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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So - boy in dd's class turns up on our doorstep this evening, with his mother

166 replies

shagmundfreud · 18/10/2011 19:44

... to complain that dd was nasty to him in dt today. Both children are in year 8 and have known each other since nursery (went to the same primary).

No suggestion of systematic bullying or physical violence, just a nasty comment about dd not wanting him to sit on their table. In response he cussed dd, and cussed me (apparently). This is no surprise to me - kids at dd's tough inner city comprehensive are mouthy and can be casually very rude to each other. He said that dd was pathetic and had cried a lot at primary school - not very nice as she'd had an episode of being very unhappy and had self-harmed in year 6 which had led to a referral to
CAMHS. Her response was to point out that his mother had said to her that he was lonely at school, and in dd's opinion that was because he's a loser.

Anyway - a typical annoying school spat as far as I can see, and if dd came home and told me this story I would have listened then discouraged dd from talking to him and asked her to consider other people's feelings.

So, was I unreasonable to respond thus: "Sorry you've been upset by all this, but I can't say very much at this point because it's quite hard for me to know what's happened: both of you feel that the other is in part way to blame for this squabble, and I wasn't a witness to it. I'll advise dd to avoid you at school in future, but if she is rude to you can you report it to the teacher immediately, as I'd like the school to address the issue, given that it's happened on their premises."

But actually I'm fuming. I can't believe this mother turned up on my doorstep at 7pm. What happened to letting children sort their social problems out for themselves? There's no suggestion on her part that dd has been systematically bullying or threatening her son, and dd has never, ever been involved in any sort of intimidating or bullying behaviour before in primary or secondary.

DD is steaming and has gone off to tell all her friends about it, despite me telling her to let it go.

Anyway, did I deal with it right?

OP posts:

MaureenMLove · 18/10/2011 21:38

Oh yes. I forgot to add, that you need to be prepared that the teachers could say something about DD that you don't like! She did, afterall, say that he couldn't sit on her table, so she's not completely without blame.

SoupDragon · 18/10/2011 21:39

Have I read a different OP to most people? Where is there any indication that the DD is bullying this boy?

She made a comment to him, he made comments back. It should have en need there. Were none of you ever 12 so can't remember what it was like?

SoupDragon · 18/10/2011 21:42

The occasional nasty comment does not equal bullying. If it did then the boy was also bullying the DD. do bullies often get bullied by their victims?

Feminine · 18/10/2011 21:45

Thanks op for the added info.

I think it is very relevant, and its hard to get it all across in one initial post :)

I would still speak with the school, something is going on- something that could escalate.

Good luck.

Original poster

shagmundfreud · 18/10/2011 21:52

"So you're not going to ask her why she told him he couldn't sit at the table? Why not?"

She doesn't like him. He doesn't like her. They've never liked each other. She doesn't want to sit next to him.

"But children like her are acting like that because children like her are acting like that"

No - I've told her that personal insults based on someone's appearance or family background are completely unacceptable. But then I'm not the one going in and being called horrible names on a day to day basis. Yes - she could report everything unkind that everyone says to her, and so could all the other children but the sheer scale of unpleasantness makes this impossible. So she does what she has to do to get by. I don't believe she seeks people out and is deliberately cruel - she cusses back when she gets cussed at.

OP posts:

MaureenMLove · 18/10/2011 21:55

Out of interest, did you ask her why she didn't want him sitting on his table?

I'm with Soupdragon. There has been nothing else suggested, other than a bit of silliness - between them both. I think judgement should be reserved until the OP has spoken with the teacher. (then we'll rip her to shreds for being a shit parent! )

manicinsomniac · 18/10/2011 21:56

YANBU

I'm astounded that the mother of a 12 year old would go round to another mother's house to complain about a minor incident - and taking the boy with her makes it worse.

I also can't believe that so many people think the girl's behaviour is so worrisome and in need of dealing with. We are talking about 12 year olds. They are vile to each other. In my first week at secondary school a boy shouted "Oi, I'm going to give you a blowjob" at me across the DT lab. I repsonded with something about kicking him in the balls if he tried. We were 11. That's life.

I teach one Y8 class and a group of girls being reluctant to let a boy sit with them would barely raise an eyebrow from me. I'd tell them to stop being soft and shuffle up if I heard it or it was reported. But to be honest I'd expect the boy to shrug and go and go and sit elsewhere. I don't think even my Y5 children would get upset over it tbh.

Unless there is a lot more to the story that the children haven't revealed then the other mother is overreacting hugely.

AnxiousElephant · 18/10/2011 22:03

OMG! I was systematically bullied until 14 years by certain people in school but would never have had my mum involved! It is ridiculous at 12yo in my opinion. .
Different if it occurs under your nose but if you didn't see it, children edit events just as adults can to suit their case.

Misspixietrix · 18/10/2011 22:11

YABVU IMO!! Sorry to tell you this OP but your dd is already bullying! you've blatently just admitted online, "she's ran off to tell her friends off about it" Result tomorrow? said boy will get bullied even more for telling his mummy about it! It must have took that little boy all the courage in his world to tell his mum :(

Misspixietrix · 18/10/2011 22:13

and just because you all class it as a 'minor incident' it might have been the 54th 'minor incident' for this kid

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/10/2011 22:14

She didnt want him to sit next to her so told him. The mother has blew it out of all proportion.

My dd got rugby tackled and pinned down by two boys. She was scared kicked out and ended up landing a kick where it really hurts.

The boy she kicked started crying in front of a big group of kids. Next thing i know theres a knock at the door with the kids dad demanding an apology from my dd. She is 9 and refused point blank even though i told her to. The dad said you better tell her not to say anything about it at school as hes embarrassed about crying and some of the lads are saying a girl chinned him. I said ok unaware that they had rugby tackled her.

DD got changed at bedtime and had a massive bruise where her hip bone was and another on her ribs as well as a bruised leg.

What did she do next day at school. Tell everyone that his dad had been and que another visit. This time the dad got shown the bruises and wasnt even aware that they had rugby tackled her and pinned her down.

GypsyMoth · 18/10/2011 22:15

Misspixie what a load of rubbish!!

troisgarcons · 18/10/2011 22:15

Normal people manage to talk about child issues without getting hysterical and involving the school.

the fact you have 10 year history as far back a nursery shows that she felt she could talk to you without making an issue and involving the school

YABU. And precious. And FWIW - your Y8 needs a sharp talking to for scuttling off and spreading what was said a t home.

troisgarcons · 18/10/2011 22:17

AND ... who give a flying feck what he child wanted ?

Meh@ 'doesnt want him sitting next to her'

Perhaps she should wind her neck in, get her pencil case out, shut her mouth and shove her backside on a seat where the teacher puts them? that would be a novelty.

Misspixietrix · 18/10/2011 22:19

Right so Excluding him from the table, running off to tell her friends about him etc, yeh of course I'm talking rubbish! and OP isn't being even a teeny bit precious about dd at all

Misspixietrix · 18/10/2011 22:19

Right so Excluding him from the table, running off to tell her friends about him etc, yeh of course I'm talking rubbish! and OP isn't being even a teeny bit precious about dd at all

Misspixietrix · 18/10/2011 22:20

Right so Excluding him from the table, running off to tell her friends about him etc, yeh of course I'm talking rubbish! and OP isn't being even a teeny bit precious about dd at all

Misspixietrix · 18/10/2011 22:21

ooops Sorry, pressed send a bit to hard!

SoupDragon · 18/10/2011 22:24

Lol@ "poor boy". A poor bullied boy who, apparently, insulted the DD, insulted her mother and made nasty remarks about the DDs troubled year at primary.

cory · 18/10/2011 22:26

OP, I think you handled the situation at the door well and competently

but I really don't see why you cannot show the same splendid firmness when dealing with your own dd

running off to tell all her friends about it is likely to cause a horrible backlash against this boy who may not have wanted his mother's interference in the first place

your reaction seems to be "oh well, I can't control my dd anyway"

it's your job to control your dd; if she were mine my first action would be to make it clear to her that if there is any more talking now the consequences will be dire

SoupDragon · 18/10/2011 22:27

I would be grateful if all you perfect parents of perfect children could advise me how to get mine to do something like not talkng to their friends. I'm all ears. You can suggest they don't and tell them why but that's it.

spiderpig8 · 18/10/2011 22:29

Can you not see that if this child is lonely has no friends and plucks up courage to sit at a table and your little madam tells him 'YOU can't sit there' as though he's a sub-human piece of shitand then goes on to tell him that he's a loser and his own mum says he is lonely at school, how distressing that is for the boy??
..and how does your DD know his mother said this?? have you told your DD this??

GypsyMoth · 18/10/2011 22:30

Soupdragon..... I wonder how many if these parents actually HAVE dc in secondary? How many have these perfect preteens in rougher schools then?

SoupDragon · 18/10/2011 22:33

"it's your job to control your dd"

Personally, at 12, I don't think it is my job to control my children at all. it is my job to give them parameters to work within and teach/advise them.

MaureenMLove · 18/10/2011 22:34

Have you been in a class of yr8 kids Misspixietrix? If you think that secondary school kids, in a tough school, line up outside the classroom, in their bonnets carrying their satchels, file in, and do exactly what the teacher tells them at all times, you are deluded.

FGS! What happened to innocent until proven guilty? You've already had the OP's dd permanantly excluded for not letting another kid sit on her table!

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