to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

[IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove]

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub?

You've still saved yourself £120 though. And face, you've saved face.

Bride's got a bloody cheek, trying to make you feel bad. She can just suck it up, and if the other non-invitee has got any balls, she'll cancel too.

I'm bloody proud of you.

Oh and what wedding venue is soooooo exclusive that the eve do is very limited with numbers? Bag oh shite

I agree you should pay your half, but you should really stop feeling bad about these dreaful people. The bride has been very rude. How grasping to expect you to provide photographs as a wedding present, they often cost in the region of £500! I think you have had a lucky escape, as I bet she would have messed your DH around with photos and extra copies etc.

Please don't say why you have pulled out. Just leave her wondering.

and afte rthat, she stil ldidn't invite you to the reception?

Why on earth do you feel guilty about it?

and if it's not too late for you to back out, why is it too late for your other friend to back out?

I can't believe the cheek of bridezilla! She is well and truly a nasty person! You are so well shot of her! What sort of excuse is 'I thought you wouldn't want to come', especially due to the fact that she felt you were such good friends she expected your dh to do her photo's for free! Why would a supposedly good friend as she obviously thought you were, NOT want to go to her wedding? The woman beggars belief!

Oh well at least you know now and you no longer have to put up with her leaching, selfish nonsense any longer! Silver linings and all that!

Just have a nice weekend the weekend of her wedding and thank your lucky stars you got away from her when you did!

Ah OP, I feel for you.

I too would pay the £80 as to my mind it's morally right.
The rest of the matter, well, you've not 'lost face' and not allowed yourself to be 'used'. I suspect this is a hard step for you, but try to keep in mind you've done whats right for you - I read that all the other parties have taken a self-centred stand on the whole business and only have concerns for themselves, rather than how you might be feeling and how difficult this was for you.

So, walk away, be dignified, and dont succumb to the gossip mongers. It may feel awful now but you HAVE done the right thing. Good luck :)

Tights I absolutely love your name. I will certainly remember it for when my DCs are horrible teenagers trying to make out they are grown ups!!!

A horrid situation to find yourself in Op. Use the £120 you've saved to treat yourself .

My EX-friend, the bride-to-be said that it's a shame that I seem to be snubbing (her word) her hen and thought I'd want to be there for her. She said I hadn't been invited to the reception because she thought I said I wouldn't want to go (I've never said anything like that!) and because she has had to limit the numbers for the reception. I suspec this is an exaggeration though because her fiancee is still inviting people at this late stage

"Wouldn't want to go" says all you need to know, and still didn't invite you - I wouldn't pay because of that alone :)

This is classic non friend behaviour - make you feel bad, moral blackmail plus mug you for money.

yes, say the £80 got lost in the post, like my effing invite you cow bag!

But why would you not want to go now, when you did want to go when you would be providing free photos???

Hmm, tell your genuine friend that if you had gone on the hen, you'd be grumpy and likely to say something to the bride about her not inviting you to the wedding once she wasn't getting a freebie out of you and that you'd have been crap company and probably spoilt it for her too.

Let's not forget that the organiser was trying to screw Tights out of an extra twenty quid, too. Odious pair. I hope they DO see this, and are thoroughly ashamed of themselves, though their sort never are.

I'm sorry you feel awful at the moment but you have done the right thing, not allowing yourself to be treated badly. The bride's reaction shows what a horror she is, and that's that.

Personally I would be loath to pay. The bride could stump up the £80 if she's that bothered about the hen night organizer - I agree completely about their not having any problem in letting your DP down without recompense - I think she's being awful in even making you feel like you should pay. Most people would see that they'd been caught out being a bit shitty, and try to slink off with their tail between their legs.

Yeah- invoice her an eighty quid cancellation fee due to lost business, and say you'll settle up on its receipt.

Well, OP, you're not in our bad books (granted we're mostly strangers, apart from the odd few you may know or who may know mutual friends of yours, haha)!
IMHO big events like weddings, christenings (look at Sleeping Beauty), etc etc just end up being magnets for interpersonal disaster. A relative of ours didn't invite us to her wedding at all - granted I was not bothered as I'm only an in-law and assumed it was because she thought we wouldn't fly over for it, plus, it's a huge family and the groom's family is massive too - before you even count their friends.
Where I think the evil starts is that trends and magazines put in us this idea of the "perfect" glossy magazine wedding - a certain venue, certain size, certain kind of hen night/do/weekend (weekend!?? Gracious - mine was only about 3 hours, as were most of my friends'!!!) and they now expect you to clear your diary, save up a small fortune, so you can go away to some posh place or have some wacky activity and say you've had "great memories"......no offence to folks here who managed either without inconveniencing or bankrupting their buddies, but you know what I mean - a weekend costing £200 is spare change for some, but a huge sacrifice for others, and for some, it's not having the time to spare. And places/activities that demand a minimum number are even more tyrannical - chances in this day and age are that we're not going to have eight, ten or twelve (whatever the minimum is) friends who know each other equally well, get on well, and have the same amount of time and money to splurge.
I think you're going to have some resentment from the bride for not making up her perfect number to have her "dream" (if a touch extravagant and impractical) hen do. (Dream hen do??!! Some of us didn't even get the "dream wedding" - more than happy just to get the dream spouse!) And the other friend not invited feels lost because, face it, the bride didn't invite her to have a good time either, just to make up numbers. You're just going to have to accept that if people are petty enough to blame you - that's it, they are simply that - petty (just about this, anyway, hopefully not about everything else!).
FWIW, my two cents' worth is that the bride had every opportunity to make it up to both friends and invite them both, even their other halves, I mean, honestly, four people really going to make much difference?!! How many is she having - 20 at the wedding??? But she hasn't done the right thing, and IMHO, someone who demands 200 quid per person for a hen night but won't spend less than 200 quid to have 2 more friends at her wedding is giving out the message that she doesn't care about them at all.

OMG, you HAVE to send that invoice! It's the least you could do!

Sorry about the long lecture/blog/rambling.......here's one more thought to leave behind. There is a thought that the more disastrous or "awful" your wedding (I suppose this will include the hen do), generally it bodes well for the marriage. And it does seem to be true in a way. Some of my friends and relations who had the most boring/cut price/problematic weddings have the longest and strongest marriages. One friend's priest got drunk and ruined the ceremony - and they've been together for over 25 years, 2 kids and are v happy.

So for those trying to have the "perfect", glossy (and expensive) wedding - just bear in mind, better to have a more shabby one and keep all your good friends. You never know when you'll need them - and, you might actually enjoy the day more.

Know you feel bad but you knew two of them would be pissed off so only one extra.

Can you convince your friend to go out with you and do something different?

life is too short for this kind of guilt trip behaviour - as much as possible ignore it.

Tights, would you guilt trip anyone like your so called friends? Didn't think so, and neither would I.

If I were the 'don't know anyone else' friend I might have a moan up about it but I like to think I would have the generosity of spirit somewhere in me to understand. Honestly, you are not her mum- what is her problem?! Especially as she too understands how much you didn't want to go. Too bad that you got there first!

And as for the rest of it - well I guess you have to swallow the £80 for the sake of peace and because you want to do the right thing. But really, they are a bunch of pillocks and you are well rid of them IMO.

I'm really intrigued by the bride's conclusion that "you wouldn't want to go" to her wedding. What could have possibly led her to think that, given that your DH had offered to do the photography and had saved the date, together with your planning to attend her hen do? Maybe it was genuine misunderstanding on her part- but even if she though that the proper thing to do would have been to send you an invitation and let you confirm one way or another. Or, you know, ask, why don't you want to come to my wedding?

It's a pity your other friend is pissed off about it all but she needs to assume responsibility for her own social dealings- it's open to her to cancel too if she wishes.

I am so, so glad you are not going- bravo for not being a doormat!

How come it was £100 last night and £80 today. That's extremely fishy. It sounds like they're trying to get away with whatever they can guilt trip you into. Nasty pair.

Are you going to get in touch with the hen night venue to find out if they are telling the truth?

Also don't feel bad. This woman is obviously a past mistress at making other people feel crap and walking all over them. You did the right thing withdrawing.

HOW do you know that £80 has been paid? First it's £200 that is non refundable, then £100, now £80. I would still want to know that £80 has been paid and would contact the venue to find out.

I would phone the venue and check out the £80....

I'd not pay a penny until I saw a receipt.

What are they going to do? Sue you?