to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

[feelinghorrid]

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

Well yes he did only have her alternate weekends but children quite often switch between which parent they live with, perhaps you didnt think this through before moving in with him?

I went out with a man who had a child years ago - . I can remember him telling me once that he told his daughter "pretend you are my sister" when he was out with her and saw a girl he liked - I wouldnt have got majorly involved with him because I wasnt interested at that stage in taking on a family but nevertheless I stil thought less of him for it.

Any father who has anything about him will move heaven and earth to do the best for their child, that is the man you are with, if you want fun and irresponsibility then there are plenty of boys about.

Good god, why feel obligated to parent when you don't want to? You're under no obligation to be part of this? Bail now! God, back when I was 25 and single and childfree, I'd have run a mile from any guy the moment he said he had kids. It just wasn't for me.

i think you should move out again and just date him. you have a right not to be a step parent if you dont feel ready but that girl has a right to her father and you dont trump that

That's exactly what I was going to say.

OP, if you move out you can give him and his DD some space to get used to their new surroundings/relationship.

The little girl in particular will need extra love and care as she'll be missing her Mum.

You can still carry on dating him, but take it more slowly and build a relationship with his DD.

Yes as Saintly said- what does the little want?

'I think he should've asked me first before he told the court system I was happy to co-parent fulltime'

Oh.

Yes, have that chat.

You really need to. Like now.

Stop flaming the OP.

She's 25, 6 months into a relationship where she sees her DP's daughter every other weekend.

Now she's being put on legal documents as a main carer for a child to live with them permanently.

You need to be honest with him now. You also need to talk to him about what his DD wants/needs. If she gets left behind whilst her mother and stepdad go away with the new baby how will she feel?

What a horrible situation for everyone. No one 'wins' whatever outcome is achieved.

Don't feel guilty. Being honest about your feelings is far better than giving the impression you're as keen as your DH and then feeling very resentful when the DSD moves in. She'll pick up on it no matter how careful you are and feel very unhappy. Also, you're not being unreasonable. Yours is a very new, 'untested' relationship and this wasn't part of the deal when you originally moved in together. It doesn't make you a bad person to feel like this. It's a natural reaction to what would be a huge, life-changing event.

What contact has the mother suggested? Obviously it wouldn't be anywhere near what your DP is getting now, but is it reasonable under the circumstances? I can totally understand why your DP feels the way he does, BTW. He's not being remotely unreasonable to hate this and to want his DD to live with him.

However, ultimately a decision has to based on what's best for his DD. All the research shows that a child's outcome is most affected by the life of the parent with care, and it is unusual to alter residency arrangements unless either both parents want to or there is good reason (such as inability to care properly for a child). The DD is likely to want to stay with her mother because this is all she knows and she has a half-sibling. She will undoubtedly suffer if she feels caught between both her parents.

If your DP forces his X to stay, there is a good chance the relationship between the two of them will completely break down (though it may anyway if the X moves away anyway). Why does your DP feel his DD will suffer in Dubai? Does he have concerns about the prevailing culture or education (bearing in mind that the international schools over there are generally considered excellent, I believe). Or is it more about her not being able to have a proper relationship with him (which again I would totally understand).

From my POV (and this is only MY opinion) I think the best thing for your DP would be to let his DD go TBH. Yes it will be devastating for him but the alternative would be more damaging to his DD, who ultimately is more important than the needs of either parent.

Hope you all manage to find a solution.

I never said I would ask him to choose! Don't be ridiculous. I don't want this to be happening but I would NEVER say he should let her go if that isn't what he wants.

But I don't think the life 'we' would be offering would be right for his DD. I don't think it's fair that she should be taken to Dubai either! Of course not. But DP is out 4/5 nights a week and is very busy on the weekends. We have even sometimes left his DD with a sitter during her time here so it's hard to imagine he'd give up his hobby and I certainly wouldn't.

Also he finishes work at 7pm - I finish at 4 as I've said, but that's because of my current shift pattern. So realistically he's expecting me to be looking after her in the evenings (or we hire a childminder?)

I don't know if his DD's mum would leave without her. She is 'considering it' but I don't know what that means. I do know there's a lot of pressure on her from the stepdad.

I don't blame you for feeling like that. I would have done at your age.

But I'm afraid there isn't much you can do if that's how things work out. His daughter will come first with him and so she should. Accept it (whole-heartedly!) or leave the relationship.

YANBU to feel that way but YABU if you don't see that his DD has to come first.
You seem to have rushed into all this very rapidly?you've only been with him for six months but you moved in "a few months" ago? And now you might involuntarily become a stepmother. Doesn't sound as if you're ready for that, perhaps you should move on and not add any further stress to your DP's life.

Yeah, he's just expecting you to step up to the mic and take over the parenting.

Honestly, bail now. 6 months into it and this is how it's going?

I don't actually think there is anything wrong with how you are feeling and I speak as the adoring mum of two perfect children . I quite respect you for being honest about it.

However you need to tell him NOW to allow him to plan and make choices based on the true situation.

IMO not enough people are up front about this kind of thing hence the misery and difficult relationships between many step parents and children. The dd totally comes first, she is a child, so you will have to finish the relationship if you genuinely feel this way. As long as you know this and are willing to do it there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling.

What is the hobby?

Well if you move out & she moves in then you´re likely to see a lot less of him anyway.

Is it likely that he will be able to stop the family moving or force them to leave the daughter thereby splitting that family up?

I can see his point-but if it really is only for three years..

OP-you can´t expect him not to do what he´s doing in this situation, but if it´s not for you it´s not.

She could perhaps want to move in when older & the pair of you had a family of your own.

It´s not just what is happening now that needs thinking about necessarily.

What's your hobby?

Seeing as he is going to move heaven and hell to get her to stay do not for a second think you would be able to convince him otherwise.

either accept it or break up with him because you will not win if you tell him she cannot stay.

Of course his DD must come first.

But like someone said, I am being put on these court documents.

I moved in after the riots, but it was his idea. But this was also a few weeks after his DD's mum dropped this bombshell! So for the first time I am wondering if the two are related.

He said that his solicitor drew up his proposal to the court and said he should put in the bits about us getting married and my shifts.

The contact his DD's mum is suggesting is that they come back to the UK for the school holidays. They offered DP a job in the husband's company in dubai! He said no of course.

I feel like I can't really 'back out' just because I am scared - she's a lovely girl and I do love my DP. Also I'd need to find a flat etc. I did want us to get more serious but this has all happened really quickly. And it feels 'forced' because of what is happening.

if your DP can't even manage to look after his DD for 2 weekends a month without prioritising his hobby over her then I doubt he will be given custody. If he did it would be a travesty. You are young with no children so i will tell you it is not OK or normal for a parent to leave a small child full time for work then for a demanding hobby 4 or 5 nights a week and for weekends. The clue is in the word parenting; you parent them. but your DP sounds like a selfish bastard bith towards you and his DD. Does he just want to punish his Ex or actually bring up his DD?

YANBU at all. He hasn't consulted you as to whether you would be happy with the situation. He hasn't given you the option to move out and date him, or the opportunity to get to know his daughter properly, he's just assumed you are ready to be full time mum of an 8 year old you don't really know.

Whoa, didn't see the part about the court documents and him simply deciding you'd be happy about this without talking to you first! I think you should move out, because

1. I cannot imagine my life partner taking such a huge decision without discussing it with me first - that's a big waving red flag

2. He will need to consider how he will parent his child, without you picking up the slack (or doing most of the work). He'll need to give up some of his hobbies, arrange school pick up, and playdates, and take her to ballet, and football, and get her dinner, and make her breakfast, and...

Talk to him now!

feelinghorrid Thu 20-Oct-11 12:23:48

"But I don't think the life 'we' would be offering would be right for his DD. I don't think it's fair that she should be taken to Dubai either! Of course not. But DP is out 4/5 nights a week and is very busy on the weekends. We have even sometimes left his DD with a sitter during her time here so it's hard to imagine he'd give up his hobby and I certainly wouldn't."

He sounds a right charmer

I think you both need to get your heads round the fact that while you cannot be expected to be a parent if you don't want to, he is and has been for some time, and this takes precedent over his amusements. A child is something different from a hobby.

Why do you want to make your life with a man who can't give up on his social life to look after his own daughter? How would you expect him to behave to you if something happened- if you were ever ill or injured or in trouble?

Everyone is praising the OPs DH for putting the child first, but is he really or is he just doing this for (understandably) selfish reasons. His daughter is likely to have a better standard of living in Dubai than in the UK and will be with her current family unit - her Mum, her SD and her siblings. OPs DH works long hours and is v busy at the weekends. She is likely to be left with sitters or a SM thats not ready to accept the responsibility. How can this be better for the child?
OP, you need to have a serious discussion with your OP asap
FWIW I dont think the Mother will consider this an option for a single second

Actually now I am writing this out, I know for sure I see my future with DP and his DD if that is how the cards fall.

To the people who asked, I think that realistically he is expecting that if the courts say his DD must stay in the UK her mum won't go either. The stepdad might though.

I just think he hasn't acted as I would hope and is making big assumptions about his ability to care for his DD fulltime and about my ability to do it as well.

We're just not a couple with a child! We're not. You would never guess. But I suppose most couples start that way.

I was all set to tell you your quilling and table tennis or whatever activities you partake in of an evening are secondary to your DP's relationship with his daughter but having read your other posts you need to have a good talk with him. He is making assumptions about you and your ability to be a mother to this child. He is using your relationship to win. He is prepared to split his daughter from her sister (and it sounds like you don't approve either).

Your place in this is to decide how involved you want to be and be prepared to walk away if necessary. You need to think of you first and accept he will think of himself and his relationship with his daughter first.

we're not all praising the dh- I think he sounds like a jerk if he expects the OP to look after his child while he is swanning around enjoying his hobbies