Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To set this woman right?

187 replies

OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 22:23

Dd1 birthday party (she's now 5)

Invited all our family and few friends from school - tea and cake, nothing too major - was really lovely.

Dd1 crying in garden , dp goes out to see what's wrong, one of her friends had said "that man (DP) isn't your REAL daddy"

Dd1 really upset, DP is effectively her step father yes, but dd1 has only just in last yea started having contact with her biological father, she sees him everyother week. Dd1 calls her biological father by his first name but knows who he is, knows she has "two" families and we keep it all light and relaxed and she seems quite happy - but sees DP who has been bringin her up since she was 1 as her daddy. (x excepts this and doesn't mind)

I felt really cross, DP is quite upset - bassically this little girl kept telling my DD everytime she said daddy, "that's not your daddy"

When her parents came to collect her I hid (was too upset to be honest, made myself busy with party bags)

Have sent her a message saying was shocked and disappointed that she had been gossiping and discussing a very sensitive grown up issue infront of her daughter and was saddened that it had been repeated to my daughter, asked her to explain to her daughter that DP is dd1's daddy and that's the end of it. Thanked her for coming and for present etc. Was iBu to say any thing?

OP posts:
Cathycomehome · 16/10/2011 22:47

"Mums gossip" - well they might well, and that might be the reality, but maybe they shouldn't in front of their impressionable (and attentive) children to the extent that a child feels the need to say "That's not your daddy - my mum says so" or some such repeatedly to another child.

CalamityKate · 16/10/2011 22:48

It CAN be difficult though, can't it? I mean if the child has asked her Mum questions, triggered by perfectly normal child to child chit chat, then the woman might well have been torn between answering questions honestly, and not wanting to say too much.

Just playing Devil's advocate because we had a tricky situation a while back; DS2's friend is black but his white Mum isn't with his Dad any more. She split with him when her DS was still a baby and is still with the bloke she's been with for years. They got together when DS's friend was a toddler. Basically he can't remember NOT having his stepdad around, and calls him Dad. He has no idea that he isn't his biological Dad.

But then one day DS2 was asking why his friend was black, when his parents are both white.... the honest and truthful reply would have been "Because his Dad isn't his biological Dad" but how on earth could I tell him that? I knew his friend didn't know, and I also knew if I told DS2 the chances were that it would come out in his and his friend's conversation at some point. I didn't want to tell him the truth followed by ".........but don't tell R" (the friend) because that wouldn't be right either....

I think I just changed the subject in the end.... Blush

worraliberty · 16/10/2011 22:49

YANBU to be annoyed at the little girl

But honestly, this is not the 1950's and there are divorced/separated people everywhere you look.

I don't think the Mum did anything wrong...but she does need to speak to her DD because she sounds quite mean.

TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 22:49

But if she knows that your dd has met her biological dad she probably thought there was no harm in her dd knowing. I doubt she expected her to be so horrible abut it. It might have come up in a conversation about biological parents in general. I doubt she sat her down and told her. No less upsetting for your dd but I doubt there was any nasty intent from the mum.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 22:50

Chipping, DD is just 5. She doesn't know about "biological" dad or not. She has her daddy, and she has XP and his family.

It's quite frankly nothing to do with this woman. She would never meet X.

OP posts:
Cathycomehome · 16/10/2011 22:52

There are divorced/separated/other circumstances all over the place - but families don't always want them advertised for whatever reason, and since OP has said the circumstances weren't widely known outside the family, the other mum should've maybe been more careful about what she gossiped about discussed in front of her daughter.

alwayspoor · 16/10/2011 22:53

I think you should have rang or face to face with the girl's mother. -even though I probably wouldn't have and text would have done-

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 22:56

YANBU at all, the mum should never have said anything to her 5 year old daughter, it was the mums fault and good thing you pulled her up on it and her loose mouth.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 16/10/2011 22:57

I think you behaved very well...I might have phoned the Mum and had her come to remove her nasty child if she had kept saying it.

I hope your DD is ok.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 22:57

Yes the mum did do something wrong, she discussed what is not her business with her 5 year old dd who is very young and not able to fully understand situations.

worraliberty · 16/10/2011 22:58

I think it all depends on the circumstance to be honest

It's quite possible your DD mentioned something to her and then she asked her Mum about it...hence the "Mummy said" bit.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 23:00

Dp has just come and hugged me, says he feels rubbish. DD is such a daddies girl, they are so close - makes me feel so sad that his role in her life can be undermined like that. I know I'm being silly, I blame the wine - but X is such a waste of air, it was DDs birthday this week and he didn't even phone to say happy birthday to her Sad

OP posts:
A1980 · 16/10/2011 23:00

*However, I really don't see what either the Mum or the other little girl did wrong really.

The other child is only little as well, it would have been far better to explain to her that your DH is her Daddy, always has been and always will be - but that her biological father doesn't live with you and she calls him x. Kids that age are black & white and need help to see grey!*

I can't believe I just read that. No wonder people's manners are so appalling these days. The OP told a friend of her DD a few details about perosnal family business and she saw fit to tell her own 5 yo DD who then upset the OP's DD at her won birthday party and you think both the mother and her DD have done nothing wrong? Even a 5 yo understands when they're upsetting another child, the fact that they've made them cry is a dead give away.

It the OP's business nobody elses, why the hell should she help a 5 yo guest to understnad their family business at their DD's own party?!

People ought to shut the hell up for a change. When did it become acceptable to discuss a grown ups family matters with your 5 year old?

mercibucket · 16/10/2011 23:02

what on earth is so sensitive about the situation? Is this the 1920s or something? I would imagine your dd has been talking about meeting up with her biological father, other child asks her mum and she explains. I'd have done the same. I'm sure a 4 year old can get rather annoying if they get insistent on a point and she needs pulling up on that, but that text was ott

mercibucket · 16/10/2011 23:02

what on earth is so sensitive about the situation? Is this the 1920s or something? I would imagine your dd has been talking about meeting up with her biological father, other child asks her mum and she explains. I'd have done the same. I'm sure a 4 year old can get rather annoying if they get insistent on a point and she needs pulling up on that, but that text was ott

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:03

There are other more appropriate ways of explaining things to a 5 year old, this wasn't done in a sensitive appropriate way.

A1980 · 16/10/2011 23:04

I say that as a child of divorce who had a brutal father whom we had to leave and run away from. Even though it is nothing to be ashamed of, I would have hated any child at school knowing anything about it. It's nobody's busniess and I did not want to be remined of it by people at school knowing. By the time I was much older (secondary school) and knew how to deal with it better, as did my friends who were older, I hasd no issues talking about it. But it was scary for me as a child and I didn't want people knowing.

It's appalling to tell your children another grown ups personal family matters.

Arachnophobic · 16/10/2011 23:05

Actually, I disagree with Worral and others who basically have said that it was fine for the mum to have discussed this either with, or within the earshot of this little girl.

While such a discussion may have been entirely innocent and with no malice at all, it is certainly not a discussion I would be having in the company of one of my children.

My reasoning being that young children more often than not have a terrible propensity to be brutally honest at the most inappropriate of times. This girl might have meant no harm, and felt she was genuinely stating a fact. Children this age love to be right and correct others, in this situation not knowing the anguish it has caused.

Furthermore, what was the point this woman having the convo with her daughter. Why does she need to know that OP's DP is not the child's biological father? It bears no relevance at all.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:06

Yes obviously merci for that child and her family it is sensitive. We are not talking about 1920's 30's etc, not everyone wants their family matter broadcast to all and sundry, some people do want a bit of privacy or is that too much to ask Hmm. For the op little girl she is just coming to terms with things, and adjusting, she is only 5 not 15 fgs.

A1980 · 16/10/2011 23:07

what on earth is so sensitive about the situation? Is this the 1920s or something?

it's the OP's business and that's waht makes it sensitive as it IS sensitive to her. It is NOT for other people to decide what is sensitive and what is not and to unilaterally decide to tell a 5 year old child about it as they deem it not to be sensitive information. Would you like it if your friends deemed what parts of your life they determine sensitive or not? It's the OP's call.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:07

Just because it happens all over the country does not mean people find it easy and it will be he ho jolly hocksticks all round, it can be quite messy situation for some families with children caught in the middle.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 23:10

I had told this woman that ex was violent and abusive also, would it have been appropriate for her to tell her 4 year old that?

I have to face this woman at school in the morning. Her reply was so bloody arrogant. She "explained the situation" to her daughter: FGS there is nothing relevant to her to be explained.

Dd got so upset. She sees DP as her daddy Sad

OP posts:
TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 23:11

If your dd's friend did ask her mum about her friend having 2 dads prompted by something your dd said to her what would you want the childs mum to have said?
I think you ere bu to send the message you sent but it was right to say something so the mum can have a word to ensure her dd doesn't upset your dd again.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 23:13

OP you were completely right, but I would have telephoned the woman. There are somethings that you should not tell kids, or adjust things slightly, kids don't have to know about everything.

Arachnophobic · 16/10/2011 23:14

Her response surprises me.

Even if I felt I had done nothing wrong I would apologise at the upset that had been caused subsequently.