time I organize something and will ask for money upfront :(

OP I think you've done allnthe right things. I'm sure your friend who is still going will forgive you eventually!

pigletmania · 22/10/2011 10:51

AKMD I personally think that the op should find out more information first, and if its right that she owes that money of course she should pay, I have never said otherwise. I personally think she should pay, be done with it and use that as a lesson tbh.

GeneHuntsMistress · 22/10/2011 10:57

Surely the £80 covers the deposit owed by the bridezilla for the op's DH as he turned away potential business due to holding their wedding date as requested.....op should email organiser and cc bride explaining why she should look to the bride for the £80 for the reason stated above...?

Whatmeworry · 22/10/2011 11:06

I would check it's been paid and they cant get a refund before I handed any money over.

But I wouldn't hand any money over - especially after yesterday, that made the game clear.