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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So - boy in dd's class turns up on our doorstep this evening, with his mother

166 replies

shagmundfreud · 18/10/2011 19:44

... to complain that dd was nasty to him in dt today. Both children are in year 8 and have known each other since nursery (went to the same primary).

No suggestion of systematic bullying or physical violence, just a nasty comment about dd not wanting him to sit on their table. In response he cussed dd, and cussed me (apparently). This is no surprise to me - kids at dd's tough inner city comprehensive are mouthy and can be casually very rude to each other. He said that dd was pathetic and had cried a lot at primary school - not very nice as she'd had an episode of being very unhappy and had self-harmed in year 6 which had led to a referral to
CAMHS. Her response was to point out that his mother had said to her that he was lonely at school, and in dd's opinion that was because he's a loser.

Anyway - a typical annoying school spat as far as I can see, and if dd came home and told me this story I would have listened then discouraged dd from talking to him and asked her to consider other people's feelings.

So, was I unreasonable to respond thus: "Sorry you've been upset by all this, but I can't say very much at this point because it's quite hard for me to know what's happened: both of you feel that the other is in part way to blame for this squabble, and I wasn't a witness to it. I'll advise dd to avoid you at school in future, but if she is rude to you can you report it to the teacher immediately, as I'd like the school to address the issue, given that it's happened on their premises."

But actually I'm fuming. I can't believe this mother turned up on my doorstep at 7pm. What happened to letting children sort their social problems out for themselves? There's no suggestion on her part that dd has been systematically bullying or threatening her son, and dd has never, ever been involved in any sort of intimidating or bullying behaviour before in primary or secondary.

DD is steaming and has gone off to tell all her friends about it, despite me telling her to let it go.

Anyway, did I deal with it right?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 18/10/2011 22:57

"I mean, if it's THAT bad there are bound to be other schools around no?"

Of course there will be. And all the ones with spaces will be shit ones!! the good ones will be over subscribed with waiting lists as long as your arm.

dramatrauma · 18/10/2011 22:57

Hey, OP, on the plus side she's going to be able to handle anything the adult world throws at her.

wannaBe · 18/10/2011 22:58

"I mean, if it's THAT bad there are bound to be other schools around no?" well that surely depends on where you live. And even if there's a better school down the road there are such things as catchment areas which often mean you can't go to the nice leafy school down the road and have to settle for the rough one.

Or perhaps the op lives in a socially deprived area where actually, all the schools are like that.

Not everyone has a grammar down the road or the cash to pay to go private...

newbiedoobiedoo · 18/10/2011 22:58

I'm actually not being funny in asking. I've genuinely never come across a city where there was only one school option! You live and learn.

OP, like I said further up, I understand wanting her dd to be 'tough' if she's in such an environment but do you not worry that it will rub off and she will end up that way as opposed to just acting that way?

MaureenMLove · 18/10/2011 22:58

My apologies, it was troisgarcons, not you. Post next to yours.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/10/2011 23:00

I'm actually not being funny in asking. I've genuinely never come across a city where there was only one school option! You live and learn.

There may be 3 school options, one being good and 2 being shite. The one good ones not going to take all the kids because no one wants to go to the other 2.

newbiedoobiedoo · 18/10/2011 23:01

Thanks Fifi, I live in a relatively small town so generally people get the schools they want. Never really thought about how lucky I am :)

wannaBe · 18/10/2011 23:03

actually I think it's better that the op knows what her dd is like. I imagine there are going to be a lot of deluded people from this thread who will have no idea what their teens are up to, and who will remain happily oblivious to what goes on while basking in the belief that their sweet innocent little darlings do everything they say, when they say, and tell them everything...

Misspixietrix · 18/10/2011 23:03

that's ok Maureen Apologies returned, can I use these now? Thanks Apologies to OP too if I was out of order now I've read the thread moving on but I seriously advice you keep an eye on the behaviour as I don't think the Mum would have come round on a whim iykwim? x

wannaBe · 18/10/2011 23:10

do people really believe that a mother wouldn't seek a confrontation unless their was genuine reason?

Do people really believe that there aren't some people out there who are just confrontational and who believe that their little brats kids can do no wrong?

Surely everyone has encountered at least one parent like this?

In my ds' old school there was a child who was really quite unpleasant - really quite sneaky and underhanded in his tactics "you play what I want to play or I'll tell the teacher you're bullying me," that sort of thing. His mother was always at the school, always claiming he was the victim, it was always the other child's fault - never his. She loved nothing more than a confrontation either with the school or to stand in the park bitching to other parents about how her darling ds was being bullied and how it was her job to sort it out.

He wasn't being bullied - for the most part he was the bully.

Sometimes bullies come from bullying backgrounds - if a child is brazen enough to stand there and claim he's being bullied/picked on when actually he's given much worse in the past, the likelihood is that the parent has similar trates.

Remember bullies are often big cowards and can rarely take it even though they're happy to give it out.. and it sounds as if this boy and his mother come from that ilk.

punkinpie · 18/10/2011 23:11

Since we're doing apologies, I'd like to apologise to you, OP, for assuming your dd was talking to all her friends via Facebook. That's what my teens do, younger and older. They wouldn't do it by phone.

Just goes to show how differently we operate...and how we can jump to conclusions... Thanks Sorry.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/10/2011 23:12

Newbie, my senior is outstanding and is going to be an academy. It takes kids from my town which is a mix of council estates and private houses. I went to the same school.

You done what you had to to survive school. If you showed signs of weekness with the tougher kids you were knackered. I got brought up on the roughest council estate in town so i was ok as i knew all the 'hard' kids and the well known families. The 'swots' kept their heads down, kept out of trouble and got through it.

If you made an enemy of the 'hard' kids you would basically endure 5 years of hell.

I know exactlly what the op mens when she says her daughter does what she has to. She is not bullying the boy but doing enough so she wont be bullied herself.

No its not right but thats what happens sometimes.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/10/2011 23:19

Wanna, i went through the same thing with one of my dd's. It got to the point that the teacher was gettiing chocolates weekly. Anyway it all was monitored and watched after a big meeting and it turned out that mummies little angle was very sneaky and underhand. If people didnt do what she wanted them to do she was getting bullied Hmm.

The teachers were great and sussed it within a month. The mother was informed and the chocolates stopped.

She done her dd no favours in the long run as non of the girls involved will play with her at all now. She told the teacher my dd8 was bulling her on an evening. I said not unless she steals her bus fare out my bag and makes the 20 minnute bus journey without me knowing.

Original poster
shagmundfreud · 18/10/2011 23:24

Thanks punkin Smile

Blocked facebook a few weeks ago as she was spending too much time on it.

BTW, the school is 'rough' rather than 'shit'. It's in a very deprived area with an ethnically diverse population. More than twice the national average number of kids on free school meals.

"I don't think the Mum would have come round on a whim iykwim?"

Oh she would. She's not a mean spirited or bad person but she's not much of a thinker. And her and her husband have got form when it comes to jumping in where the kids are concerned. They have a long, long history of problems with school. They have four children and every single one had difficulty settling in, two of them had to move class at primary. The oldest boy has had to move schools more than once because of problems with other children. Also mentioned that they tried to sue the primary school. Twice. Unsuccessfully. Perpetual lateness, despite living on the school's doorstep practically. And then there was that episode where the dad was seen shouting at the head and threatening him in front of the children Shock No - they're not known for taking a considered approach to their children's difficulties at school....

OP posts:
t0lk13n · 18/10/2011 23:30

iS SHE 13 YET? FB should only be used by 13+

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/10/2011 23:36

tolk13n, yes it is but there are many under 13's on it. Its quite easy for child to set up an account without there parents knowlege. All they have to do is add a year onto their DOB.

Also if you have a 12 year old and all their friends are allowed on they will be unlike their peers iyswim.

The op said shes no longer on. She probably went on when everyone else went on when they hit senior school. There were yr6 kids on at our school at one point.

t0lk13n · 18/10/2011 23:39

I know much younger ones 8 and 9 yr olds!

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/10/2011 23:43

I suppose it depends how they use it. Mine asks for an account all the time as some of her friends have one. Her friends go to a different school but our headmistress says she will report anyone underage using it. They all talk to each other on chat on an evening and play game together but she cant. She does feel left out.

IloveJudgeJudy · 18/10/2011 23:44

I'm wondering that, too. Secondary is a tough place. My DD in Y8 had a boy who used to hit her on the head with a ruler, pull her about, call her awful names. This went on for a long time. In the end, we had talked to the school and stopped most of the grief in school, but one day, coming home from school the boy and his brother got her down a lane and were stopping her from coming home and hitting her with a branch of a tree. She texted me and I went to look for them with her older brother. He told both boys to leave her alone and was pretty aggressive doing it. Later same day I had their mother at my door complaining about the bullying my DS had done to hers. I told her about the incidents at school and other things they had done to DD. She had obviously no idea and, tbh didn't believe me. She threatened me with various things, called me a liar, but do you know from that day to this we haven't heard a peep from either her or her little shits sons. Suits us fine.

I think, OP, you did much better than me. I would just write this incident in your diary or on your calendar in case there are any repercussions.

I can't believe the mother came to your door. Unfortunately, it is the case that DC have to be tough at school. It's a dog eat dog world there sometimes.

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2011 23:47

20 years ago I was confronted in the street because a mum objected to the way my dd had spoken to her pfb dd.
One minute they were friends, the next they'd fallen out, just like girls everywhere.
I told her to take it up with the school if there was a problem during the school day, but they should really be left to sort it out.
Which they did.

Nothing changes, does it?

And telling someone you don't want them to sit on you r table might be nasty, but it certainly isn't bullying. A much over-used word these days imo.

cory · 18/10/2011 23:57

SoupDragon Tue 18-Oct-11 22:27:13
"I would be grateful if all you perfect parents of perfect children could advise me how to get mine to do something like not talkng to their friends. I'm all ears."

Naturally you cannot stop them from talking when they meet. But if I had told my dd that she was not allowed to use the phone she would know that if she did still use the phone after I had said so she would find herself phoneless for a very long time...

Because getting in touch with your friends and stirring up a backlash is basically a bad idea. In fact, I would expect my dd to understand that if I explained it to her. (And yes, she is a teenager). But if she didn't understand it, she would still know that her access to technology depends on us until she is earning herself.

ReindeerBollocks · 18/10/2011 23:57

YANBU - agree with posters such as Maureen and Soup

Its easy to forget the nature of teens when we have baby/young DC.

Original poster
shagmundfreud · 19/10/2011 06:42

Cory - I allowed her to use the phone. I'd rather she'd talked about it on the phone, bored all her friends rigid by bedtime and therefore not discuss it so much at school today.

OP posts:
peggyblackett · 19/10/2011 07:04

If another parent turned up on my doorstep to complain about one of my dc's behaviour I would be taking it very seriously indeed. I certainly wouldn't be rushing to the assumption that my dc was not culpable.

SoupDragon · 19/10/2011 07:47

If another parent turned up on my doorstep with the "form" this mother has, I would do exactly as the OP did.

Many people seem to be ignoring what this boy did/said and the fact that his family are constantly complaining, apparently unfairly, about bullying.