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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just gone postal at this woman for making out I was an abusive parent.

290 replies

thatgirlsevil · 15/10/2011 20:33

As the title suggests...I've just gone postal at a woman who decided to follow me down the street and comment on my parenting techniques.

It started off when myself and 3YO DS left a shop after I refused to buy him a treat on the basis of his naughty behaviour (not listening, running off)...he was doing the whole I'm-not-walking collapsed jelly legs thing and I was pretty much hoisting him along and chastising him through gritted teeth (holding him by the wrist but not applying any pressure)...but yes at some points dragging him (no skin touching the floor, just heels) as he protested and tried to resist, although not hurting him to be absolutely clear.

When I let him go he was throwing himself on the concrete and I tried getting down to his level and talking to him but he was too 'in the zone' to see reason...as I shouted at him... exasperated by this point and getting quite upset, he ran off and almost ran into the side road so I grabbed him around the waist, scooped him up as he kicked out and protested and I shouted at him, quite loud...no swearing or horrible words, just general chastising.

The final straw came when I let him down and he bit my middle finger...HARD and broke the skin and it started bleeding quite heavily. I grabbed his hand and at this point started walking very fast across the road to the other side and shouting at him. He was half running beside me and now sobbing...finally moving his legs though because he knew he had totally crossed a line and done something completely unnacceptable.

At this point a woman (mid twenties) sprinted after me and tells me she has been watching out the shop window and it was really terrible to watch...she tells me I should be calm and get down to his level and keeps repeatedly saying how she had been watching and she was sure others were watching and feeling very concerned for the little boys welfare. She said I was making a scene and again, people were watching....and then she actually asked me something along the likes of WHY WAS I TRYING TO GET HIM HOME SO FAST...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN?

It was at this point that I ABSOLUTELY FLIPPED at the suggestion DS might be in danger...and started shouting who the hell was she judging me on the basis of seeing 5 minutes of my parenting at it's worst...I asked her what she was suggesting I might do to DS and how she thinks I could be handling the situation better without spouting Supernanny #101 rhetoric.

I said that I doubted she would have the brass neck to approach a parent who actually was doing something like hitting or swearing at their child in the street.

I basically told her she was an idiot who didn't have a clue what was actually occurring and I clearly needed support rather than condemnation right now. I also said how her tackling me and undermining me in front of DS was idiotic in the extreme when he was clearly having a tantrum, a natural common thing.

I showed her my hand and was shouting about how he'd bit me extremely hard...hence my whipping him across the road and him being in tears. I was ranting now...out of anger, embarrassment and just general exasperation...and I was getting noticeably teary.

I asked her if she had children herself and she hesitated before saying "umm...yes"...it seemed like a lie but maybe she was just floored by my outburst.

She wasn't trying to help me at all...it was as though she wanted me to feel ashamed of how I'd handled the situation and of course I could have handled it better, but at no point did I apply force or hit or swear at DS. I never do.

I burst into tears when I got back home, I was sobbing for myself, DS and I started thinking that the people who witnessed the events must think I'm a fucking monster. I would probably be ashamed to walk down that street again because the fact that this woman thinks I would hurt DS makes me so bloody furious.

I actually asked DS if Mummy had hurt him and he said "No...I was being naughty and I'm sorry for biting you"...I said, please tell me if I hurt you, I'm sorry if I made you feel frightened...he said "I wasn't, I just wanted a treat...but I know I'd been naughty."

I am still so fucking upset. I feel like a shitty shitty Mum.
(sorry it's long)

OP posts:
grumpypants · 16/10/2011 13:32

piglet quite often posters on here are told to call ss, the police etc when they post about witnessing something they found uncomfortable. So, for the op, the best choice was to voice her concern to the op, as the woman clearly felt she couln't do nothing.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 13:36

My dd hates handryers and needed to use the toilet in the shopping Center. We went to one where the hand dryer was very loud, and she was hysterical, shouting "I want my mummy" "I want my mummy" while I was trying to get her in the toilet. People kept looking at me like I was trying to kidnap her and giving my cats bum faces. Nobody confronted me though. I kept telling her to calm down and that I am her mummy. It was so Blush

runningwilde · 16/10/2011 13:37

You poor lady having to deal with that stupid twatty woman who - I agree with you - hasnt a fucking clue about tantrums and I bet you are right and that she doesnt have kids. You know what? I'm glad to hear you had a go at her - she deserved it the stupid cow. Please take comfort from the fact that fellow mums understand how hard it can be when kids melt down and you handled it as well as you could x

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 13:40

grumpy anything involving a child screaming and tantruming is uncomfortable, don't think the Police would do anything tbh. I have seen parents trying to manhandle their screaming/trantruming child to a car, shop, and I just thought, been there, done that, and still going through that! Now if I saw them beating, hitting, threatening violence to their children, than I would tell somebody in authority. I remember my screaming tantruming behaviour, and my poor mum when I was little, and Blush.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 13:40

From the sounds of things op was not doing anything of the sort, mearly trying to handle a very difficult situation.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 16/10/2011 13:41

The woman who approached you is on a course at the local college doing a nursery nurse qualification and spends her weekends taking her lickle bubba man (in English - her nephew) to the park. Hmm

Yanbu. You did what you needed to do in the situation.

How brilliant if we could react to being shouted at, bitten and harrassed with a gentle period of negotiation with a toddler.

But it doesnt work like that and most of the time we do our best and sometimes we just dont meet our own standards.

One of mine had toddler tantrums well into his primary years and is still a 'challenge' to take out. He does have SN but you wouldnt know it just by looking at him.

Its very rare that I get upset by someone commenting but when it happens its bloody horrible.

runningwilde · 16/10/2011 13:43

Good god there is a lot of sanctimonious twaddle on here today! Op you f
Dealt with your tantrumming toddler just fine, ignore the sanctimonious saints on here - I'd love to see how they would deal with a toddler who is havoc q melt down and a twatty woman who hasn't a clue what she is on about!

runningwilde · 16/10/2011 13:44

The twatty woman being the one who came up to you I mean - just so it's clear!

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 13:45

How the hell are you supposed to negotiate and reason with a screaming tantruming toddler Hmm

diddl · 16/10/2011 13:59

I think that YWBU to be angry with the woman.

It sounds as if what she saw would have looked awful.

I´m assuming that you couldn´t have carried your son?

jetgirl · 16/10/2011 14:01

OP - Sounds like a particularly horrible walk I had to nursery with my DS a few weeks ago. I had to carry him as he kept running off and we cross several roads, one very busy. He wriggled, screamed, pulled my hair, punched me in the face, threw my glasses in the road twice and kicked. It was 7:15am and I was desperate for someone to help me but there was no-one. Lots of people walking past, but none who wanted to find out what was up. When I got to nursery I collapsed in tears and handed him over. The nursery manager was wonderful and looked after me while one of staff calmed DS down.

Reason for the strop - he was in the wrong trousers! I really feel for you. That woman had no right to judge you and even less to comment using knowledge gleaned from supernanny and no actual experience of a stropping child whom you are trying to prevent from running under a car. Hope you're feeling better today, OP.

Magneto · 16/10/2011 14:02

Ds is 14months and is incredibly good at tantrums already, if he doesn't get what he wants he screams. He has also recently learnt an especially ear piercing "help me" type scream which is 100 times worse than his usual crying. Unfortunately he is too young to understand reasoning or explanations, all he sees is "mummy said no, that's not fair" and so I try to distract him but that's not always so easy when the alternative is so much more interesting.

I can be frequently seen carting him around supermarkets or down the street with him tucked under my arm or in the "rolled up carpet" hold while he screams blue murder. It makes me want the ground to swallow me up but the only thing that stops me shouting is that I know he won't understand anyway. I can only hope he has grown out of the worst of it by the time he's old enough to answer back or I'll probably find myself in your position in a year or so op. I hope you and your ds are feeling better today Wink

catsareevil · 16/10/2011 14:09

Who said to try and negotiate with the tantruming toddler?

WhiteTrash · 16/10/2011 14:12

I really, really feel for you. Ive had exactly the same, almost to the word (apart from the finger thing) DS1 was the same age. I used to hope to God no one saw as it lools so much worse than it really is and you feel bad about it when it is over anyway, let alone some childless curtain twitcher judging (although I think she thought she was doing the right thing, she just didnt see it for what it was) and making you feel worse.

I hope your day got better from there.

hermioneweasley · 16/10/2011 14:16

I feel your pain. We all have parenting moments we're not proud of. Your DS clearly loves you and you have a good relationship so i wouldn't beat yourself up. If this woman really had kids or knew anything about it she would have asked if she could help and she would have been supportive, not judgey. If she had come across me in the same situation I'd have said worse to her than you did!

Nancy66 · 16/10/2011 14:23

'going postal'....New one on me.

dillwyn · 16/10/2011 14:24

Of course you were being unreasonable, but then you know that. It's always unreasonable to go postal on people. If you had asked whether your behaviour was understandable, then that would be different

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 16/10/2011 14:24

It is awful when they flip. I have been there and it's VERY hard to remain calm especially in public. I hope you feel better and that next time, you manage to avoid it escalating. x

Magneto · 16/10/2011 14:24

I've never heard anyone say it in real life before.. Just reminded me of the Terry pratchett book Grin

Nancy66 · 16/10/2011 14:26

just sounds like you are going to write her a letter of complaint....

brighthair · 16/10/2011 14:30

A neighbour called the NSPCC when I was a baby. Due to my crying. Mum was mortified but I apparently used to scream non stop for hours and hours on end for no good reason. Except when I was being pushed in a pram. Her fond memories are of 3am walks along the seafront Grin

girliefriend · 16/10/2011 14:45

Tantrums are very stressful , my dd has thrown some real wobblers and I have been in your (op) situation many times!!

The problem is once the child has lost it you can't reason with them, you are feeling stressed and its very difficult to get a handle on the situation.

No one has even said anything like that women did to you to me and I think if they did I would have been too stunned to speak!!

yellowraincoat · 16/10/2011 14:53

Think it's all v well and good for people to say you shouldn't shout or whatever but it's very different when you're in the moment.

I'd try to forget it and move on. She doesn't matter.

TheQueenOfDeDead · 16/10/2011 14:55

I think it is probably the case that most of the people on this thread have dealt with tantruming toddlers Hmm

I'm just struggling to reconcile the general MN "always voice/act on your concerns" with "this woman was clearly a twat".

diddl · 16/10/2011 14:59

"I'm just struggling to reconcile the general MN "always voice/act on your concerns" with "this woman was clearly a twat"."

I agree, & can´t help thinking that if the poster was the other woman then she would be getting the support !