to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

[feelinghorrid]

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

I'm sorry Op, I'm out, you're not really acknowledging a lot of the concerns people are raising.
If you're happy to become a mum for 3 years then sit tight, it's unlikely but it might happen.
If you aren't happy to do that then dedide what you do want and sit your partner down and have a clear discussion about it. The choice is yours.

I think your DP is being massively selfish. He is not putting his DD's interests first and seems willing to break up her family just to get his way. Putting a little girl through a court trial, with her parents fighting over her? Saying he's willing to separate her from her mum and sister?

Agree. Red flags going up here too.....

I agree with DialsMavis; a man who can't put his hobbies aside for the relatively little contact he already has is not a fantastic father.

I'm a step-mum too, and was very young when I met DP (I was 19, DSD was 4). Our relationship also moved quickly and we were living together after 6 months, but no matter what no plans were made for contact days unless DSD could be included, or unless it was something like a wedding/funeral! And we had contact 2 evenings and every weekend.

If DP hadn't been such a committed father, it would have definitely put me off him and given me serious doubts about having children with him. Putting hobbies before his limited time with his daughter is quite sad I think, and certainly not deserving of full residency.

Do you think he genuinely wants full residency or could he be doing this to spite his ex and mess up her plans? Who left who?

DSD moved in with us age 13, when I was 20wks preg with Ds1, her decision but one DP and I fully supported. The stress of the Court case wasn't easy during an already difficult pregnancy but DP and I were in it together and discussed every aspect, the fact your DP hasn't speaks volumes IMO.

I'm afraid I'm with the majority here, who are saying it might be time to sit down and really think about your life long term with this man. He doesn't sound like much of a catch tbh.

Liars and manipulators don't discriminate about who they lie to and he sounds like both.
Whether you are right or wrong to feel the way you do is besides the point. He should have asked you. But then again, whether you are younger than him or not you are an adult and for the sake of your own sanity, as well as the child's, you need to speak up.
It must be a horrible situation for him. I would like to think that if i were in this situation I would be fine with having DSD live with us but I can't be sure. Although the child has a right to a relationship with dad as much mum. There isn't a lot of contact att he moment. I don't see why he hasn't got a better contact agreement if his child is so important to him?

One way you could clarify your thinking on this is to ask yourself: What would I feel more guilty about:

1. Not supporting my DP in a decision he made unilaterally but that had life-changing consequences for me.

1. The damage done to a little girl if she moves in with us on the basis that I will be a willing long-term SM only to find that I can't handle it and/or the relationship breaks down.

1. Waking up in 15 years time horrified at being swept along by a decision I didn't make for myself and wondering if this was the life I really wanted.

You say he turned down the job in Dubai, of course

Why of course? Lots of people would jump at that chance.

Oh sorry, I see he has asked for shared residency.

The hobbies will have to go, not yours, but his. No parent i have ever met has lots of hobbies that they can do all week long. It's not real life.

If you cannot discuss this with your DP then you should not be in this relationship. End of.

Even if DD's Mum and family stay put, and there is no change in living arrangements, you're in trouble.

I haven't read all the thread OP, but I have read all your posts and they are giving me misgivings.

Your partner currently sees his DD every other weekend (nothing during the week?) but sometimes needs a sitter even for those two days out of fourteen. he is willing to separate her from her mother, stepfather and baby sister (whom you say she adores) for three years, but you don't think he will change his current lifestyle to accommodate her constant presence in the household - which does seem unlikely if he won't even accommodate giving her his full attention on alternate weekends.

He uses your relationship in papers submitted to court as justification for asking for full custody of his DD. HE DID NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH YOU BEFOREHAND. He is calculating that your current working hours allows you to do school pick-ups, so that he need not change his working hours. And he asked you to move in "a few weeks after his DD's mum dropped this bombshell!" You "have only been with him for a few months" - and it was a few months ago that DD's stepdad was offered the Dubai job.

Sorry, but not only does it sound as if he is trying to control his ex ("I think that realistically he is expecting that if the courts say his DD must stay in the UK her mum won't go either."), it also sounds like he is trying to control YOU. ("I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.")

I really think you need to step back from this. This is between him and his ex, and you are being railroaded.

YANBU op, I think your feelings and worries are genuine and well meant, and I don't think it's fair to flame you for not being ready to practically 'adopt' your OH's DD as you put it. The amount of responsibility your OH is putting on you is a worry, and I think really unfair of him. Expecting his significant other to facilitate his relationship with his DD, in the face of massive upheaval and unsettling i.e. she's left behind by her mum, SDad and Dsis, is a huge imposition and grossly unfair of your OH to expect of you. Fair enough, you are in an relationship and a certain degree of support is implied by that, but this is taking that expectation onto an whole other level IMO. He cannot make assumptions and exclude you in a decision making process that will have huge implications that will impact your life, without even discussing it with you. That is a massive reg flag to me.

Your OH needs to know that if he wishes to take on the responsibility of being main carer for his DD for 3 years, then that is his responsibility. Everything to do with her upbringing will be down to him, and he'll need to work around that, not you. I can't imagine how that little girl will feel, being parted from the family she's always lived with, and then not seeing much of the dad who fought to be the one to care for her. Your OH needs to understand the level of sacrifice that responsibility usually requires. His hours changing to be there for his DD, not you. His hobby taking a back seat 'cos that little girl is going to need all the love and support that he can muster, if he gets his way. It sounds like he is only thinking of the practicalities of how he would look after his DD, assuming you'll pick up the slack, and life will tick along nicely as normal. Never mind he'll have a very mixed up, sad, and confused little girl whose family could potentially leave her behind. Has he factored this into his plans? Has he even given any thought to how deeply affected his DD could be by such a massive upheaval? And although I hate to dismiss his input and involvement in his DD's life, her moving to Dubai for 3 years, and seeing your OH in the holidays isn't as much of a shift in her normal life pattern i.e. time spent in his company, when compared to what she will lose if she comes to live with you, while her mother is in Dubai with her sister and step dad.

If I'm honest, I'm not sure your OH will be successful, but if there is a chance of this, you need to put him straight on what that means for him and his DD. You can of course help and support a much as you can, but this burden is not yours, and your OH needs to wake up to this pretty quickly. Dealing with the practicalities is one thing - ignoring the emotional toll this will have on an 8yr old girl is a whole different issue, and one that he needs to think more about. It is completely unfair to expect you to shoulder that responsibility, no matter how in love you are with him.

Yes I think it's also a red flag that you feel you can't talk to him because he's so stressed

Is this what he's telling you?

It's precisely when things are stressful that you need to communicate, because you need to come up with a plan to deal with things together

The Mother will never agree to it. She either wont go or the courts will say she can go and she will. It would be a RARE Mother who left her DD behind to follow her DH to Dubai.

Your DHs feelings are understandable though...

OP, be careful, there are red flags all over this and this man is showing some very unpleasant colours once the chips are down. 39? You are a lot younger. Ask yourself what the balance of power really is in the relationship. The fact that he has spoken for you and basically lied to the court about your agreed involvement is very serious - and shows a stunning disregard for your opinions and feelings.

You've known him 18 months and you hope you'll get married next year? I would want to consider that life-changing decision a LOT longer I'm afraid - especially in light of this.

Your shifts? It's his daughter. The question should be, how is HE going to change HIS shifts?

Don't you see - the fact that he isn't thinking -'yes, but when it comes down to it feelinghorrid doesn't really know DD yet, this is MY thing, MY daughter, I have to step up and be there if I'm going to make her go through this traumatic change in her life' - the fact that he isn't thinking that is what is making everyone here shout out a warning to you. He seems as dismissive of her feelings as yours. It's as if he's seen a nice rosy vision of the future where he gets to be Daddy disappearing to work, coming in to ruffle DD's hair and eat dinner before merrily going about his business as before... while YOU actually pick up the slack. As if he can move everyone around the chessboard to accommodate this vision of the future and what they want or feel doesn't matter.

I have to say, what also rings alarm bells is that when he does have access, a lot of the time she is palmed off to baby sitters. How much does he value and enjoy spending time with her, as opposed to valuing the idea that he has contact and time with her? This should give you more idea than anything else how caring for her is actually going to pan out. Somehow I have serious doubts that he sees this as changing HIS life as much as it should do.

Forget him being 'upset' - what's far more important is what his reaction is if you say to him, how are you going to feel when you have to cut back on your hobby and watch me going off without you - are you going to resent DD for needing you to be with her lots over the next three years?' See what he says...

Jen , but I bet you wouldn't have turned down a well paid job where the child was going either .

It's not about being near his dd , it's about control . He said he think his ex won go if he gets residency . He really has no intention of being a full time dad .
Can't you see that ?

OP take a good look at moonshine 's post, and read it over and over - especially point 3 .

I have been a stepmother for nearly 13 years, it's very very hard. That is all.

Fwiw I think he would lose anyway

Is it a PSO he has filed?

OP - I actually think your DP is being unreasonable, I think that he should have tried to sort this out without the need for a big trial, I know that isn't always possible, but Dubai really isn't that far away, yes it is too far for every other weekend access, but there are long periods of school holidays when he could have his DD instead, if he had her at Christmas, Easter and Summer holidays for the 3 years his ExP and family are out there he could maintain contact with his daughter.

I can't imagine your DP's poor DD having to go through this (I know that it is a sad reality that many custody battles end up this way) but I would imagine that at 8 his DD's wishes would be taken into consideration, does she even want to be separated from her mum? I think that your DP should be thinking about what his daughter wants first and foremost and then try to work around that i.e. if she wants to stay with her mum then he should arrange to have her for long holidays etc.

I have a friend whose DP is working in the middle east at the moment and she has had to stay here with the children and he comes back every 6 weeks to see them, it is hard but it is short term.

I agree with other posters though that your DP comes part and parcel with his DD and if you don't want them as a package then you need to walk away, his child has to come first.

He is actually proposing to separate an 8 year old girl from her mum and baby sister

Even if he's just doing it to get what he wants, I could never be with someone capable of that level of emotional blackmail

[shrug] Just move out. then it won't be an issue.

Run.

Not because he has a DD but because he has scripted your life for you without consulting you and from what you have posted he moved you in to strengthen his case.

It is a mess but at 6 months in and 25 years old I wouldn't be making it my mess.

Well I have to agree with others who don´t really like the sound of him.

I can´t for the life of me see why he sees so little of her tbh.

And of course he doesn´t want her to go away for three years-for himself.

But what might she get out of it?

No matter how stressed he is, you need to have the conversation about how you would parent as a couple if he gained custody. As him about his hobbies and his work and his shifts. Ask him what happens if she is ill. Will he take time off work? It shouldn't need to be you doing all this planning/working out practicalities (he is the parent after all) but you need to find out how much thought he has honestly given to being a full time parent.

So many of your posts suggest to me that he just wants to control events and prevent his ex going abroad. It sounds to me as if he doesn't really want custody for the sake of his child, he just doesn't want anyone else to mess up his life.

One of the really big red flags here (aside for this mans astounding selfishness and manipulative skills) is that the poor Feelinghorrid does not feel she can speak her mind about how she feels. He is making lifechanging decisions for her, yet she feels unable to speak her mind.

This does not bode well.