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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

713 replies

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:25

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub? Confused

OP posts:
SquelchyBodyParts · 21/10/2011 18:27

While I supported the HO I do think she is being rather fishy about costs etc! Have you contacted the venue to ask about the deposit? Have you asked HO to ask someone else? Now is the time to get stern, the bride has treated you shoddily, I'm thinking you now email bride and tell her you did in fact believe you were a good and valued friend of hers and have now realised this is not the case. Therefore you will not be paying the £80 as you realise you were only wanted for numbers and that if she is so popular that you cannot attend the wedding, then she can find someone to take your place!

pigletmania · 21/10/2011 18:34

Please op don't feel bad, your friend (the bridzilla) is trying to make you feel bad and it seems to be working, please don't. What a poor excuse, not iniviting you because she thinks that you might not want to go to her good friends wedding Hmm. Saying that the numbers are limited, when you know her fiance is still inviting people to the wedding, and that its in a hall that has been hired so numbers will not be too much of a problem. As for upsetting the other friend, its your decision not to go, you don't want to go if you don't want to, and are going to feel awkward and uncomfortable, nobody made her go, as for upsetting the HO, don't worry you don't know her, she is a stranger to you so what, stuff happens. Its good that you will reimburse her, that is the right and proper thing to do. OK you have lost a friend, but it does not sound that she was much of a friend tbh in the first place. please try and enjoy your weekend, and look at it in perspective. The bride just wants to make you feel bad for snubbing you.

thunderboltsandlightning · 21/10/2011 18:35

Yes tights, you said you were apologetic to the organiser and bride for dropping out of this. You don't owe them any apologies or money. This is the bride's mess and she should sort it out.

Also you need to tell her that she's confused, she snubbed you by inviting you to a hen night that she expected you to shell out £200 for that you don't have, and then not inviting you to her wedding, whilst insisting on continually talking about it in front of you.

senua · 21/10/2011 18:35

"I'm really intrigued by the bride's conclusion that "you wouldn't want to go" to her wedding."

Me too!
Apparently the bride and groom both booked photographers. The groom's choice cost money including, presumably, a non-refundable deposit. The bride's choice was free, so would only cost the forfeited deposit. And yet they went for the groom's choice?Confused
Did Bridezilla's assumption that you wouldn't want to go have something to do with this other photographer? There is something fishy going on.

catsareevil · 21/10/2011 18:48

I agree with everyone who said to phone the venue and check that it is really £80, and that that amount will be lost if you dont go rather than transferring to the rest of the group.

I cant believe that they told you £100 yesterday and £80 today!

SquelchyBodyParts · 21/10/2011 18:49

Yes senua I agree! That is very weird! It seems odd that op is un-invited when the new photographer is recruited, what did either she or her dh do to be un invited and sacked from doing the photos? Why would they want to pay someone when they had a, (I'm assuming), perfectly good, free photographer willing to do it?

vigglewiggle · 21/10/2011 18:49

If you decide to contact the bridezilla again I would be inclined to stress the fact that you found the awkwardness of the situation somewhat humiliating and make it clear that you are not being petty by "snubbing" the hen do, you are preserving your dignity.

kipperandtiger · 21/10/2011 18:54

I bet the £100 is the total deposit, not per person! Would be interesting to see what the venue says!

sukysue · 21/10/2011 18:54

God what a bloody cheek you need to drop her what a skank!

Teetik · 21/10/2011 19:05

Yes WHY would someone who was playing the role of 'such a good friend' just take it at face value that you didn't want to go to the wedding? Not even ask why not, if she'd upset you etc. I'd be really upset if one of my good friends said "Your wedding - meh. Not bovvered." Of course, you didn't say that, so she's made it up, but my point is it's a fishy-smeling lie.

piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht · 21/10/2011 19:06

it's either 'thought you wouldn't want to go' OR 'not enough room' bla bla

Other photographer booked over your dh, it's cost them money. weird.

BUT

it seems to me OP that she didn't really want you at her wedding at all. So therefore not really a friend.

Teetik · 21/10/2011 19:08

The other photographer could be a mug friend as well.

Original poster
IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 21/10/2011 19:30

Sorry not to be replying to every question.

The mention is £200 is misleadingly and my fault. The activity is £160 and a meal we're going to is £40 per head, so I've just been thinking it's a £200 thing. So, £80 is half. Sorry, I wasn't clear about that. I will ask the organiser for the receipt. I'll cringe when I do it, but I will check this before I pay.

As far as I know it's a friend or relative of the fiancee who's doing the photography, so I understand why they'd go with him. My problem was that a) we were therefore invited when she asked if DH would be the photographer and b) she didn't think to tell us that they'd found someone else. For a good while afterwards DH was keeping the date free and I was going to book hotel etc. When I heard about the alternative phorographer I asked the bride-to-be and she said they had asked him instead, so my DH didn't have to worry about it. She said it as though she was doing him a favour. Does that make any sense? Just glad I hadn't booked the hotel for nothing!

I suppose I'm feeling all defensive now because she accused me of snubbing her, but it was only a couple of months ago that she was here using my washing machine because hers had broken down and I was happy to help. As has been repeatedly said - I AM A MUG!!

OP posts:
Original poster
IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 21/10/2011 19:32

Also she knows is daft to say that I said I didn't want to go to the reception. She knows how much I like a party. The hen activity, on the other hand, isn't my sort of thing at all. She's talking rubbish to make it seem as though she was doing me a favour and I'm being ungrateful.

OP posts:
runningwilde · 21/10/2011 19:37

Op - why on earth aren't you giving this bloody bitch bride some home truths about herself (that she is a fucking nasty twat and you don't want anything to do with her)
I do hope you are not going to let het get away with her pathetic response to you - give her what for and then BIN her!

pigletmania · 21/10/2011 19:39

IvegotTights you have been treated appealingly by this person, only inviting you because your dh was going to do the photography not because she wanted you there! And not inviting you when they found someone else, making you feel bad because you don't want to come to a hen night where you will feel awkward and uncomfortable when most will be talking about the wedding, some friend eh! On top of that asking those not invited to strump up the cash for the honeymoon which they should pay for, shockingly rude. Your best off out of it tbh

Conundrumish · 21/10/2011 19:40

But you're a NICE mug - and the bride is a nasty user!

piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht · 21/10/2011 19:42

no you're not a mug, you offered her the use of washing machine you were doing her a friendly favour. BUT, that was then.

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 21/10/2011 19:44

do not pay, do not pay,do not pay, do not pay!

She is being horrid! do not pay!

pigletmania · 21/10/2011 19:45

She sounds a bit of a user tbh.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 21/10/2011 19:53

I really thought when you came back to update us on hearing frothe Bride, it would all turn out to be a misunderstanding, as I honestly didn't see how someone could be quite so breathtakingly rude, grabby and entitled as this bride-to-be.

So to learn that in fact, she really hadn't invited you to the wedding, there was no misunderstanding but she still saw it appropriate to bang on about her wedding to you, invite you to the hen do, expect a contribution towards the honeymoon (which, as an aside, I'm afraid to say is such a tacky request in terms of a wedding list/gift, but just my opinion), ask your DH to be photographer AND THEN not even tell him he was no longer required...?!

And the final cherry on the icing on the cake is that she is now trying to make you feel like the bad person; the one doing the snubbing....! Shock

OP - you should NOT be feeling in the SLIGHTEST bit bad here!!! (In bold, because it's so important).

I would hand over the £80 deposit, simply because I wouldn't want to give them any ammunition to bad-mouth me entirely to the rest of the hen group (and everyone else of their acquaintance) - saying that you don't believe for a second that you do actually owe anything, but that unlike her, you're an upstanding person (just so that she's not sniggering away thinking she's got one over you) and then thank the sweet lord that I never had to have dealings with her ever again.

Brass neck doesn't even begin to cover it.

hepcat · 21/10/2011 19:53

I would definitely get clarification from the HO as to exactly what monies have been paid out by way of deposit. I really cannot believe anyone pay sizable amounts of cash up front and out of pocket for an event such as this without having any guarantee that all the people are definitely going to attend and pay up. You may be a decent person who would pay but lots wouldn't-I know I wouldn't take that risk.

Can you not phone the venues and confirm the deposit situation by way of independent verification so you don't get fobbed off by HO saying she doesn't have a receipt or some some nonsense?

HerScaryness · 21/10/2011 20:02

There is NO WAY that a 50% deposit has been paid for 10+ people.

WHO in their right mind would pay out £80 x TEN PEOPLE? £800? nah, there will be a minimum holding deposit for the group.

Unless you actually see a receipt for that money Tights, do NOT hand over a bean.

THEN CALL THE VENUE AND VERIFY! I don't trust either of them. What thoroughly horrid people.

Who cares if they bad mouth you, they are the ones in the HEINOUS wrong here, who cares about their opinion? genuinely?

KittyFane · 21/10/2011 20:12

Don't feel bad OP, don't even give them another thought.
I would probably concentrate on building bridges with your other friend (who is still lumbered with hen party from hell) just explain everything to her and tell her why you felt you had to pull out.

HerScaryness · 21/10/2011 20:17
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