Just gone postal at this woman for making out I was an abusive parent.

[thatgirlsevil]

As the title suggests...I've just gone postal at a woman who decided to follow me down the street and comment on my parenting techniques.

It started off when myself and 3YO DS left a shop after I refused to buy him a treat on the basis of his naughty behaviour (not listening, running off)...he was doing the whole I'm-not-walking collapsed jelly legs thing and I was pretty much hoisting him along and chastising him through gritted teeth (holding him by the wrist but not applying any pressure)...but yes at some points dragging him (no skin touching the floor, just heels) as he protested and tried to resist, although not hurting him to be absolutely clear.

When I let him go he was throwing himself on the concrete and I tried getting down to his level and talking to him but he was too 'in the zone' to see reason...as I shouted at him... exasperated by this point and getting quite upset, he ran off and almost ran into the side road so I grabbed him around the waist, scooped him up as he kicked out and protested and I shouted at him, quite loud...no swearing or horrible words, just general chastising.

The final straw came when I let him down and he bit my middle finger...HARD and broke the skin and it started bleeding quite heavily. I grabbed his hand and at this point started walking very fast across the road to the other side and shouting at him. He was half running beside me and now sobbing...finally moving his legs though because he knew he had totally crossed a line and done something completely unnacceptable.

At this point a woman (mid twenties) sprinted after me and tells me she has been watching out the shop window and it was really terrible to watch...she tells me I should be calm and get down to his level and keeps repeatedly saying how she had been watching and she was sure others were watching and feeling very concerned for the little boys welfare. She said I was making a scene and again, people were watching....and then she actually asked me something along the likes of WHY WAS I TRYING TO GET HIM HOME SO FAST...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN?

It was at this point that I ABSOLUTELY FLIPPED at the suggestion DS might be in danger...and started shouting who the hell was she judging me on the basis of seeing 5 minutes of my parenting at it's worst...I asked her what she was suggesting I might do to DS and how she thinks I could be handling the situation better without spouting Supernanny #101 rhetoric.

I said that I doubted she would have the brass neck to approach a parent who actually was doing something like hitting or swearing at their child in the street.

I basically told her she was an idiot who didn't have a clue what was actually occurring and I clearly needed support rather than condemnation right now. I also said how her tackling me and undermining me in front of DS was idiotic in the extreme when he was clearly having a tantrum, a natural common thing.

I showed her my hand and was shouting about how he'd bit me extremely hard...hence my whipping him across the road and him being in tears. I was ranting now...out of anger, embarrassment and just general exasperation...and I was getting noticeably teary.

I asked her if she had children herself and she hesitated before saying "umm...yes"...it seemed like a lie but maybe she was just floored by my outburst.

She wasn't trying to help me at all...it was as though she wanted me to feel ashamed of how I'd handled the situation and of course I could have handled it better, but at no point did I apply force or hit or swear at DS. I never do.

I burst into tears when I got back home, I was sobbing for myself, DS and I started thinking that the people who witnessed the events must think I'm a fucking monster. I would probably be ashamed to walk down that street again because the fact that this woman thinks I would hurt DS makes me so bloody furious.

I actually asked DS if Mummy had hurt him and he said "No...I was being naughty and I'm sorry for biting you"...I said, please tell me if I hurt you, I'm sorry if I made you feel frightened...he said "I wasn't, I just wanted a treat...but I know I'd been naughty."

I am still so fucking upset. I feel like a shitty shitty Mum.
(sorry it's long)

worraliberty - I don't really think I'm in need of parenting help...DS is usually impeccably behaved and he hasn't had a tantrum like that in some months. It was just an EPIC tantrum unfortunately...and I was carrying shopping bags on a busy road.

You poor thing, hope you're enjoying the beer but YABU to watch XFactor! Looked at the photos on your profile and your ds looks mischievous but gorgeous!

It doesn't sound great to me to be honest. I'm sure most people snap at their kids but if I saw someone dragging their child and repeatedly shouting at them for a prolonged period without seeming to be able to take a breath and calm down I would be a bit concerned.

I think you did very well to be angry and still not swear.

I don't agree with manhandeling children, only because in the heat of the moment you can forget how strong you are and accidently hurt them by yanking them too hard.

I too would, and have, approached strangers, who were struggling like this, both times I simply said " Can I help ?", then just carried on bending down and yabbering to the child, both times I've done this the mum and child have been so surprised that a stranger came over, the tantrum has melted by them simply being stunned.
Its not a judment thing, its not a critisism thing, its simply a "hey we're all in this parenting-lark together, let's reach-out".

Op-she was a twat. You didnt hit or swear at your dc so what was her problem? I would dare somone to challenge me on something like this-they would rue the day!

I would have reacted the same. What you need in a situation like that is support not someone having a go. Nothing worse than a self righteous person passing judgement. Forget about her she might have to eat her words some day.

worraliberty - I wasn't crying when I asked him that...it was 2 hours later. It was before bedtime when we were discussing the events of the day and I was telling him that tomorrow we would have a better experience outside.

karma - That wasn't me...and I never dragged him along the floor like that at any point...he was digging his heels in.

I think some people are being quite hard on you OP!

If you're dealing with a proper tantrum, sometimes there is no option but to physically remove the child from the situation. And of course no one wants to shout at their children, but dealing with that sort of behaviour you'd have to be superhuman not to lose your temper. Then on top of all that to have some interfering idiot butt in and make you feel a hundred times worse about it. I am pretty sure I would have reacted the same as you!

Ok fair enough then OP

But I can still kind of see why the woman said something and if it's made you re-think how you handled the situation then perhaps it was a good thing.

Thanks again everybody...I understand I could have handled things better, but I'm starting to feel less shit overall (beer is definitely helping).

I've been told off in the street too, twice in fact. Once for grabbing DD who was about to try and run under a bus and once for letting her press the button on the crossing we were about to use. I most bemused by the second one.

My friend was told off by an older lady in the street for not buying her dd1 the chewing gum she wanted with the line 'if you give her what she wants she'll stop crying' .

Someone chastising me like that when I was facing such a tantrum would have been the final straw for me too.

her child is probably like my dd..

whilst your child is like my ds....

helpful suggestions, in similar situations, rolled up carpet carry whilst holding their hands prevents biting, scratching and pinching. it also gets you out of the area pdq thus avoiding such encounters

over the shoulder like a sack of spuds also quite good, especially if the bitey end is behind you. holding the kicky end is advisable though, unless you are particularly fond of bruised boobs!

holding firmly to the hand and walking so fast that he has to run to stay uipright also seems to stop the jelly legs for a bit, especially if you try to distract them with some encouragement to jump too. people do not have time to catch you up either!

6ive yourself a break, 3 year olds would wear the patience of a saint. You didn't react that badly, there is not much you can do in a situation like that, other than flee home, where your child will behave better because they aremoresecurein theirown environment.

That 6irl was a moron to 'intervene' as she did.Any ri6ht thinkin6 individual would just i6nore and understand that the mother was doin6 allthat could be done.

I am constaantly mortified by my twopre-schoolers, there is nothin6 worse than people commentin6on your parentin6when you are in a hi6h stress situation.

Calm down you are normal and a 6ood mother, not a monster.You are settin6 boundaries which is an important lesson for your son.

thatgirl It sounds like a one off epic tantrum. That's good. I also understand why you got as upset as you did and TBH I would probably have sworn at someone.

However, just be careful not to allow DS see you cry over his behaviour too often. I agree that children need to know how their behaviour affects others, but I have a friend who's DC's are often like this (in and out side). Last week the oldest actually seemed happy (when we were chatting) to tell me she behaves this way a lot (I asked what was wrong because she had been really awful and used the 'it's not like you, is there something you want to talk about' line) and mummy cries.

It seems like now she has to up the anti as my friend is tuffening up to get the same reaction.

I totally understand it doesn't sound like it's the case here but would hate anyone to get caught up in the same situation as my friend.

YANBU. Before my 2 year old turned 2 I would have been silently thinking how I'd have handled it a la telly nanny/expert. Having had my head removed from my arse by my "boundary-testing" son I feel for you.
Mine hates holding hands when crossing the road and did jelly-legs on a busy lane as I walked him and a double pram across. As I bent to pick him up he leant into the pram and pinched one of the babies! I shouted at full belt at him and carried him under my arm and hauled the pram across the road, watched by commuter traffic. Most looked sympathetic. But one shook her head and mouthed "shame." Well Mondeo lady, my arse on you.

At the risk of sounding super judgey OP are there any positive parenting courses running in your area? I know people who have been on them and they can't praise it highly enough. I'm due to do one soon through work and I'll certainly be picking up some tips for at home too.
I'm not suggesting your ds is in any danger btw just that using different techniques to shouting and manhandling are less likely to escalate tantrums and there are few parents who wouldn't benefit from it imo - me included. Parenting is not easy at times.

Sorry laptop keyboard is broken, thanks to ds2 (no boundaries - the little scallywa6)

Must admit, the dragging up the pavement didn't look good. I guess to the woman in the shop, what she saw didn't look good either, but it would have been better if she'd left off with all the supernanny stuff and offered to help. Must have been so hard worrying about your ds running off, trying to keep a hold of all the shopping, dealing with the tantrum and the pain of being bitten and then having someone tell you how you could have done it so much better!

Everyone knows with hindsight what they could have done differently or better. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Goodness knows what she would think of me when my large four year old has meltdowns, but sadly she's more likely to attack me, but still have to deal with it and it's not pretty sight.
She did wrong thing to approach you when you were clearly stressed BUT seriously, could you have done it any differently?

bag of holly.... oh yes, the middle of the road jelly legged tantrum.

manhandling is the only option sometimes... leaving them to lie in the road having a tantrum is not an option. best not to combine with shouting though.

Ah now I have a practical trick which may help you in future. The fireman's carry is perfect for a tantrumming kid - head to your back, they may be able to kick but you can hold their legs with one arm and they will NOT be able to do a darn thing about it.

I'm actually willing to put up with the yelling/throwing on floor etc. I just pointblank ignore it and say 'I can't hear you when you shout like that', then hum quietly till they get bored. I particularly enjoy the 'I will NOT hold your hand' game. Because I stand stock still and refuse to move till my hand is held. My children have long ago learned that mummy does not budge when she gets the bit between her teeth.

But I send you my sympathies. It's thoroughly humiliating when people comment on your parenting generally. Much more so when you are not at your finest. I would challenge any part of a child older than three to swear that they have not shouted/lost their rag/physically removed their child (at speed) from a situation.

Take heart OP, soon your children will be teens and refuse to speak or engage with you in any way

Firemans carry works well until they get the teeth out and the hair pulling!
Still better than the arm pulling as dd2 has hypomobilty and so likely to dislocate her arm

Mine have tried to bite my back but my back is not particularly lardy so they get a mouthful of jacket and that's it and I dangle them deep enough that they can't easily grab hair.

i remember a woman asking me if i thought the child screaming blue murder in the supermarket had been abandoned.

I said no but it's very tempting. She looked very shocked!

(She had no idea she was my DD.)

Sometimes it's absolutely necessary to manhandle the kids to get them out of danger / home. Agree combined with shouting not ideal but don't beat yourself up about it, just think through how you could have handled it differently and employ that tactic next time a tantrum occurs. My youngest is approaching 18 months so we're looking down the barrel of major league tantrums right now, she had her first proper meltdown in M&S last week i was mortified and just bundled her under my arm and ran!

whomovedmychocolate "Take heart OP, soon your children will be teens and refuse to speak or engage with you in any way"

Ahhh, I needed a genuine chuckle like that. Cheers dearie.