Just gone postal at this woman for making out I was an abusive parent.

[thatgirlsevil]

As the title suggests...I've just gone postal at a woman who decided to follow me down the street and comment on my parenting techniques.

It started off when myself and 3YO DS left a shop after I refused to buy him a treat on the basis of his naughty behaviour (not listening, running off)...he was doing the whole I'm-not-walking collapsed jelly legs thing and I was pretty much hoisting him along and chastising him through gritted teeth (holding him by the wrist but not applying any pressure)...but yes at some points dragging him (no skin touching the floor, just heels) as he protested and tried to resist, although not hurting him to be absolutely clear.

When I let him go he was throwing himself on the concrete and I tried getting down to his level and talking to him but he was too 'in the zone' to see reason...as I shouted at him... exasperated by this point and getting quite upset, he ran off and almost ran into the side road so I grabbed him around the waist, scooped him up as he kicked out and protested and I shouted at him, quite loud...no swearing or horrible words, just general chastising.

The final straw came when I let him down and he bit my middle finger...HARD and broke the skin and it started bleeding quite heavily. I grabbed his hand and at this point started walking very fast across the road to the other side and shouting at him. He was half running beside me and now sobbing...finally moving his legs though because he knew he had totally crossed a line and done something completely unnacceptable.

At this point a woman (mid twenties) sprinted after me and tells me she has been watching out the shop window and it was really terrible to watch...she tells me I should be calm and get down to his level and keeps repeatedly saying how she had been watching and she was sure others were watching and feeling very concerned for the little boys welfare. She said I was making a scene and again, people were watching....and then she actually asked me something along the likes of WHY WAS I TRYING TO GET HIM HOME SO FAST...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN?

It was at this point that I ABSOLUTELY FLIPPED at the suggestion DS might be in danger...and started shouting who the hell was she judging me on the basis of seeing 5 minutes of my parenting at it's worst...I asked her what she was suggesting I might do to DS and how she thinks I could be handling the situation better without spouting Supernanny #101 rhetoric.

I said that I doubted she would have the brass neck to approach a parent who actually was doing something like hitting or swearing at their child in the street.

I basically told her she was an idiot who didn't have a clue what was actually occurring and I clearly needed support rather than condemnation right now. I also said how her tackling me and undermining me in front of DS was idiotic in the extreme when he was clearly having a tantrum, a natural common thing.

I showed her my hand and was shouting about how he'd bit me extremely hard...hence my whipping him across the road and him being in tears. I was ranting now...out of anger, embarrassment and just general exasperation...and I was getting noticeably teary.

I asked her if she had children herself and she hesitated before saying "umm...yes"...it seemed like a lie but maybe she was just floored by my outburst.

She wasn't trying to help me at all...it was as though she wanted me to feel ashamed of how I'd handled the situation and of course I could have handled it better, but at no point did I apply force or hit or swear at DS. I never do.

I burst into tears when I got back home, I was sobbing for myself, DS and I started thinking that the people who witnessed the events must think I'm a fucking monster. I would probably be ashamed to walk down that street again because the fact that this woman thinks I would hurt DS makes me so bloody furious.

I actually asked DS if Mummy had hurt him and he said "No...I was being naughty and I'm sorry for biting you"...I said, please tell me if I hurt you, I'm sorry if I made you feel frightened...he said "I wasn't, I just wanted a treat...but I know I'd been naughty."

I am still so fucking upset. I feel like a shitty shitty Mum.
(sorry it's long)

Oh and I prefer the rugby ball hold when my kids are exhibiting jelly leg syndrome lol

Whenever I loose it with one of mine in a similar situation to yours I always try to amend it after when we've all calmed down with a 'sorry I was so cross/shouty I do love you' And with the eldest I would probably add - but listen to me next time with regards to crossing the road etc... I think it's human for us mums to get it wrong but nice to let our children see that we can be wrong sometimes and a good lesson in self-reflection and self-improvement.... Well it at least relieves my sense of guilt a bit anyway.
Any chance that you are spending day in day out with a toddler and no family nearby to help? Cos that's me. And that's why I can't manage her sometimes. And if I really psychoanalised myself I'd say the scenes in the street are almost a little cry for help 'look everyone, look what a bloody crappy day I'm having!'. At that point anyone having a go at me would cop it!

LottieJenkins - Good on you! I'm sure your Wilf tests your patience (don't they all) but I just had a sneaky peak at your pictures and he's a handsome, heart-melting boy...and Bumble .

I could have been you manhandling my 3 year old the other day when she refused to walk faster from school and dd1 had gone far ahead of us on her bike and I had lost sight of her (in a reasonably safe environment). DD2 screamed and wailed and went limp - cue firemans lift/dragging as I had an armful of bags and then I shouted because dd1 had gone out of sight DD1 got shouted at for riding off without us, even though I know she wouldn't cross the road and she looked at me like I was a lune!

It does sound like you lost it long before this woman said anything. If she hadn't said anything would you still be feeling shitty ? Because perhaps she did you a favour by making you think hard about this. We all lose it at times but that doesn't make it alright.

DS once went into nursery and told people that mummy hit his head on the slide because he was naughty.
I actually attempted to pick him up and manhandle him out of the park at home time but he decided to bite me. I swung round in shock and his head collided with the slide.
Got a few filthy looks from the other parents but the little angel hasn't bitten me since!

I also haven't whacked him on a slide since either just to clear it up

Nor do I condone beating children with parts of the park.

Try having the usual tantrums, whining and screaming and add on the added benefit of 'I'm telling mummy on you!' and 'Ouch (my name) you're hurting me!' and such things. It makes everything that much more difficult when you're a nanny, even though I've done training its just as difficult to cope with one jelly-legged 3 year old and the toddler in a buggy. I've had tuts before, if someone told me off I would just have to ignore them as I can't go off on them as much as I would want to! I do try to keep calm as a proffesional but anyone faced with a major tantrum on a busy road knows its difficult to keep your cool!

I have sympathy with the epic tantrumming but I really don't think shouting at children does much good and is completely avoidable.

That said I probably would have told the interfering woman to fuck off or got all mum at her and made her carry the shopping with a curt "if you really want to help, hold these" while I hauled DS.

I have left shopping in the store, abandoned his scooter in a car park (couldn't carry him and a scooter), left him lying on the pavement and on one memorable occasion called his father for back up to come and help carry him home so I do understand.

swallowthree - I imagine I would have felt shitty on reflection...because I didn't keep my cool and behavioral episodes generally put a damper on your day and leave you questioning your methods. I still don't believe her crass manner of intervening achieved anything though...apart from making me feel UBER-shitty, causing me to explode and giving me more to explain to my DS later in the day.

I was already affronted by events...anyone in close proximity probably noticed that.

I havent read right through the thread but sometimes to a bystander things look 1000 times worse than what they are.

About 4 years ago I was driving home and as we turned into my street my son started choking.
He had somehow got one of the marbles from one of his games past my radar vision and had it in his mouth and had swallowed it, only it was stuck- cue screeching to a halt flying out out car, grabbing son to side of road and slapping him on the back several times, during which him he gasped with tears and actally swallowed the marble right down.
He was hysterical by this time and panicing, kicking and generally flailing around so I got him on the pavement and sat astride him pinning his arms to try and calm him down as I didnt know how far down his throat the marble was.
He screamed drink and my dd handed her bottle to him and he gulped it down. I chucked them back in the car and belted it down to the hospital where he was xrayed and given the all clear (left to pass naturally)

Two days later my neighbour from over the road was in his front garden and said "Youve got youre hands full with XXX havent you? I saw you smacking him the other day and sitting on him when he had a tantrum"

.......how totally wrong he was......

Oh I remember those days with ds1, nightmare screaming throwing himself on the floor biting and kicking

Yanbu you were obviously upset and embarrassed, I think most of us have been there. God knows what some people probably thought of me, although no one was rude enough to say anything!

Whenever ds1 started to behave like that I'd do the whole getting down to his level and talking to him, if he didn't listen I just used to pick him up/ drag him along without anymore communication

There is nothing you can do, sometimes toddlers just behave that way. Ds is now 16 and no longer has to be dragged/carried down the road but I still remember the embarrassment well

a child having a tantrum is the wort thing in the world because all you want to do is drop kick them home lol.

mine tends to injure himself when in tantrum mode. usually by flailing and smacking into things. he nearly twisted his arm off once doing the jelly leg medragging him home thing like you described.

Yes, I've dragged yowling, jelly-legged children too. Not scraping them along the concrete but, like you, forcing them to drag their reluctant little feet along. (If it makes you feel any better, I was being paid to care for these children!)

It always happens on a busy street - because, otherwise, you'd be patiently letting them do their tantrum wouldn't you?! And it always makes you look abusive - and feel abusive, too.

You went a bit overboard with the yelling and street-crossing. The woman meant well, as far as we know; she's just a bit inexperienced. Total self-forgiveness now, I think, and more deep breaths next time he throws one tomorrow :)

I also prefer the fireman's lift

You know, in order for her to even comment, it must have looked pretty bad. And I think you're entirely aware how bad it looked too. Which is probably why you are feeling quite defensive and asking AIBU?!

My suggestion? After 4 children, ignore, ignore, ignore. Both the children AND the passers by!

I have been humiliated many times by my ds in public. I don't think it is possible for a mother to look like she is doing the right thing during a tantrum.

BUT, I do think that the only way to keep a shred of dignity is to pick the child up under your arm (rugby hold, as pps have said) and refuse to engage with them in any other way. I went through a stage where I felt I was doing this constantly, with dd strapped to my front in a sling. Shouting is only going to embarrass you.

thatgirlsevil Thanks for the compliment and may i return the same to you?!? I particularly love the kitkat pic!

ThatGirls Evil I hope your finger is ok now!
That women had no right to say what she said, she's a twat.
The last thing you needed I expect.
Maybe if she'd have said 'are you Ok, can i help' it might've been more productive/constructive that behaving the way she did.
You should've bit her bloody finger! I'm sure she would have spoken to your calmly on your level then haha.

I was shouted at once because I was in a shop when the wheel fell off my buggy - I had a pile of shopping and was trying to fix it in a split second my 18 month old ran to the door (with me right behind him, wheel in one hand) just as a woman was coming in the door. I scooped him up as she lost the plot about what a terrible mother I was and my negligence would lead to my child being injured. I think she was actually a bit insane. And no she didn't apologise when she spotted the broken buggy and nor did she offer to help as I tried to cart child, broken buggy and shopping up the hill.

It made me feel shit as well.

I am never quite sure what to do when my DD does the jelly leg thing, either. I hate dragging her by the arm, but if I was already holding her hand, it's often either that or drop her. And I don't usually have both hands free, because I'm usually pushing her sister in the buggy. I take the tandem buggy out more than I would like because of this, I can always put DD1 in it. But that means DD2 has less chance to look around, which she really likes doing now.

HI, Haven't read the entire thread but I do think that if you were 'at the child's level' ( in his face) really shouting at him then IMO you had lost control and therefore that was not an appropriate way of managing the situation. You said your DS is usually well behaved so it's not that he'd been having tantrum after tantrum so it's not that his behaviour had you frazzled.

Unfortunately child protection is everyone's business and I can completely understand why the woman intervened. It is not necessary to swear or to hit a child for it to be abusive. You said yourself that your DS almost ran right into the road - he was in danger.

I believe you are doing your best but am also a bit concerned that 'the beer is helping' too and am just curious as to whether there are some deeper issues around for you and your family.

The suggestion of the parenting course does sound like a good one and would maybe help you to learn alternative ways of managing difficult behaviours and to help you to stay in control, to help your DS to regain control and to keep him safe in similar situations .

I do think it's quite sad that so many people think that it's ok to be dragging children and shouting in their faces..........especially when they are little enough to be carried ( albeit kicking and screaming)

Hope today is a better day. x

Lol Shaz - your post is a bit of an over-reaction. The "beer is helping" is a common enough comment - no different from the "is it wine o'clock" question that many of us ask when we've had a difficult day. Also OP wasn't shouting in his face she "tried getting down to his level and talking to him". She had heavy shopping bags so carrying him wasn't much of an option. I think most of us, hand on heart, would have to admit that we wouldn't handle a situation like that as we would hope to - most of us would admit "been there, done similar to that.

I don't think the OP needs parenting courses or help in anyway, she probably just needs a beer.

I have been commented at twice in the past two weeks by total strangers and nothing to do with parenting either.

If someone had a genuine concern for your child, they should phone the police. becuase, if you were an abusive parent, someone having a word isn't going to make you change your ways now is it?

in fact what this has done, compounded by some comments here is question whether you are an alcoholic parent who is struggling and being borderline abusive....~CHRIST! helpful? no. i bet your sobbing a bit more now.

the point of my story is that there is this thing where strangers are speaking up on everything. well shut the fuck up will you strangers, its got shit all to do with you and is actually counter productive and rude. if you have child welfare concerns, phone the fucking police. Who asked you STRANGER for your comments and advice? no-one. what is this new phenomenon?

the first time a stranger passed comment on something to me 2 weeks ago, she was very aggressive and rude and i cowered and became silent. and i regret it ever since.

the second time, i'm afraid i did comment and called the person rude. and then walked away.

so i have this to say to you op BLOODY WELL DONE GIRL! well done for sticking up for yoursself.

Britain doesn't need busy bodies. keep your nose out britain and silently judge like you used to.

My mum always says that she used to be judgemental of the way other people handled their kids - my elder siblings had the odd tantrum, were occasionally difficult but she managed them without manhandling, raising her voice or losing her temper. So she thought that was because she was handling everything correctly. Then she had me and she was reduced to dragging me physically, and occasionally sitting on the pavement sobbing. I was just a very different proposition, and she had to revise her prejudices... Funnily enough now Mum and I are very close, while my older siblings have had various meltdowns/addiction problems/abusive relationships and have become extremely high maintenance. Whereas I am only mad in a low maintenance kind of way. YANBU OP, you were doing your best.

I think it was brave of her to intervene.
She wasn't to know your DS is not treated like that on a regular basis.
If nothing else it would make DS realise that some grown ups may stick up for him
Your child was terrified and you had in your own words 'lost it'. I read it that she trying to help him more than criticise you.