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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

360 replies

feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:04

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 20/10/2011 12:15

She is his daughter, but if you live together as a family you would have to learn to treat her with the respect that you would treat your own, and put yourself out for them the same way.

So, either do this willingly and with an open mind, or leave now. Dont force him to choose etc.

AKMD · 20/10/2011 12:15

Be honest and bail out. Your DP clearly has long-term plans for you and is relying on you to look after his DD. If you don't want that, you absolutely must say so.

Original poster

feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:16

I didn't really know his DD. Like I said, I only moved in a couple of months ago. Before that I knew DP through our hobby and I knew he had a DD but he didn't talk about her much or anything. I barely know her and have only been with him for a few months. It's hard to say I want to basically adopt her just from that!

I think he should've asked me first before he told the court system I was happy to co-parent fulltime and before he told her mum to go without her!

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 20/10/2011 12:16

He sounds like a wonderful father and I think they would all be better off if you walked away now as she will always come before you and that is right.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a full time carer to this child, and you have been very honest, but you can not string him along.

Be prepared for him to say bye to you though if you decide to give him an ultimatum.

Kids should come before a 6 month old relationship.

Marne · 20/10/2011 12:16

Does his dd want to stay behind and not see her mother for 3 years?

I can see why you are worried, it is hard work taking on a child (and one you hardly know), how old is she?

When i met dh i considered from the start 'what would happen if anything happened to his ex and considered that we may have to have the step children living with us, although it is a scary thought i would have taken any of them in if we had too as they are dh's children (and come as IYKWIM).

I think that the people who are saying YABU are being a bit harsh but then again you should have considered this when you got together with him. Chances are she will decide to go with her mother which would be the best outcome for her and you (but not dp). You need to sit down and discus this with dp.

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 20/10/2011 12:17

i think you should move out again and just date him. you have a right not to be a step parent if you dont feel ready but that girl has a right to her father and you dont trump that.

cory · 20/10/2011 12:17

I think you just have to accept that his responsibilities to his daughter come before his responsibilities to you. You cannot be forced to look after his daughter, but he cannot be forced to stay with you if that clashes with her needs.

Hullygully · 20/10/2011 12:17

You are very young, and yes it isn't what you signed up for, and isn't what you want. So you do need to tell him right now before he goes ahead on the basis you are in it together.

Dialsmavis · 20/10/2011 12:17

YABU but I expect most people of your age and situation to feel the same (I would in your shoes but I am a bad and selfish person). To be honest if you plan to both work full time and then leave the poor girl with a babysitter in the evenings then your DP is a selfish twat for considering this and I doubt he would get custody anyway. You need to be honest if this situation is something you don't want to happen. imagine the poor little thing in a new school, without her other family, dumped with a babysitter most nights and looked after by a SM who doesn't want her there.

AKMD · 20/10/2011 12:17

You can't give him an ultimatum to choose between you and his child Either accept the responsibilities that may eb coming your way with a cheerful heart or walk away now.

UnDeadDolly · 20/10/2011 12:18

I don't think you are BU for feeling like you don't want the responsibility, I can understand that. But you are BU if you think you can ask your DP to choose between you and his DD (that is basically what you'd be asking him to do if you told him your misgivings)
I think you know that ultimately he will (and should) choose his DD over you. So I would keep stum about it and decide for yourself if you are willing to make the sacrifices in order to be with this man. If you aren't ready to, then you should support him as a friend and move out.
He sounds like a great dad and you should be proud to be with someone like that. Poor DD though

SarahBumBarer · 20/10/2011 12:19

Oh dear - step parents do get a hard time on here but in this case YABU!

She is his daughter not a club membership. The fact that he had her on alternate weekends does not mean that is how things stay. It just means that was what he throught was for the best at the time. Can't be much of a relationship if after all this time you did not realise just how important his DD is to him and if you are not prepared for the commitment that your DP having a daughter could mean (what if her mum was ill or heaven forbid died or somesuch) then you should get out now. It does not get any easier.

cory · 20/10/2011 12:19

I would look a little narrowly at this man, though. It does seem as if he is expecting you to pick up the slack in terms of providing any work he happens to need without being asked: that could impact on more parts of your relationship than just the current one.

Dialsmavis · 20/10/2011 12:19

Is the Mother even considering leaving her DD behind?

Original poster

feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:19

But if he does win and her mum does go away of course I will do my best - like I said she's lovely.

But her mum and stepdad and half-sister just going away is going to mess her up horribly and she is going to need a lot of support and tbh I am not even sure DP is best placed to do that. But I can see why for him it is better than the alternative.

The thing is though he is saying (in court), that he is also offering a stable 'family life', against the 'family life' of her mum stepdad and half-sister. So if I wasn't in the picture that might hurt his chances?

OP posts:

AKMD · 20/10/2011 12:19

I am younger than you. parenting at this age is not impossible but it has to be what you want.

SansaLannister · 20/10/2011 12:19

Look, there's a whole world out there of men who don't have kids. Honestly, life's too short if this isn't what you want or need. Move out and move on! Why even date him? He's got more baggage than you care to cope with. There's nothing wrong with admitting that to him and you and moving on. You're 25, FGS.

SkinnyGirlBethany · 20/10/2011 12:19

Op I can understand your pov as my kids r young and I can remember being child free. However when you date a guy with kids and build a life with them you have to try to understand the love he has for them and hopefully share it. You will understand how unreasonable you are being when you have children of your own. As a step parent you are never 'right' but honesty is the best policy to your Dp but please don't let his dd know your feelings.

sleepevader · 20/10/2011 12:19

You won't get a warm response from alot of posters about step parenting problems especially in the aibu topic. Maybe consider posting in step parenting.

I would have strong reservations about DPs children coming to live with us and I have known them for alot longer, have children of my own and one due together. Contact and residency are two completely different things. You need to decide if you can take all this on board and if you can't make an early exit in the relationship- it only gets harder!

ScaredBear · 20/10/2011 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SimoneD · 20/10/2011 12:20

I think your DP is probably acting out of sheer panic but he is being v unreasonable in assuming that you will be OK with this situation without even discussing it with you. You're his partner and he should have talked to you before using you in the court case and assuming you will be OK with his daughter moving in with you. You really need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Good luck.

dramatrauma · 20/10/2011 12:20

YANBU to feel like this, of course it's not what you thought you'd signed up for. But you YABU to expect any other outcome than your DH wanting his daughter to live with him.

You should tell him how you feel, though, because a good relationship needs you to talk about the difficult issues. He needs to know you're less than welcoming about this. If you close the door on her moving in with you, then I hope he puts her first and ends your relationship. If you really, truly don't want children, well that's understandable - but this may be the end of the line for your marriage. And I would hope you would step aside gracefully rather than forcing him to choose between the two of you.

TheOriginalFAB · 20/10/2011 12:20

He has made massive assumptions about what you are willing to do and you really need to talk to each other.

ShroudOfHamsters · 20/10/2011 12:20

You are being very unreasonable in the sense that you shuld always expect his daughter to come first - your DP didn't foresee this turn of events, now it's happened, I don't think you can be anything other than fully supportive of his entirely reasonable reaction not to want to be spearated from his child.

But you are not unreasonable to feel that at 25 and not a long way into a relationship, you are not ready to take on a heavy-duty parenting role. This is what you need to make clear to your DP. Schools? Settling in? Missing her mum and sister? Clothes/toys/friends/food? All your DP's responsibility - not yours. Not yet. As long as you make this clear, that is fine. He cannot and should not expect you to be stepping up to any role you do not feel ready for.

Of course, this will change your relationship if she does come to live with him. Maybe you might even decide to split, or to live apart for a while again. A lot will depend on your DP - if you think that there is a chance that he is thinking that his DD coming to live with him will all be peachy and easy because he'll have you to pick up the slack/be the mum figure - disabuse him of that notion now. On the other hand, if he's a good, active, doting dad, I don't see why the new arrangements can't work out perfectly fairly for you all.

Have an honest chat with him about how he sees things working.

saintlyjimjams · 20/10/2011 12:20

Does his daughter want to be separated from her mother and sibling?

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