Just gone postal at this woman for making out I was an abusive parent.

[thatgirlsevil]

As the title suggests...I've just gone postal at a woman who decided to follow me down the street and comment on my parenting techniques.

It started off when myself and 3YO DS left a shop after I refused to buy him a treat on the basis of his naughty behaviour (not listening, running off)...he was doing the whole I'm-not-walking collapsed jelly legs thing and I was pretty much hoisting him along and chastising him through gritted teeth (holding him by the wrist but not applying any pressure)...but yes at some points dragging him (no skin touching the floor, just heels) as he protested and tried to resist, although not hurting him to be absolutely clear.

When I let him go he was throwing himself on the concrete and I tried getting down to his level and talking to him but he was too 'in the zone' to see reason...as I shouted at him... exasperated by this point and getting quite upset, he ran off and almost ran into the side road so I grabbed him around the waist, scooped him up as he kicked out and protested and I shouted at him, quite loud...no swearing or horrible words, just general chastising.

The final straw came when I let him down and he bit my middle finger...HARD and broke the skin and it started bleeding quite heavily. I grabbed his hand and at this point started walking very fast across the road to the other side and shouting at him. He was half running beside me and now sobbing...finally moving his legs though because he knew he had totally crossed a line and done something completely unnacceptable.

At this point a woman (mid twenties) sprinted after me and tells me she has been watching out the shop window and it was really terrible to watch...she tells me I should be calm and get down to his level and keeps repeatedly saying how she had been watching and she was sure others were watching and feeling very concerned for the little boys welfare. She said I was making a scene and again, people were watching....and then she actually asked me something along the likes of WHY WAS I TRYING TO GET HIM HOME SO FAST...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN?

It was at this point that I ABSOLUTELY FLIPPED at the suggestion DS might be in danger...and started shouting who the hell was she judging me on the basis of seeing 5 minutes of my parenting at it's worst...I asked her what she was suggesting I might do to DS and how she thinks I could be handling the situation better without spouting Supernanny #101 rhetoric.

I said that I doubted she would have the brass neck to approach a parent who actually was doing something like hitting or swearing at their child in the street.

I basically told her she was an idiot who didn't have a clue what was actually occurring and I clearly needed support rather than condemnation right now. I also said how her tackling me and undermining me in front of DS was idiotic in the extreme when he was clearly having a tantrum, a natural common thing.

I showed her my hand and was shouting about how he'd bit me extremely hard...hence my whipping him across the road and him being in tears. I was ranting now...out of anger, embarrassment and just general exasperation...and I was getting noticeably teary.

I asked her if she had children herself and she hesitated before saying "umm...yes"...it seemed like a lie but maybe she was just floored by my outburst.

She wasn't trying to help me at all...it was as though she wanted me to feel ashamed of how I'd handled the situation and of course I could have handled it better, but at no point did I apply force or hit or swear at DS. I never do.

I burst into tears when I got back home, I was sobbing for myself, DS and I started thinking that the people who witnessed the events must think I'm a fucking monster. I would probably be ashamed to walk down that street again because the fact that this woman thinks I would hurt DS makes me so bloody furious.

I actually asked DS if Mummy had hurt him and he said "No...I was being naughty and I'm sorry for biting you"...I said, please tell me if I hurt you, I'm sorry if I made you feel frightened...he said "I wasn't, I just wanted a treat...but I know I'd been naughty."

I am still so fucking upset. I feel like a shitty shitty Mum.
(sorry it's long)

My daughter has thrown the most epic of tantrums in public places, though thankfully - hopefully - at 4 1/2 these now seem to be on the wane. I have luckily never had to deal with a stranger openly passing comment on my handling of the situation but I have had several long stares and have been tutted at once or twice. A child mid-tantrum can make the mildest of interventions look like child abuse - my daughter can't bear to be touched when she's angry, she'll scream desperately "get OFF me OW OW OW" if I so much as try to guide her by the shoulder away from a busy road. Many is the time I've had togive up, and firmly cart her out of supermarkets/playgroup etc by the waist, as she screams her head off all the while, little legs kicking like fury.

Anyway, all this is by way of saying that I do sympathise. I'm sure you could have handled things differently but it is so difficult to see how, in the heat of the moment. And you're human, so panic and embarrassment and all that stuff make a reasoned response that much more difficult than if he'd done it at home away from all the staring people.

Mums rule, and unless you are the mum of that kid - you have no idea.

I think the fact that your son knows he was in the wrong speaks volumes for your parenting skills. If you were a crap parent he probably wouldn't have a clue.

Have another beer. You've earned it today. :)

I was bellowed at in the street once by a man telling me to "leave that poor boy alone!!" The "poor boy" at the time was having an autistic meltdown and about to fling himself in the path of a red London double decker. I was having to use my body weight to hold him against a wall to prevent this. I am afraid to say I bellowed right back at him to "mind your own business!" I must have looked scary because he kept on walking.

Feel for you op especially the bitten finger, pain has a way of tipping you over the edge. She is lucky she got an explanation from you, hysterical or otherwise! She wouldn't have got one from me.

She sounds like a nutjob. While obviously it would have been nicer if you could have just come up with an amazing sarcastic put-down for her it's not something you can do at those kind of times. I had people comment a couple of times when my older daughter was around that age and going through a mental period (not SN, has 'mild autistic traits', plus would run off), and she actually had me in tears right in the town centre from biting and pulling out a huge chunk of my hair (with skin attached). Luckily on that occasion the only person who bothered us was an old lady who came up and told dd she should be nicer to her mummy! I dread to think how I'd have reacted if some self-righteous little cow had come along then. Incidentally I have seen people who I've wanted to say things to, the people who do actually hit their kid in public (and likely in private too), and it's damn obvious the difference between them and normal parents having a bad time with toddlers, so I don't think anyone else would have thought anything bad of you at all.

If you didn't swear when he bit you and drew blood, then you deserve a medal. Clearly it all could have been handled better... - yadda yadda... but that was NOT an abusive incident. At all. Later, when you're feeling calm, think about how you could have handled DS better, so as to save your fingers next time! But don't worry about that woman, not worth it.

Thatgirlsevil - my dses are 18, 16 and 14, and I still remember the horror of tantrums. Luckily for me, mine had their tantrums at home, so there was no-one there to judge me one morning when ds1 had been screaming nonstop for nearly an hour (this was after a tantrum the previous evening that had lasted over an hour and a half). I was on the phone to dh in floods of tears because I just couldn't take it any longer - when suddenly ds1 went quiet. I went to find out why, and found him at the kitchen bin, eating the tortilla chips that dh and I hadn't finished and had thrown away the previous evening - that was what had stopped him screaming.

The worst part - I didn't stop him eating the tortilla chips, because I didn't want him to start tantrumming again (though as soon as his attention was elsewhere, I did put the kitchen bin away in the cupboard under the stairs).

I think I beat you in the terrible mother stakes - and fwiw, ds1 is now a rugged, healthy 18-year-old, behaves pretty well as teenagers go, is liked by the people who have met him, and I am utterly proud of him. Oh and he neither tantrums nor eats out of bins any more.

Just remember - this too will pass.

{{hugs}}

Yes, the biting was so unexpected and uncharacteristic of DS...I realise now he was tired to the extreme and I could have handled the situation better and kept my cool, or simply gave in and bought him the treat - a Fudge bar (that wasn't ever going to happen).

He was incredibly apologetic about the bite when we'd both fully calmed down at home...and we had a lengthy exchange at bedtime about hurting people and how Mummys can get upset by events and words too. I told him he wasn't responsible for my tears but the bite had hurt me and it was very wrong...I don't know if that's the right thing or not.

We had a nice cuddle and I stroked his head as he drifted off.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius - Oh my, I don't know if I'm being bloody awful, but your story didn't half make smile. Just read it out to my OH and he looked absolutely horrified.

The woman sounded like a fine example of a childless person who thinks they would be an expert at rearing children, but actually has no idea how exasperating toddlers can be and has never had to deal with one. Even the saintliest parent can be driven to have scenes with toddlers.

Oh no OP sorry but I was chuckling (in sympathy) to the first half of your post - 3 year olds are mental little horrors aren't they!

Was going to tell you to have a stiff drink but I see you already have yourself some beers

No way did that woman have any kids. And your ds sounds like a lovely little horror bless him.

Sorry this happened to you.

If it makes you feel any better, I had to 'manhandle' my 7 year old out of the shopping centre today, which involved very firmly pulling him along by the wrist. I was furious, not that my son gave a shit, but he has Downs Syndrome and to any passers by I must have looked awful. Had anyone said anything though, I'm afraid I would have probably lost my temper too.

We all have our off days.

ds2's (2) speech therapist suggested phychological assessment after watching one of his epic tantrums and I have frequently been that woman dragging ds1 (5) through a shop with gritted teeth whilst he whines, shouts, tantrums and (a recent introduction, designed to push my buttons) shouts 'Mommy, you're hurting me' (often when I amn't even touching him!)

I can only imagine the red mist that would decend if some young, childless fool suggested to me that I was abusing either of them!

We all have shit days where our children act up and we respond less than perfectly. And sometimes it happens in public.... but fgs a mother at the end of her tether having a shout doesn't indicate child abuse!

You poor thing OP, enjoy the beers... it certainly sounds like you deserve them after today

Not read all the replies but read back to SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius's reply. Loved the story about the tortilla chips. I would definitely have done the same! :o

Thatgirlsevil - no - you aren't being awful - I told that story to make you smile - you needed it. Now - stop beating yourself up, go and have a look at your sleeping cherub (because they all look cherubic when they are asleep), and remember, tomorrow's another day.

Or do I have to put on my Stern Face?

Should point out, the psychological assessment was for him... not me!

He's given himself a nosebleed head butting the door during a particularly impressive meltdown as he didn't want to be in SALT

YANBU how could it looked bad if the op a) did not swear or use bad language b) did not smack or hit . Most parents have been in this situation, children can be little buggers and know when to play up. That lady probably does not have any children and so therefore does not have a clue.

YANBU. I have a nearly 3yr old myself and he is such hard work sometimes. I have myself done the draggin him down the road when he is tantrumming and refusing to move. I'd have flipped if he had bit me and drawn blood too.

Once this woman in the street shouted at me for ingoring DS when he was having one of his turns and letting him cry. She was telling me I should pick him up. I had tried that already and he was pushing me away. And I also had my DD how was tiny at the time in a sling in front of me. Woman kept yelling at me saying it was my problem that I had a baby in the sling, when I pointed that out to her as a reason for not picking up DS.

Look op we are only human, and no parent is perfect despite what they say.

YANBU. Although I prefer the firemans lift technique for removing tantruming children! Tis much easier than dragging . Jelly legs here too .

I do have to say though that the woman might be in a position of having seen/ experienced abuse and that is why she reacted that way. Although if the home is abusive, her rebuking you in public could have the opposite effect i.e. mother goes home and takes her embarrassment out on the child in private.

My Wilf has additional needs. A few months after his dad died we were out shopping in the supermarket where i had previously worked. Wilf went into meltdown after being refused something. The staff knew what to do and told the customers who they were serving to ignore him and not to stare. An old lady though came beetling up and told me "that young man needs a good smack on the backside!!" . I replied "And you old lady need to learn to mind your business!" I left her doing a passable impression of a goldfish gasping for air!!

In a situation like that with someone spouting 'you do this.....'

id have left DS with that [person and said 'go on then, SHOW ME your spectacular style of parenting, see if YOU can do a better job than me'

(wouldnt have actaully left DS with them but would have 'made out' i was going to)

Guilty of not reading whole thread alert.

YANBU to feel like you do, been there, done that, seen the frowns, had the 'advice'.

SWBU, however,its subjective. I've seen and judged other people (and I'm honestly not a judgey type) and good on this lady for having the balls to TRY and help even if it was misdirected.

I wouldn't have welcomed it. But I think, in retrospect, its quite nice to know that some people are still concerned.

My youngest is as cute as a button and yet can push MY buttons, I've been the situation in my local supermarket (where I'vebeen going for 11 plus years so people know me, my DH and my brood) where I've literally lost it (within the boundaries of reasonable losing it, I don't swear and I'm not violent, but I have picked sons up, upside down and marched out of the store) and I have been told "aw, he's a cutey, he's just normal, give him a break" and I've growled.

They have a point. My actions have been exusable and understandable, but still not pleasant to witness.

OP You're not a shit mum, supernanny would have wise words... shit, my kids would behave perfectly for supernanny because she's fucking scary! Take it on the chin, and see it as a lesson that even when we're doint something unpleasant 'looking' yet understandable, it doesn't always look understandable from another perspective, so you have to give that credit.

OP, at the end of the day we are all only human and I think we have all been there!! There is only so much one person can take and I'm sure I've looked like an evil mummy at many many times. I've had comments for either being to harsh on my DC or too lenient on them, and at each time the commenter really got it in the neck because my blood was already boiling! I think the worst thing aout being a parent when it comes to discipline you'e dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. I hate losing control in front of my children but it happens but I think the main thing is that you explain to them why you have lost your temper.

Don't dwell on this at all, tomorrow is another day :) :) :)

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius - fabulous!!!!

YWNBU> Id probably have shown my ignorance, and told her to SOD OFF!
Ive been there too, Ive done the dragging and the firemans lift. Im sorry, but Id rather see that than someone doing the whole "dont do that darling, it upsets Mummy" bollocks!
If one of my DCs had bitten me and drawn blood, Id have smacked them, there and then, on the bottom. I have not done it very often, but as a swift follower to dangerous or painful behaviour, Ill admit to it! Then the mad bat would have had something to complain about!