Just gone postal at this woman for making out I was an abusive parent.

[thatgirlsevil]

As the title suggests...I've just gone postal at a woman who decided to follow me down the street and comment on my parenting techniques.

It started off when myself and 3YO DS left a shop after I refused to buy him a treat on the basis of his naughty behaviour (not listening, running off)...he was doing the whole I'm-not-walking collapsed jelly legs thing and I was pretty much hoisting him along and chastising him through gritted teeth (holding him by the wrist but not applying any pressure)...but yes at some points dragging him (no skin touching the floor, just heels) as he protested and tried to resist, although not hurting him to be absolutely clear.

When I let him go he was throwing himself on the concrete and I tried getting down to his level and talking to him but he was too 'in the zone' to see reason...as I shouted at him... exasperated by this point and getting quite upset, he ran off and almost ran into the side road so I grabbed him around the waist, scooped him up as he kicked out and protested and I shouted at him, quite loud...no swearing or horrible words, just general chastising.

The final straw came when I let him down and he bit my middle finger...HARD and broke the skin and it started bleeding quite heavily. I grabbed his hand and at this point started walking very fast across the road to the other side and shouting at him. He was half running beside me and now sobbing...finally moving his legs though because he knew he had totally crossed a line and done something completely unnacceptable.

At this point a woman (mid twenties) sprinted after me and tells me she has been watching out the shop window and it was really terrible to watch...she tells me I should be calm and get down to his level and keeps repeatedly saying how she had been watching and she was sure others were watching and feeling very concerned for the little boys welfare. She said I was making a scene and again, people were watching....and then she actually asked me something along the likes of WHY WAS I TRYING TO GET HIM HOME SO FAST...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN?

It was at this point that I ABSOLUTELY FLIPPED at the suggestion DS might be in danger...and started shouting who the hell was she judging me on the basis of seeing 5 minutes of my parenting at it's worst...I asked her what she was suggesting I might do to DS and how she thinks I could be handling the situation better without spouting Supernanny #101 rhetoric.

I said that I doubted she would have the brass neck to approach a parent who actually was doing something like hitting or swearing at their child in the street.

I basically told her she was an idiot who didn't have a clue what was actually occurring and I clearly needed support rather than condemnation right now. I also said how her tackling me and undermining me in front of DS was idiotic in the extreme when he was clearly having a tantrum, a natural common thing.

I showed her my hand and was shouting about how he'd bit me extremely hard...hence my whipping him across the road and him being in tears. I was ranting now...out of anger, embarrassment and just general exasperation...and I was getting noticeably teary.

I asked her if she had children herself and she hesitated before saying "umm...yes"...it seemed like a lie but maybe she was just floored by my outburst.

She wasn't trying to help me at all...it was as though she wanted me to feel ashamed of how I'd handled the situation and of course I could have handled it better, but at no point did I apply force or hit or swear at DS. I never do.

I burst into tears when I got back home, I was sobbing for myself, DS and I started thinking that the people who witnessed the events must think I'm a fucking monster. I would probably be ashamed to walk down that street again because the fact that this woman thinks I would hurt DS makes me so bloody furious.

I actually asked DS if Mummy had hurt him and he said "No...I was being naughty and I'm sorry for biting you"...I said, please tell me if I hurt you, I'm sorry if I made you feel frightened...he said "I wasn't, I just wanted a treat...but I know I'd been naughty."

I am still so fucking upset. I feel like a shitty shitty Mum.
(sorry it's long)

Once when DS had a terrible tantrum after having left a store he was screaming and attempting to run back into the store across a crowded and dangerous parking lot. There was no way to step back and take a breath.

OP knows she lost it. We're not saying that it was a wonderful moment on her part or that it is an inevitable part of parenting, just that it happens and she's not a terrible parent. And the woman could have gone about it in a much, much better way.

Saying there's nothing else she could have done is not the same as saying it's an inevitable part of parenting!

She was in a particular situation with a particular child who has his own particular personality. Not everyone will find themselves there.

I've shouted at my kids and I'm sure most people have. But the op describes shouting, then shouting again and again. If I saw someone absolutely ranting at their child and dragging them I would be concerned. I'm not sure what I would do about it though. I wouldn't want to approach them in case I angered them further.

What on earth are you reading witch? She doesn't say age shouted 'over and over' at all.

I'll say again OP, yanbu and I am glad you shouted at the interfering idiot who approached you - anyone with half a brain could see you were struggling to calm a tantrumming toddler

She said she shouted at him 3 times in a short period of time. That's a lot afaic.

You see, this:

"OP knows she lost it. We're not saying that it was a wonderful moment on her part or that it is an inevitable part of parenting, just that it happens and she's not a terrible parent. And the woman could have gone about it in a much, much better way"

is very reasonable. Saying that a) the OP clearly has a drink problem or b) that the woman who made the approach is a twat is less so. None of us was there.

I'm the mother everyone stares at - I feel for you OP. There are many techniques you can use with a PFB - but the options rather narrow if you place importance on a blameless older child actually getting to school on time - and narrow once more if you can't lift a DC without causing yourself a harm.

I find the double-quick forced march at least keeps them on their feet - and let's us arrive to a less contentious place quicker - however bad it looks on the outside.

No genuinely abusive parent would post the whole event on MN afterwards.

YANBU at all, what a bitch. you didn't ask if how you dealt with beastly behaviour normal tantrum was reasonable, you asked if going postal was reasonable and it was. By the by, I did pretty much what you did, on a beach, in Spain exactly a week ago, bleeding shoulder though and totally understand. You've described it in such detail presumably because it's not a run of the mill thing, so why don't we all stop being such horrible cows for a second and support OP in her justified hatred of this smug channel 4 fan? Bibbitybobbityhat, it must be lovely to be so bloody perfect. I'd really hate to Thank you. That is all.

Sorry but that's just not true inkyfingers. I've worked with parents who have abused their kids and they often go about telling the story of what's going on to lots of people/friends/professionals ala Baby P's mum and getting support to justify their behaviour and how much pressure they're under etc because they know its wrong on some level but try to convince themselves otherwise. I don't think that there's ANYTHING to say that this is the case for the OP AT ALL but just because someone speaks about an incident does not make them blameless necessarily.

Bloody hell! I've had days like that too- kids will test you to the absolute limit and it's damn hard to keep your cool in a situation like that. We can't all be mrs fecking perfect mummy! Have you noticed how super nanny doesn't have children? It's all well and good getting kids to behave for a day or two but who on earth can keep it up 24/7? I know I can't!
The woman had no right to stick her oar in when you quite obviously were in distress! Jesus, the cheek of some people! She had no right to judge you. I've done the same with both of mine at some point in their lives, usually in a supermarket, and if you judged me on those moments you'd think I was the worst mum in the world. But ask my kids, they'll tell you another story...

Oh well I'm with Thebestwitch. Agree completely with everything she says. And BTW I am not a perfect parent, but I haven't lost it with my DS ( age 6) and his behaviour can be challenging. However I have worked with children and teenagers for a long time and have learned lots of strategies along the way which is why I said earlier that perhaps some kind of parenting class, to give alternative strategies, may be a good idea!!

Shouting and dragging IMO demonstrate a loss of control and bulllyin g behaviour.

We only have half the story here too. I wonder what the woman who approached the OP would have posted.

Well I think not using reins if your child is going to run into the road is treating your child as less valuable to you than a dog so we'll have to agree to differ on that one.

I agree TheBestWitch. We have one of the little life backpacks for DS and its a godsend as it provides that extra little bit of safety for him as he has a tendancy to try to break away when walking and at times thats just not safe.

You sound like a good mum that had a bad day.

Again I'm with Thebestwitch. Oh and my DS has SN so can be very difficult, so not 'preaching' from a postion of luck of having a very well behaved, calm child.

Not losing it, can and is regularly done by many parents in difficult situations.

But mj you said you disagree with the use of reins. So do you mean that or do you mean that you didn't need them? Cos if I was 100% confident my kids wouldn't run into the road I wouldn't use them either. If you did have kids with less road sense would you keep them safe with reins or be more concerned about what they look like?

OP YANBU for being a HUMAN BEING. There are clearly a lot of perfect robot people on this thread.

You lost it with your DS. In an ideal world, this wasn't the best way of dealing with things and it did in fact worsen the situation. You know that. But FFS, you didn't batter him, you tried your hardest to keep him out of danger, you kept your language clean. So you shouted when he bit your hand, that's natural.

I know exactly how to deal with my DCs tantrums. Do I always without fail do what I know works? No I don't. Because I am a human being, and sometime I am tired/stressed/pissed off, and I haven't got the energy, and I just flip out a bit. It's called being human.

Tbh, I think if a lot more people concentrated on appropriately dealing with their children's behaviour when out in public, rather than worrying about being judged, there would probably be a lot of better behaved children.