to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

[feelinghorrid]

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

I'm with Simone. How on earth is going to court to break up her current family unit good parenting. Presumably in Dubai the daughter would have her mother full time and her sibling, and instead her dad wants her here looked after by her stepmother while he works. WTF?

He would have to give up spending so much time on his hobby if she came to live with you, there is no doubt about it.

Do you actually love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him? If the answer is yes, then you need to support him and his dd. They come together and you cannot have one without the other. You can still be honest and tell him that you don't want to give up your life, but if you want to be with him, you will have to make some sacrifices if this actually happens.

If you don't see yourself marrying him and spending the rest of your life with him, then you owe it to him and his dd to be honest with yourslef and back out now. If she does end up living with you based on the commitment you and your DP have, you have made a commitment and should stick to it.

Yanbu.

I dont think I like the sound of your dp very much.

You have been with each other a short while, you literally just got together 5 minutes ago. He wants to separate his daughter from her mum and sister, and stepdad, move her away from friends and family to come and live with a stranger who is not keen on taking on a parenting role.
But he does not know this, because he has not even had the decency and courtesy to ask you. It is a pretty big assumption!
He is using you for his court case, lying about your assumed involvement.
I am not surprised you are having second thoughts!

He seems to be railroading both YOU and his own 8 year old DD into something neither of you possibly want, just for himself. He seem pretty selfish to me.
Not to mention the problems he is causing for the girls mum and stepdad, his job could be on the line for this.

Just because he does not get contact every 2 weeks like he is used to, this little girl will be ripped from her family to live with him.

I would be very unhappy if my dp was behaving like this. I would also question the relationship!

You need to be honest with him. For you, and his dd.

OP - I would be worried in this situation too as your partner doesn't sound as if he is thinking about his dd's interests at all (never mind yours). Of course he should discuss it with you and not just assume you'll leave work and pick her up at 4pm.

I can't see that a court would decide in his favour (is putting the case together enough to prevent his dd going - I have no idea).

ooh snap Akaem!

I agree with simoned I don't think this man is putting his child first at all. He should let her go.

Am aware I am a bit of a hypocrite though because hell would freeze over before I allowed my kids to live that far away from me. However I am 95% the main carer and their dad (ex h) just calls in when he feels like it, so it's a bit different.

I think your DP is unlikely to win this if it goes to court. At 8 the court will ask the DD what she wants and she will almost certainly say she wants to stay with her mum I'd have thought. Also, the presence of a half-sibling will also have influence, along with the length and perceived stability of the mum and step-dad's relationship (married) as opposed to the length and stability of yours and DPs relationship (6 months and unmarried).

That aside, it is extremely UNreasonable of your DP to speak for you in this matter and to have put your name down on court documents without speaking to you first. In his defence, this has probably snowballed and his focus on dealing with it probably meant he forgot to stop and consider the impact on you, assuming simply that you'd want what he'd want (which he should not have assumed, but it is understandable).

The fact that you now have doubts about the sincerity of his reasons for suggesting you move in together is a much, much bigger cause for concern and could cast an entirely different light on things.

If he only sees her everyother weekend and dumps her with a babysitter then how is seeing her in school holidays any different? 26 weekends a year=52 Days Vs his holiday entitlement taken during holidays (although I am suspecting he has better and more importantr things to use his holiday for?) and weekends during the many school holidays. Sounds like more access to me... Parents put ther children first so your DP doesn't sound like a parent to me. i would be wary about staying with this Man as he he doesn't seem to care about your thoughts, wants and feelings, or his daughters and I doubt that or his skewed priorities will change when you are older and might want to start a family.

Although I agree with much that has been said, I also don't think your DP has been very fair to you at all. He's assumed an AWFUL lot, and even told the courts you're getting married next year!! I would tread VERY carefully.

For you, I'd say "You got involved with a father and have to roll with it" however, I also want to say "IS your DP THAT into you? Does he love and respect you? Or are you just a pleasant pawn in his quest to keep hold of his dd?"

I only say that because of his assumptions. Its like he's already using you to 'win' this fight, will he also then use you as unpaid nanny, school pick ups? Will you be the one giving everything up to be the perfect step parent? Will it be you who misses out on his hobbies because he assumes you're fine to babysit?

You need to have a very serious discussion with him.

He may well adore you and his assumptions are based on his love for you, but he could just be taking the piss.

Talk with him tonight. You'll probably have a row, but you need to make him play fair.

I think a lot of the responses are harsh. You come across as reasonable & honest. Yes, you knew he had a daughter but the goalposts have changed massively. It's not even about shared residency which might have been easier to adapt to.

I think it is absolutely not on at all that he is including you in the terms of his appeal & is assuming you will take on after school care etc. without discussing it with you first. You say he is very angry about it all, & perhaps it's clouding his judgement. It shows a real flaw in his personality that he is making such assumptions. Nothing to do with loving his daughter, that is a separate issue.

That said, I agree that you need to be prepared for the relationship to end once you are clear about not wanting to be a carer. If he is already angry & not consulting you, he may say it's over.

What's the next big life change he's going to spring on you without asking your opinion on the matter? The way he's going about this shows a startling lack of respect for you. If I was you, I'd be far more concerned about that than about being left to do the school run while he works late. (Also not a good scenario!)

I think you are putting the horse before the cart. No court in the land will agree to the DD staying in the UK without her mother's permission, and I doubt very much that she will give it. And, anyway, he does not have the right to assume that the DD will want to leave her mother for 3 years. It ain't gonna happen!

The DD will still have the right to see her mother, so she will spend the next 3 years being shuttled back and forth between them. Your partner could get on a plane every 4 months and go over there, couldn't he?

BTW, what do you do on his access weekends - ignore the DD?

Haven't read whole thread. People who are saying you are young - I'm 21 with a 6 mo and its unbelievably tough. When DP isn't here and I'm having a bad day with her I really struggle. If you aren't sure then you shouldn't stay. No matter how lovely a child is they all have bad days and are nightmares sometimes. If you're not 100% sure you can cope with that then you shouldn't take on the DD. She is young, vulnerable and would be relying on you as a mother figure. Its unfair to her if you don't want this. Children are perceptive and can pick up on negativity - please walk away if you have the slightest doubt - she will have been through enough.

Totally agree with quintissential that he is using you for the court case and you need to get wise to this.
Also, he has been offered a job in Dubai by the partners DP but said no. That says it all for me. If he really wanted to be with his daughter he'd have snapped that up!

How much older than you IS this man?

Do you feel that he respect you? That your opinion count? That your job has any importance?

Yanbu . Your only 25 and have no kids of your own and it must feel like your dp is trapping you into being a mum before your ready.

It's pretty shit that he is LYING to the court , and using you to do it.

A man that is telling a court your getting married next year .
A man that is fabricating your working hours to suit his case
A man that is manipulating you and trying to maneuver you into being the "parent" so he can change very little about his life and have his dd full time.

Lovely bloke this man is .

By any chance did he and his ex spilt up because he's a manipulating control freak ?

You have been with him 6 months , and look what he's doing ....can you imagine how much of an arse he's going to be in 6 years ? .

Do yourself a favor and pack your bags and leave .

And I say this as a step- mum .

I disagree with the posts saying YABU.

I think you are quite right to be worried and cautious about this situation - indeed I think you are behaving with respect to the child be doing so. You do not see becoming a step parent as a step to be taken hurriedly, lightly or for the wrong reasons.

In your position I would be wanting to have a very detailed talk with your DP about how he imagines all this working on a day to day basis. This child is his daughter and if she is to live with you he should be her main carer - it is not for you to pick up his slack. That would not be fair on the child and it is not fair on you.

You need a serious talk about all this court paper stuff without consulting you too. I would be very angry in your position.

I think he plans on using you as a childminder from the sounds of things.

On the access weekends we have fun the three of us. We go on trips, for walks, play games, we have a good time. Don't think that DP 'dumps her with a babysitter', that has happened on a very occasional weekend evening but doesn't happen very much at all. I used that as an example of DP perhaps not thinking it through in terms of the impact it will have on all of us if she lives with us fulltime.

As I understand it, there is going to be a proper trial(?) - a big court case anyway, in London. Either DP's DD's mum will get permission to take his DD to dubai for 3 years or she won't. If she doesn't get permission she will have to choose between going with the stepfather (if he is still going to go, I don't know, DP thinks not), or staying with DP's DD.

DP thinks he has a good chance of stopping them taking his DD. But it is important for his case that he can show that, if they decided to go without her, she wouldn't suffer too much and he can look after her. Which he can do! He was a dad before I was in the picture after all! But to strengthen his case he has said these things which he didn't check with me first, and said some things which aren't necessarily always going to be true. Like about my shifts.

But he doesn't think her mum will go without her, he has said that to me.

feelinghorrid, you should not be feeling horrid at all. You are very honest, and brave to post your concern on a forum full of parents, you come across as dignified. Yes, you have chosen to be involved with a man who is a father. But like you say, his daughter has not featured heavily in his life so far. He only sees her every other weekend, and even then he leaves her with babysitters. How could you know that a man like this should suddenly turn around and want her to live with you full time, and for YOU to take on a mothering role while his life remains pretty much the same?

It beggars belief!

I don't like to be suspicious, but was he aware of his DD's possible move to Dubai when he asked you to move in?

'if your DP can't even manage to look after his DD for 2 weekends a month without prioritising his hobby over her then I doubt he will be given custody. If he did it would be a travesty. You are young with no children so i will tell you it is not OK or normal for a parent to leave a small child full time for work then for a demanding hobby 4 or 5 nights a week and for weekends. The clue is in the word parenting; you parent them. but your DP sounds like a selfish bastard bith towards you and his DD. Does he just want to punish his Ex or actually bring up his DD?'

The above, exactly. This is totally, totally wrong. I cannot believe that your 'D'P put you on the court documents, either with or without your consent, frankly - good god, he has known you for six months and he's putting you forward as a legal guardian for his child? Even if you agreed, that in itself shows a serious flaw in his parenting skills. To be blunt, your relationship is a fairly new one, no offence but it's not a given that you will be together in a year.

I'm not saying that he feels any need to punish his ex in any way, but it DOES sound as if he's seen the option of having his DD here, facilitated by YOU, and is jumping for it without, sadly, the slightest regard for his DD's actual wellbeing. Or yours. Or that of your relationship.

For his DD to be ordered to stay here, to be looked after mainly by a woman she hardly knows and who's been her dad's partner for only a short while, instead of living with her mum and sister, is not at all in her best interests. If her dad were to radically overhaul his working patterns and give up his hobby to accommodate the huge change, yes it would be less traumatic for her. But it doesn't sound as if he will.

As said above, him putting your name on the documents without having DAYS, WEEKS of heartfelt discussion with you on how you would both feel about it, is a massive, massive red flag. It shows more than anything else how he is thinking mainly of himself here. That he has little to no conception of how massive an upheaval a change in custody would be for his DD. He is on course to create one almighty mess if - heaven forbid - he gets his way.

You would very much be caught up in that mess. It is clear that your DP is acting extremely selfishly, thoughtlessly, and that doesn't bode well for your relationship anyway. I urge you to make it very clear to him that, six months in, you will NOT be a stepmother. That he WILL be taking sole responsibility for a very fragile child, should he get his way. That if he has any vision of the future which features him being able to continue as now with his hobby and working patterns, he needs an urgent rethink or to withdraw his application.

I really, really feel for his DD. If you have any fellow feeling for her, please don't feel that you can't rock the boat - rock it NOW, before it capsizes completely a couple of months after the poor little thing comes to live with you. Good luck.

I don't think people are being fair on you. Your dp sounds a right one. Super selfish to fight his ex in this way yet expecting you to be an unpaid childminder. Why can't he let her go with her family because they sound more like one than what he is offering. When I was 25 I would not have wanted to take on parenting someone elses child. I was hugely selfish and it would not have even been on my radar.

Well I might be wrong, but I think it's the stepfather who's BU for causing all this. It's only a job and he's messing up two families' lives by taking it. If there's an option for them to stay in the UK and he can still have a job here, that would surely be the best outcome for all?

I hope we do get married next year! I do love him and I love his DD too so far as I know her. But like I said in my first post, this stuff is a big shock and not what I imagined or wanted for my life.

He is 39, to the people who asked.