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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To set this woman right?

187 replies

OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 22:23

Dd1 birthday party (she's now 5)

Invited all our family and few friends from school - tea and cake, nothing too major - was really lovely.

Dd1 crying in garden , dp goes out to see what's wrong, one of her friends had said "that man (DP) isn't your REAL daddy"

Dd1 really upset, DP is effectively her step father yes, but dd1 has only just in last yea started having contact with her biological father, she sees him everyother week. Dd1 calls her biological father by his first name but knows who he is, knows she has "two" families and we keep it all light and relaxed and she seems quite happy - but sees DP who has been bringin her up since she was 1 as her daddy. (x excepts this and doesn't mind)

I felt really cross, DP is quite upset - bassically this little girl kept telling my DD everytime she said daddy, "that's not your daddy"

When her parents came to collect her I hid (was too upset to be honest, made myself busy with party bags)

Have sent her a message saying was shocked and disappointed that she had been gossiping and discussing a very sensitive grown up issue infront of her daughter and was saddened that it had been repeated to my daughter, asked her to explain to her daughter that DP is dd1's daddy and that's the end of it. Thanked her for coming and for present etc. Was iBu to say any thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 23:32

Oh zookeeper really? DD is well aware she has two men that love her, dp is her daddy. X is too. It's not about that. It's about a kid correcting my daughter over and over again - because her mother had told her that my partner is not DDs real dad. It's none of her business. She certainly should not be telling her daughter anything about it.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:33

zookeeper would you say that children's adopted parents are not their real parents Hmm. In the kids eyes they are, they are the ones who love them, who nurture, protect them, care for them when they are sick.

mercibucket · 16/10/2011 23:33

Ok then so your dd knows she has two daddies and is five and at school. Doesn't that mean the whole class know already or is she not allowed to tell people about it? How do you want people to explain to their four year olds how some people have 2 daddies and others don't? Is it the phrase 'real dad' that you don't want used? Think the other mums response shows she has been answering a q from er daughter - who heard it from your daughter.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:33

I don't think so zookeeper you are talking a load of bollocks

garlicScaresVampires · 16/10/2011 23:34

YANBU but I wouldn't have done it by text or made such a big deal about it. Presumably "real daddy" is intended to mean "biological father", which you've admirably explained to DD and could have been settled with a few calm words.

My bloody mother does this all the time - she goes into lengthy and completely unnecessary expositions about step-relationships and adoptees. She reckons she doesn't value one type of "blood" over another, but betrays her prejudice with embarrassing regularity Angry

DooinMeCleanin · 16/10/2011 23:36

It is not rubbish Zookeeper. DH is dd1's real Daddy. He is the only man she has ever had as a Daddy. Ex arsehole left me when I pregnant with her and has not clapped eyes on her in her life. He is no more her Daddy than I am The Queen of the World and regardless of if he ever comes into her life he will never have the title Daddy because he has not earnt it. The man who raised her has that priveledge.

TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 23:36

But I really don't get the big issue about anyone knowing her dad isn't her biological dad. It makes it seem like something to be ashamed of.

zookeeper · 16/10/2011 23:38

Children deserve honesty. My dd is 6 and knows who her mum and dad are. she also knows she has a stepmum. I'm sure the op's dp is very kind and paternal, but he is not her biological father and the child should know that. Same goes for adoptive parents. To do otherwise is wrong imo.

The op might prefer her dp to be the dd's father (and this seems to be the real issue here)but the reality is that he is not and never can be.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:38

some people are lucky because their biological dad is also the one raises them, nutures them and loves them, for others they are not so lucky. They may have a biological dad that for some reason is not involved in their life (be it DV, abandonment whatever), and instead may like the op dd have a step father (or a real father) who does all the things a father should do.

A1980 · 16/10/2011 23:40

It's about a kid correcting my daughter over and over again - because her mother had told her that my partner is not DDs real dad. It's none of her business. She certainly should not be telling her daughter anything about it.

Exactly! She should not be telling her 5 year old.

zookeeper · 16/10/2011 23:40

It's not about anyone earning the right to be a daddy; it's about the dd knowing who her real father is. It's her right to know.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:40

Yes I agree that children deserve honesty, I think the op is in the process of helping her dd with this, and as a result her dd is still adjusting and is very sensitive at the moment.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:41

Erm biological daddy

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:41

is what you mean I presume

TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 23:42

I think the mum should have explained to her dd that her friend calls her step-dad daddy and that he is basically her real dad but to expect her to lie or brush the child off is a bit much.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:44

For me and a lot of people a real daddy is one that raises the child, loves and nurtures it, most are lucky to have their biological daddy as their real dad but not everybody like in Dooinmecleanin situation

zookeeper · 16/10/2011 23:44

There's be nothing to adjust to if the child had been told the truth from the, surely?

zookeeper · 16/10/2011 23:44

from the outset, surely?

wannaBe · 16/10/2011 23:45

so - your dd has recently begun contact with her biological father. Do you honestly believe that she's never talked about that to her friends? Because if you do then you are very naive IMO. Children talk about things. they tell their friends things in the most casual manner and then often the friends go back home and ask their parents about it. What do you expect the parents to say - "oh no dear it's all a secret and we mustn't talk about it."?

It's highly likely your dd has mentioned her biological father to her classmates and this is how the discussion has come about.

No, it's not nice the way the child reacted but five year olds don't do empathy - they just come out with it.

A little boy asked my ds a couple of years ago "is that your real daddy?" based on the fact he himself was on holiday with his mum and stepdad. It's a lot simpler to children than it is to us.

Fwiw my dad's youngest brother found out he was adopted when he was seven and a school friend told him. Shock

I'm afraid it's really simple - if you don't want people knowing and discussing your business then don't tell them. And if people know then it's best your child knows the truth from you before they find it out from someone else.

garlicScaresVampires · 16/10/2011 23:45

Children deserve honesty. - Nobody's disagreed with that, zoo, but the issue is whether sperm makes a 'father'. I agree with most that being a "real daddy" is a matter of commitment, sustained actions and parenting. If the progenitor is not a parent, they are NOT the "real" parent. They're the bio dad or mum.

I don't know what the situation is with your DD or whether that's influenced your preference.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:46

Yes zookeeper children do have feelings and do need to adjust to the situation, they are human too not robots who assimilate information in an emotionless manner Hmm

mercibucket · 16/10/2011 23:46

Sorry op but I think you are getting distrActed - it's not the 'gossipy mum part' it's the repeating over and over that is the issue. 4 year olds can be annoying for this and it is good for the mum to be aware that her explanation has gone a bit awry but I am baffled now as to why you think this was something onlu your family knew about. Kids talk to each other about this kind of thing as well

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 16/10/2011 23:46

How does

dd1 has only just in last yea started having contact with her biological father, she sees him everyother week. Dd1 calls her biological father by his first name but knows who he is

tally with

Chipping, DD is just 5. She doesn't know about "biological" dad or not

She knows she has two Daddies - why is this such an issue for you? I really don't understand?

A1980 - I don't actually give a flying fuck what you think of me. I don't post on here for your approval. Hard to believe I know. I'm sorry you struggled as a child re your Dad, but this isn't about you. You have no idea how this all came about. The OP's DD is 5, she lives with her Daddy and sees her biological father - she's bound to talk about them both at school. She's probably said something to this kid, who has said something to her Mum and her Mum has explained it to her. No big deal. You can't expect 5 year olds to keep state secrets.

planetpotty · 16/10/2011 23:47

This is just a thought but here goes....how about not focussing on the mum of DDs friend but more on the fact that your DD was so upset by her friend banging on about how DP is not her real Daddy - kids are like that they dont realise how cruel they are being :( DD could have said yeah he is ive got two Daddies so there! Maybe DD needs the situation clarifying and sorting out inside her head and then can deal with things like this easier.

Hope that makes sense??

A1980 · 16/10/2011 23:49

A1980 - I don't actually give a flying fuck what you think of me. I don't post on here for your approval. Hard to believe I know.

Fuck off

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