To set this woman right?

[OnlyWantsOne]

Dd1 birthday party (she's now 5)

Invited all our family and few friends from school - tea and cake, nothing too major - was really lovely.

Dd1 crying in garden , dp goes out to see what's wrong, one of her friends had said "that man (DP) isn't your REAL daddy"

Dd1 really upset, DP is effectively her step father yes, but dd1 has only just in last yea started having contact with her biological father, she sees him everyother week. Dd1 calls her biological father by his first name but knows who he is, knows she has "two" families and we keep it all light and relaxed and she seems quite happy - but sees DP who has been bringin her up since she was 1 as her daddy. (x excepts this and doesn't mind)

I felt really cross, DP is quite upset - bassically this little girl kept telling my DD everytime she said daddy, "that's not your daddy"

When her parents came to collect her I hid (was too upset to be honest, made myself busy with party bags)

Have sent her a message saying was shocked and disappointed that she had been gossiping and discussing a very sensitive grown up issue infront of her daughter and was saddened that it had been repeated to my daughter, asked her to explain to her daughter that DP is dd1's daddy and that's the end of it. Thanked her for coming and for present etc. Was iBu to say any thing?

Another one here who thinks it OUTRAGEOUS that this woman discuss it with her dd, for any reason.

I know my DS is an open mouth book. He says things. When his dad left, he must have spoken about it at school.

2 weeks later, he invites a lad to tea. We'd not walked half way home before the boy says out of the blue 'I've got a dad and you haven't'

I was utterly

Give ds his due, he said 'Oh I have got a dad, he in his country'

i was really proud of him for coming back like that, aged 5, but WT?

That lad's comment made ME cry buckets later. Safe to say he won't be darkening my door any time soon. He behaved very badly aside from that, was rude to me and to DS. I've wholeheartedly supported the school decision to split them up into different classes (unrelated to the comment) and I've spoken to DS about what he said about our family, and that while it's nothing wrong, and happens to many, many families, that there are some really stupid people that will use that information to make us feel bad or sad, and it's not their business.

The issue is that the child is upset if by someone saying "that's not your daddy" because she doesn't understand this two daddy business.

You don't have to put 'real' in the sentence at all.

A child can have a daddy that made them and one that they live with, or a take on that, depending on the circumstances.

There is material on the internet, if people are struggling to explain things to children on all subject matters.

Unless the situation directly affects the child, they don't need to know about it, until they are slightly older than the child in this senario, as they are very black and white and tactless.

It isn't anyone elses business the title that we give to each other in families.

Blimey, you're a sensitive bunch. My dd is going for tea tomorrow with her friend who's dad has left a couple of months ago as the marriage has broken down. Am I to lie about it if she asks me like it's some shameful secret? It's life!

off to bed now. I'm a single mum. My dcs sometimes are asked by their friends why they don't have a daddy; they simply explain that they do and that he lives in another town. It wouldn't cross my mind to be furious that someone had told their friends that their daddy lived elsewhere because that is the truth.

But you could say that about a lot of things. Like if dd asks me what her friends mums name is, or were she works or how old they are etc. I would be honest unless they had said not to be. I know a lot of people who have step parents and not one who has an issue with anyone knowing so I am actually shocked that anyone would want to hide it when their child is aware and discussing it with your child anyway.
The being mean is a separate issue and could have been about anything.

HerScaryness - the child was just saying what he thought was the facts - kids do. At 5 they really haven't learnt a lot of tact. What your DS said back was factual. It's the grown ups that read far too much into what they say.

Why was it OUTRAGEOUS of the Mum to talk to her daughter about it if her daughter said something about the Op's DD having two Dads?? What was she supposed to do - threaten her daughter into silence?

A lot of fuss about nothing. It's a shame the OP's DD was upset, but frankly, a chat to both of the girls could have sorted this out in 2 minutes. The OP's DD is seeing her bio dad - it's no secret.... why the fuss?

I kind of assumed there was a convo in the other home, which went:

DD: OWODD has got a new daddy!
M: Oh, really, what's happened to her old daddy?
DD: No, silly, she's still got him! She's got two now!
M: Ah, I see.
DD: Why can't I have 2 daddies?
M:
M: Well, OWODD's normal daddy isn't her real daddy, but the real one went away so OWO got a new/better one, and that's her normal daddy. Now the real one's come back to see her.
DD: Will you get me a new daddy, too, mum, pleeeease?
M: I can't do that, darling, because your normal daddy is your real daddy.
DD: But I want two!
M: Your daddy's like both of OWODD's daddies, rolled into one. He's a double-dad ...
DD: Aha, so mine's a real daddy, but OWODD's isn't?
M: Yes, dear, now put that down and stop your baby brother climbing in the tumble dryer.

See? Easily done [hgrin]

"It wouldn't cross my mind to be furious that someone had told their friends that their daddy lived elsewhere"

but if the adult in the equation had told their child that their daddy had left them, then they would be out of order.

Perhaps as adults we do need to think a bit more carefully about our use of language and how we put things across to children.

The child probably thought that she was being clever, as 5 year olds do, by pointing out what she thought was a fact. The word 'real' should never have been used around her, that's where the problem lies and the fact that it wasn't dealt with at the time.

Zoo - shocking isn't it - that one can simply cope with the truth of the matter.

OnlyWantsOne - you say your Ex was violent & abusive. I'm really sorry if you have been made to allow your DD to have contact with him and that your lovely DP is no longer the only Daddy in your DD's life (which I assume you would prefer - I know I would), but unfortunately you, your DD and your DP are all going to have to get used to explaining this to other people, kids & adults will pass innocent comments, it will help you all if you can just do the 'DP is Daddy and bio dad is x' without getting upset by it. If you continually get this wound up and upset by it, you'll make yourself ill and your DD will never take it in her stride.

The terminology 'real' for 'bio' is galling and potentially offensive (except to zookeeper and my mother.) But it's pretty common. Bio- dads and mums have only been around since the nineties or so, haven't they?

Chipping. You forget. I heard the little sod. There was a nah-nah-nah-nah-nah in the voice. it wasn't a factual statement. DS responded in a defensive manner. There was no other way he could have replied.

i was prepared to give him that ONE shot for free, because up until that point it was DS 1st friend at school etc etc. He went on, however, to be SO rude to me, and to DS and then after I found out the extent of his rudeness to DS when they were in DS room, so that was that.

Fuss over nothing eh? with respect, but WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK?

YOU try sitting there when some gobby kid spouts something that is private/family business, in front of others and potentially deliberately to score points. You watch your own sweet child's face fall, you feel the invisible punch to your gut as you watch them try to recover.

I knew kids could be cruel. I was expecting it at some point, but not 2 weeks into the abusive vile tosser leaving. Seeing my boy have to defend himself so soon broke my bloody heart. I have no doubt that OnlyWantsOne feels heartbroken FOR her little girl.

It was stupid, it was needless and it was none of that families business to be discussing it. I hope OnlyWantsOne adopts a very low whisper and tells that mother how her child's birthday was marred, how her whole family was hurt by this woman's gossiping and insane need to comment on something that was nothing to do with anyone.

Garlic has said what i wanted to say.the biological dad (rightly or wrongly) is colloquially often referred to as the 'real' dad.
OP YABU you can't blame people for answering their children's questions.i had a friend whose 4 yo DD was called a different name to the rest of the family (mum had remarried and had a baby with newpartner)The trouble was that their DD had no clue that her step dad wasn't her biological father.My DS1 then 4,was girls's best friend and wanted to know why she had a different surname. What would you do in that situation??

No actually it hasn't, there were a lot of re-marriages after each world war and the term bio, to describe what would have been the childs, now deceased father, was used.

You can put things in any way you want to be snidey, of course, but i don't think children should be used in those games.

Really? I never knew that - cheers for the info, Birds.

I certainly never heard it. People used to talk about a child's 'natural' father, which has to be at least as offensive as 'real'. That was in the 60s, though, not postwar. Still, if the term 'bio' was available shortly after WW2, my mother has even less of an excuse for her rudeness!

Thing is we had a school friend come for tea and she told us she was adopted while we were having tea. This information wasn't newto me as her mum had been deeply upset earlier in the week, as another child at school had said her mum wasn't her mum and therefore she shouldn't call her mum. The little girl was upset.
However, while here my dd1 said "so your mum an dad aren't your real mum and dad"
I was pretty quick to correct dd and explain that mum and dad are the people who look after you everyday, and love and care for you and not always the people who give birth to you. These girls are 8!! Sometimes kids say stupid things.

But I would have sent same messge as you

So it's fair and reasonable to tell your 4 year old things that you are told by another adult - that concern sensitive and emotive issues, with the possibility that your 4 year old may go and repeat to others, including the children it involves? Even if you are aware that those children it concerns do not know what you are telling your own child?

Well fuck me I must be living in a freaky old world.

DD does not call DP her step dad. She does not understand what the concept of biological father is.

How things are said does perpetuate an attitude towards the subect matter, people like to feel better than others and won't admit to it, so they throw in a few choice words instead, job done.

Those that need something to feel smug about will no doubt never question themselves or their use of language and make sure that they pass on the same to their children.

How would you have liked her to respond to "Why has OWO's DD got two daddies when I've only got one?" Genuine question, I might need to know this one day.

Well I think maybe you should explain it to her. If she goes around telling other kids she has 2 dads she is gong to get a variety of responses - some of which is bound to upset her.

HerScaryness - the 'a lot of fuss about nothing' was not aimed at you, but at the general argueing on the thread. One comment, as you say, gets the 'one shot for free'. I wasn't commenting on the rest of his visit to your house... he does sound like a proper little shit. I also agree that it's a shame your DS had to deal with this so quickly after your DH went back to his country - but I'm bloody glad he did go back and I hope your life has been much better since then!

WRT to the OP though, we don't know if her DD had told her school friends about going to see her other daddy, then the little girls spoke to her mum who put her straight. The thing is, the OP needs to prepare her DD for this happening now that she's seeing her bio dad. It sounds like a shame she has to see him, but she is, so it is going to come up.

OnlyWantsOne - but you said DD knows she has two Daddies - so what exactly has this child been told that your child does not know. You are being very confusing.

Well - maybe that's your mistake right there. Why doesn't your DD understand biological father, why does she think she has 2 Daddies?

Dd knows she has two dads. DP and her biological dad. She isn't aware that DP isn't her "real" dad. There is no difference between them. There are no labels attached

Clarified for you?

Why the fuck are you trying to critique what I've told my daughter? For 4 years her REAL father was no where on the scene. She has only just started to have unsupervised contact with him