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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not play happy families because stepson is here?

217 replies

karmathreefold · 14/10/2011 11:59

DSS (21) is coming this weekend. We haven't seen him for a while, so it'll be nice for him & DD (16 months) to see each other.

I'm not particularly keen on 'playing' happy families though. I'll be prefectly pleasant & polite to DSS, and try my hardest to not let him feel uncomfortable, but I really don't want to put on an act for (D)H's sake.

I'm heavily pregnant (imminent within weeks), and suffer from very bad SPD at the moment, incredibly painful, but as the primary carer of DD I have to keep going, when all I want is to lie down (which in fact makes the SPD worse)!

I've been feeling inceasingly unwell, and have been having migraines. My midwife has told me to rest (i.e. sleep), during the day, but it is impossible to do so (though she told me to find someone to mind DD, which just isn't possible right now). When I told DH this, he retorted that I spend a lot of time sitting down, so I am resting, and that the midwife must think I'm walking into town???

DD periodically has sleeping issues. Usually she is as good as gold, put her down awake, and she sleeps from 8pm - 7.30am (after having to use controlled crying).

For the last three nights however, she has been a bloody monkey! She's been waking about 4am (last night she woke at 3am) and has refused to go back down into her cot.

I've tried everything - she is teething so I gave her Calprofen before bed, and when she woke gave her a dose of Calpol. Still she refused to sleep, except in my arms.

Thing is I'm not getting sleep. I'm not happy to sit in a chair, letting DD sleep on me, whilst missing out myself. Besides, she is leaning against the bump - which hurts, is hardly on my lap (due to bump) and is giving me dead arms.

I tried to take her into our bed, but she still won't even lie down she climbs on top of me, and puts my arms around her.

She eventually went to sleep at 7am this morning, but was awake at 8.30, I begged DH to get her up, to feed her etc, and let me sleep - his reaction was to shout, pull the duvet over my head, and tell me that he's going to start going to pubs & parties, as this isn't the life he wants.

I'm at my wit's end. This can't go on - I will not be able to hold DD for hours at a time, with a newborn, and I'm worried about how anyone looking after her will manage overnight. I guess controlled crying is the only answer - but next door get very upset, so I have to keep her quiet.

I'm especially annoyed at DH, who takes sleeping pills, has a good nights sleep, and still expects me to go without sleep, and moans about the mess of the house.

His son is coming today, and he's going to be nice to me, and has suggested we all go out for a meal, but he's so detached from my agony that I can't pretend things are fine

OP posts:
Thzumbazombiewitch · 19/10/2011 22:50

clam, I think she has, yes.

pigletmania · 19/10/2011 23:14

Oh no yes I know know op has been on before, seems like she is still with that knob

pigletmania · 19/10/2011 23:20

I am Shock at his behaviour. Not wanting you to have a c section as it would take you too long to recover so he does not have to look after you and the kids. Remind me please, why are you still with him! What does he do for you, how does he make your life better?

skybluepearl · 19/10/2011 23:22

when you give birth - explain to the MW's you will have no support what so ever from hubby and please can you stay in hospital for as long as you are allowed to recover.

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 19/10/2011 23:33

Hope you're still reading both threads OP :(

EightiesChickOrTreat · 20/10/2011 00:09

Have read whole thread and really think you should leave. There is nothing to be gained by staying. He doesn't help you in any way, he keeps you away from your son, and he is actively nasty to you. What is there to stay for? You would be better off sleeping on someone else's sofa with your kids than this! If you haven't come to this conclusion yourself, I'm not sure what you are thinking. It won't get better, I'll tell you that with certainty.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 00:26

Wow, this is really a thread of black and white.

THIS child, or That child.

Either share a room or not welcome in the house.

This family IS foooooked up.

pigletmania · 20/10/2011 07:48

I believe the op posted on this thread about the problems with her H a few months ago, the consensus was to leave him, but I guess judging by this she has not. This is not going to get any better unless she leaves, and does not have any more children with this man.

KreepyInMind · 20/10/2011 08:05

Your husband and step son are a pair of cunts

MinnieBloodBar · 20/10/2011 10:37

Seriously OP, what more does your DH actually have to do to make you realise he doesn't respect you, doesn't care about your health or well-being, and is quite probably having an affair?? (This is the ball-stretcher left out on the sofa one, yes?)

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 21/10/2011 14:12

Think the OP has gone again :(

NanaNina · 21/10/2011 21:04

I'm not surprised the OP has gone - as she says she is in a complete mess and the differing posts must be confusing. She probably knows that she should leave her H but this is not the time is it, heavily pregnant with a toddler. It isn't as though she has somewhere to go - it will all have to be worked out, and hopefully Karma will be emotionally stronger to do that once the baby is born and a few months old and she has recovered from the birth and PSD (don't know what that is) but it sounds ghastly.

I agree with what posters are saying about the H in this case, and it does seem at worst he is having an affair and at best has his priorities wrong.
I think sometimes OPs are reluctant to return because everyone is shouting for her to "leave - get the hell out" etc. The H is obviously a very controlling man and I suspect the OP is afraid of him, or at least very wary. Controlling men have this effect on women and somehow an emotional paralysis sets in and the victim is unable to take the steps she knows she should.

I think the whole business of adult son, step son and Christmas arrangements are something of a red herring in this sad story. The issue is the OP and her toddler and unborn baby. Just hope she will eventually find the courage to leave but this is not the right time.

Midori1999 · 21/10/2011 22:21

This thread has made me so sad. I hope Karma is OK. Sad

FabbyChic · 21/10/2011 22:32

OMG what a horrible life you lead.

Violation of privacy, a husband who has the hots for someone else.

I hope you have someone in RL to talk to to help you see things clearly.

Put a password immediately on your laptop.

Hide any money you have so that your step son cannot get access to it.

Insist your husband does not go on Tuesday or get a sitter and go with him.

karmathreefold · 03/12/2011 17:41

I'm just updating my old threads, for those who don't know what happened, and haven't read my thread in bereavement.

My DD2 was born a week after this - after her heart had stopped beating. I was induced, had a 37hr labour, followed by EMCS, during which I lost 3.5ltrs of blood, and had several uterine tears (which would have been acceptable if I'd had a baby to hold at the end of it).

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 03/12/2011 18:03

Oh my good god karma I am so very sorry :( I didn't post on this thread but watched with great interest hoping and praying you would have a happy ending...I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through and how you are feeling! Have you a support network around you? I shall pop over to bereavement and find you there. Sending you so much love and hugs you poor poor love xx

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 03/12/2011 18:04

Karma, I'm so sorry for you and your family.

OurPlanetNeptune · 03/12/2011 18:08

I'm sorry.

MudAndGlitter · 03/12/2011 18:26

I'm so sorry for your loss

tallwivglasses · 03/12/2011 18:38

so sorry too, Karma x

RockingBEYONDtheXmasTree · 03/12/2011 18:42

Oh Karma, I'm so sorry :(
Will go over and read your bereavement thread now.
Sending you huge hugs

tralalala · 03/12/2011 18:49

karma I am so very sorry for you x

ShellyBoobs · 03/12/2011 20:06

Oh Karma, I'm so very sorry for your loss x

Sad
moreyear · 03/12/2011 21:23

I am so, so sorry Karma. xx

pigletmania · 03/12/2011 21:35

big hugs to you karma, so sorry Sad