So - boy in dd's class turns up on our doorstep this evening, with his mother

[shagmundfreud]

... to complain that dd was nasty to him in dt today. Both children are in year 8 and have known each other since nursery (went to the same primary).

No suggestion of systematic bullying or physical violence, just a nasty comment about dd not wanting him to sit on their table. In response he cussed dd, and cussed me (apparently). This is no surprise to me - kids at dd's tough inner city comprehensive are mouthy and can be casually very rude to each other. He said that dd was pathetic and had cried a lot at primary school - not very nice as she'd had an episode of being very unhappy and had self-harmed in year 6 which had led to a referral to
CAMHS. Her response was to point out that his mother had said to her that he was lonely at school, and in dd's opinion that was because he's a loser.

Anyway - a typical annoying school spat as far as I can see, and if dd came home and told me this story I would have listened then discouraged dd from talking to him and asked her to consider other people's feelings.

So, was I unreasonable to respond thus: "Sorry you've been upset by all this, but I can't say very much at this point because it's quite hard for me to know what's happened: both of you feel that the other is in part way to blame for this squabble, and I wasn't a witness to it. I'll advise dd to avoid you at school in future, but if she is rude to you can you report it to the teacher immediately, as I'd like the school to address the issue, given that it's happened on their premises."

But actually I'm fuming. I can't believe this mother turned up on my doorstep at 7pm. What happened to letting children sort their social problems out for themselves? There's no suggestion on her part that dd has been systematically bullying or threatening her son, and dd has never, ever been involved in any sort of intimidating or bullying behaviour before in primary or secondary.

DD is steaming and has gone off to tell all her friends about it, despite me telling her to let it go.

Anyway, did I deal with it right?

note

OP, from what you have written, your daughter will be fine and is a normal teenager. TBH I'm worried about the other posters who think this isnt normal teen behaviour!

teeth kissing????

little suck on the teeth, meant to indicate disdain or disapproval (?)

like a tut

shagmundfreud, I wasn't criticising your parenting. All parents parent differently, with different expectations, in different environments, their different DCs, with varying outcomes.

For starters my teenagers probably WOULD be talking about "ponies and guides rather than boys and clothes" and I'm not ashamed of that...nor am I shocked that a DC in a city/inner city/urban/suburban environment might have different hobbies and interests.

FWIW I think MOST parents are competent. Just because they/we/I/you do things differently, doesn't mean that they/we/I/you are doing it wrong!

I was sticking up for you! Your approach sounds perfectly fine to me, and I can't for the life of me see where these bullying accusations have come from

Sounds like two kids having words to me...happens every day in every school in every country in the world I should think. I would have done exactly what you would have done ("if dd came home and told me this story I would have listened then discouraged dd from talking to him and asked her to consider other people's feelings") if the things hadn't been escalated by the other mother. And once things panned out as they did, I'd have said pretty much what you said :)

Did you speak to the school OP? Or sleep on it and decide it was something and nothing? Wouldn't blame you if you did tbh. I would keep an eye on it though, and if parent decides to come to your door again, I would seriously consider speaking to the school, because, in fact, she could almost be bullying you!

BTW, my school has 1500 kids in it! All the secondary moderns round here do. With that many kids, you will get a massive and diverse selection. It is inevitable that some of what they hear at school, will rub off on them. There's nothing you can do about it, but stick to your guns at home and guide and hope that they don't turn bad!

Oh and to OP and Misspixietrix! That's the first time I've used them, so you should be very honoured!

Sorry fourkids, that came across as sarky, but I was genuine in my comment about you being competent.

I struggle and find it so hard. I have a ds with asd and between dd and her raging hormones, and ds (6)with his often manic behaviour (tonight he's squirted his brother with cleaning solution, broken the back of a picture frame, threatened to kill me (twice) and spent half an hour pretending not to be able to walk - dragging himself around the filthy kitchen floor on his elbows while making clown faces.... and today's a good day), things can get very fraught in our house.

Wish we lived somewhere rural. All my kids love the outdoors and my ds with asd would be no problem if he had access to a large barn, chickens and rusting tractor parts....

Thankyou Maureen!

Meant to talk to the school but got caught up with work and didn't do it. Will talk to teacher after half term I think as tomorrow is last day for dd.

I'm not too worried about boys mum talking to me again. Actually if she does I'm going to deal with her - I don't mean by threatening her or being rude. I'm usually very amenable, but I can find my inner posh bossy girl if I dig down deep. I'll tell her that her behaviour last night was inappropriate and request that she channels any communication regarding my dd through the school. 'Nuff said!

shagmundfreud Do you not think it's serious that a boy in you DD class stabbed her with a compass and told her to fuck off?? I know I've gone a bit off topic but I'm shocked that you seem so blase about this.
I've been to an inner city comp and would do anything so that my child didn't have to go to one so yes if that involved moving that's what I'd do. But I imagine it might be easier just to transfer to a different school. Are you living in London?

ha, sorry shagmundfreud for being over-sensitive. Actually I wasn't sure whether you were being sarky or not, but thought it best to explain what I meant!

Actually I thought twice about whether to even say in my first post that I wouldn't be coming from exactly the same place as you, in case it came across in an unintended way and detracted from the point of the post. But in the end I decided that it is relevent because, even with a slightly different perspective on things, your DDs behaviour towards this boy, and his towards her, seems like pretty normal teenage behaviour to me. As did your response. level headed and sensible.

Again, shagmund, I cannot understand why so many posters are slating you and your DD. I can only assume that most of them don't have teenagers or their DC don't go to a comp. I know exactly where you're coming from and admire the way you handled yourself and the other mother. It's refreshing that you realise that, like most things in life, it's not completely black and white, but as I said above, I totally get that your DD is not going to be ground down ever again. I say, whatever she's got to do, she's got to do (apart from being the instigator of anything).

What on earth was the boy doing, trying to sit near her if they have a history. That's pretty provocative, I think. I'm glad to see that your DD, like my DC, is human and not perfect .

sounds to me kids being kids stuff and both as bad as each other and not really a big deal,we have a family near us and the mother always makes a big deal about everything and is always having run ins with the school and other kids parents she clearly has big issues.could it be the same sort of thing with this family what i did when this woman came screaming at my door was talk to my daughter about being polite to everyone but it also meant she didnt she didnt have to hang around with the girl.i also talked to the school and asked them to watch what was going on turned out my daughter wasnt bullying anyone i asked for a meeting to be set up for both sets of parents the funny thing was the woman couldnt name one bullying incident my daughter had done i came to the conclusion this woman was just a fruitloop who quickly moved on to her next victim.

all sounds normal to me . feel sorry for the boy in a way having mummy fight his bsaattles for him .