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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So - boy in dd's class turns up on our doorstep this evening, with his mother

166 replies

shagmundfreud · 18/10/2011 19:44

... to complain that dd was nasty to him in dt today. Both children are in year 8 and have known each other since nursery (went to the same primary).

No suggestion of systematic bullying or physical violence, just a nasty comment about dd not wanting him to sit on their table. In response he cussed dd, and cussed me (apparently). This is no surprise to me - kids at dd's tough inner city comprehensive are mouthy and can be casually very rude to each other. He said that dd was pathetic and had cried a lot at primary school - not very nice as she'd had an episode of being very unhappy and had self-harmed in year 6 which had led to a referral to
CAMHS. Her response was to point out that his mother had said to her that he was lonely at school, and in dd's opinion that was because he's a loser.

Anyway - a typical annoying school spat as far as I can see, and if dd came home and told me this story I would have listened then discouraged dd from talking to him and asked her to consider other people's feelings.

So, was I unreasonable to respond thus: "Sorry you've been upset by all this, but I can't say very much at this point because it's quite hard for me to know what's happened: both of you feel that the other is in part way to blame for this squabble, and I wasn't a witness to it. I'll advise dd to avoid you at school in future, but if she is rude to you can you report it to the teacher immediately, as I'd like the school to address the issue, given that it's happened on their premises."

But actually I'm fuming. I can't believe this mother turned up on my doorstep at 7pm. What happened to letting children sort their social problems out for themselves? There's no suggestion on her part that dd has been systematically bullying or threatening her son, and dd has never, ever been involved in any sort of intimidating or bullying behaviour before in primary or secondary.

DD is steaming and has gone off to tell all her friends about it, despite me telling her to let it go.

Anyway, did I deal with it right?

OP posts:

newbiedoobiedoo · 18/10/2011 22:35

They sound like a right pair to me! But you need to adjust your attitude about your dd before she gets worse! I can actually understand you wanting to 'survive' where she is by being the same (though I can't understand why she's in that school if it's that bad!) but really, she doesn't sound very pleasant and you don't seem to care about that!

This boy could be the shit of all shits but don't you CARE that your DD is being mouthy, swearing, throwing names around etc. I'm not saying she's a bully (don't know who anyone has reached that conclusion based on BOTH children saying things) but don't you see that she's becoming the person she will be for the rest of her life and you seem to be allowing her to just do whatever she wants!

SoupDragon · 18/10/2011 22:35

Spidepig, did you misS this bit :" response he cussed dd, and cussed me (apparently).... He said that dd was pathetic and had cried a lot at primary school - not very nice as she'd had an episode of being very unhappy and had self-harmed in year 6 which had led to a referral to CAMHS."

SoupDragon · 18/10/2011 22:38

From the story as it has been posted, they are as bad as each other and both gave as good as they got.
There is nothing to indicate bullying on either side, just normal spiteful teen comments.

Original poster

shagmundfreud · 18/10/2011 22:38

"running off to tell all her friends about it is likely to cause a horrible backlash against this boy who may not have wanted his mother's interference in the first place"

I have as much chance of stopping dd discussing this situation with her friends as I have of stopping the tide from coming in.

"it's your job to control your dd; if she were mine my first action would be to make it clear to her that if there is any more talking now the consequences will be dire"

She feels that this boy has said malicious things to her and has misled his mother as to his part in the spat. There's no way she's going to keep quiet about that, and there's no way I can police it. I'm also not willing to punish her for talking about it to her friends, because I think it's quite reasonable she'd want to discuss it. It would be better for this boy, his mother and for me if she would keep her trap shut, but it's not reasonable or feasible to expect her to do so.

"and how does your DD know his mother said this?? have you told your DD this??"

The boys mother said it to her a few weeks ago. I remember dd came back and told me about it.

Would remind you, that dd's comment to him was said in response to him taking the piss about her crying at primary.

OP posts:

PoppadumPreach · 18/10/2011 22:42

At least the other mother cared enough to try to sort out his problems, however illl-advised her approach.

If your daughter is growing up to be the person you want her to be then well done. Glad she is not my DD.

Original poster

shagmundfreud · 18/10/2011 22:43

"but really, she doesn't sound very pleasant"

Actually she's a very loving, cheerful child who has maintained her friendships since nursery.

I repeat - this boy has, over the years, made some very ugly comments to her. I have no problem with her not liking him. I do have a problem with her telling him not to sit on her table - it's disruptive to the class quite apart from anything else.

OP posts:

dramatrauma · 18/10/2011 22:46

I'm impressed that, given the little info available in the OP and subsequent postings, anyone has decided that the OP's daughter is bullying anyone. There is no evidence of that. Running off to tell your friends that some boy's Mummy just showed up at the door to tell you off, that's as sure as the sun will rise in the morning. And how do you know what that boy will be telling HIS friends??

The only thing we know is that something happened between them at school, and that his Mum showed up at OP's door at 7pm to discuss it, bringing the boy with her. I think this was very unreasonable of her.

If the boy's Mum was concerned about the incident, and wanted to discuss it with the OP, she should have phoned and arranged a time to talk. Or come alone, just to say there had been an incident, and do you have time now or perhaps tomorrow?

OP was more than reasonable in her response. She does not know what happened any more than we do. She should ask to speak with the teacher, though, and see if the teacher has any concerns about DD's behaviour. She should certainly not jump to the conclusion that a 12-year-old mouthing off to her buddies about something like this is bullying.

And that boy's Mum should develop some discretion. If he is being bullied, random visits about random incidents, and bringing him along for the ride, won't help.

Original poster

shagmundfreud · 18/10/2011 22:47

"If your daughter is growing up to be the person you want her to be then well done. Glad she is not my DD."

Her teachers think the sun shines out of her arse, she's in top sets for everything, she's got a very wide circle of close friends, she's kind to babies and old people, she's got bags of confidence and social nous.

And all this is despite having a face which currently looks a bit like a pizza, bad teeth, being a bit overweight, and going to a rough school.

I'm very proud of her.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 18/10/2011 22:47

PoppadumPreach, I'm pretty glad the son is not one of mine.

newbiedoobiedoo · 18/10/2011 22:48

OP you keep talking about how rough this school is. WHY is she going there?!

wannaBe · 18/10/2011 22:49

does nobody on this thread remember what it was like to be twelve? at twelve children insult each other all the time - it's what they do.

The op said there was no indication that this was a long-term bullying problem, yet says the family have form for making allegations of bullying, so presumably if they felt it was a long-term issue and were confident enough to come to the op's door they would also have had no issue in making the point that this was about more than one spat between a couple of twelve year olds.

And as for the dd going off to tell her friends, no actually it's no different to being on mn - if you had a run-in with someone earlier in the day - a one-off run in where perhaps both of you said things you shouldn't have, and the other person's mother came round to confront you about it can you honestly say you wouldn't come on here/speak to your rl friends in the plyground/at work and express your incredulity at the resulting confrontation?

And do people really think that if you say to your twelve year olds "Don't tell your friends" they say "yes ok mummy, I won't," and then follow through? really? just like when you tell them not to say fuck or wank or cunt... of course they do.

MaureenMLove · 18/10/2011 22:50

"it's your job to control your dd; if she were mine my first action would be to make it clear to her that if there is any more talking now the consequences will be dire"

PMSL!! Did someone actually say that on here? I missed that one!

Found this one too: 'Your daughter sounds a pain, and why is she telling her friends when you told her not to? Have you no authority?'

Hilarious!

She told him he couldn't sit on her table FFS! She didn't stab him with a pen knife and tell him to fuck off!

Original poster

shagmundfreud · 18/10/2011 22:50

Thankyou drama - that's about the sum of it.

I have no idea why this mum thought it was a good idea to show up on my doorstep.

I see her every morning anyway as she lives down the road and has a dd in my ds's class.

Oh god - dreading ds now saying something to her dd. Ds has autism and is a totally loose cannon. He witnessed the whole thing tonight - was beetling about under the dining room table sniggering I couldn't get him out the room - she just launched into it and I couldn't get ds to go away and stay away while she was there......

OP posts:

dramatrauma · 18/10/2011 22:51

Poppadum That was a seriously unpleasant thing to say. Making rude comments about a CHILD you've never met is beyond vile.

t0lk13n · 18/10/2011 22:51

In my class children are told where to sit and if they deliberately dont want someone to sit by them just because they dont like them for what ever reason they find that they may always have to sit by thast person. I decide who sits by whom in my class and no child will tell me otherwise.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/10/2011 22:51

newbiedoobiedoo

Because not everyone can get their kids in the leafy nice schools

SoupDragon · 18/10/2011 22:51

Newbiedoo... I imagine her DD is going there because, despite having the choice of 15 fabulous schools filled with perfectly behaved children, the OP chose to send her DD to the one rough school in the area.

GypsyMoth · 18/10/2011 22:52

Oh some mumsnetters are In for a big shock once their dc hit their teens!!

MaureenMLove · 18/10/2011 22:52

wannabe My precious 16 yr old says those words? Surely not!! Although.... I did hear her call someone a prick during the summer, but too be fair, he was!

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 18/10/2011 22:52

Am shocked at how many people dont remember being a bitchy teenager! [hgrin]

newbiedoobiedoo · 18/10/2011 22:53

No need for the sarcasm ladies! :) I was genuinely wondering! I mean, if it's THAT bad there are bound to be other schools around no?

Original poster

shagmundfreud · 18/10/2011 22:54

"She didn't stab him with a pen knife and tell him to fuck off!"

Dd got stabbed with a compass and told to fuck off a few weeks ago. The boy in question didn't make a big hole in her, she was cross but it was forgotten within 48 hours.

I let the teacher deal with him and that was that.

Also let the school deal with the incident in year 7 where a boy told her he was going to make her to lick whipped cream off his dingle. Made her cry.

And a girl in her year pulling her off her chair by her hair last week.

Honestly - by the standards of this school telling a year 8 that you don't want to sit with them is pretty mild......

OP posts:

Misspixietrix · 18/10/2011 22:55

At Maureen no I don't, where did I say I expected that behaviour off them?

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/10/2011 22:55

No newbi, in some areas theres not. If everyone wanted to got to the 'nice' schools then your dc's could end up in the tough ones

Original poster

shagmundfreud · 18/10/2011 22:56

"OP you keep talking about how rough this school is. WHY is she going there?!"

Outstanding OFSTED, fantastic building, walking distance.

No other options round here as all other schools even more shit/private/grammar/church.

OP posts:

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