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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just gone postal at this woman for making out I was an abusive parent.

290 replies

thatgirlsevil · 15/10/2011 20:33

As the title suggests...I've just gone postal at a woman who decided to follow me down the street and comment on my parenting techniques.

It started off when myself and 3YO DS left a shop after I refused to buy him a treat on the basis of his naughty behaviour (not listening, running off)...he was doing the whole I'm-not-walking collapsed jelly legs thing and I was pretty much hoisting him along and chastising him through gritted teeth (holding him by the wrist but not applying any pressure)...but yes at some points dragging him (no skin touching the floor, just heels) as he protested and tried to resist, although not hurting him to be absolutely clear.

When I let him go he was throwing himself on the concrete and I tried getting down to his level and talking to him but he was too 'in the zone' to see reason...as I shouted at him... exasperated by this point and getting quite upset, he ran off and almost ran into the side road so I grabbed him around the waist, scooped him up as he kicked out and protested and I shouted at him, quite loud...no swearing or horrible words, just general chastising.

The final straw came when I let him down and he bit my middle finger...HARD and broke the skin and it started bleeding quite heavily. I grabbed his hand and at this point started walking very fast across the road to the other side and shouting at him. He was half running beside me and now sobbing...finally moving his legs though because he knew he had totally crossed a line and done something completely unnacceptable.

At this point a woman (mid twenties) sprinted after me and tells me she has been watching out the shop window and it was really terrible to watch...she tells me I should be calm and get down to his level and keeps repeatedly saying how she had been watching and she was sure others were watching and feeling very concerned for the little boys welfare. She said I was making a scene and again, people were watching....and then she actually asked me something along the likes of WHY WAS I TRYING TO GET HIM HOME SO FAST...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN?

It was at this point that I ABSOLUTELY FLIPPED at the suggestion DS might be in danger...and started shouting who the hell was she judging me on the basis of seeing 5 minutes of my parenting at it's worst...I asked her what she was suggesting I might do to DS and how she thinks I could be handling the situation better without spouting Supernanny #101 rhetoric.

I said that I doubted she would have the brass neck to approach a parent who actually was doing something like hitting or swearing at their child in the street.

I basically told her she was an idiot who didn't have a clue what was actually occurring and I clearly needed support rather than condemnation right now. I also said how her tackling me and undermining me in front of DS was idiotic in the extreme when he was clearly having a tantrum, a natural common thing.

I showed her my hand and was shouting about how he'd bit me extremely hard...hence my whipping him across the road and him being in tears. I was ranting now...out of anger, embarrassment and just general exasperation...and I was getting noticeably teary.

I asked her if she had children herself and she hesitated before saying "umm...yes"...it seemed like a lie but maybe she was just floored by my outburst.

She wasn't trying to help me at all...it was as though she wanted me to feel ashamed of how I'd handled the situation and of course I could have handled it better, but at no point did I apply force or hit or swear at DS. I never do.

I burst into tears when I got back home, I was sobbing for myself, DS and I started thinking that the people who witnessed the events must think I'm a fucking monster. I would probably be ashamed to walk down that street again because the fact that this woman thinks I would hurt DS makes me so bloody furious.

I actually asked DS if Mummy had hurt him and he said "No...I was being naughty and I'm sorry for biting you"...I said, please tell me if I hurt you, I'm sorry if I made you feel frightened...he said "I wasn't, I just wanted a treat...but I know I'd been naughty."

I am still so fucking upset. I feel like a shitty shitty Mum.
(sorry it's long)

OP posts:
unpa1dcar3r · 16/10/2011 18:32

Bestwitch I could take away any of those things you mention (not that they have computers/pocket money etc) from my boys and they wouldn't give a flying fart in a biscuit tin...
They have toys, don't play with them. Don't have computers as wouldn't have a clue what to do with them have no concept of money so can't do that one, late bedtimes? they can't tell the time so pointless exercise (plus they'd be up even earlier than 5am! lovely!)

All kids are different.
It's not one size fits all.
the way i discipline my boys is so completely different to the way I needed to discipline my older (NT) girls for example. But they're all awesome anyway!

They all get there in the end and generally turn out alright eventually!

MJlovesscareypants · 16/10/2011 18:33

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Julesnobrain · 16/10/2011 18:34

We all have these days. She was clearly a childless do gooding idiot. I thought you were rather restrained I would have told her to f**k off and mind her own business. Appalling I know but I hate judge nosy Parkers.

Original poster
thatgirlsevil · 16/10/2011 18:34

Why would you need to strap a 3.7 yo in a pushchair? An nt 3.7 yo should be capable of understanding consequences.
I call it abnormal because I've never seen an adult repeatedly shouting at a child and dragging them. If I did I would think they had lost it big time - which you did.
But people on here saying it is an inevitable part of parenting are wrong in my opinion.

It sounded like you were suggesting a pushchair in an earlier post...but I obviously got that wrong. I do think the thing about a 3.7 year old having a sophisticated understanding of consequence is absolute bollocks though. Children can't comprehend something like the finality of death until they are around 6 or 7 years old and it takes time to develop impulse control.

I shouted at him 3 times...between which he had tried to throw himself on a concrete pavement, run away in the direction of a road and bit my finger...you seem to be picturing me dragging DS down the road and shouting incessantly, which wasn't the case.

OP posts:
TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 18:36

I had my kids on reins until I was confident they wouldn't run and be a danger to themselves so that wouldn't have been an issue. I have had to pick them up at times but I still fail to see a situation where you would HAVE to drag them or that it's OK to shout at them over and over.

TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 18:39

Saying that you could take everything off them and they wouldn't care is a bit of a cop out imo. Every child has stuff they care about - a trip to the park with their friend that was planned or whatever there will be something.

MJlovesscareypants · 16/10/2011 18:39

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TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 18:40

Take the reins with you. Better than a child in the road surely?

MJlovesscareypants · 16/10/2011 18:40

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MJlovesscareypants · 16/10/2011 18:42

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pigletmania · 16/10/2011 18:42

We all have off days even the most judgy on here.

RitaMorgan · 16/10/2011 18:42

But BestWitch, if you have a child who refuses to move despite you threatening to take things from them, what do you do? Surely you either pick them up or drag them along with you.

backwardpossom · 16/10/2011 18:45

Bestwitch clearly has an angel child...

TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 18:49

I would pick them up Rita rather than dragging them. The reins wouldn't make them walk but it would stop them bolting which is what some on her said their child would do.

Maybe I do have an angel child (2 actually). All my friends must have them too cos I've never seen them drag their kids along the ground or repeatedly rant at them either.

backwardpossom · 16/10/2011 18:51

But it's pretty clear from the OP that this kind of thing doesn't happen on a regular basis. I know I've never repeatedly ranted at DS, but I can see how it could happen when he's in the throes of a major tantrum. I have had to drag him along when he has decided to lie down in the middle of the road... Fireman's lift doesn't seem to stop him kicking the shit out of me.

Have a bit of empathy ffs.

FearfulYank · 16/10/2011 18:52

What MJ said. Of course DS (who is nt by the way) would care and be very upset when he'd lost his things once he'd calmed down .

But while he's very very upset and screaming and crying and thrashing and just generally having a huge tantrum (which is rare) it wouldn't matter. He would be too upset.

FearfulYank · 16/10/2011 18:53

And no one's saying it's an inevitable part of parenting, just that it happens.

Llanarth · 16/10/2011 18:53

Saying that you could take everything off them and they wouldn't care is a bit of a cop out imo. Every child has stuff they care about - a trip to the park with their friend that was planned or whatever there will be something.

Yes, agree in general discipline situations (subject to special needs) but not when a child is in a full-blown tantrum and is - by definition - beyond reason!!!

I haven't heard of any parenting philosophy, from Supernanny to attached, that would recommend threatening a mid-tantruming child with loss of privileges.

If it worked for you, that's great (and exceptional) but as advice for the OP goes, it was pretty lousy! Smile

TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 18:53

I do have empathy that kids can be trying but I just don't go along with the fact that ranting and raving at young kids is part and parcel of parenting. If you are losing your cool you need to take a breath.

FearfulYank · 16/10/2011 18:54

DS weighs 45 lbs and it feels like triple that when he's screaming and thrashing. There's no way I could pick him up and carry him plus shopping bags for any length of time.

FearfulYank · 16/10/2011 18:54

How can you "take a breath" on the sidewalk with a screaming biting child?

backwardpossom · 16/10/2011 18:56

I just don't go along with the fact that ranting and raving at young kids is part and parcel of parenting

I'm not sure anyone here does.

The OP knows it was wrong, but we all do things we're not proud of at times. Nobody's a perfect parent.

TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 18:57

Easy you take a breath and you carry on what you were doing firmly without shouting if you are able to realise you've lost control. Then passers by won't feel the need to approach you because they are concerned for your child.

TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 18:58

But people saying that there's nothing else the op could have done are saying that what the op has described is an inevitable part of parenting.

marzipananimal · 16/10/2011 19:02

Good for you BestWitch if you are always able to keep your cool with your DC.
Everyone I know (including myself) would describe me as calm, patient and well in contol of my temper, however I do sometimes lose my cool with DS and occasionally shout and he's not quite 14 months so not at full on tantrum stage yet. When you are with them pretty much 24-7, throw a bit of sleep deprivation into the mix, you would have to be a saint to never lose your cool.

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