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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To set this woman right?

187 replies

OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 22:23

Dd1 birthday party (she's now 5)

Invited all our family and few friends from school - tea and cake, nothing too major - was really lovely.

Dd1 crying in garden , dp goes out to see what's wrong, one of her friends had said "that man (DP) isn't your REAL daddy"

Dd1 really upset, DP is effectively her step father yes, but dd1 has only just in last yea started having contact with her biological father, she sees him everyother week. Dd1 calls her biological father by his first name but knows who he is, knows she has "two" families and we keep it all light and relaxed and she seems quite happy - but sees DP who has been bringin her up since she was 1 as her daddy. (x excepts this and doesn't mind)

I felt really cross, DP is quite upset - bassically this little girl kept telling my DD everytime she said daddy, "that's not your daddy"

When her parents came to collect her I hid (was too upset to be honest, made myself busy with party bags)

Have sent her a message saying was shocked and disappointed that she had been gossiping and discussing a very sensitive grown up issue infront of her daughter and was saddened that it had been repeated to my daughter, asked her to explain to her daughter that DP is dd1's daddy and that's the end of it. Thanked her for coming and for present etc. Was iBu to say any thing?

OP posts:
TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 23:14

Did you actually tell the other mum not to tell her dd though? I think domestic violence is a different issue as that's not something you would discuss with a child whereas a lot of families are quite open about step parents.

A1980 · 16/10/2011 23:15

^ That's awful OP. Why can't people shut their mouths? I fail to see why your family business needs to be explained to a 5 year old and I would tell her that, she has no right.

I've gathered that your DD didn't know her "daddy" wasn't her biologial father until told by a 5 year old?

I would blank this woman to be honest. I really would.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 23:16

Bestwitch - she could have said "yes that's nice" not yes she lives with a man that's not her dad her Real dad lives some where else

OP posts:
zookeeper · 16/10/2011 23:16

I think YABU. It's nothing to be ashamed of is it? The mum may have just explained the difference between a stepdad and a dad. I don't see why you're so cross

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 23:18

To be honest I'm dissapointed that this woman thought it appropriate to "explain" any thing. It's feck all to do with her. She is aware that the situation Is complicated and at the heart of all this is my upset confused 5 year old who sees dp as her daddy

OP posts:
TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 23:19

My dd wouldn't be fobbed off with 'that's nice'. I'd get endless why's. Also unless I'd been specifically asked not to tell dd I would think skirting around the issue would be making it seem like a shameful secret or something.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:20

zookeeper the consequence of her telling her dd is that the woman's dd used the information to be mean to the op dd and made her cry on more than one occasion, not just once. No its nothing to be ashamed of but its obviously a sensitive topic espcially as there was dv involved. Not everyone wants their family business broadcast to the world do they, families are allowed to have some privacy are they not Hmm

mercibucket · 16/10/2011 23:20

Ahhh so your dd didn't know? Sorry, thought she did. Did the other mum know it was a secret?

zookeeper · 16/10/2011 23:21

And I don't see how this undermines your DP's role as you say. He may be a thousand times more of a dad to your dd than he4 own dad but she's old enough to understand he's not her "real" daddy

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/10/2011 23:21

OP... if it's not common knowledge outside your family... how does this woman know about it at all?

I don't think you were unreasonable to speak to this woman about it but to do it by text isn't perhaps the best way. Can't you speak to her on a one-to-one and just say that your family circumstances are nobody else's business and as far as she and anybody else are concerned, your DP is DD's dad, end of story...:

zookeeper · 16/10/2011 23:22

but she didn't tell her about the dv Confused. I just don't see the big deal. Chances are half her class has stepdads

A1980 · 16/10/2011 23:23

Those of you who see it as so accpetable, why don't all of you start telling your 5 year olds your friends family business. See how many friends you have left at the end of it when you DC's come out with it in public and your friend gets wind of it.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:24

thebest if you are asked not to tell anyone than you should respect that! If your dd asks you should change the topic,its not yours to tell. Children don't have to know everything just because they are kids Hmm. If an adult kept pestering and asking you would not tell them to feck off (not suggesting you say that to your dc) but you can change the subject of adapt it by saying that op has a daddy at home who lives with her mummy.

zookeeper · 16/10/2011 23:25

She's upset because she sees your dp as her daddy? Doesn't sheknow your dp isn't her daddy??

DooinMeCleanin · 16/10/2011 23:26

You need to be honest with your child. Keep it simple. DP is her Daddy, who lives with and loves her. He is the 'real' Daddy, if you like but a different man (XP) helped to make her and so is her biological father. This makes her real Daddy even more sepcial because he choose to be her Daddy because of how much he loves her.

This is what I told dd1 who has no problems in correcting the little know it all over the road people who tell her that her Daddy is not her 'real' Daddy.

If XP moans about this, then frankly he should have stepped up when she was born and the he would have the right to be called Daddy.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 23:26

Zookeeper - we all tell DD she has two families, two dads - dp who lives with her, takes her to school and puts her to bed, loves her like DD2 and would do any thing for her, and X, who she sees and spends time with her and loves her etc

Ex isn't allowed to know school / address nothing, my "friend" was aware of this. As asked her if could put her down as emergency contact for school as she lives so close and DD likes her.

OP posts:
TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 23:26

The op hasn't said that she asked the woman not to tell her dd. If she did then I agree she was being u because she was betraying a confidence. But I wouldn't automatically lie if I hadn't been asked to.

I assume the dd does know as she has met her bio dad. If the dd didn't know then I would say the op was being u to tell her friends mum!

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:27

zookeeper not everything has to be broadcast to the world. OP dd is sensitive right now and has every right to her feelings, just because its usual does not make it any easier for her dd. My dad died of cancer when I was 11, loads of kids dads die, but does not mean I cannot feel sad and grieve and have to have a matter of fact approach to it.

A1980 · 16/10/2011 23:28

The op hasn't said that she asked the woman not to tell her dd.

For christ sake! She shouldn't have to!

worraliberty · 16/10/2011 23:28

Look really, this is going around and round in circles.

Unless we know the exact circumstance and reason the Mum explained to her child about the OP's family situation...it's just guess work.

My DS asked me last week if his friend's parents were still together because he noticed them sitting either side of the hall at the school play.

I said "No, as far as I know they're not"

A simple question and a simple answer

For all we know it could have been a similar simple question and answer between the Mum and her DD.

zookeeper · 16/10/2011 23:29

Sorry OP but I think YABU in not telling your dd the truth. She has two daddies. She sounds like she has a lovely stepdad but that is not her daddy!

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:30

The op should have also told the mum to keep it confidential, but she was not to know that the mum would tell her dd about it.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:31

zookeeper a daddy is someone who nurtures, loves and takes care of the child, the biological dad is someone who helped make her. So op dh is her dd daddy, as he loves, takes care and looks after her.

TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 23:31

But piglet if your friend asked her mum where your dad was and she told her your dad had died would you have considered that gossipping? I would just say it was being honest providing you hadn't been specifically asked to keep it to yourself. Everyone I know who is a step parent is completely open about it and it honestly wouldn't occur to me to lie to my child - I wouldn't consider it private business unless they'd told me not to say anything.

zookeeper · 16/10/2011 23:32

Oh rubbish pigletmania.