To not play happy families because stepson is here?

[karmathreefold]

DSS (21) is coming this weekend. We haven't seen him for a while, so it'll be nice for him & DD (16 months) to see each other.

I'm not particularly keen on 'playing' happy families though. I'll be prefectly pleasant & polite to DSS, and try my hardest to not let him feel uncomfortable, but I really don't want to put on an act for (D)H's sake.

I'm heavily pregnant (imminent within weeks), and suffer from very bad SPD at the moment, incredibly painful, but as the primary carer of DD I have to keep going, when all I want is to lie down (which in fact makes the SPD worse)!

I've been feeling inceasingly unwell, and have been having migraines. My midwife has told me to rest (i.e. sleep), during the day, but it is impossible to do so (though she told me to find someone to mind DD, which just isn't possible right now). When I told DH this, he retorted that I spend a lot of time sitting down, so I am resting, and that the midwife must think I'm walking into town???

DD periodically has sleeping issues. Usually she is as good as gold, put her down awake, and she sleeps from 8pm - 7.30am (after having to use controlled crying).

For the last three nights however, she has been a bloody monkey! She's been waking about 4am (last night she woke at 3am) and has refused to go back down into her cot.

I've tried everything - she is teething so I gave her Calprofen before bed, and when she woke gave her a dose of Calpol. Still she refused to sleep, except in my arms.

Thing is I'm not getting sleep. I'm not happy to sit in a chair, letting DD sleep on me, whilst missing out myself. Besides, she is leaning against the bump - which hurts, is hardly on my lap (due to bump) and is giving me dead arms.

I tried to take her into our bed, but she still won't even lie down she climbs on top of me, and puts my arms around her.

She eventually went to sleep at 7am this morning, but was awake at 8.30, I begged DH to get her up, to feed her etc, and let me sleep - his reaction was to shout, pull the duvet over my head, and tell me that he's going to start going to pubs & parties, as this isn't the life he wants.

I'm at my wit's end. This can't go on - I will not be able to hold DD for hours at a time, with a newborn, and I'm worried about how anyone looking after her will manage overnight. I guess controlled crying is the only answer - but next door get very upset, so I have to keep her quiet.

I'm especially annoyed at DH, who takes sleeping pills, has a good nights sleep, and still expects me to go without sleep, and moans about the mess of the house.

His son is coming today, and he's going to be nice to me, and has suggested we all go out for a meal, but he's so detached from my agony that I can't pretend things are fine

The OP didn't say her DSs wasn't welcome in the home. She said right now that she cannot be running after him and needs help with the 16month old in practical ways.

At no point did OP say the SPD was putting her baby's life in danger. She said it was contributing to her mobility problems and lack of sleep. It is the fall down the stairs and subsequent bleed that are potentially dangerous. The Dr has advised her not to do any lifting as a result, that is why she wants practical help and that is why she is scared. She is about 33 weeks I think, I know I would be terrified if I was bleeding. On top of that sleep deprivation, which has been going on for weeks makes the smallest thing difficult to handle.

I agree she needs to stand up for herself more but at the same time I know what it is like to be in a controlling relationship. It creeps up on you and at first you don't notice at all. by the time you get an inkling you are so under the thumb, you're elf confidence is rock bottom and you can't see a way out so you feel stuck and trapped. What's more you rarely realise the full extent until after when you start to regain your self esteem, then you start to see things that to an outsider may have been obvious for a lot longer.

The OP does need to realised how bad things are with her DH's behaviour. However she needs moral support and advice not a flaming. Being told it is all your fault only discourages you from seeking help as it reinforces the feelings that you don't deserve to be safe or happy.

OK - Saffron & Altinkum - I have not 'pushed' my DSS out of the family.

He did move out, of his own volition, and I totally disagree that he was snooping because he was unhappy - I have never been rude, or disrespectful or anything other than welcoming to him. That I may write my thoughts on this forum, does not mean that he would ever have had a whiff of them.

I think it is outrageous that it was suggested that he should be allowed - or even forgiven - for snooping, because he wants to know my true feelings - err.. NO, I felt my old boss didn't like me (and didn't try to not show it) but I never logged into his computer to find out...there really is NO excuse for that.

I have never said that I didn't want him in my family (apart from what I said in anger on this forum (not to DSS in person at all).

Apart from my fear, and my anger today, I don't actually dislike him.

What some seem to forget is that not only is he my DH's son, but he is also my DD's half-brother, and for her sake I could never cut him out - no matter what the relationship with my DH.

Yes the privacy thing has aggreived me, and will take a long-time to get over - but it would with whoever looked at it.

DSS hasn't actually told DH about it, and we've since spoken. He's admitted his feelings & vice versa, but he will always be DD's half-brother, and for that reason, let alone any other, I could never cut him out - he's my family now too.

Of course my own DS comes first, and I'm lucky that he is a great lad, and is very close to DD too.

As for christmas - I don't know, it can't be like it was before. I do think it will be better to go to my mums, and as DSS has said he won't come down if we go, then he's an adult & that is his choice.

Thank you Andrewfogg and at 'Y chromosome not always producing an arse'. I actually am a mum and a stepmum (offspring of both varietys al adults now) and have actually lived among this madness [at times- not all bad] known as blended families. At one point when one adult ss came back home to live for a while he got a job and my DH and I for over a year could never ever go anywhere at weekend as my DH insisted on giving his son a lift to work (2 miles away with loads of bus routes - easily walkable and he has a bike btw also) at 10:45 am and then going back to pick him up at 2:45. Completely cut our Sat and Sun in half effectively and caused no end of rows. My usually sane, intelligent and reasonable DH you see had this temporary madness I speak of and could not or would not see how the need for a married couple to go out together on their only two days together off work occasionally without sticking to a 2 mile radius or a 3 hour time limit was more important than a healthy young male in his 20s not having the comfort of a door to door car journey to work . Used to do my swede in I can tell you ...and breathe (he's left home again now and we are allowed time alone occasionally and everything !)

Karma - can I suggest you now password protect your laptop? Since it is apparently fair game in your household, it might be a good idea.

If your husband is truly putting your DSS first in all matters, talking things over re. your privacy, the laptop and the bedroom door isn't going to help. Mention them by all means, it needs to be said - but don't expect a positive outcome from it (that way you won't be disappointed). I hope you are ok - you sound fairly relaxed, considering.

You said you've spoken to DSS about his breach of your privacy and he's "admitted his feelings" - what were they? Was he shocked, upset, angry, what?

I wouldnt be too concerned about what he's read on here TBH, if it were about me I'd read it more as, "my dad is being an absolute wanker to DSM" than "DSM doesnt like me"

Your h sounds quite controlling, not allowing you to have time with your ds. You need to have harsh words with him.he cannot treat you like this

Your dss is 21 ? If another adult had been touching my laptop and going through my Internet history I'd hit the roof with anger .

How dare he.

Rude.insert swear word ...

If my dh put a 21yr old offspring before me I'd hit the roof too.

Step children ,as children need a bit of putting first , as all children do ...but not bloody adults ! .

I missed that op

He doesn't let you spend time with your ds?? why ever not??

karma, i am so sad for you. posted on your other thread, too, but i'll repeat myself because i don't think you can hear it too often! you deserve much, much better than this set-up. so does your DS, and definitely your new baby too.

i think you need someone to talk to, in 'real life', who can help you stick to your guns. you are getting good advice here (on the whole - there are a few posts above you should shrug off and ignore, frankly!) - but i am worried about you.

at the very least, you need a break physically and emotionally. can you go?

Sorry, can I just pop in here to say Saffron: she FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!

So yes, you are missing something. Please read the thread properly if you're going to berate the OP. It is NOT over the top to suggest that a fall down stairs when heavily pregnant can endanger the life of the unborn baby. Her husband knows that she has been advised not to lift, and yet has gone out leaving her in sole charge of a toddler. What part of that puts her in the wrong?

Thank you all.

You are right! I'm actually in a bit of a mess.

I find it very hard to work out how much I'm blowing out of all proportion - due to hormones, and how much is actually being badly treated.

Example - DH went out yesterday. He was just popping to Lidl to get a pramsuit for the baby. He was gone for an hour & 40 minutes (Lidl is about 5 mins in the car).

I got increasingly paranoid, not understanding how on earth it took so long, to go there, and wondering if he was seeing his female 'friend'.

As it happens he turned up with pramsuit & also three bags of shopping from Tesco - so it's plausible that he wasn't up to something, and was entirely innocent.

However, he does a voluntary job on Tuesdays (used to go on mondays, and then stopped a year ago, before restarting a month ago). His female 'friend' had stopped two years ago. But suddenly she turned up there a week after he started, and brought her daughter's laptop - just on the offchance that he would be there, on a different day, after not going for a year, and I'm supposed to believe it's coincidence! Then last week he spent all week fixing her friend's laptop (free of f**king charge)! Which was really taking the piss!!!!

The midwife was booked up next wednesday, so she put on a special clinic on tuesday morning, for me & another woman.

DH argued like mad with the receptionist, saying there was no way I could make it, and tuesdays are not convenient - as he doesn't want to have even one week off (or even change the day - which he could)!

This week he's taking his DS back to the coach, so he was going to have the day off...however he's just left, saying he'll be back at lunchtime, as he just can't miss the day! Taking the laptop of course!

Now maybe I'm just overly paranoid, but I can't help wondering if 1, he's really going to work, and not to her place, 2, if there is someone else he fancies there, as the way he reacted at the doctors was like a lovestruck teen, unable to see the object of their affections.

His reason for not taking a day off is they may get someone else in...my concern - I'm almost certainly going to be having a caesarean and absolutely will NOT be able to manage a toddler & a newborn, just for him to go do stuff for free, and be with his f**king ex - who he has suggested babysitting DD when I go into hospital.

In fact DH argued with the consultant about another caesarean - as it will take too long for me to recover from.

His female 'friend' has caused no end of problems, and I told him not to see her alone, when we got wed. However, he's had to go to hers to fix things, and she has been in my house when I'm not here...so I don't know if I should be concerned...I'm so confused & just crying basically

Karma, is there anyone in real life you consider to be have common sense, perspective and basically, be on your side.

I don't think you're being overly paranoid, nor do I necessarily think he's playing away. But I do think he's got you exactly where he wants you - controlled, fearful, reliant on him and with zero self confidence.

Can you talk to your midwife about how things are at home? My own was fabulous when I was expecting and (for very different reasons) referred me to an NHS counsellor specifically for expectant/new mums. This was a huge help to me in getting things clear in my mind and having the confidence to stand up for myself.

Your life sounds very unhappy. Imagine yourself, your DS and your unborn baby in 2 years time. How do you want your life to be? Like this, or in the same family set up with more equal levels of respect and independence, or without your DH?

I don't think you can rely on him changing and being more of the husband you want him to be. I think its up to you to take control of your own future. With or without him. I know that's far easier said than done, which is why I urge you to find some emotional and practical support in RL.

You can make your life a happy one. But you need some help to do so, please reach out to someone to help you through this.

Thanks - I've been desperately trying to contact friends this last weekend...but they've not responded - even after I put on facebook that I'd fallen down the stairs, I've never felt so alone, maybe I'm not likeable.

I have spoken to my mum, who reminded me how I'd contacted a solicitor just 3 months into our marriage, when he told me he was going on holiday later that year, when I'd be heavily pregnant...I just lacked the strength to leave.

Last night DD woke again at 3.30am (note to FabbyChic - I didn't use controlled crying). He slept through it, even when I brought her into our bed, even with the monitor, full blast, on his pillow)...I just don't feel safe leaving DD with him when I'm in hospital - what if she choked, was sick or worse?

I can't throw the pills away, they were prescribed for him, by his psychiatrist, for severe depression. He's taken them as long as I've known him, but I don't think he should take them when in sole charge of a LO.

My sister doesn't think I should confront him, she thinks I should be extra nice, or else I'll push him into the arms of his 'friend', but I'm so damned angry, and don't believe he could be pushed unless he wanted to, and he knows how much I loathe her

No matter what you do, it is not your fault if he goes into the arms of his "friend". It is his fault. He is a twat.

You need to go to your mums. As you said, you cant trust him with DD if you're in hospital. She already knows the situation, so thats one less thing to worry about. Just pack up and leave.

Why are you staying?

The fact hes more bothered about regualt trips to his ex then you seeing a MW to ensure the health of you & baby would be enough to make me leave tbh.

*regular

My Ex H behaved so much like yours is. Our children's age gaps will be the same. The affair came out when my 2nd child was 11 months. I wish I could help you. Where are you based?

Lovey, from what you've already said, I think you are not so much paranoid as unable to see the signs clearly. You can't push someone who has already jumped. He has no respect for your wishes, no respect for you and is worryingly unconcerned about you, the pregnancy and the baby.

Go and see a solicitor again and consider ending this - you are unhappy, isolated and need to feel in control of your life, and your DC's lives.

Bugger being extra nice to him - you've already given in far too much to this man - if he wants to throw that away for his ex, then he will, regardless of how "nice" you are to him. Your primary loyalty should be to your children, always - his clearly isn't (well not your DD and unborn baby anyway).

So sorry you're going through this at the moment - never easy but so much worse when you're pregnant, hormones and SPD playing up etc., and worried about how your DD will be looked after while you give birth. I hope you can find someone who you could go and stay with.

re. FB - it is the work of the devil and with the new system it's quite possible that people didn't even see your update - it certainly does NOT mean that you are "unlikeable" - put that right out of your mind!! PHONE people. TALK to them. (perhaps not your sister at this juncture - she doesn't seem to be completely "on your side" at the moment).

DH has an opinion on everything! So HE doesn't want you to have a C section as it takes too long to recover from? well, tough! He is ultra concerned about himself! He's Number One in his mind.

Good god, this gets worse, it's painful to read. Your sister's a twat. A well meaning twat, but a twat nonetheless. Where do you live? If you were my friend I'd support you. If your were my friend your H (I refuse to put DH) would be long gone.

Hansie - that was the bit that scared me. Sod your health, op, sod the babys health, don't get a cs because it isn't convenient to him.

Fucking hell

And password protect you phone and computer fgs.

There is some pretty good free encryption software out there should you want to go the whole hog

Poor you . The more I read this thread and what you have posted, the more I feel that this man is not the one for you. He is so unbelievably selfish and only thinking of himself and DSS, not the family that he has with you.

I would now make up your mind that you'll be going to your side of the family this year and that he can come with you, or not. Please don't let him dictate your life.

Wait a minute, I recognise some of this tale - about the "friend" whose DD's computer he fixes for free (but not your DS's???) Have you posted elsewhere about him?