Just gone postal at this woman for making out I was an abusive parent.

[thatgirlsevil]

As the title suggests...I've just gone postal at a woman who decided to follow me down the street and comment on my parenting techniques.

It started off when myself and 3YO DS left a shop after I refused to buy him a treat on the basis of his naughty behaviour (not listening, running off)...he was doing the whole I'm-not-walking collapsed jelly legs thing and I was pretty much hoisting him along and chastising him through gritted teeth (holding him by the wrist but not applying any pressure)...but yes at some points dragging him (no skin touching the floor, just heels) as he protested and tried to resist, although not hurting him to be absolutely clear.

When I let him go he was throwing himself on the concrete and I tried getting down to his level and talking to him but he was too 'in the zone' to see reason...as I shouted at him... exasperated by this point and getting quite upset, he ran off and almost ran into the side road so I grabbed him around the waist, scooped him up as he kicked out and protested and I shouted at him, quite loud...no swearing or horrible words, just general chastising.

The final straw came when I let him down and he bit my middle finger...HARD and broke the skin and it started bleeding quite heavily. I grabbed his hand and at this point started walking very fast across the road to the other side and shouting at him. He was half running beside me and now sobbing...finally moving his legs though because he knew he had totally crossed a line and done something completely unnacceptable.

At this point a woman (mid twenties) sprinted after me and tells me she has been watching out the shop window and it was really terrible to watch...she tells me I should be calm and get down to his level and keeps repeatedly saying how she had been watching and she was sure others were watching and feeling very concerned for the little boys welfare. She said I was making a scene and again, people were watching....and then she actually asked me something along the likes of WHY WAS I TRYING TO GET HIM HOME SO FAST...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN?

It was at this point that I ABSOLUTELY FLIPPED at the suggestion DS might be in danger...and started shouting who the hell was she judging me on the basis of seeing 5 minutes of my parenting at it's worst...I asked her what she was suggesting I might do to DS and how she thinks I could be handling the situation better without spouting Supernanny #101 rhetoric.

I said that I doubted she would have the brass neck to approach a parent who actually was doing something like hitting or swearing at their child in the street.

I basically told her she was an idiot who didn't have a clue what was actually occurring and I clearly needed support rather than condemnation right now. I also said how her tackling me and undermining me in front of DS was idiotic in the extreme when he was clearly having a tantrum, a natural common thing.

I showed her my hand and was shouting about how he'd bit me extremely hard...hence my whipping him across the road and him being in tears. I was ranting now...out of anger, embarrassment and just general exasperation...and I was getting noticeably teary.

I asked her if she had children herself and she hesitated before saying "umm...yes"...it seemed like a lie but maybe she was just floored by my outburst.

She wasn't trying to help me at all...it was as though she wanted me to feel ashamed of how I'd handled the situation and of course I could have handled it better, but at no point did I apply force or hit or swear at DS. I never do.

I burst into tears when I got back home, I was sobbing for myself, DS and I started thinking that the people who witnessed the events must think I'm a fucking monster. I would probably be ashamed to walk down that street again because the fact that this woman thinks I would hurt DS makes me so bloody furious.

I actually asked DS if Mummy had hurt him and he said "No...I was being naughty and I'm sorry for biting you"...I said, please tell me if I hurt you, I'm sorry if I made you feel frightened...he said "I wasn't, I just wanted a treat...but I know I'd been naughty."

I am still so fucking upset. I feel like a shitty shitty Mum.
(sorry it's long)

Bloody Nora my older two would've been made up if they got away with me just shouting at 'em!

Remember eldest aged about 20 months screaming and stamping her feet "I waaaaant Sweeeeets"
I screamed back "And I want a mink coat and a million quid but that aint happening either so shut uuup"
She did. Actually she stopped mid flow and had her mouth open but gave passers by a little giggle. A few said 'Think I'll try that one next time".
She's 22 now and a fantastic person. says how glad she is that I was the way i was with her and she'll be the same with her kids one day.
Of course I'm harking back to the days when other people had some common sense when they saw a screaming child being told off!
This person clearly watches too much SuperNanny or whatever it's called.
Sanctimonious twaddle.

Diddl, I don't think there is a general MN consensus of 'act on your concerns.'
There have been various threads on here about people who have witnessed parents shouting at kids, pulling them out of cars when the kids were screaming etc. The OP is usually told that it is just a snapshot in time and that it doesn't reflect the child's life.

It is weird that parents are often advised to take kids out if they are acting up, but then people have this odd idea that if a parent shouts at a child in public, then worst things must go on at home, when the reverse is usually true.

A friend of mine's daughter wasn't getting what she wanted in the supermarket and had a tantrum of epic proportions, including taking off all her clothes and thrashing about naked on the floor! Children just can be bonkers and it's up to us to keep them safe, which often includes being firm/being loud/not letting them 'win' etc. That woman sounds like she's been watching too much telly.... poor you

You bad mother! Where was the naughty chair that you should be carrying on your back like a crucifix in case of emergency?

SurpriseEs

ThatGirlsEvil - you did well! Had it been me, DS may have learnt a few new words!! She was interferring when there was absolutely no need for it. Some of the 'wont someone think of the poor children' posts on this thread are laughable.

He was a little shit, you dealt with it without smacking or swearing - eihter DS or her - seems like a good enough result to me.

... Oh and yes, 4 beers makes you a complete alcoholic with 'other issues'

Look, we all have different lives and personalities - to me, four beers on a saturday night does seem a little excessive; a glass of wine does not. Equally, allowing yourself to lose your rag and shout and drag a child is alien to me. I have absolutely posted here about the embarassment of dcs acting up and tantrumming. I have four, experience of SN and refuse to lose control of myself in this situation. So, I would have to think good on you to the woman who intervened. She hasn't escalated it for you - the amount of attitude about her being an interfering cow on here makes me suspect the event was not out of the ordinary for some posters.

It happens, believe me!

Usually when it happens to DS (which is thankfully rare in public) I say loudly and as calmly as possible "I am not hurting you. I know you are upset but you don't scream to get what you want. And you are not walking so I have to help you" etc, etc. It calms me down and makes it clear to nosy onlookers that I am not hurting him.

They can be unbelievably frustrating, can't they?! There have been many times when I've been ready to absolutely lose my sh#t on DS. MANY TIMES. But I know how terrible we'll both feel if I do.

Also I think he would have told you if he was scared, DS does and has since he was 3 or so.

He is a gorgeous boy, by the way, OP! :)

Really,GP? I think it is 'out of the ordinary' for a 3 year old to bit their mother so hard that she bled. It has never happened to me but I suspect I would have had an extreme response to it. The OP has said that it is out of the ordinary for her child to behave like that.

If a human bite breaks the skin you are meant to go to A&E or the doctors because of the high likelihood of infection. Do you frequently find yourself in that situation with your children?

grumpy you have got your judgy pants well and truly on I am afraid. Its funny because you said you have 4 children and one with SN so you should be aware of how hard it can be, and how parents who are only human can react in certain situation. Sometimes you need to be firm and shout if necessary to get the message across, as sometimes funnily enough reasoning with a jelly legged, tantruming screaming pre schooler. I think that the Police would be sympathetic towards the parent, as they probably have children themselves so are aware of these issues. I know my friends husband who is a Police Inspector knows too well, as their ds 4.5 behaviour can be very bad, with lots of tantruming and jelly leg behaviour especially when he does not get his own way.

I have lost my rag. DS has been so naughty and awful and has screamed and shouted at me, and we were both so angry and upset. And I would have locked myself in the bathroom because he was following me around shouting at me, but the lock doesn't work.

And I tried speaking to him calmly and I tried telling him nicely to go upstairs because we needed time to calm down. He wouldn't and screamed at me. I screamed back and physically hauled him up the stairs and put him in his room.

I didn't hurt him or swear at him, and I'm not a bad mother. I was just really, really upset. It happens.

Yes the boy needed to be disciplined as he bit his mum and drew blood, what if he does that behviour at school or out in the community. We are all different with varying situations and breaking points. The op did nothing wrong, she raised her voice at her ds and tried to remove him from the situation, being the fact he had jelly leg syndrome, so yes it looked as if he was being dragged as he was not using his legs.

Any normal person with an ounce of comman sense would see the situation as it is, a tantruming willful pre schooler trying it on with his mum, and poor mum having a hard time trying to deal with the situation.

I'm shocked but not surprised by the attitudes to children shown in much of this thread. If you show a lack of self restraint in the way you handle yourself, don't be surprised when your children start to copy. All this show of parental solidarity against demon children is just not on - get a grip. Good for that girl in sticking up for you child and doesn't matter whether she was a parent or not - you don't have to be to know what is decent and what isn't.

yes she has escalated the situation for the op, not only did she add more stress to an otherwise stressful situation but made op feel like a bad mum I am sure she is not.

Swallow it's not as if she were belting her child around the face and calling him a little fu$ker or something!

You've never shouted at your children or had to physically move them? Ever ?

What do you do when your children bite you so hard that you bleed, ST?

swallow are you a parent btw! You do have your judgy pants hoiked up to your tits imo. Children do play up it a fact, they do know what buttons to press and will use it to their advantage. What you have just read is a snapshot into the op life and parenting you do not have a clue what sort of parent she is. We are only HUMAN not robots, so you cannot possibly say that she is a bad parent as you don't know the full situation. My goodness some people really!

Okay, 4 beers on a Saturday night is not excessive to me...it was after 8pm, DS was in bed...I was hardly pouring myself double gins at teatime. I don't entirely get the focus on a throwaway comment about me enjoying an alcoholic beverage in the comfort of my own home...but hey-ho.

The bite was very out of character and it's never happened before...as DS did it I could see the sheer frustration in his face, and he seemed to realise almost instantly that it was a really terrible thing to do.

Today he is a different boy...well, the same lovely little boy I should say.

and swallowthree, I've admitted that I handled the whole situation badly but I would like to know exactly what you would have done?

Am very happy for those to whom this kind of behaviour is alien
This morning my DS had tantrum 1 because he wanted a yoghurt as we were leaving the house. 2. Wanting my sunglasses and then throwing them! 3 holding my hand in the carpark. 4 running away from me at swimming. 5 taking his swimtrunks off in middle of swimming pool.6 wanting me to carry him purposely to get me wet. 7 running at side of pool. 8 running off and not walking with me or holding my hand. 9 not wanting to go to tesco. 10, last chance holding my hand in tesco carpark.11 not staying with me in tesco. 12 wanting some spongebob squarepants thing in tesco. 13 climbing all over me after being repeatedly asked not to,

I constantly got down to his level, stayed calm, remained firm, didn't give in
Bollocks, sometimes it doesn't work
I'm exhausted

and I don't think DS biting me is learned behaviour or a reflection on my poor parenting, but you're entitled to your opinion.

I thought the OP showed remarkable self restraint, she did just the right thing in getting him out of the situation. I think picking them up in rugby ball hold is better than dragging, but not always possible if you've got shopping, a pushchair or another child.

I'd see someone having a bad day not a bad parent.

As a parent you need to develop thick skin though. It doesn't matter what people think, they judge on the spur of the moment as many people do on here. It's what you know to be true that matters.

thatgirlsevil - stop stressing about it. It happened, DS was an out of character little shit, it's not likely to happen again and if it does, there was nothing wrong with what you did.

As for 4 beers being excessive - some people have judgy pants the size of the USA.

... and GrumpyPants, just because I don't think the OP did anything wrong and I think the other woman was interfering unnecessarily it does not mean this is something 'not out of the ordinary' for me. Maybe look at a name change to JudgeyPants.

four beers on a saturday night does seem a little excessive

Grip. Get one.