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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

360 replies

feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:04

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 20/10/2011 12:07

YABU

You got involved with a man who is a father. If you dont like that, then dont be with a man who has a child.

ScaredBear · 20/10/2011 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissJanuary · 20/10/2011 12:08

I can underdstand how this would turn all your lives upside down, but on the grand scale of life, his decisions for his daughters welfare will take precedence over yours.

You should be completely honest with him if your not ready for parenting, it wouldn't be fair on any of you if you didn't, especially the daughter, and she's the most important one if she stays.

Just be honest and talk through your feelings and needs, and it may be better to find out now that you have different wants and expectations for couple/family life.

Good luck to you

Original poster
feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:08

I got involved with a man who had his DD on alternate weekends. That's very different from what might be happening now. Does this happen often then, mums moving abroad and potentially leaving their DCs behind?!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 20/10/2011 12:09

Tell him how you feel

Basically, the majority of the childcare should lie with him. It's up to him to sort out a Child Minder etc if he's serious about having his DD to live for 3yrs.

But tell him you're worried about it and are not willing to change your lifestyle/activities for her.

That way it's all out in the open and if he so chooses to finish with you because of it, at least he has that choice.

But to keep your misgivings private would be wrong imo.

AKMD · 20/10/2011 12:10

YABU. You knew you were getting into a relationship with a man who already had a child. She must come first, not your hobbies or convenience. If you can't live with that, you need to end your relationship now.

brianmayshair · 20/10/2011 12:10

You absolutely are bu, you take on the man you take on the man his child. I would be far more attracted to a man who was willing to look after his child than one who let her move away without a fight. If you don't want parenting responsibilities i guess you find a man without children.

squeakyfreakytoy · 20/10/2011 12:10

I got involved with a man who had his DD on alternate weekends

Irrelevant. Anything can change at any time.

I got involved with a man who had 3 children from his previous marriage. Two years later we were married, his ex wife moved away, and his three teenage children moved in with us so that their education was not disrupted. That is part and parcel of being a parent, and I fully supported my husband in it.

branson · 20/10/2011 12:11

If he has to choose between you and his dd do you think you would win? And if you do, is that the sort of man you want to be with? I couldn't be with a man who wanted his child to move 1000s of miles away so he could indulge in his hobby.

ShirleyKnot · 20/10/2011 12:11

Well if you don't like it, then you should probably end the relationship. If you tell your OH how you're feeling then that should do it pretty effectively; and then he can try and find someone else, and so can you!

loserface · 20/10/2011 12:11

I can see why you would be worried but YABU to expect him to not want his daughter to live with him instead of moving away. Children always come first.

NinkyNonker · 20/10/2011 12:11

YABU I'm afraid. I very much doubt the mum will go for it though. You should feel very pleased that your partner is a decent man who loves and wants his child. You were always going to have to step up a little, she is his daughter for life, not just for alternate weekends.

ScaredBear · 20/10/2011 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LizzieMo · 20/10/2011 12:11

I feel for you both. It is a new relationship and this will test it. However, I can completely understand his worries. The only thing I can suggest is that you talk to him honestly. If this is going to be a relationship-breaker, surely it is better that it is out in the open now, so you can both make decisions about the future, rather than letting it fester and tehn having a bitter split later on down the road, with possibly your SD in the middle of it. I hope you both work it out somehow.

brianmayshair · 20/10/2011 12:11

Oh and just to mention you might not like it but he will or at least should always put her first.

worraliberty · 20/10/2011 12:11

Oh and you may have got involved with a man who sees his DD on alternate weekends, but surely you must know these things aren't written in stone and never should be?

What would happen if the mother had died? Would you still feel the same way?

mrskeithlemon · 20/10/2011 12:12

it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together

You don't deserve to be part of her life if you ask me

ScaredBear · 20/10/2011 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AKMD · 20/10/2011 12:12

You didn't get involved with a man who 'had his DD on alternate weekends', you got involved with a father whose DD exists all the time. If, heaven forbid, the mum and her new husband died, your DP would have full responsibility for the care of his DD and possibly, though probably not, the baby too. Parenting is in no way a part-time job, even if you don't live with your child/ren you are always responsible for them.

Original poster
feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:12

The other problem I have with telling him is he is using our relationship as one of the main reasons (in his court case), why his DD should stay in the Uk with us. He says in his papers stuff like we are getting married next year (news to me though we have talked about getting married), and that I finish work at 4 most days so could be around after school - but I don't want to be stuck doing these hours or anything!

I don't want to mess up his court case.

OP posts:
NorksAkimbo · 20/10/2011 12:13

YADBU!! He is her dad all the time...and he is absolutely right in fighting for her not to move so far away. So, basically, you're okay with him having a child, as long as you only have to see her on alternate weekends?

LEMONAIDE · 20/10/2011 12:13

I know its hard but they come as a package, if you cant understand that they quite frankly you shouldnt be with him.

You could make him choose between you and at only 6 months in he may choose you but long term he will resent you and think less of you for it - you are going to be the loser in this one.

He does need to understand though that she is his daughter and if she does live with you he will be expected to do the lions share of parenting.

NinkyNonker · 20/10/2011 12:14

In that case be honest and bail out now.

worraliberty · 20/10/2011 12:14

You won't mess up the court case

Courts are not stupid enough to believe anyone gets married purely because they've said they will.

Anyway, marriage is not a prerequisite to looking after your own child.

SansaLannister · 20/10/2011 12:15

I think you need to break this off and date only men who do not have children or have grown ones. You are doing yourself, this man and the child no favours here.

He should and always will put his child first. If you're not in full support of that, you need to move on.

This is a lot of why I refused to get involved with (or even go out with if I could help it) men who had children when I was single and childfree. I knew I was too selfish to cope with that and that that man and his child or children needed and deserved otherwise.