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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To set this woman right?

187 replies

OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 22:23

Dd1 birthday party (she's now 5)

Invited all our family and few friends from school - tea and cake, nothing too major - was really lovely.

Dd1 crying in garden , dp goes out to see what's wrong, one of her friends had said "that man (DP) isn't your REAL daddy"

Dd1 really upset, DP is effectively her step father yes, but dd1 has only just in last yea started having contact with her biological father, she sees him everyother week. Dd1 calls her biological father by his first name but knows who he is, knows she has "two" families and we keep it all light and relaxed and she seems quite happy - but sees DP who has been bringin her up since she was 1 as her daddy. (x excepts this and doesn't mind)

I felt really cross, DP is quite upset - bassically this little girl kept telling my DD everytime she said daddy, "that's not your daddy"

When her parents came to collect her I hid (was too upset to be honest, made myself busy with party bags)

Have sent her a message saying was shocked and disappointed that she had been gossiping and discussing a very sensitive grown up issue infront of her daughter and was saddened that it had been repeated to my daughter, asked her to explain to her daughter that DP is dd1's daddy and that's the end of it. Thanked her for coming and for present etc. Was iBu to say any thing?

OP posts:

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 18/10/2011 09:09

Ignore that! The family sound like trouble. If you ignore what can she say "Excuse me, why did you ignore my riendship request?"

She cant say anything without being seen as odd. Her daughter has obviously told her about the situation and she wants an excuse to get into your head. Just refrain from inviting the child to any more parties.

purplemurple · 18/10/2011 12:09

YANBU, the fact that the child commented that DP ISNT your dad rather than why do you have two dads says a lot IMO.

Fair enough explain to your own child their own circumstances but children don't need to know the ins and outs of other families situations especially at five years of age.

it has been presumed that the dd has been speaking at school about her situation, to me that doesn't equate to the child repetatively stating that dp isn't your dad. it would be more likely if the child was curious or didn't understand for her to ask, "why do you have two dads?"

A family in our street have four dc the eldest has a different dad and has her mums surname, the other three have dads. My dc have asked why they have different names, did I explain the ins and outs, no because it isn't any of my dc business. Distraction or a simple I don't know will suffice.

BimboNo5 · 18/10/2011 12:23

Oh dont be ridiculous 'she shouldn't be telling her daughter anything about it'
My DD has asked before now why her friend has a Dad who lives with her and a Dad who lives in a different house- ive explained the difference between a dad and stepdad, its not breaching some top secret intelligence is it?

VivaLeBeaver · 18/10/2011 12:33

Maybe she has asked you to be a friend so she can send you a message to say sorry if she's upset you.

zookeeper · 18/10/2011 12:39

I'm amazed she would want to be your friend after the way you've treated her

HerScaryness · 18/10/2011 12:41

OnlywantsOne: I know you have tried to reassure your DD about this child, but (as a former abusive relationship victim) if anyone is crap to my DS, I remind him that he can be friends with anyone he likes, and that good friends don't say things to make us cry.

Please don't teach your child to turn the other cheek to nasty behaviour. That child uses it as a defence, chubby or not, who actually cares? It's the beginning of creating an excuse for her to go around being the bully herself. NOTHING justifies as permission to be mean to others.

Sooner the better that she learns that being mean gets you nowhere.

spiderpig8 · 18/10/2011 12:54

'Dd knows she has two dads. DP and her biological dad. She isn't aware that DP isn't her "real" dad. There is no difference between them. There are no labels attached '

YABU you have set yourelf and your dd up for this. You ought to have explained this all to her long ago.When a child asks ther parent why has x got 2 dads they are of course going to explain.Your DD shouldn't be the last to know.

ceebie · 18/10/2011 12:56

OP, apologies as I have not read all the posts but it seems to me that the other mother may not have told her child out of maliciousness just simply tried to be open with her child but has completely failed to realise how her child would handle the information and, not having been present at the party, has not realised the extent of upset it has caused.

I really think you need to sit down and talk to her. If, having explained the extent of upset she has caused to you and your family, she is still not apologetic, just ditch her and forget about her.

valiumredhead · 18/10/2011 13:05

I'm really sorry your dd was upset but there is no way something of this nature should be discussed by sending a text. You don't actually know where the other girl heard it from and by sending a message you haven't given the mum a chance to explain.

TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 13:12

But for all the OP knows the mum may have been talking about step-parents in her own family or another family and the child has worked out that's why her friend has 2 dads. That's well within the capabilities of a 5 yo I would have thought. My 4 yo knows people with step dads and if a friend told her they had 2 dads she would know that that was why.
I think the OP should have texted or phoned asking what, if anything, had been said rather than accusing the mum of gossipping which has obviously put her on the defensive.
She is less likely to actually tackle the issue of her daughter teasing her friend now I would think.

elesbells · 18/10/2011 13:34

I don't think the op is upset by this child saying it once....I think it was the fact that she kept repeating it that has pissed her off....and I would be pissed off too...

My dd is 5, there have been times that I've had to stop myself just gossiping chatting in general to friends in her earshot...she repeats everything

I don't think you were BU to ask her mother to stop her child from saying this to your dd...because whatever the situation, it would be cruel if this child repeats this in the playground...so she should be told not to say it again...

TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 19:23

The keeping repeating it is the issue imo. But the OP seems more concerned that no-one ever talk of the concept of step parents around her dd which is unrealistic in this day and age imo. Kids are going to talk about it to their parents and her dd. There's no way she's going to be able to keep it as simple as 2 daddies and if it was me I'd want my dd to have the truth from me rather than the playground version of 'real dad' etc. If the child knew the truth she would have been less confused and upset and more just irritated at her friend going on. Also if the friend wasn't getting a reaction it's likely that she wouldn't have pursued it. That doesn't mean her friend was right to be such a little shit so mean about it but just that it's not the last time that a child is going to talk to her who knows about step-parents and will challenge the '2 daddies' thing.

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