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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To set this woman right?

187 replies

OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 22:23

Dd1 birthday party (she's now 5)

Invited all our family and few friends from school - tea and cake, nothing too major - was really lovely.

Dd1 crying in garden , dp goes out to see what's wrong, one of her friends had said "that man (DP) isn't your REAL daddy"

Dd1 really upset, DP is effectively her step father yes, but dd1 has only just in last yea started having contact with her biological father, she sees him everyother week. Dd1 calls her biological father by his first name but knows who he is, knows she has "two" families and we keep it all light and relaxed and she seems quite happy - but sees DP who has been bringin her up since she was 1 as her daddy. (x excepts this and doesn't mind)

I felt really cross, DP is quite upset - bassically this little girl kept telling my DD everytime she said daddy, "that's not your daddy"

When her parents came to collect her I hid (was too upset to be honest, made myself busy with party bags)

Have sent her a message saying was shocked and disappointed that she had been gossiping and discussing a very sensitive grown up issue infront of her daughter and was saddened that it had been repeated to my daughter, asked her to explain to her daughter that DP is dd1's daddy and that's the end of it. Thanked her for coming and for present etc. Was iBu to say any thing?

OP posts:

Original poster

OnlyWantsOne · 17/10/2011 08:44

That should say "unless I feel I need to go on about it

OP posts:

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 17/10/2011 08:57

You really need to speak to her to find out the context in which her dd found out and discussed it.

I agree with Garlic and wannabe that it may well be an explanation given by the mum in response to questions from her dd. In which case your dd may well have been discussing it at school in some way.

pictish · 17/10/2011 08:59

what on earth is so sensitive about the situation? Is this the 1920s or something? I would imagine your dd has been talking about meeting up with her biological father, other child asks her mum and she explains. I'd have done the same. I'm sure a 4 year old can get rather annoying if they get insistent on a point and she needs pulling up on that, but that text was ott

I guess I kind of agree with that ^ from page 1.

I'm so sorry OP, I can tell you are very angry about this issue, but I think you are being oversensitive.
There could be endless reasons as to why the subject came up in the other girl's home....the little girl may have asked, for example. The fact that the girl's mother says she 'explained' the situation to her dd suggests as much. Even if the mother volunteered the info from nowhere, you have to accept that these things can and will come up. Your family are not exempt from discussion....nobody's is.
The little girl, with being a tiny, has become fixated by the wrong aspect of the set up, and in her immaturity and lack of emotional awareness, felt compelled to correct your daughter. It's a shame....but your daughter will get over it and so should you.
It's a minor incident YOU are turning into a major one. You should've given it the attention it deserves and brushed it off.
This issue will come up again....I suggest you prepare for it, instead of expecting other people to take special measures of sensitivity.
People WILL talk and people WILL gossip, and little kids WILL ask questions.
That's life!

Really hope you can get past this soon. x

LizzieMo · 17/10/2011 09:25

I had a similar situation when I was a child, I was 8 when my neighbours daughter told me that my Granddad, who I adored, was actually my step-Granddad. I honestly had no idea, and I can still vividly remember the stabbing pain in my stomach- I could not have been more hurt if she had physically wrenched my guts out. It was a horrible , horrible way to find out. I never told my Mum, just kept it all to myself. It never changed the way I felt about my Granddad though, how could it? I would not have known how to stop loving him even if I wanted to!!! I think your daughter is lucky that she has you & your DP to talk to about it, you will guide her through.

Frankly the other little girl sounds horrible to keep on saying it when your DD was crying- I think I would have sent her home!!

GalaxyWeaver · 17/10/2011 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katisha · 17/10/2011 09:41

What needs to happen with regard to this woman is that she has a word with her child and tells her to stop the that's not your real daddy business.

It also wouldn't hurt for the woman to know that it caused hurt to your DP.

It's not really up to her to draw the line.

Original poster

OnlyWantsOne · 17/10/2011 09:43

Galaxy - that is why I said some thing to the mother & why I asked the child to say sorry for making DD cry.

Thing is, this child gets bullied at school for being a bit chubby, and I've seen her say some horrid things to other older kids as a defence mechanism - think her mum is like this too, I'd hate for DD and this child to have a falling out at school & this child use what she knows to upset DD.

I know that it happens everywhere and I know that it's common, I do still think that information I have told some one who I thought was my friend (albeit a new friend) was being repeated to others.

I obviously have a lot of repressed sadness and anger about what has happened over last 5 years to get to this point and I take on board what other have said about preparing DD for reality - but I was trying to take things at DDs pace and be gentle about it all.

I wrongly assumed that there were issues that we didnt discuss with children.

I still feel really

DD said this morning "x isn't my friend because she's horrible and made me cry"

I said that she was her friend and some times people say things that they didn't understand and not to worry about it as X must be jealous that DD is SO lucky to have two families, two birthday parties and lots of presents. She seems ok now though, even though she's got a temp and is coughing till she's sick

OP posts:

Fixture · 17/10/2011 09:47

YANBU

LEMONAIDE · 17/10/2011 09:53

I havent read all of this thread but can I say something - children of 5 generally believe their way of life to be "normal" i.e. if she has 2 dads then thats how it is, if she is so distressed by this I would imagine OP that she has picked up from you that it is a big deal.

My sons best friend's parents have split up tbh its pretty much the norm these days isnt it - his friend often becomes distressed and withdrawn before going to visit his dad for the weekend so yes I had to say "x's mum and dad are not together, his life is much more complicated than yours so you have to be kind to him and accept it when he gets upset"

I cant say at what age I told him this and it wasnt in the intention of being "gossip" because quite frankly it isnt interesting gossip any more....maybe in the 1920s when this was unusual but not anymore.

Original poster

OnlyWantsOne · 17/10/2011 09:57

Lemonaide - DD was upset at the time as the child kept correcting her when ever DD called DP daddy. I don't make a big deal out of it, she is normally uber cool with it all and says she's lucky

OP posts:

BecJackMissR · 17/10/2011 10:02

The thing is, you really need to be careful with what is discussed in front of or near children. They are brutelly honest

Hardgoing · 17/10/2011 10:09

I totally understand why you are upset, and it would have been fine to have corrected the little girl who kept saying 'he's not your daddy' and just said 'no, he is her daddy as he looks after her'. At the time.

However, I think you are massively sensitive about the issue and also quite naive to think that children don't chat about mums and dads, and two dads, and two mums and why dads/mums aren't around or don't live with each other, are divorced. Children are trying to work out models of relationships and often think what they have, or what is portrayed in the media, is 'normal' and make comments about this. My children have more grandparents than others (due to divorcing, remarrying), we have to answer their questions about this and if another child said 'you can't have three grannies' then I wouldn't get all upset (or exclude the child for ever), I would just correct them. Similarly, my children's dad lives away, they have been asked about this ('why doesn't your daddy live with you') and they have an answer.

I also think texting the woman was not right, she wasn't there and now has you sending angry huffy texts, when it may well have been that they discussed you because your daughter discussed her situation with her friend in the first place. Now it is a big deal and upsetting for everyone, and has reinforced to your daughter this is a difficult upsetting issue, whereas if it had been dealt with on the day, with a firm 'no, you are wrong, X is her daddy, she also has another daddy too' then it would have been much better. Your anger is misplaced towards this woman IMO.

LEMONAIDE · 17/10/2011 10:12

Well the correcting is not nice but 5 year olds often aren't nice. The point is the person she calls Daddy chose to be her daddy because he liked her which is extra special.

Im guessing her chubby friend is on the receiving end of a fair bit of bullying herself and believes that is how people behave.

I wouldnt just have a kneejerk reaction that her mother was tittle tattling about you, she may have just tried to explain a situation her child asked about if your DC had mentioned the visit to her biological father - not all children can be distracted if they decide they want to discuss something DS2 is like a dog with a bone if he wants an answer to something.

tulipgrower · 17/10/2011 12:33

I try to deal with topics when they arise. So if DS1 came home and asked me where his 2nd Dad is, because his mate has two, then I'd answer, one is his real/bio Dad and one is his step Dad. This would be followed by numerous, "But why?"s, which I would try to answer, and then I wouldn't give it another thought. No offence meant, no gossiping.
But I wouldn't put it past my son to not then chant "you have two Dads".

The little girl was being a bit of a bully, (the way she was saying it, rather that what she was saying), I would have pulled her up quick smart for bad behaviour and left it.

What is the woman supposed to do with your text?

whackamole · 17/10/2011 12:36

YANBU. It is horrible when children repeat things they have overheard - whether accidentally or just because the parents thought they didn't hear.

As a child I overheard a conversation about my friends mum, she had still born twins before her daughter was born. I was about 5 and repeated it to my friend. :( It makes me feel awful now, as I remember how upset she was to find out.

TheBestWitch · 17/10/2011 13:02

I think if you are going to insist on only telling your dd that she has 2 daddies and nothing more then you are going have to be prepared for the fact that other people will explain it differently to their own children. There will be other kids in her class that will have step dads themselves and will know that you can't have 2 bio daddies.
I think it's quite controlling for you to expect other parents not to explain the concept of step-parents at all so it can't be applied to your family which is what you appear to be saying.
I think you would maybe have got a better reaction from the mum if you had mentioned that her child had been teasing your child rather than the accusatory tone you used. For all you know the mum may just have told her daughter what step parents are and she made the link from conversations she had with your dd that that was why she had 2 daddies.

garlicScaresVampires · 17/10/2011 13:19

DD is SO lucky to have two families, two birthday parties and lots of presents

I like this, OWO. Good work ... now it's just a matter of agreeing terminology with your pal, then all should be sweet :)

cheekeymonster · 17/10/2011 13:22

What a cow and had sad for your DD. Has the rotten bitch had the gall to reply?

VivaLeBeaver · 17/10/2011 13:31

It depends. When you told this mother did you ask her not to mention it to her daughter? If. Not she might just have thought it was no big deal and mentioned it in passing rather than general gossiping. Maybe they were having a conversation about step parents in general and the mum was trying to explain it.

CompleteMug · 17/10/2011 13:35

YANBU OP.

makes me feel so sad that his role in her life can be undermined like that

What you said up thread sums it up in a nutshell for me.
This woman, albeit not a close friend, saw fit to discuss something a child this age would never comprehend infront of her DD. It's ammo for a child that age, and extremely, extremely hurtful to all involved.

I'd keep this woman at arms length, and would most certainly say that her thoughtlessness has caused no end of hurt to a little girl, not to mention you and your DP. Friends don't do that.

saladfingers · 17/10/2011 13:38

I don't feel you're being over sensitive at all OP.There's a difference between being told your DD has 2 daddies and one is 'real' and the other is not! No need for that info to be shared with a 5 year old.
Don't trust your 'friend' with any more sensitive information, I'd be tempted to distance myself completely TBH.
Hope your DP and DD forget about the whole incident soon.

witchyhills · 17/10/2011 13:48

Arr, this is sad
The problem is that children of 4/5/6 do not know what to do with this information, they can be incredibly insensitive. They don't have the emotional skills. I don't think it's necessarily a mean child.
I agree with OP, I think it's none of this woman's business
Unless somehow for some reason she has tried to explain the situation to the child with good intention.
See if my DS came to me and asked why x had 2 dads, I might try and explain it. It's a bit tricky

ChrissasMissis · 17/10/2011 14:06

Sorry to hear that - IMO Daddy is as Daddy does....

crazygracieuk · 17/10/2011 14:21

My son is 5 and I've explained to him that some children have 2 mums or dads through divorce, adoption or same sex relationships. If we knew somebody in the same situation I might have innocently mentioned them as an example. For example my son's cousin has divorced parents and it explains why we only ever see that cousin with only one parent present and that it might not be appropriate to ask about the absent parent to the adult whose accompanying the cousin. I think that there is a wide variety of family situations and that it's quite normal for children to wonder about differences. For example, one of my son's friends is always picked up by grandparents but my children never see their grandparents.

The child in question was extremely insensitive and it's a shame that your family was hurt but I think it's unreasonable to expect a 5 year old to understand the difference between sperm donor and Dad if they don't know anything other than a traditional family setup.

On the other hand the mum was extremely unreasonable not to put her daughter straight. As a mum of a 5 year old I realise that they can be very pedantic and see things in black and white. If somebody told my son that one Dad was the "real" one then he would jump to the conclusion that the other was "not real"=false even if nobody said that.

Original poster

OnlyWantsOne · 17/10/2011 19:49

The mother of the mother of the child has just asked to be my friend on face book.

OP posts:

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