So - boy in dd's class turns up on our doorstep this evening, with his mother

[shagmundfreud]

... to complain that dd was nasty to him in dt today. Both children are in year 8 and have known each other since nursery (went to the same primary).

No suggestion of systematic bullying or physical violence, just a nasty comment about dd not wanting him to sit on their table. In response he cussed dd, and cussed me (apparently). This is no surprise to me - kids at dd's tough inner city comprehensive are mouthy and can be casually very rude to each other. He said that dd was pathetic and had cried a lot at primary school - not very nice as she'd had an episode of being very unhappy and had self-harmed in year 6 which had led to a referral to
CAMHS. Her response was to point out that his mother had said to her that he was lonely at school, and in dd's opinion that was because he's a loser.

Anyway - a typical annoying school spat as far as I can see, and if dd came home and told me this story I would have listened then discouraged dd from talking to him and asked her to consider other people's feelings.

So, was I unreasonable to respond thus: "Sorry you've been upset by all this, but I can't say very much at this point because it's quite hard for me to know what's happened: both of you feel that the other is in part way to blame for this squabble, and I wasn't a witness to it. I'll advise dd to avoid you at school in future, but if she is rude to you can you report it to the teacher immediately, as I'd like the school to address the issue, given that it's happened on their premises."

But actually I'm fuming. I can't believe this mother turned up on my doorstep at 7pm. What happened to letting children sort their social problems out for themselves? There's no suggestion on her part that dd has been systematically bullying or threatening her son, and dd has never, ever been involved in any sort of intimidating or bullying behaviour before in primary or secondary.

DD is steaming and has gone off to tell all her friends about it, despite me telling her to let it go.

Anyway, did I deal with it right?

I reckon so. What else could you say really?

Sounds like her ds needs to stop running to mummy. And I say that as someone who was bullied pretty much throughout school, until I learned to deal with it.

I think so. [hsmile]

Oh boy is he going to regret dragging mummy into it in the morning...

Have you spoken to your dd about what happened? How will you be dealing with her behaviour?

Wow... I wish I had your calm approach. You're good. You handled it perfectly, IMO.

I feel very sorry for him.

If she felt the need to do that she must be bloody worried about what happened. You wouldn't do that lightly as a Mum.

But you handled it well. I am not sure why she wants to humiliate him further? Are you?

Bullying via Facebook is actually taken very seriously. Obviously there is written public evidence of it.

Your dd was nasty to him and said she doesn't want him sitting with her amongst other things. He was retaliating to her nastiness by the sounds of it, which is understandable.
Now she 'is steaming and went straight to tell her friends'.
To stir it all up more? Has it honestly not occurred to you that your dd IS using bullying behaviour?

When I first read this I thought you said they were aged 8 not year 8!

If, as you say it was, a one off, it does seem over the top imo and his mother will have made things ten times worse.

My dd does cuss boys. They all cuss each other. There is no way she would seek this particular boy out and be cruel to him, she's just not interested enough.

Over the years she's come home and told me things he's said to her and to other children - pretty disgusting things, but nothing really out of the ordinary for the sort of school they're at. My personal opinion from things other parents have told me is that he's a trouble making little stirrer, and the family have a looooooong history of run ins with the school. They twice tried (unsuccessfully) to sue the primary school, and have withdrawn three of their four children at various times because they all seem to have problems with other children and with teachers, and have apparently been the victims of racist bullying (they are Sikh - the primary and secondary schools their children and mine attend are over 80% non-white, with children from every conceivable racial and religious background. My understanding is that their claims of racist bullying were dealt with properly by the school. Would want to add that there's no suggestion my dd has ever made racist comments to this child).

I've witnessed the father verbally abusing the head teacher in front of the children, for failing to keep a coach waiting when their son was late for a school trip. Very, very unpleasant. (should point out that this family live 300 yards from the school gate and yet their children still manage to be late for school 3 days out of 5, year in, year out). And Honestly? I think dd can be a bit of a cow. But I think this boy is unpleasant, and I think his parents are just... a bit disaster. They're not horrible, just not the brightest and very immature.

So, what are you going to do about your dd's behaviour then?

I think you need to sit down with your DD and have a long talk about scapegoating. Because it sounds to me as though you (and some other parents) have decided that this family is always in the wrong because they are Not Like You.

What AmorY said. You cannot be so flippant about your DD's cussing. And quite frankly, your DD's behaviour does sound unpleasant.

Please pry a bit more into the matter. Your DD may be involved in bullying and if the boy's family make a formal complaint, there may be consequences.

I would imagine it take a lot for a mum to come round.

In yr8 some of them are still 12 , so not all that mature anyway.

Look in to this a bit more ...this might be the tip of the iceberg and you should get to grips with what is going on (and your DD's behaviour)

yabu

so what are you going to do about your dd?

i would be MOST upset if my dd had spoken to someone like that. Just because tthe school is rough is no excuse to excuse her behaviour.

It's a slippery slope when you excuse Dc's bad behaviour. She did wrong. Yes maybe so did the boy and his mother certainly hasn't helped but you couldn't stop her from telling all her friends?

So if she does against your wishes what consequence have you set for her to allow her to make an informed choice about whether making this worse is worth it or not?

Your trying to shrug this off - your DD may not be and may not have been a bully but if you allow this type of behaviour now on a casual basis she may feel she's allowed to be in the future.

Whatever happened, it happened at school and the first point of contact for this boy and his family ought to have been the school. They should look into it and contact you if they feel your dd has behaved badly.

I would contact the school tomorrow, first thing, and tell them what happened this evening and ask them to watch out for how your dd and this boy interact with each other and be aware of a potential situation developing as a result of both the initial spat and the mother coming to your house.

I'd not be at all happy with her coming over. What does she expect you to do, before you've even had a chance to talk to your dd and get her side of events? I think you handled yourself very well, but now you need the school's input. Keep in mind that your dd will blame the boy and he will blame her and the truth is probably somewhere in between.

So what are you going to do about your DD? She sounds lovely running off to bitch about this child to her friends just so they can start picking on him again tomorrow.

Op, was the mum angry? Shouting? Or calm?

And as for dd running off to her friends,it's no different to US coming on mumsnet to discuss!

The boy will likely do the same! It's not odd or bad behaviour, it's human nature