to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

[IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove]

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub?

It was this that made me think the op hadn't received an invite prior to hen do invite;

"My own fault, I should have asked where my invitation was, and then said straight away that I wouldn't go to the hen, rather than sitting her twiddling my thumbs wondering what was going on."

And this is why I think the op should pay anything due, and it seems the op agrees;

"If I don't go, I must pay because I agreed to do so with the woman organising it. I think she's paid for it and I certainly don't want to leave her out of pocket."

that's what I thought, too, Oggy.

Maybe the OP should have checked. Just MAYBE the bride should have been more thoughtful. She comes out of this really badly. It's more a case of 'she's been rumbled' than 'the OP has neglected to clarify something which in Normal World would have been an oversight on the part of the bride".

I'm another one who doesn't believe the need for the £100 payment - any venue will change numbers at this point, people do it ALL the time.

OP where are you?

Oggy OP had been invited to the wedding - as free labour. She assumed that when they were un-hired then she would get a normal invitation but was too polite to raise the matter.

well I shall await the OP to return to clarify things, but I think senua has it right, at least I think she does.

I have organised 3 hen parties and I have not asked for £100 from anyone as a deposit, also unless they are staying away, why is it £200?? If they were staying away, that would be one component and a Spa, hotel would give the refund. I just do not get it. Does not ring true from what the hen organiser is demanding.

Well done Wimba! So she did accept knowing she hadn't been invited to the wedding. I do think the bride is being mean and snubbing OP and expecting free photography as gift is very cheeky, BUT, OP did accept hen invite knowing she hadn't been invited to the wedding (by her own admission) so the goal posts really haven't been moved to justify her expecting others to cough up for any lost deposit (if there is any lost deposit) IMO.

Thanks for the tip imperialblether, I will try that.

Yes but senua, what if the bride is just assuming op knows she's invited because of the previous request of op's dh doing the photo's? I agree the bride was cheeky asking for the photo's as a gift, because photo's are an absolute fortune! But she may have thought that op knew when the wedding was and where, time etc, and that she didn't need an invite, (I know I know, silly but it could be true), or the bride just forgot to send op the invite, but hasn't asked for her RSVP because she has assumed all along the op is coming?

However bride may also be a rude, snubbing bridezilla, but what if op is mistaken, and bride is actually not as bad as we all think.

I do think the HO should be given a bit of slack though because it's a thankless task organising a hen do. Although I seriously doubt HO has paid out wads of cash for a deposit, it would be very silly of her if she did, and I also don't agree that op should be expected to pay £100 for something she won't even be going to! She should definitely be ringing venue, and asking what their policy is on cancellations and whether any money has been paid yet.

A marriage is a public event, like christenings or funerals. So anyone off the street can go to them. Remember Blanche in Coronation Street who used to like going to funerals? The invitation is officially meant for the food and drink part.

So the OP could go to the wedding in jeans and tee shirt and cough loudly throughout the quieter bits.

But, squelchy, all your what-ifs fall down when you remember that OP is not the only one to be snubbed invited to the Hen but not the wedding.

Yes senua, someone else up-thread mentioned that, and it is more than likely bridezilla has snubbed poor op and her mate, but I just think she should be sure before completely disintegrating the friendship!

Wouldn't it be a nice outcome if bridezilla did actually turn out to be not so bad after all and had meant for op and mate to be there, just an oversight in invites/ crossed wires! Still doesn't forgive the fact that bride asked op's husband to be free photographer though . Infact the more I think of it, if she has snubbed op, then she's really horrid because she obviously thought herself to be so important to op that op would give them a gift worth hundreds of pounds, but when she didn't need op's dh anymore, just ditches them from the whole event! Yet still wants a gift! I really hope op's invite got lost in the post!

One thing we are maybe forgetting - OPs DH is a photographer, and he reserved the date for this "friend" and her wedding. And thereby may have turned away other business. Im sure that the bride did not have any qualms about this, and did not offer to pay a "deposit" to them as compensation for booking a day and then cancelling.

On this basis alone, I would have no qualms about saying that you are already out of pocket by £X -(normal amount spend on wedding pics) and that bride can make up any shortfall.

I also understand that it is common practice now for the guests at a hen weekend to pay for the bride. Now the bride can pay for herself.

omg i would check with venue of hen do too

Very true, Hatti.
Actually, does anyone else think that Bridezilla's story is a bit suspect - that the fiancé (a bloke) booked a photographer, and did it without consulting? Really?

Hi all.

Well, I'm not in any one's good books and it feels awful.

Apparently the organiser HAS paid £80 per person. I will pay this (I know that the majority of people here think that I shouldn't) but as it's my choice to pull out after saying I would go, this is my responsibility, I think.

My EX-friend, the bride-to-be said that it's a shame that I seem to be snubbing (her word) her hen and thought I'd want to be there for her. She said I hadn't been invited to the reception because she thought I said I wouldn't want to go (I've never said anything like that!) and because she has had to limit the numbers for the reception. I suspec this is an exaggeration though because her fiancee is still inviting people at this late stage (my other hen invited/wedding not invited friend told me this).

I've also managed to annoy the hen invited/wedding not invited friend. She said that it's too late in the day to back out and I've dropped her in it as she'll now have to go and not know anyone but the hen.

I feel absolutely awful. Really awful. I've managed to p*ss off a stranger, the bride-to-be (OK, I know she isn't really a friend but it doesn't feel good to annoy someone, even if they probably deserve it!) and a genuine friend. :-(

Doesn't help that I had a crap night's sleep and not enough to eat (yet!) today.

Hey, you only have to pay if they don't find a substitute. I think that Bridezilla owes it to other-snubee to invite someone that other-snubee knows to keep her company.

Well I'm sorry you feel I'm snubbing you because I know how much snubbing hurts - have a good wedding

Well, pay £80 and don't look back. You stated why you didn't want to go, the organisers explained the situation with regards the paid deposit, you considered it and decided to reimburse her money. I think that's all pretty civil and mature. Why you're worried that the bride is upset, I don't know. She clearly thought nothing of treating you shit. Life is full of unpleasant situation, you cant dwell on them. Accept, learn from it and move on. The other not invited to the wedding friend is a grown up, shouldn't really be sulking that you won't be there to hold her hand.

I'm definitely going to pay. It's my stupid fault and I'll pay up. I don't want to come across as petty. I said I'd go and now I'm cancelling so I will pay.

I think you are right to pay the £80, oh bless

and your friend will get over it, I think you made a stand and sometimes when you do this, others get pissed off, I feel bad for her but you cant go to the hen just for her can you? maybe she can drop out too!!!!!

BUT you did right thing, you have seen true colours and think how pissed off you would have been had you went to the hen??? I know you feel shit now, but in time you will be glad you did this

FUCK THE BRIDEZILLAHS!!!!

Do not feel bad, the bride is being a shit to you! Invite to the hen, oh and can I use your Dh for photos, but oh yeah no wedding invite. Are you serious??!

Pay the £80 if you like, but I really feel like this is taking the piss, and your other mate...well, maybe she should grow a pair and not go either as she is only there to make the numbers too.

What is the £80 for, go on spill!

Yes, I will pay up and forget all about it DrinkFeckArseGirls. I'll make it up to my friend (the hen invited/reception not invited one!).

tell friend - well you can see I've decided not to go because I am horrified at being so badly treated and don't think the evening will be much fun with everyone else invited - you have to make your own decision

tell organiser - I am sure you can appreciate how horrifying it would be to go to a hen night when you are excluded from the wedding itself - as it got nearer the embarrassment got greater - I think that all efforts should be made to replace me with someone who was 'good enough' to get an inviation to the wedding

tell bride - she's a twat

If you didn't deal with the situation as you did just now, you would be still seething over it and stewing it over for months to come. Now it's all done and you can forget about it. No one gives out medals for being a martyr: "look, I still came to the do, even though the bride just wants me to pay for her honeymoon, I'll do anything so everybody likes me." I used to be like this, got over it and life is so much better when you know you don't have to engage with shit people in your life.

Sorry I'm not being awkward by not saying what the money is for, but it's a bit unusual (I think) and so I don't want to make matters worse by making it obvious who I am and who the hen is to anyone on MN who might know us!