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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To set this woman right?

187 replies

OnlyWantsOne · 16/10/2011 22:23

Dd1 birthday party (she's now 5)

Invited all our family and few friends from school - tea and cake, nothing too major - was really lovely.

Dd1 crying in garden , dp goes out to see what's wrong, one of her friends had said "that man (DP) isn't your REAL daddy"

Dd1 really upset, DP is effectively her step father yes, but dd1 has only just in last yea started having contact with her biological father, she sees him everyother week. Dd1 calls her biological father by his first name but knows who he is, knows she has "two" families and we keep it all light and relaxed and she seems quite happy - but sees DP who has been bringin her up since she was 1 as her daddy. (x excepts this and doesn't mind)

I felt really cross, DP is quite upset - bassically this little girl kept telling my DD everytime she said daddy, "that's not your daddy"

When her parents came to collect her I hid (was too upset to be honest, made myself busy with party bags)

Have sent her a message saying was shocked and disappointed that she had been gossiping and discussing a very sensitive grown up issue infront of her daughter and was saddened that it had been repeated to my daughter, asked her to explain to her daughter that DP is dd1's daddy and that's the end of it. Thanked her for coming and for present etc. Was iBu to say any thing?

OP posts:
garlicScaresVampires · 17/10/2011 00:53

Insufficiently clarified, because I still don't know what I should say if a child asks me about a friend who has two dads.

Cathycomehome · 17/10/2011 00:57

Actually, there are situations in which children do NOT need to know anything about their conception and in which their "not real daddies" ARE their "daddies". It is not ALWAYS in the child's interest to know who their "dads" are.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 01:00

Right. Well, I think you are asking for trouble not explaining to her why/how she has two Dads. Kids at school will ask which one is her real Dad or why she has two Dads etc. She needs to know the answers so she can reply without getting upset.

If she had had the knowledge she would have been able to tell the other child at her party that 'DP is my real Daddy because he loves me and looks after me, x is my other Daddy, he made me/put me in mummys tummy/whatever', instead of just crying because she was confused.

You can't blame children for saying things that are true, just because you don't like what they are saying.

Your DD has probably said something to her at school and she's asked her Mum about it. The Mum didn't tell her DD something your DD didn't know, she just used different words to you.

I do understand that this must be hard for you, DD & DP - but sadly it's something you have no choice but to deal with. You can't keep your and DD's heads in the sand and expect others to do the same :(

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 17/10/2011 01:01

Garlic, surely it would be dependent on circumstances. And what the child in question knew about the situation.

OP posts:
Cathycomehome · 17/10/2011 01:02

See above - not in THIS case, as father has been introduced, and OP is just trying to do it in a low key way - but in SOME cases - no children DON'T need to know.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 17/10/2011 01:04

Chipping - DD has only recently been seeing him away from supervision by social workers - everything is still very fresh and we are taking things slowly and answering questions as they arise. She is happy with the situation currently. I was not prepared for a child to regurgitate what she has been told by her mother. Who, does not have the right, or the accurate facts of the situation to do so.

OP posts:
AnxiousElephant · 17/10/2011 01:04

chipping er probably because how babies are made isn't the conversation you need for a five year old Hmm

I think the mum might have just explained what a step dad is to be honest but the little girl was clearly being pretty mean because she continued saying those things when asked to stop.
YANBU to be upset but I think I would have mentioned it when she was picked up rather than texting.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 01:05

cathy - that may be true - but when they are going to see them then they do need to know what's what or rather who is who.

x-posted with your last post Only.

I am not 'trying to critique' what you have told your daughter, I am trying to understand your somewhat confusing posts.

You asked if you were being unreasonable - you are. I was simply trying to help you work your way through this so that you aren't continually upset by it. However, you no longer seem to want that so I'll say goodnight.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 01:08

x posted again

Only - the thing is, you don't know what your DD has been saying at school. I just don't think it's fair to assume this woman set out to tell her 4/5 yo things you'd rather she hadn't - when you don't know if your DD started it by saying something about both of her Dads.

AnxiousElephant - and why not exactly? It's not some shameful secret. Nearly every child with 2 Dads knows that one is the one that made them. No big deal.

garlicScaresVampires · 17/10/2011 01:08

what the child in question knew about the situation.

  • This would be what your DD told her, surely? That she now has two dads!

I did say earlier, I hoped you would answer this question because it's so bloody likely to happen! I would respond pretty much as in my joke conversation, though I hope I'd say "bio" and explain the necessary parts about reproduction and marriage. But you can't just answer a child, "She's got two, you've got one, shut up." Well, I wouldn't anyway ...

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 17/10/2011 01:13

Garlic, she doesn't now have two dads, she's sort of always had both of them, unfortunately one of them isn't a very nice man and decided to be a twat rather than a daddy years ago and only recently realised (I'm sure after lots of pressure from his mother) that he really Should sort it out!!

DD hardly ever talks about him - she's quite chilled about it really. Until today!!

OP posts:
garlicScaresVampires · 17/10/2011 01:16

OK, I'm trying to make a constructive contribution ...

Would it be better to say:

George is Elsie's Daddy now. But Fred used to be her dad before he went away. So she has kind of got two daddies, though she only sees the old one when he visits.

... kind of thing?

garlicScaresVampires · 17/10/2011 01:19

Yeah, I get why you're a bit sore around the whole topic. I wouldn't expect a friend to tell her 5yo daughter all about the vicissitudes of marriage, but she has got to say something about the existence of two 'dad's ... as, presumably, that's what your DD boasted told her.

MrsHuxtable · 17/10/2011 01:20

I have a little anecdote to contribute.

When I was in secondary school, both parents of a girl in my class, called C, died within a short space of each other. We must have been about 12 at the time. She wasn't very popular so not a lot of stuff was known about her or the circumstances. Fast forward a couple of years and some of my best friends were gossiping to me that another girl, whose mum was a therapist, told them that C's parents died of AIDS because they were leading some sort of weird sex life. You can imagine how big that news was for bored teenagers. I went home and told my mum about it and guess what? It turend out that my mum had known all along. She had given C's grandmother a lift home after a parents evening. The granny confided in her but my mum didn't deem this to be appropriate knowlegde for a teenager, probably guessing that info like that would do the rounds pretty quickly.

Now the shocking thing is that the mum who gossiped came to have this information through her job, so it really should have been confidential but what I'm trying to say its that if you are a tactful and reasonably sensible adult, you should know that certain information is not to be spoken about in front of your children because you never know who they are going to tell and what damage might be caused.

It's all common sense really!

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 17/10/2011 01:20

Well we at the moment, DP is daddy. Always has been since she learnt to talk and ex is daddy (then his name) that's how social workers introduced him to her. Wasnt our doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 17/10/2011 01:22

MrsH Sad that poor girl

OP posts:
ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 01:28

Doesn't she want to know why she suddenly (to her) has another Daddy? If you haven't told her that he's her bio dad, don't you worry that she will think that new Daddies just pop up all over the place for no apparent reason? (presumably she was happy with just Daddy before she was introduced to Daddy x??).

garlicScaresVampires · 17/10/2011 01:32

God, MrsH, what a harrowing story.

bottlebank · 17/10/2011 01:45

Well, OP, I don't think you are being in the SLIGHTEST bit U.

I will never forget my eldest, somewhat similar situation to you, proudly saying to a little girl in the playground "I have two daddies".

Little girl said to her mother "Y says she has two daddies" - the mum, quick as you like, snapped back with "well that's hardly something to be proud of".

Horrible woman. The worst things I've heard have always been from adults, kids are usually just genuinely interested and curious and open to new ideas.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 17/10/2011 02:04

OP - you're not being unreasonable to be upset by this.

However, there is a huge assumption going on here that your DD's friend's mother was either gossiping and was overheard, or actually went out of her way to tell her DD. This is a massive assumption.

You don't know that this is what happened. Are you absolutely certain that your DD hasn't relayed any of her life to her friends at school? Is there absolutely no way that your DD's friend couldn't have actually heard this from the horse's mouth, i.e. your DD - and then questioned her mother about it to make sense of it all? Mother then clarified it in the best, possibly most simple way she could, which then became, in her daughter's mind, 'my mummy told me...'?

You obviously know the situation better than any of us randoms on the internet, but you seem determined to think the absolute worst in this; that it was all done maliciously, whereas it may well have been a case of the Mum being asked a question in the spot, endeavouring to answer it as best she could, putting the whole thing from her mind, and it leading the situation you all find yourselves in now.

This could so, so easily have been what happened. I'm not saying your DD's friend wasn't being malicious - she very probably was. But her Mum? Not necessarily.

And this is why, as hard as it is, these sorts of things should never be resolved by text. Because nothing has been resolved, has it? Her response wasn't in the slightest bit satisfactory for you. She didn't get to possibly put your mind at rest as to how it all came out into the open. And you still have to face her at the school gates, where it's going to be 10 times more awkward than if you'd just approached her directly and asked to have a quiet word.

troisgarcons · 17/10/2011 05:15

Son had a friend at primary who was brought up by Dad and SM. Real mum and new partner weren't always on the scene (think they flitted abroad a lot). Anyway I can remember going to a Y1 birthday party for this boy and all the parents were there.

You try explaining that to your 6yo when you get home, becasue they wanted to portray the image of 'happy families'. (years down the line we realised it was nything but .... thats another story) The issue of step parents and divorce wasn't particularly something I wanted to go into at that time but my hand was forced bytheir public portrayal of their rather unique family life.

Now it mightn't be anyone elses business what the OP decides to tell people however she has given the other mother a skim through of family business. Some people do talk to their children openily about things. Children also talk openly, they are chatterboxes, they will tell anything to everyone who shows an interest in them. A simple 'what did you do this weekend' can open an entire floodgate of information.

snailoon · 17/10/2011 06:28

It seems obvious that the girl at your party had absorbed her attitude from her mother. So her mother is thinking bio=real, which to me is the issue here. I think, and have told my kids from age 3 or 4 that real=person who is THERE (and is considered to be Daddy by child). Whether this is overheard by or explained to child, her mum's attitude is bad IMVHO. It doesn't surprise me that mum's bad attitude is also apparent in child's rude behaviour.

GalaxyWeaver · 17/10/2011 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Groovee · 17/10/2011 08:34

I'd have been upset if my dd's birthday party was marred by another child feeling the need at 4 to keep telling her that her daddy wasn't her daddy. It's the child's birthday party. I think I would have told the little girl that it is her daddy and to stop saying it as it's not nice to do things like that to people especially on their birthday. How would the other mother actually feel if the boot was on the other foot and a child kept repeating something at a party which quite frankly was none of their business. I bet she'd take it personally and be upset too that her child had been upset at her party.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 17/10/2011 08:44

She has just sent me a message that has made me want to scream.

Fuck I really should have grown a pair and talked to her face to face. She said she doesn't know what she's expected to say to me so she's drawing a line under it I feel I have to go on about it.

OP posts: