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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

713 replies

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:25

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub? Confused

OP posts:
senua · 21/10/2011 12:41

We need a little forwarding thinking, ladies.

What happens if bridzilla comes back with some oh-my-gosh-did-you-invitation-get-lost-in-the-post malarky? OP will then

  • have to go to the HenDo and try to forget bad feeling
  • cough up £200 plus incidentals
  • go to wedding (ditto bad feelings)
  • stump up for new outfits for self and DH
  • stump up for wedding "present"

We need to give her a ready-made excuse as to why she can go to neither HenDo nor wedding.

pleasethanks · 21/10/2011 12:43

I have never understood people who invite people to their hen, who they are not inviting to the wedding. Rude rude rude.

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 21/10/2011 12:59

no further engagement necessary The hen party organiser and bride have behaved badly and it should fall to them to sort out the costs.

The £100 is a load of crap there is NO way that this is the amount that the henzilla needs. Simply do not pay.

If you get another email, just say, sorry, really not my problem, I trust you and the bride can sort the financials out, I am not attending to "make up numbers" the cost is prohibitive and as I not an actual guest, I would feel ridiculous attending the event in any case. I now see this matter as closed. Have a lovely time in my absence.

To the bride- I am not able to attend your hen do, have a lovely time, Love OP.

JajasWjolef · 21/10/2011 13:04

I would be 'busy' on the actual wedding day for sure, i can't think of anything worse than being invited out of a feeling of obligation or guilt - my pride/dignity wouldn't allow it.

GhastlyGhouly's email is good and to the point.

Tights where ARE you!!!

PopcornMouse · 21/10/2011 13:09

sensua - OP has "made plans" for wedding day, and it's now too last-minute to cancel :o

Whatmeworry · 21/10/2011 13:18

We need to give her a ready-made excuse as to why she can go to neither HenDo nor wedding

I have booked a weekend Spa treat, cost me about £200 - I will tell you all about it when you return from your honeymon. have a lovely time :o

AWimbaWay · 21/10/2011 13:19

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants, how has the organiser behaved badly Confused?

People are jumping to conclusions, I think it's quite likely that the deposit has been made and the money has been collected from the guests she knows and she has very kindly (although it would seem stupidly) stumped up the remainder herself. Maybe I'm naive to automatically presume people are normally decent and aren't trying to rip people off at every opportunity.

Whatmeworry · 21/10/2011 13:24

Maybe I'm naive to automatically presume people are normally decent and aren't trying to rip people off at every opportunity

Nope, you are naive (or feeelthy rich) to assume anyone will stump up £1200 without calling in the cash first.

JajasWjolef · 21/10/2011 13:37

People drop out for all sorts of reasons not neccessarily dubious ones.

AWimbaWay · 21/10/2011 13:41

But Whatmeworry, I'm not saying she stumped up the whole £1200, the op has said the organiser knows all the other guests bar one, I'm thinking she has perhaps got the money from those she sees regularly and is just waiting for the £200 from the 2 guests she doesn't know?

Whatmeworry · 21/10/2011 13:46

Wimba. it is not the OP's responsibility to fund her own snubbing. End of discussion.

Oggy · 21/10/2011 13:56

Whatme, she hasn't assumed anyone has stumped up £1200 herself, she is saying it is possible that all the guests the organiser actually knows have already paid the deposit and it is only OP's which she has not got yet.

Teetik · 21/10/2011 13:56

DO NOT PAY
The organizer got into this and it's a major pain in the arse for her, but the money should (morally) come from the bride. SHE fucked up the invitations, SHE used the OP, and any further hassle, now it's all been rumbled, is firmly between the bride and the organizer.

If people plan things badly, requiring big wads of money but not getting it when people confirm, then that is their business. Normally I'm all for owning up to your responsibilities. However this is a shitty situation and nothing good is going to happen if the OP fronts up £100 she can't afford. I totally agree with Whatmeworry.

If they had planned it all better they could have had the cash and THEN snubbed her, eh? Hmm

ScarlettIsWalking · 21/10/2011 13:57

Op where are you? Hope it's been sorted!

ZombiePlan · 21/10/2011 14:06

So what did the bride say about it?

FWIW I agree that the poor organiser shouldn't be left out of pocket. If the cost can't be covered elsewhere, then OP should pay the £100 IMO. Even if people think paying upfront is naive, that doesn't make it ok to not reimburse people when they have shelled out money in good faith.

pigletmania · 21/10/2011 14:07

Sena if that wAs the case she would have asked op at the same time with the others why she has not RSVP yet. It seems definite that she us not invited

AWimbaWay · 21/10/2011 14:09

Oh yes, stupid woman, how dare she try and help out by organising everything, kindly paying money up front for people who had agreed in advance they would be attending and paying, the silly organising witch deserves to lose out on £100 Hmm.

Teetik · 21/10/2011 14:11

She doesn't. The bride should pay.

HerScaryness · 21/10/2011 14:15

AWimbaWay: there is NoWay (did you see what I did there? Grin) that anyone has paid £100 deposit for each attendee of the Spa Day.

There IS no out of pocket.

If there was a booking for 12, and it's reduced to 11, with more than 48 hours notice of a change in numbers, there is not going to be any penalisation.

Tights needs to call the venue and ask a hypothetical reservation question....

Vickles · 21/10/2011 14:16

Snub! If you are 100% sure that there has not been an oversight about the invitation to the wedding..... I would send her an email - just like Queenofthedead recommended... but, I wouldn't hit reply to all.. just her.
I think you are completely justified in pulling out of hen weekend now - even though you agreed to go... that was before you knew about her 'major snub'. I feel for you... it's not nice... and very very thoughless!!!
You deserve better friends than this! xxx

LadyMontdore · 21/10/2011 14:18

And just to add I really hope OP doesn't get her a present too! My understanding is
no invite - no present
invite but can't attend - no need for present in terms of etiquete (sp?) and should definately not be expected by the bride and groom, but nice if you are close to the person.

Oggy · 21/10/2011 14:24

Am I the only one that read OP posting that she DID know she hadn't been invited to the wedding when she accepted the hen do invite but hoped it was a mix-up?

I am starting to think I am making that up as every one else seems to think the no wedding invite snnub came after OP accepted.

Did anyone else see that? Too many pages to go through them all again.

LadyMontdore · 21/10/2011 14:24

I really hope that you have decided not to go OP, it would be just humiliating.

Unless you plan to broadcast the fact the friend was trying to get free photos off you then didn't invite you to wedding as she is a USER and has asked for a present loudly and widely.

Just but into the list of emailing hens and say that as you now realise that you aren't actually invited to the wedding you'd feel a bit out of place at the hen do and so won't be going. Then no further contact ever again. And mental note - she is not your friend!

AWimbaWay · 21/10/2011 14:39

I thought that too Oggy.

ImperialBlether · 21/10/2011 14:42

Oggy, if you go into Customise you can change the settings so that the OP's comments are in a different colour. You can also set it so that you see unlimited posts on one page (rather than pages.)

Makes a world of difference!