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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

360 replies

feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:04

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

OP posts:
Lucyinthepie · 20/10/2011 12:49

I think that regardless of how his custody claim will go, you need to have a careful think about this relationship. He has taken some very important action that would impact on your life without consulting you first. That would be a huge warning sign to me.

I don't think people are being fair on you. It might be one thing if he had spoken to you about this in advance, and had a plan ready that did not assume you would just step into the role of main carer for his daughter. But he did, and that was a pretty disgraceful way to behave. I think you need to have a careful think about your relationship. You've only been together 6 months, your young, you don't have children together and you could have a different life.

Dialsmavis · 20/10/2011 12:49

Yes Feelinghorrid my anger at the situation is not towards you. But if he is not wiolling to change his job and or Hobby she will suffer. Has your DP tried to get more access in the past or has he been happy with fortnightly? Ask him if he would still go for custody if he would be single Dad?

zingzillachinchilla · 20/10/2011 12:49

YABU - you knew he had a daughter when you got together. What would you say if something terrible happened to her mother and he was her sole parent left? I think the hobby / babysitter part is particularly insensitive - how would his daughter feel if she knew you felt that way? Poor child. You like her but you aren't ready to get that involved?? You might have given some thought to that before you moved in with DP.

FWIW, I wouldn't tell your DP how you feel... unless you wish him to choose, and as others have said, it won't be you he chooses. How about considering it a positive - you can get to know your DP's daughter and you never know, you might actually enjoy it. And what of your poor DP - he's going through hell right now, and you are worried about your time together?? Wakey wakey!

Original poster
feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:50

Oh we have known each other for 18 months, we just got together more recently. But I knew about his DD for long before that and we did 'like' each other.

I think I do need to talk to him, of course I do, but he is so stressed and upset by all this. Of course he is.

OP posts:
moonshineandspellbooks · 20/10/2011 12:50

Just out of interest, how equal is your relationship in other ways? Do you generally make decisions together? Who does the cooking? Who does the shopping and the cleaning? If these things fall largely to you then it will be you doing the lion's share of caring for your DPs DD.

Also, if your DP thinks he has a good chance of winning this case because he has lied about the facts (e.g. your willingness, your shifts, your impending marriage) then he probably isn't the best person to have her in all honesty. If he was the best choice he wouldn't have to lie.

Lucyinthepie · 20/10/2011 12:50

You might love him, but he's behaving like a shit towards you and I suspect towards his daughter as well. Does he know if she wants to be taken away from her mother for 3 years?

Lucyinthepie · 20/10/2011 12:51

"I think I do need to talk to him, of course I do, but he is so stressed and upset by all this. Of course he is."
Stop making excuses for him.

WhoIsThatMaskedWoman · 20/10/2011 12:51

There was a very sad thread recently where stepmothers were asked "if you had your time again, would you get involved with a man with children"

A horrifying majority said no, and most of these women were happily married with children from the relationship.

Can somebody find it please? I think the OP needs to read it before she marries this man.

HildaOgden · 20/10/2011 12:52

I would be very worried about sharing a future with a man who makes such presumptions about what you are willing to accept.It's very handy for him to have a fiance/stepmother/live in babysitter in the event of a custody battle.

Talk to him.Live separately for a while.But don't sign yourself up to full time step-motherhood unless you are truly committed to it.It's not fair on the child,and it's not fair on you.

It's hunky-dory for him though.I think he sounds quite selfish,actually.

pigletmania · 20/10/2011 12:52

Yabvu and were very naive when starting the relationship with your dp. You knew he has a child who quite possibly want to live with him in the future. They come as a package and will always be his dd even after you have gone. I do suggest as it's still early days that if you are not happy you leave the relationship, or live separately for the time being

DroveABroomstick · 20/10/2011 12:53

If dp wont listen to you , and insists on going down this route with no repsct for your Wishes and feelings I'd phone his lawyer and inform him of your actual circumstances before this goes to trial .

Your working hours and that you have not agreed to marry dp next year and that you will not be available to pick up from school ect .

Also say that should you be used in court you will tell the judge that dp is committing perjury with the knowledge of his lawyer.

That should sort him out .

It's a shit thing to try take a happy child away from a happy loving mother and sibling. If she was a crap mum , then it would be diffent , but the wee girl is loved and looked after well. As for not seeing the dd , do they not have hotels in Dubai ? Who doesn't like holidays somewhere hot and sunny ? .

dramatrauma · 20/10/2011 12:53

Set aside the whole swirling DD issue for a moment. Let's assume he had said, "Hey, you know I've been running this business for 8 years now, and we're really growing, and I'm taking out a huge loan to expand. So I'm putting you down on the loan as a signatory. And you'll need to work maybe 20 hours/week at my company, in addition to your own job. Now, there's a love, sign here."

The problem for you isn't just that you don't want to be a Mum yet. It's your relationship with him. You may, or may not, enjoy having his DD living with you. But you'll never enjoy being treated like a doormat!

noddyholder · 20/10/2011 12:54

What makes him think seeing her once a fortnight and having such a time consuming hobby is conducive to better parenting than 2 parents who parent her all the time plus a sibling? He sounds like he is trying to get one over on his ex! Why has he not wanted to see her more while they are living in teh same country? I would be very wary of this man if I was you he has control freak written all over him

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 12:55

"But he doesn't think her mum will go without her, he has said that to me."

So what is his real motivation?

Getting his dd to live with him full time?
Splitting up his dds family?

What does he want to get out of this?

ConstanceTenchOfZombies · 20/10/2011 12:55

What's a person to do, never get into a relationship with someone if they have children just in case the mother may leave them with you permanently and you have to rethink your lives together?

It's a lot to suddenly have to consider after only 6 months into a relationship isn't it?

I see why he's building the homely picture as this may help his case, but has he really considered how he would make things work with her care if you weren't there? 6 months is very early days IMO, and what if the new living arrangements will be the breaking of the relationship?

He needs to be sure that what he's trying to do is really the best for his daughter and not just about not letting his ex take her away from him.

pigletmania · 20/10/2011 12:56

You both have moved too far too soon, don't even think about marriage right now until you have dealt with the issue of his dd moving in and the impact on your life.you have to talk to your do about this and your feelings

PhilipJFry · 20/10/2011 12:57

Having read your posts if she did come and live with you I have a nasty feeling that you would end up doing the lion's share of the work while he carried on as normal.

You need to start worrying about why you haven't discussed any of the things he's mentioned: getting married, being the one that picks her up, your relationship being used as part of the argument for her staying. WHY haven't you discussed this? Why is he just going ahead and saying all of these things without even mentioning it to you?

It doesn't bode well for the future and like I said, I reckon he'll be expecting you to do a lot more and won't bother communicating over it. Because so far that's what he's done.

Lucyinthepie · 20/10/2011 12:57

I think some people are being blinded by their maternal instincts. It is one thing to have room for a step-child in your life, it is something entirely different to have your partner decide you will become their child's primary carer for 3 years. How about if this man had come to Op and told her what he wanted to do, and that as a result he'd need to cut his working hours a bit and their income would drop, and he needed to discuss the whole thing with her? Wouldn't that have been a bit more reasonable? He's just assumed that he can impose a huge change on their lives that will actually have much more impact on him than her. Of course she's not being unreasonable to question that FFS!

Original poster
feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:57

He thinks that the stepfather will turn down the job and they will all stay in the UK.

He thinks that his DD being in Dubai away from him for so long will be terrible for her, and she should stay here and things should continue as they are. But he is also asking for shared residency and that his DD is with us more, for example an extra day a week.

She is here for a 'long' weekend already, she sleeps her on friday night as well.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 20/10/2011 12:57

I would tell him, as the worst outcome would be his DD being split from her stepsister and mum and being looked after by someone who can't/doesn't want to.

DroveABroomstick · 20/10/2011 12:58

He's 39 and your 25 .

He doesn't ask you if he can use you in court .

He lies ...to his lawyer /court (and probably you too )

Anyone else's red flags going off !

dramatrauma · 20/10/2011 12:58

this stuff is a big shock and not what I imagined or wanted for my life

Keep repeating this to yourself. You need to remember who you are in all of this. Because he doesn't sound prepared to ask.

Can't you just move out for a bit, to give everyone (especially you) a chance to process all of this? You need some space.

Original poster
feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:58

We have talked about getting married! We both want to. But I was surprised he gave a vague date etc on his papers. But that was on the advice of his solicitor.

OP posts:
screamingbohemian · 20/10/2011 12:58

I think your DP is being massively selfish. He is not putting his DD's interests first and seems willing to break up her family just to get his way. Putting a little girl through a court trial, with her parents fighting over her? Saying he's willing to separate her from her mum and sister? Blimey.

I also think it's no coincidence he asked you to move in right after he found out about this. I mean, honestly, you really think there's no connection???

You are young, it's a new relationship, you didn't sign up for any of this and I don't think you should go along with it. You would basically be party to some quite nasty and selfish behaviour that will be damaging to that poor little girl.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/10/2011 13:01

In his defence though DroveABroomstick if it were my child and my ex was planning to move to Dubai with him, I'd resort to desperate, somewhat dishonest measures too.

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