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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

713 replies

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:25

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub? Confused

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 21/10/2011 10:31

Ah. Received reply already from the organiser. I have to pay half, as she's already paid this as a deposit; and could I let the bride-to-be-know? Definitely a less friendly tone than her previous messages. I'm dreading the bride's response

No is a complete sentence, as they say, but Lydia's letter is better - I'd leave out the bit about offering to stump up £100 though, let them beg :)

Whatmeworry · 21/10/2011 10:31

And no one pays £1200 up front before moneys are received - red herring, ignore.

AKMD · 21/10/2011 10:33

I thought the reason she knew so quickly was because someone else pulled out last week? Or was that another poster? Confused

If money has been spent on the OP's behalf, it should be repaid without the organiser having to chase her or have any other sort of hassle. That is the decent thing to do. I agree re. supplementing everyone else and yes, the bride really should stump that up if that's the case.

I don't believe that the organiser is out of pocket to the tune of over £1000 but it sounds as though the bride is the 'bridge' between two sets of friends. If the organiser doesn't know the OP, she and her friend could well be the only ones owing money at this point, the organiser havign sorted out the people she knows some time back.

Whatever happens, the organiser should not be left out of pocket and if that comes down to the OP payign the full £100, so be it.

Beckyboo4 · 21/10/2011 10:36

I think since the hen organiser hasn't asked for a deposit already then there is an excellent chance that 1. She hasn't booked yet and 2. You can cancel free of charge.

If I was you and I knew where we were going I would call them directly and ask if you can be cancelled off the booking free of charge.

Whatmeworry · 21/10/2011 10:36

If money has been spent on the OP's behalf, it should be repaid without the organiser having to chase her or have any other sort of hassle. That is the decent thing to do

Bollocks. The decent thing to do is invite people and not misuse their good nature. All bets are off after that.

Let the bride repay the organiser if any money has been lost yet (doubt it), this is not the OP's problem.

pigletmania · 21/10/2011 10:39

The end of the day if op has found that £100 has been spent by th HO and there is nobody to fill her place, it's up to op morally to reimburse the HO. Itsnot the HO fault bride is a cowbag, you can't rely on bride paying the HO it's not right . I would rather pay £100 and not go somewhere which is going to make me feel bad with bride rubbing my face in it, than an extra £100 to feel shit all weekend

AKMD · 21/10/2011 10:39

But it's not the organiser's fault! Why should she be out of pocket or have to chase the bride for money? It could potentially split the friendship between her and the bride, as well as costing her £100. How could anyone think that this was ok?!

Oggy · 21/10/2011 10:42

I'm going to go against the grain and disagree that expecting all the rest of the guests to split the cost of the OPs lost deposit is reasonable.

In my mind either they get the desposit back, fill the place with someone else of OP stumps up as she made the committment to go in the first place.

Appreciate bride is being a bloody cheeky so and so, but, OP has stated in this thread that she knew she wasn't invited when she accepted hen do invitation but hoped that it was a mix-up that woudl be resolved. It's certainly not the organisers fault, and it's certainly not the other guests faults.

I appreciate the whol "it's only £10 each" stance but hen dos are expensive and my experience of them is that there is a constant drip drip of needing a bit more money for this and then a bit more momey for that etc. I would feel a bit peeved to then recieve a further demand for more money because OP pulled out at last minute and couldn't get her deposit back.

I recently paid full amount (a lot less than OP mind you) for a hen do that I committed to but then couldn't make due to childcare. Annoying, yes, but I'm not leaving anyone else out of pocket.

CamperFan · 21/10/2011 10:49

Well done OP!

PrivateBenjamin · 21/10/2011 10:50

There is no way that the hen do organiser has paid out £1200 as a deposit for whatever activity they are doing. That would never happen OP so don't let her railroad you into paying something you don't owe.

Ring the venue, ask if they have received a deposit and ask about their policy on refunds. You will then be armed with all the information when the Bride and Hen Organiser ring you up to harangue you later on today.

CamperFan · 21/10/2011 10:51

Ahh, it hadn't refreshed. I would certainly question the deposit too and perhaps call the venue in question?

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2011 10:58

I genuinely do not believe that the organiser will be out of pocket. When I commented that she was a stranger, it was to indicate that as a stranger you cannot know how trustworthy her claims are. And as a stranger to the OP, it is less likely that she would pay a deposit on OP's behalf than she would for someone she (organiser) knew.

The response was too quick. No attempt had been made to contact the venue. No attempt had been made to fill the place with someone else - and frankly, cow bride sounds the type to be perfectly happy to backfill her hen night with 'Tier 2' friends at short notice. That would be the obvious route for the organiser to take, not just shrugging her shoulders and frostily demanding £100, which I again say I genuinely do not believe has yet been paid to the venue.

catsareevil · 21/10/2011 11:01

It doesnt seem morally right to expect the organiser to cover the cost of any money lost because of the OP not going.

I think that it is very unlikely that she would have paid out £100 per person without seeking reimbursement from people. I have organised this events in the past, and if you dont collect money from people before you pass it to the venue, then IMO you are taking a risk.

Rather than paying the £100 I would ask the organiser for proof that this was paid out, and then contact the venue myself to see if the £100 could be used towards the total bill (so then no-one is out of pocket).

Whatmeworry · 21/10/2011 11:04

The response was too quick. No attempt had been made to contact the venue. No attempt had been made to fill the place with someone else

.....and if £100 is promised no attempt will be made, and OP will be unnecessarily out of pocket. I would not promise to pay anything for that reason.

If it was £20 I might let it slide but you just know no one has paid £100 x No. of people upfront without money in. Others will also pull out etc etc.

senua · 21/10/2011 11:11

OP did mention that someone pulled out last week so I presume that is why HO was so quick with her response. However, if you were the HO and someone pulled out last week wouldn't you have been pretty sharpish about collecting the money from the remaining hens before they, too, started dropping like flies? [mixed metaphor emoticon]
Grin

Whatmeworry · 21/10/2011 11:26

I'm dreading the bride's response

Well, if she is a real friend she will apologise to you and make amends. If she is not she will try and play emotional blackmail and mug you for the money.

I'd wager she won't contact you until she needs something again :)

HerScaryness · 21/10/2011 11:27

I stand by my original advice to do NOTHING. no replies, no payments nothing.

there is no deposit, if there were, the HO would be contacting for cheques to secure the reservation.

EVEN if the spa was being arsey, in this climate if the HO got shirty and threatened to take the hen do elsewhere, the venue wouldn't press on a £100 for the sake of a day booking worth £2000+

JajasWjolef · 21/10/2011 11:31

Tights where are you? I can't go out until we have an update [hgrin]!

Hope you are not being flayed alive by a Hen and a Cow [hconfused]...

PopcornMouse · 21/10/2011 11:33

I wouldn't be paying £100 either - I'd say I'd agreed to go on the understanding that I'd be at the weddding, but as it's a blatant snub, she can fund it from her honeymoon pot. But I'm a meany bo-beanie :o

PopcornMouse · 21/10/2011 11:35

Ooo yes, I like it catsarevil - ask the organiser to see a receipt of monies already paid out

ScarahStratton · 21/10/2011 11:41

They won't have paid a 50% deposit. That's a load of bollocks. I'm in agreement with the sit tight, don't do anything posters.

JajasWjolef · 21/10/2011 11:44

Tis rubbish, I wouldn't pay £1200 up front for really good friends let alone a bunch of strangers as anything can happen to stop people going. I agree you would say £100 by Tues or I can't guarantee your place on hen do.

Dying to know what hen do actually is?

ColdSancerre · 21/10/2011 12:08

Don't pay the £100. I organised a hen do at a spa and I booked and paid for me, the bride and her mum. I certainly didn't pay for everyone that was going and I wouldn't have paid out £1200 without getting it from people first.

Personally if someone was asking me for £100 for something I wasn't attending I'd want to see receipts to confirm was paid and non-refundable before they got a sniff of my cash. And even then I'd ring the venue and ask for confirmation once I had the receipt.

AWimbaWay · 21/10/2011 12:14

For those saying it's up to the organiser to sort a replacement or refund why? Why should it be left to the poor organiser to do this? It's the Op that no longer wants to go after saying she would, it should be up to the Op to sort out her own replacement or refund, not pass the buck onto some poor woman whose probably stressing enough about the whole thing as it is. If she wants the bride to pay or sort it then she needs to deal with her directly and not through the organiser. (I am aware the poor op hasn't even said she wants her £100 back btw, responding to other posters views not the op's.)

GoodAndBluts · 21/10/2011 12:19

Well done Op for declining to go. Id be inclined to call the venue and enquire about the deposit before I parted with the money. £100 a person deposit seems an awful lot of money.

I've recently been in a similar situation, you feel crap about it, but hopefully you can come out the better person.